A normal afternoon reading session prompts Twilight to question the true meaning of weather patterns, more specifically... what exactly is a storm?
At the same time, Rainbow Dash is acting strange, as if her mind resembles one of these phenomenons.
The unicorn decides to compare two and two together, thinking that maybe there is a relation nopony else can see. What she does discover is something that she would have never expected. She just hopes her mind won't become a storm of its own.
Entry for Twidash Competition 3.5, found here.
Credits to the artwork go to Nicolaykoriagin, found here.
Chapters (2)
WOO. Can't wait to read it
And over here, we have something completely different
Definitely captured Twi's mannerisms to the 'T'. Nicely done, and good luck in the contest!
Interesting concept indeed.
I'll have to give this a read.
Finished, featured, and with only four comments that give nothing away?
This piqued my interest.
3360209 Hold up, this was featured?! I don't see it in the box
3360216 Wow, gone already... But yeah, I saw it on the last slot and thought it looked interesting. Also, haven't seen a Second Person fic up there in a while (Aside from My Saving Grace. Reading it now)
Concept: simpilstic. Execution: exquisite.
Rarely do I read a Twilight who sounds like she's speaking in my mind. Even when I write Twilight and read it back to myself it doesn't sound nearly as authentic as this here half the time. I mean, I already knew how this would end from word one but I read the whole thing just so I could hear her talk more.
And now you know my weaknessGreat job! Seriously, good luck in your contest -- this is absolutely a contender.3360216 3360316
It's currently featured in the Non-Mature feature box.
So yeah, only the cool people get to read it.
3360507 Is it really that well done? That's surprising because I actually wanted to make further edits to it, but decided against it.
Good to hear what I was trying to do worked well.
Oh, and how did you know that I was going to do the ending with Rainbow Dash like that?
3360530
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/227/165/100586%20-%20frozen%20i_was_frozen_today%20macro%20rainbow_dash.PNG
Felt stiff, hard for me to picture twilight while reading this. Felt more like how quizzical greystone would write. You dates are off as you have two Monday's.
Twilight's note: These two things serve different purposes. So...
3360530 Ahh. I turned the mature filter off to read the latest chapter of the Scootaloo Diaries (The new one)
1. Didn't realize those weren't part of the entry
2. Story flowed very well.
3358721 Hope you enjoy it!
3358763 Just a little bit
3359359 Really the format is the most interesting part in my view. I never wrote something in this journal like way.
3360209 Even with double that in comments it still hasn't been given away. And I did find it on the feature box after unchecking view mature.
3363582 Fair enough. I tried to make Twilight sound like Twilight would, given her natural intelligence and ability to use a more complex vocabulary, as well as her love of science.
Also the dates have been fixed!
3363742 Yeah I know. I always get more favs then likes though, which I can never understand because if you favorite one of my stories, I'm more than certain you must like it.
And yeah I understand the difference.
3364138 Thanks, and yeah you had to pay attention to the entry where I wrote "not in a journal." It was key to stating that we were in 1st person with Twilight as she came upon Rainbow.
Swagger is a real word, though it's a verb.
Great story, of perfect caliber, though it kinda felt rushed near the end, oh well.
A nice look into the mind of a universally curious and far too clever pony. I found the dry tone of the narrative with the occasional ramblings very fitting.
This was quite the story. I have to say, it is one of the most original thus far. It was very heart warming, and left me with tha fuzzy feeling inside. But there are a few things I would like to point out.
One, there are instances where it doesn't feel like a journal. At times, the language used is like that of someone telling a story. If it is gong to be a journal, use words that someone would use in a journal. It became a little annoying to see that because it seemed like, if Twilight actually had written it that way, Twilight was trying to be overly flowery and pretentious. In a journal, you don't try to impress anyone.
Two, the scenes where Twilight is talking with Rarity is really unnatural in a journal. It implies that Twilight took the time to record the conversation that she had. For a journal, that is rather odd. But I do understand that it plays a role and has a purpose. Just think about things next time.
Besides those and quite a few small errors, the story was solid. You did a good job on it.
3424701 Yeah those dialogue sections were supposed to be flashbacks while she is writing in the journal. It does seem somewhat confusing now that you mention it.
I’ve had mixed feelings about this fic since the start. On the one hand, I agree with Bookish to some degree. The way in which you captured Twilight’s voice in the narrative was excellently done. I felt as if (for the most part) that Twilight was speaking in my head, and while the story was a little rough around the edges, that made up for it and compelled me to keep on reading. Her curiosity, her concern, and the dry tone of her voice in places was executed quite well.
That being said, I wasn’t entirely in love with this fic. From the start, I was confused and concerned why Twilight would put so much effort into researching what a storm was. After another read, I caught the bit where you said she already knew the common definition of the term, but still this seemed a little off and a rather forceful push to get the story going. Though that wasn’t too detrimental to the story itself and I found myself more accepting of it after a second and third read through (though why Twilight wouldn’t know the meaning of “swagger” while Rainbow does is still a mystery to me).
I also feel that the emotion and development of the romance here could have done with more polishing and paced out better. The dialogue between Twilight and Rainbow is rough and clunky in several places. What they were trying to say was easily understandable, you just might want to go over pieces of your story (especially the dialogue) and ask yourself, ‘Does this sound like something that character would say word-for-word?’
For example,
At this point Rarity has suggested that maybe the reason Rainbow’s been acting oddly around Twilight is because she loves her, and then Rarity tells Twilight she should give it a chance, not really giving Twilight a chance to take it all in. Twilight’s reaction here feels forced. It doesn’t sound (at least to me) like something she would say. I would imagine that Twilight would be a little more stunned by the news. Something perhaps like:
(Please excuse my horrible writing there, I’m not attentive enough to try anything relatively good :P)
Anyways, my point is that while you have done a really, really good job at capturing Twilight’s mentality in these journal entries, there is still a lot of polishing that could have been done with regard to the story development and the dialogue between characters. The romance itself is rushed with Twilight immediately accepting Rainbow as her love interest. Even though the kiss at the end was very sweet and enjoyable to read, I felt that the build-up was lacking. Nonetheless, this was still a good read, and I look forward to more from you in the near future.
Timaeus out.
3464569 I see what you mean about the romantic part being rushed. I noticed that right after I finished it, but knew there wasn't much I could do about that, given the lack of time I had available (which was my fault for writing this in basically 2 days). If I went back and did this again, I would actually split the story up into multiple chapters and have it last longer overall.
I still wonder if my original story idea (which I abandoned near the end of the contest because I got writer's block on it) would have been recieved better. I'm actually working on it as I write this, and plan on submitting it soon if your interested.
I'm glad you enjoyed how I wrote Twilight's voice. Its made me realize that she's actually my best character in writing, more so than Rainbow was.
Thanks for the in depth review!
NOTED BEFORE I READ:
I have one note on the cover, either her head is too small, or her eyes are huge...
But what can i say this story has to be good after all its written by The DJ Rainbow Dash!
NOTED AFTER READING:
...
Before I even could react to what was happening, I felt a pair of lips press aggressively into my own as my eyes opened wide in shock. I was frozen on the spot as Rainbow Dash pulled me close, her hooves wrapping around my back as she continued, the kiss working to make me melt into a puddle.
Electricity danced through every nerve in my body as I kissed her back with a matching aggressiveness, our tongues battling with one another like two armies on the front line.
...
Ohhhh meooooooow!
3 words, 100% AWESOME
thats all
I liked the journalism style; quite fitting for Twilight.
Two things bothered me. One, kiss out of nowhere; that's probably just a personal qualm, but it was literally out of nowhere. You have Rainbow working the awkward, shy angle suddenly acting--well, honestly, like normal Rainbow Dash--but it's a jarring transition.
Two, where the hell is Spike? That one is an even less important nit to pick, but did he just conveniently disappear?
Anywho, it's still well written. Simplistic, (almost) perfectly in character, and not many spelling/grammar errors (none that I specifically remember or care to look for at the moment; my read later list is still over 100).
In response to your questions: 1) Actually, that fit together quite well. You separated the flashbacks and regular story content with text formatting, which made it easier to tell what was what. 2) Like 40W oil; functional, reliable, coherent and smooth.
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews.
Have you ever found yourself staring bleary eyed out a car window on a very long car trip, traveling along a large, fenced in field where a lone cow stares back out across the road as the cars race by? Have you ever wondered just what they might be thinking? So, naturally you astrologically project your consciousness into them and discover to your dismay that their rudimentary neurons can barely process, "Wind feel good," and they're not equipped to deal with your whiney existentialism anymore than a giddy, flower-eyed, innocent preschool child is watching a tentacle porn/snuff film hybrid. Oh, wait! What am I saying? You don't have superpowers! Well… just pretend this is a metaphor or something.
"Oh noes," I hear you calling, "twitterdick is reviewing a shipfic! I better get my safety goggles and my apron because watching an evisceration can get messy! I can't wait until he whines about its shallow, idealistic nature and his four hurdle method and how love is dumb!" Well, prepare your anuses for a shock-induced sudden discharge because "On the Subject of Weather Mentality" really isn't that bad. In fact, it's pretty good.
Sure, it's a TwiDash ship fic by an author that seems to write those exclusively and it more or less gets stuffed to the brim with everything that annoys me about shipfics - but I figure that's more my problem than a problem with the story itself, more on that note later. Praises aren't exactly funny, so let's just get them out of the way now: First of all, it's a MLP fic that not only stays true to the overarching themes of the series but also features the actual main cast in more than a glorified cameo for OC central. While Twi and Dash are - wait for this, it's going to blow your mind - the absolute stars of the show, the other four are present and have some kind of role in the story, and every single one is in character, which is nice. Finally, all the author's experience in chugging out these ship fics must of either culminated or originated from some kind of innate skill - DJ Rainbow Dash seems to have a firm grip on pacing and character, and understands that the declaration of love must be appropriately builded towards to have any kind of impact rather than just spouting it out in the beginning like cat gobbing a dead bird onto the family welcome mat.
Alright, now that's out of the way, let's talk snide shittiness: "OtSoWaM" (AH-sta-WHAM) has the same presentational problem as that thing I reviewed last time in that it's told through a series of journal entries - which is fine in theory, but it creates a sense of eerie uncanniness, fracturing one's immersion like a dead goat head in an otherwise serene scented bubble bath. One feels themselves start to wonder just who Twilight is writing this for as she spells out everything she just experienced in a placid, exposition soaked motherly monotone. The obvious answer is, "so the audience can know what the fuck is going on," but part of the appeal of being told a story is the voyeuristic glee of watching someone's life play out from a point of safe omnipotence and when things happen in the story simply for the benefit of the audience, that God fantasy is broken - and that all-important God fantasy is a very important thing to maintain for all us egocentric, solipsistic types.
But, you know what, making a bad decision and sticking with it to the end is at least somewhat commendable, but, like recognizable landmarks in disaster movies, "OtSoWam"'s structure noticeably begins to collapse into itself in the form of italicized flashback segments. This completely baffled me -- if you realize that your presentational method isn't conveying the story quite how you wanted, wouldn't it make sense to just drop that modem completely rather than just flip back and forth schizophrenically between two very different modems (in this case, third person limited and epistolary)? It's like finding yourself in an ice rink and instead of swapping out your light up Sketchers for some nice, sensible ice skates, you rip your braces off your teeth with naught but your fingers and fashion them MacGyver style to just one of your shows, forcing you to maintain your balance on one leg while trying to ignore the seething pain in your mouth and fingertips.
So if that's the only major problem with this story, then, should that blatantly idiotic presentational decision be mitigated, "OtSoWam" would ascend into the etheric planes of beauty, excellence, yummy-tummy pies and snuggle-y kittens, right? Well… maybe. That's where the aforementioned "my problem" thing comes in. You see, I'm not wild about this story, but I think that's my fault, not the author's.
If I might get genuinely serious for a minute, all dick and sandwich jokes aside - I find myself in an interesting position: My biggest grievances have nothing to do with HOW "OtSoWaM" is presenting, but rather WHAT "OtSoWaM" is presenting. I walk a fine, sexy line between CRITICISM and HATRED, and this point is where I've always differentiated the two black and white style. Pointing out flaws in HOW an idea is presented and how that presentation can better convey the original idea is criticism, but ranting about how the idea sucks is just hating. In other words, my main problem with the story is that it is simply not for me.
It's hard to say this without coming across as the bitter Ebenezer Scrooge type that still holds resentment for the prospect of love because Suzie Derkins didn't go to the 8th grade dance or whatever, but I've always genuinely disagreed with the common portrayal of love as this inexplicable, supernatural force that swoops in and presents you with a pretty person that solves all your emotional problems. People cling to their narratives, and I disapprove of reinforcing the notion that universe has a preselect perfect soul mate for every man woman and child designed to perfectly complete the person in question - the universe certainly couldn't care any less about your happiness. I've always viewed love as a mutual beneficial transaction that's fully aware and accepts its finite nature, not a self-fulfilling perpetual snuggle-fest that everyone is entitled to.
And that's fine, that's my opinion… some people just don't like tomatoes, some people just don't like rap music, some people just don't like getting fisted without lubrication or proper build up and I just don't like shipfics. Okay, serious time is over; picture a big titty unicorn butt-fucking a dead hippo or something. Aaaand… we're back!!
So, Yahtzee has his "Spunkgargleweewee" to label a side of 'shooters' that don't appeal to him, so I figure I need my own name for idealized, cookie cutter love stories that just don't appeal to me. Granted, it needs less inherent contempt - maybe it could sound a little adorable despite its callous and cruel nature like an adorable kitten facing an oncoming train… So, how about something like "Giddyspunk." Yeah, I can dig it!
So, "OtSoWaM" is a Giddyspunk, so it just doesn't appeal to me. Still, it's unnecessarily convoluted and inefficient presentational modem isn't a deal breaker and can easily ignored like an anti-Semitic rant on an otherwise pleasant "Q&A with Double-Dick Guy" forum. DJ Rainbow Dash is probably one of the better Giddyspunk authors, so, if Giddyspunk is your thing… and it probably is - these stories are the backbone of all of fanfiction - than this particular story is liable to smack you about with the cutesy feels you lot love so much. So if the phrase, "another bloody TwiDash shipfic" in anyway interests you, than grab this story and smear it all over your face holes or whatever it is you Giddyspunkers do. Now, if you'll excuse me, a group of ghosts is carting me off to learn about the spirit of Christmas.
Very nice story. I could quite easily see this happening.
You portrayed Twilight flawlessly and the way Rainbow was acting is one of the many ways I could see her reacting to a foreign/confusing emotion such as love.