Chapter 1
Only one thing went through Frederick’s mind as he started his experiment, "I really hope this doesn’t hurt." He levitated the lever down, activating the machine and moving the spheres onto their finely calibrated place.
“Here goes nothing...” he mumbled to himself as the runes charged up. He was really hoping it wouldn’t hurt.
He patted himself down, making sure his white lab coat and brown trousers were clean and un- tensed himself by redoing his calming technique that his mother taught him.
“Just breathe and focus,” he whispered under his breath, as he closed his eyes and slowed his breathing; focusing on what he came here to do.
The runes finished charging, then transferred their magic down the runic poles into the centre of the room, their colour slowly changed from light blue to dark red.
“Just a little more, come on.” He shouted as his anticipation grew; he had been working on this experiment for over two years, pumped the last of his savings into it and had to quit his job at the local factory just to focus. He couldn’t fail.
He found an abandoned storage shed, on the outskirts of town to set up in. The area was secluded, meaning no nosy neighbours to tattle to the authorities, that would be the last thing he needed.
After a few minutes of a light buzzing, the gravity well in the centre of the room grew, encompassing the first of two shells that were built around each other in the centre.
The first of which was light grey with etchings on the surface. This signified that it had been enchanted with a mass rune, letting it withstand extreme pressures without crumpling in on itself.
The second was transparent with etchings. The etchings enchanted the shell with a time rune, slowing down anything that came into contact with it.
The experiment, Frederick had hoped, would prove that travel through time was possible; at least at a rudimentary level. There had been reports of success at varying levels across the continent, but most had not even come close to the level that Frederick was planning.
This wasn’t the first time he’d fire up the machine. Only a couple of weeks ago, he started it up with the hopes of creating a stable compressed gravity well, he had amassed enough data to start building the first sphere almost two days later.
Finishing the second sphere a few hours ago, he testing the runes that he hand-etched onto it through careful experimentation of a pesky bird that was keeping him up at night. Surprisingly, it turned out to be a huge success, unfortunately, the bird didn’t survive; Frederick expected it to take longer.
“Ok, time to increase the power,” Frederick mumbled as he pulled down on the lever again, moving it to the lock position, “system seems to be holding.” He moved his unkempt black hair away from his eyes, letting him see again and tore his eyes away from the warped space in front of himself for just second; something had been bothering him since he started the experiment, it had been going too well.
Normally, when Frederick had planned something out, the planning phase would go smoothly, then the building, but the testing would go badly; forcing him to either scrap the project, or remake the entire machine again.
Pushing some paperwork out of the way and pulling the data from the first sphere out of the pile, he quickly looked through it for the gravimetric pressure readings. His eyes shot open as he jotted then down on a note and stuck them to the pressure output screen.
"Right, push core eject if pressure is above that..." he reminded himself, switching his attention from the screen to the experiment.
By now the wind around the shed had picked up quite considerably and had blown the pile of research data off the table and onto the floor. Frederick cursed himself for forgetting to buy a ring binder and took note to put the paper in the right order after he was done.
Shaking his head to get back on track, his amazement grew as the warping space in front of him ripped open as it touched the second spheres surface.
“Just as predicted... though much more spectacular,” he jotted down on some notes, underlining predicted.
Frederick watched as the energy in the machine doubled, then doubled again. Confused and not knowing what was going on, he tried cutting the power; unfortunately when he pushed the button labelled "Dump Core", it didn’t work, leaving the sphere in place and soaking up more energy.
Panicking and throwing reason out of the window, Frederick severed the power lines, leaving them dangling from the roof. Slowly but surely, they started moving towards the tear, being pulled in by the ever increasing gravity.
Finally, Frederick calmed down, “Panicking will get me nowhere...” he said out loud, waving his finger at some imaginary person in front of him, “What will help in this situation?” He asked himself, looking around for something, anything to help out.
He sighed, remembering that he deemed almost everything unsafe and moved them back into his basement before setting the experiment up; then smiled as it proved his point that something always goes wrong.
Chuckling, he didn’t notice the power lines finally reach the surface of the tear. The tip touched it and tore apart, leaving it partially smoking.
Looking back at the experiment, Frederick finally felt like a winner. Sure, he would probably die and the shed would be destroyed, leaving no evidence for the experiment, but it was a moral victory for himself more than anything.
He heard something smash from behind and spun around, he saw that one of the ceiling’s beams had some loose and fallen in front of the door, jamming it closed. Frederick’s heart started beating faster; now he really didn’t have a way out. He didn’t want to die.
He ran over and placed his hands underneath the beam and pulled, trying to move it even slightly away from the door. Unfortunately, years of a mundane job and not working out had left Frederick with a less than admirable physique. Trying his hardest and not making any progress, he cursed himself for not installing windows into the shed and tried lifting it with his magic.
He focused onto specific points on the beam, then breathed in and mentally willed it up and away. He made a small hole, but not big enough to get out. Angry and scared, he lashed out, punching the beam with his fist.
“Dammit, “he shouted, clutching his hand in pain, “should have thought that through...” he mumbled to no one in particular.
Finally accepting his fate, he opened the top pocket of his lab coat and pulled out a small locket. Holding it up with both hands, making sure it wouldn’t move, as it was gravitating towards the growing tear, he opened it and smiled as he saw the picture of his mother, father and sister. They were sitting in the park when Frederick had bought a camera with his first pay check; wanting to commemorate the historic moment.
__
“Ok mother, go on the right. Angela, you’re in the middle and father, you’re on the left.” Frederick said, pointing to each place in turn.
“Our left or you’re left?” His father asked, grinning slightly.
“My left. Come on guys, we don’t have much light, you know how temperamental these things are.” Frederick whined, but ultimately smiled towards his father.
“We know Freddy,” Angela replied, pulling their father into line, “better.” She knew they only had one shot at this and wanted this to be perfect.
“Are we ok now, Frederick?” His mother asked, receiving a thumbs up. The three family members all sat up straight and smiled, waiting for the flash.
__
“Frederick closed the locket and moved it closer to his chest as the tear reached mere millimetres away from his face. He could smell ozone and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.
“Remember me...” he whispered as his body passed through the tear, leaving nothing behind.
The tear grew larger until it melted the support structure the spheres were resting on; collapsing, it severed the power to itself and gravity started to decrease, leaving a large crater in the centre of the now empty shed. The only thing left after was the smell of ozone and paperwork.
__
When Frederick awoke, the first thing he felt was pain; pain and confusion, which was good. Pain meant he was alive. Confusion was bad, he didn’t like to feel confused, it made him feel powerless.
Sitting up with a large amount of effort, he opened his eyes and surveyed his surroundings. He was only partially aware that he had moved during his "death", but didn’t think anything of it at the time.
To his right was a large, dark and gloomy forest, but that was to be expected, there were many like it around the city of New Haven; he was still there, right?
To his left stood the wreckage of his experiment, all crumpled and melted. Quickly he stood up and rushed over to it, forgetting about his achy muscles. “There goes the last of my money...” he muttered sadly, no doubt he’d have to move back in with his mother and father; how would he explain that one.
Through careful examination he found some workable chunks of Unox, the power source that was feeding the experiment, then pocketed them. Unable to find anything else and the fact that the wreckage was too large to move, Frederick mentally filed away a note to come back later with Angela to help him move the wreckage.
Standing up from his crouched position, he took a look up at the midday sun, noticing it was shining with more radiance than usual, but put it down to his near death experience.
Looking around again, he noticed some smoke rise from behind one of the hills. He tried brushing off the dirt, oil and other residue in order to make himself look presentable, then started walking towards it.
Frederick was hoping that he hadn’t travelled too far away from New Haven; getting caught outside the walls meant getting a lecture from the guards on "How to be more careful" if you’re lucky and death if you’re not. The forests were not as safe as they once were.
Pushing past some bushes and other foliage, his eyes widened as he saw a small village. He guessed it to be around a few miles away and would take in at least an hour to reach. Sighing, "Great, I’ve been teleported to Shregrove..." he thought.
Picking up the pace, he pushed past some more of the dense foliage and came across a small stream. Feeling parched, he reached down and cupped some water to drink. “Ah, much better,” he mumbled as he sipped.
Noticing his dirty and bloodied face, he went about scrubbing the blood off. His normally black hair looked like it had red highlights as the ends were almost stained with blood from a small gash across his forehead. He hesitantly brought his hand up and touched it, wincing at the pain.
“Three centimetres across, not very deep...” he analysed, licking his finger and slowly cleaning the wound of any dirt and debris. Once finished, he tore off a strip off his lab coat and wrapped it around his head.
Satisfied that his face was clean and his thirst quenched, Frederick stood up and carried on in the direction of the village, hoping to get back to his family quickly, no doubt they would be worried.
Frederick guessed the time was about two o’clock and it was blisteringly hot. Normally, he would associate the heat with wearing his lab coat and walking through fields and he would normally be right, but this time it seems that the sun was warmer than usual, another sign that something was off.
As he trudged through the fields, he kept finding himself staring at the gloomy forest to the right. It looked like any other forest in Alaria, but something was off, something fundamental about it. It made him feel almost repulsed in a way, and slowly moved further away, just so he wouldn’t be curious as to what was making him feel this way.
Pushing through another boundary, he made it to some woods. This time they seemed calmer, almost tranquil with the way the leaves were stained orange and brown. Frederick frowned, it wasn’t autumn yet, and it was just starting to turn spring.
He always knew when the seasons changed, as the store owners would change gear for each season, as soon as the first few leaves touched the ground. This would urge him to finish whatever he was working on as fast as possible for the new season.
Pushing on, he waded through the leaves and slowly made his way through the forest. He cursed himself for getting caught in the tear, if only he had taken more precautions, or researched what how the second sphere would have affected the experiment more carefully, this might never have happened.
Clenching his fist, he calmed himself and stood still for a minute just breathing. “Focus, you are still alive and wherever you are, you can get home.” He told himself.
He carried on forwards, towards the village and stepped past the boundary of the forest onto a dirt path. Some movement up ahead caught his eye and he ducked behind some bushes to not be seen. He wasn’t sure where he was anymore and it was better to not risk being caught.
__
Twilight Sparkle, head librarian and faithful student of Princess Celestia stood on her balcony. It had been a long day fixing everyone’s destiny and returning them back to normal. She shuddered at the thought of Applejack creating more dresses.
She got home and poured herself a nice hot cup of camomile tea, then went upstairs and did some stargazing. It always calmed her down after a hectic day and today was no exception... well, it would have been if some strange light hadn’t of appeared over one of the fields behind the Whitetail woods.
She quickly jotted down the some notes describing the anomaly, where it was and how long it stayed above the field. Confused, she adjusted her telescope with her magic and zoomed in slightly closer.
She could just about focus the zoom enough to make out that it was a small tear like shape, but with no discernable origin. Scared that something new had come to try and take over Equestria, like usual, she woke Spike up and created a letter for him to send to the Princess.
Dear Princess Celestia
I was stargazing and focused my telescope over the Whitetail woods when I saw something strange. Behind the woods floated a strange glowing tear.
Now, I know it sounds crazy, but please believe me. I’m going to go in and investigate with my friends, the other Elements. I’m not sure what we will find, if anything, but I’ll bring Spike along so we can stay in touch.
Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle.
“Alright Spike, can you send it?” She asked, levitating the scroll over to the half-asleep baby dragon and he incinerated it, sending it to the Princess. “I’m sorry I woke you up. Here,” she tucked him in and pulled the covers over, keeping him warm.
Twilight walked back over to the balcony, smiling from the dragon’s snores and put her eye against the eyepiece. She raised her eyebrows when she saw the tear had disappeared and double checked that the telescope hadn’t changed position even slightly.
Sighing, she checked her notes were neat and placed them inside so they wouldn’t blow away during the night and closed the door, locking it after. She turned around and saw a small scroll laying on top of Spikes belly and picked it up with her magic. Bringing it over to herself, she got into bed and opened it up, smiling at the reply.
Dear Twilight Sparkle
If you are sure you can handle this, I will trust you. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to send me a letter.
I will be awaiting the results of what you find. Best of luck.
Princess Celestia.
Twilight grinned, excited for tomorrow. She had the Princesses trust and she was confident that whatever it was, she and her friends could overcome it.
___
The next day, Twilight awoke and jumped out of bed, waking spike up. “Let’s go sleepy head, it’s a brand new day!”
“It’s too early...” Spike groaned, turning away from Twilight.
“Oh no you don’t,” She frowned, picking him up in her magic and levitating him over to herself, “I told the Princess you were coming with us and that means you are.”
“Urgh, if I have to.” He whined, really wanting to go back to bed.
“Well, I suppose you don’t have to, but who will look after Rarity?” Twilight said, confused.
Spike perked up, “Rarity will be there?” He asked, excited about the prospect of seeing his one true love again.
“Oh yes, every pony will be there,” she replied, smiling. She had him.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Spike shouted as he made his way down the stairs and into their living room.
Twilight followed behind him, shaking her head at the love-struck dragon. “Well, I have to pack, have a shower and have breakfast,” Twilight explained walking over to the storage closet.
Opening it, she found her saddlebag, blankets, a torch, blank parchment. She spent some time looking for some rope, but couldn’t find any, “hmm... never mind, I doubt we’ll need it.” She shook her head at the nagging feeling that she got whenever she couldn’t tick something off and closed the door.
Her friends had been worried about her when she had broken down, almost destroying the town with her "want it, need it" spell. They had made her Pinkie Promise not to fret over the small things quite as much. This turned out to be difficult, but Twilight saw it as a challenge and tasked herself to beat it.
Walking into the bathroom, she turned the shower on with her magic and stepped inside. After some time, she stepped out smelling of lavender and sighed, “Spike, is breakfast ready?” She called down to her assistant.
Frowning at receiving no reply, she trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen. Stifling a laugh, she stood there watching Spike sway around and groove to some imaginary music only he could hear. He was humming some new pop song and moving the eggs around in the pan.
“Having a good time?” Twilight asked, finally letting out her laughter. Spike froze up and slowly turned his head towards the doorway, shock on his face.
“How long were you there?” He asked, embarrassment colouring his face.
“Not long,” she replied, turning around and sitting at the table, “don’t worry, I won’t tell any pony.”
Spike sighed and asked, “Scrambled or fried?” Breaking Twilight out of reading Equestria Daily.
“Huh, oh scrambled please” she replied, putting the paper down and thinking about what she saw the night before.
Spike came over with two plates, one for him and one for her. Twilight’s one was considerably smaller than his. She frowned and looked up at him.
“What? I’m a baby, I need my strength.” Spike replied innocently, putting on a grin. Twilight shook her head and dug in, eager to get on with the day.
___
Inside of Sugarcube corner, the home of Twilight’s friend Pinkie Pie, it was chaos. Pinkie was shaking and shuddering while trying to keep still. “Whoa, that was a doozy!” She shouted out, holding onto a leg of her bed for support.
Soon after she calmed down, shaking her legs to make sure no more shaking would occur, she heard somepony ring the bell downstairs. Making her way down, she saw that it was Twilight standing in front of the counter, talking to Mrs Cake.
“Oh hi Twilight, what brings you here?” She grinned and hugged her. Pulling back she continued, “Are you here because you want a party, or maybe a cake... or maybe a -” She was stopped by Twilight closing her mouth with her magic. Feeling a bit deflated at her friend stopping her, but really wanting to hear why she was here, she stopped.
“Finished, Pinkie?” Twilight asked, smiling.
“Mhm,” she replied, nodding her head quickly. Twilight released her mouth and she licked her lips.
Twilight looked over to the Mrs Cake, who was smiling behind the counter and said, “Thank you Mrs Cake, I can take it from here.”
“Okay dear, if you need anything I’ll be in the back,” she replied, turning around and pushing past the curtain.
Twilight turned back towards Pinkie, “Sorry Pinkie, I’m not here for any of that,” Pinkie’s grin fell for a second before returning in full force, “I’m here because I saw something in the sky behind Whitetail woods and I want my friends with me when I go in.”
“Yay another adventure!” Pinkie shouted, hugging Twilight and rushing upstairs. A few seconds later, she came bounding back down with a full saddlebag and an extra high skip in her step.
“Wow that was fast...” Twilight muttered, then shook her head, “Got everything?”
“Yupperoony, I’ve got sweets, cupcakes and some plates. Oh and some balloons and streamers... Yup, that’s everything.” Pinkie explained, much to an annoyed Twilight.
“So, basically you are bringing food... no real supplies?” Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow.
“What do you mean?!” Pinkie replied, shocked. “These are real supplies. What have you got?”
“Well, I’ve got some blankets, parchment and a torch... oh.” Twilight said, slightly embarrassed.
“And that’s why I brought food.” Pinkie replied proudly, walking past Twilight and out of the door.
Twilight huffed, rolled her eyes and followed behind; leaving Sugarcube Corner, making her way to Carousel Boutique.
They walked through town smiling and greeting other ponies as they passed, until they reached the residence of one Lady Rarity. Knocking on the door, they waited for a moment before the door opened and Spike greeted them.
“Spike, what are you doing here?” Pinkie asked.
Twilight turned her head, “Oh, didn’t I say. Spike is coming with us, I asked him to inform Rarity on what’s going on.”
Pinkie thought for a second, “Oh, ok,” she replied. The three of them walked into the living room to find Rarity sat on a stool, hunched over a sewing machine muttering to herself, “no... Not long enough...” Before she sat up and turned around, “Perfect!” She announced, jumping off of the stool and rushing over to Twilight. “Please Twilight, stand here. Don’t move.” She commanded.
Twilight moved to the spot rarity indicated and stood, taking care to not move, just in case Rarity scolded her. “Rarity, does this need to happen right now, we have places to be.” Twilight asked, only moving her eyes towards Rarity’s swaying tail.
“Oh of course dear, I won’t have you going into the wood without looking your best.”
“But... we don’t know what, if anything came out of the tear, it could attack Ponyville...” Twilight said, grunting as Rarity tied up some elaborate piece of clothing that was wrapped around her midsection.
“Oh fine,” Rarity pouted. She levitated her saddlebag over to her back and undid the clothing on Twilight, letting it slide right off. Folding it up, she placed in a small box. “Ok girls, let’s find Fluttershy!”
They made their way around Ponyville and towards the Everfree forest, Flutter shy’s house was located, strangely enough, on the edge. The four of them walked up the path to the door, many small critters and animals moved out of the pony’s way and back into their burrows or trees.
Twilight gently knocked on the door and waited for the tell-tale sound of multiple locks being undone. Surely enough, the door opened, “H-hello...” Fluttershy asked, peeking out slightly.
She saw Twilight and the girls and perked right up, “Oh hello girls, what brings you here?” She asked, “I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“Hi Fluttershy,” Twilight started, “We are on our way into the Whitetail woods and I might need your help.”
“Are you trying to find an animal?” Fluttershy replied.
“That’s not what we had in mind. I saw something in the sky and I want to investigate, I would like you girls with me, just in case...”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Fluttershy retreated behind her mane, “It sounds dangerous.”
It was Pinkie’s turn to jump in, “Oh no, it won’t be. I’ll protect you!” Pinkie shouted, pulling Fluttershy to her side with an “exp”. “You can count on your auntie Pinkie”.
“She’s like a year older than you...” Twilight said, annoyed at being interrupted.
“Doesn’t matter to me.” Pinkie replied, grinning.
Fluttershy was starting to feel a lot less apprehensive about the whole trip and nodded, “Ok,” she whispered, “I’ll come along.”
After Fluttershy packed and locked up, making sure her animals all had food and water, she flew after the girls. They were making their way over towards Sweet Apple Acres, Home to Applejack. They walked down the path and under the sign, then up to the door.
Applejacks home, the Apple family estate, stood out like a sore hoof against the thousands of apple trees that lines the local hills; the only area where they didn’t plant the trees was around the Whitetail woods, either way, it was a lot of trees.
Of course, they grew other foods than apples; carrots, turnips and the occasional radish make their way into the stocks, but they were tended to by other ponies.
Twilight, knocked on the door with her magic and stood in front of the steps. The door was opened by Apple bloom, who took one look at all of them, turned around and shouted, “AJ, it’s for you!”
She turned back, “She’ll be down in a minute, come on in.” She waved and moved aside to let them all in. They waited in the kitchen for a few minutes, catching up with the latest gossip on the farm before a sleepy Applejack made her way down the stairs.
“What time do you call this, waking me up, “She said, rubbing her eyes, taking care to not fall down the stairs.
“Wow, this is a rare sight,” exclaimed Rarity, then laughed, which earned a hard glare from Applejack.
“Take a picture...” Applejack replied.
“Ok!” Pinkie shouted before pulling out a camera and taking a picture. After she was done, she placed it back in her hair and turned towards four baffled faces, “What, she said to do it.”
“Oh Pinkie...” Twilight sighed and shook her head. Turning towards Applejack, she explained what she had seen and why she was going into the woods.
“Let me pack and I’ll meet you outside.” Applejack said after a few seconds of thought.
“But sis, you’re supposed to be playing with me today,” Applebloom said and pouted, “you promised...”
“I’ll play with you later. Can’t you go and see your friends and do some crusading?” Applejack replied, hoping it would work.
“I guess...” Applebloom whined, her ears resting low on her head, “I’ll see what Scootaloo is doing then.” She then turned and ran out, across the path.
Twilight turned back to Applejack after watching Applebloom rush off, “Great, I’ll see you outside the Whitetail woods, now we have to find Rainbow.” She explained, rolling her eyes. She knew Rainbow dash would take the longest to find as she would most likely be lounging around on a cloud or something.
“Sure thing, I’ll pack and meet you there, bye girls...” AJ replied, racing upstairs to get her saddlebag ready, she was going to be ready for anything, especially if it was out to hurt her friends.
Rainbow dash had just completed her seventh cool stunt of the hour and was thoroughly tired out. She floated down to the ground and stretched, trying to cool down before a much deserved nap.
Out of nowhere, before she could take off towards a sweet looking Strata-cumulus above, she was caught in a purple aura of magic and couldn’t move. “Who’s there, I can take you!” She shouted and tried to move, but couldn’t.
“Rainbow, it’s just us. Calm down.” Twilight shouted as the group galloped over a small hill
“Oh, hi guys. What’s up?” Rainbow asked, changing the topic, “Twi, can you let me go now?”
“Oops, sorry.” Twilight replied, slightly embarrassed. She let Rainbow go, she straightened herself out and flapped her wings.
The group explained what was going on and Rainbow nodded at some parts, but looked confused at others. “So there’s something bad in the woods... why don’t you ask Celestia to sort it out? Not that I wouldn’t help you.”
“That’s the thing, we don’t know if it is bad or not, we’re just going to make sure. If we can’t sort it out, then Spike will send a letter and Celestia can help us.” Twilight explained.
Rainbow nodded, “Mhm... Cool. I’m in, let’s go.”
Together, the six of them trotted towards the Whitetail woods and met up with Applejack, whose saddlebags were jammed with what looked to be equipment. From there, they trotted down the path, unaware they were being watched from the shadows.
Stats
Page generated in 0.032 seconds
Total duration
943 users online
106,735 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I find that I am liking the story, if the first chapter is enough to safely place my judgement on. And I do not go on saying this to add any pressure to your writing. You have found an idea that has been explored by few authors (to my limited range of knowledge), and I will be anticipating the next chapter.
DarkDime out *clink*
3557639
Can I ask, what part did you enjoy? I ask this so that I can upgrade the new chapters?
If any, what did you least enjoy? I'm finding myself, after rereading it, not liking the parts near the ends. To me, they felt rushed and in a way they were, I guess I was tired of not having anything upnearly 3 months :/
3558001
Well, the beginning parts confused me a bit. I could not exactly tell for sure whether Frederick was human or not (if he was written to be otherwise, I blame the human tag). That being said though, I found that his experimentation with the tear was quite easy to read. Reasons for that being, I myself enjoy scientific material, and the way you described his actions helped me to nearly feel the way he felt. I visualized the scene vividly, and overall, the first section was the part that forced me to read the rest, then Twilight's point of view complimented my decision. Just before the view change though, it dragged a bit.
Moving on to the middle, the characters were projected nicely, the order of events kept things fresh (order in which the team had been rounded up in), and I could even see the mental checklist going off in Twilight's head. Their decisions in going on their trek seemed a little more than coincidental though. I did see where you say the story might have been rushed some, and I understand the need to do so when you have not released any content for a while.
The impromptu critique I put together may have been a but long winded, but you asked for it. My opinion still stands to say that I enjoyed reading your story, and I will patiently await the next chapter.
DarkDime out *clink*
3559362
Frederick is human, but from a different universe, one of my own creation. This will mean that there will (and has) be references to that world.
Thanks for the feedback, I'm halfway through chapter 2, so I'll modify it.
3559454
Thanks for clearance, but it seems fairly complex. I guess it will open up new possibilities for things that would normally be impossible. I am intrigued.
DarkDime out *clink*
I found this to be pretty good chapter to a story, so far. I like the base story and can't wait to read more. Although, I do have some constructive criticism to give. Now, I'm no writer, but I know a decent amount in grammar, so, here I go...
The main thing that bugs me is when you quote somebody, you use apostrophes when you should be using quotations.
I tend to see when writers put in their story a 'thought bubble' per say, they do it like this: "Boy, I'm thirsty. I wish I had some water" Thought Popeye as he dragged his feet in the desert sand.
Something that I like in reading stories is some obvious way to tell when you are going to a different scene, skipping ahead in time, or going back in time to relive a moment. Now, you did good so far with separating some instances. But, fer instance, a point in your story goes:
On this, I think you should add a simple line across separating the text. Otherwise, it just feels like it melds together.
That's all for now. I do like the base story line and can't wait to read more of it. Good job!
3561275
Thanks for reading and enjoying.
The part about the apostraphies is that they can be used in place of quotation marks in English books. I have read at least two that do this. one is the necronomicon and the second is "The last wish" (a witcher book, translated from polish to english).
While it is a valid point and I can understand you brining it up, I don't think I will be changing them. Maybe if enough people ask me I will.
For the second point, about the transition. I'll fix that now.
Plus, look out for chapter 2 once I upload it in soon. :)
Thanks
3561314 Oh, okay then. I didn't know that. I'm just used to seeing quotes in quotations, so it just seems weird. But, I can respect that you have a different writing style.
And I'll be lookin' out fer the next chapter.
Oh, and I need to read some of your other stories. I like the idea of a human in Equestria.
You're missing the word time here.
hummmm
So far so good. You need to capitalize RD's whole name though. It should be "Rainbow Dash" not "Rainbow dash".
Too much pointless pony-pony interaction. The second part felt forced to the extreme.