To Where and Back Again, part 1
“Long time, no see,” I said to Derpy. She’d gotten a new job and a new uniform. Still delivery, though.
“Yeah, and I see a lot of things,” she agreed.
“So are you going to vote for me for President of Equestria?” I asked.
“Oh. I didn’t know there was an election.”
“There is. I’m running.”
“Don’t you usually need at least two candidates when having an election?” Derpy asked. She was more perceptive than many gave her credit for.
“Usually,” I said. “And there is. But you’re voting for me, right?”
“Maybe,” she said.
That seemed to be the end of the conversation. I couldn’t really force the issue. To be elected, you kind of needed voters. And anyway, I understood that she had things to do. Unlucky working stiffs.
I counted myself in that demographic. Cataloging naughty and nice in a whole universe that Santa Claus had never visited before wasn’t going to be easy. In an established place that already had Santa, you could just go through and update the list every year. Here, I had to build it from scratch. That meant assigning everyone to either the naughty or nice list.
Ordinarily, that meant I should probably meet with everyone in the universe one by one and get a sense of where they belonged. Yeah, screw that. It was time for demographic-based pre-profiling.
Also, I had put “naughty” and “nice” on each of my front hooves with permanent marker, so I could stamp each individual with either one, should that be required. It hadn’t yet. Plus, I didn’t have enough room to write the whole word, so I abbreviated. Which unfortunately left me with just N on each hoof.
It was still a great excuse to punch people in the face, though I hadn’t gotten quite so desperate for entertainment. Most of that came from trolling Twilight.
I walked into the library and sat down on the couch. I smiled. It was good to be back.
Twilight walked into the room and dropped a whole load of books. “Valiant! You have got to stop doing this!”
“Doing what?” I asked, honestly confused.
“Just...just…” Twilight gestured. She wasn’t used to being at a loss for words. “Being you!” she finally blurted. “It’s so incredibly frustrating that reality simply lets you get away with what it does. You’re cheating, I just know it. I have never encountered a pony so incredibly dishonest and self-serving.”
“Ouch,” I said. “But haven’t you noticed I’ve been taken down a peg?” I spread my forelegs. “Look at me, working for a living. I was separated from my family. And the whole being killed thing was incredibly traumatic and painful.”
Twilight looked away. “So I’m supposed to believe you’ve turned over a new leaf?”
“I never said that. I was just pointing out how not everything is going my way.”
“I suppose. You’re not even an alicorn anymore,” she said.
“Yeah, I gave that up. Too easy.”
“Yet dying wasn’t?”
I shrugged. “I try not to think about it. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Twilight, though it probably won’t surprise you. Getting killed by Heaven, Hell, and Starlight Glimmer was my greatest failure. Yeah, I know that it took all them working together to pull it off, but I still lost. And I lost a lot. So yeah, I’m a little bit humbled.”
“But just a little,” she said flatly.
I grinned. “Right. Heck, I’m confident enough to run for President.”
Twilight winced. “I’m sure you’ve read the old Equestrian laws.”
“I sure have. That’s where I got the idea.”
“Real or perceived power or not, Valiant, surely you realize that you would find running a country incredibly tedious.”
“You’re just trying to undermine my ego that says I would be a great President,” I said. “Do you think Columbia would be a better president than me? It’s a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.”
Mmm, that’s good satire.
“I refuse to take part in this,” said Twilight, leaving the room.
“If you don’t vote, then you don’t have any reason to complain about the results!” I called after her.
But not that it would matter. Of course I was leaving nothing to chance. I’d created Columbia as a straw candidate. She was going to lose. Who wanted to be ruled over by a patriotic hermaphrodite from the moon?
totallynotabrony toasted his computer screen. “Present company aside.”
I left the library and headed to the town square. Along the way I encountered Pinkie. Of all the girls, she seemed least phased by my unexpected return.
“Hi!” she said. “What are you doing today, Valiant?”
“I’m about to decimate the incumbent political system by becoming the leader of the country through an obscure legal loophole,” I said. “You should vote for me. I have a political party, after all.”
It was like music to her ears. “Why didn’t you say so? I can’t not go to a party. Getting an invitation to a party and not going is like...well, I don't know what it’s like, but it is definitely bad.”
I nodded. “You’re right about that.”
“But I’m not voting for you,” she said. “I’m content in the status quo. I’m also not confident about whether you’ll legalize gay marriage.”
“Um, Pinkie, of course I would. I have no moral problem with it.”
“No, I want it to stay illegal,” she said. “I’ve gotten to the point that it’s the only thing that makes me feel kinky anymore.”
She skipped away.
I frowned. “Huh. I honestly didn’t know it’s still illegal. Guess I could have done more research into old laws.” It would sure help me get my mind off kinky Pinkie.
Anyway, I got going. The election would begin soon. Beforehand, Columbia and I had a debate scheduled in front of the town hall.
An even larger crowd than I had expected turned out. Even Merry had come. I suppose she counted as a voter. Stranger things had happened.
Before either of us could begin speaking, however, Princess Celestia appeared. She took the podium in front of the welcoming crowd. “Hello my little ponies. I have good news for you. I’ve always valued responsible spending and a government that works for you. I’m pleased to announce that as of a few minutes ago, a revision in policy has eliminated an archaic position that has gone unfilled for centuries, streamlining the system.”
The crowd cheered. Celestia smiled in my direction.
It hit me. She’d passed a law that eliminated the position of President before I could be elected to it.
“How did you know?” I blurted.
She winked. “A little bird told me.”
I figured it out. Celestia, as Cracker, had overheard Twilight talking about the ancient book that described the ancient and unfilled position of President. She’d then overheard Columbia and I campaigning for it, and took the opportunity to tighten her grip on power by eliminating the chance that someone could enter a higher office than her.
Furthermore, she’d shown up to a debate where she knew there would be a lot of ponies gathered and stolen the crowd to make her announcement to.
“Well played,” I muttered after a long moment.
Celestia waved goodbye to the crowd and departed.
Columbia and I looked at each other. “So what do we do now?” she asked, interested and curious.
“Nothing,” I said. “It’s over.”
“Oh, okay.” She paused. “Hey, can I borrow that Desert Eagle you carry?”
“Sure.” I pulled it out of its holster and handed it over. She pranced away with it.
The crowd had started to disperse. They all heard the shot from behind town hall, but none of them thought it was worth investigating.
“Did...did she just…?” said Merry.
“I assume,” I said. “That’s what she was supposed to do.”
“Supposed to?” she demanded.
“Yeah. That’s how I made her, self-terminating once her purpose had been fulfilled.”
“You just made her so that she would automatically kill herself when she wasn’t useful anymore!?”
“And she was happy to do so,” I pointed out. “It made her happy to fulfil her function.”
“That doesn’t change how wrong that is!”
“You were happy when you were Tin Mare,” I pointed out.
“Same argument! Taking away free will is wrong!”
“So...we shouldn’t even punish criminals by locking them up?”
“Stop twisting my words!”
Merry wasn’t going to give this up, and it’s kind of difficult to win a debate against a seventeen ton death machine with a hormone imbalance. I sighed. “What I gave you a new body, an organic one. Would that make you happy?”
Merry hesitated for a long moment. “You can do that?”
“If I could rebuild Braeburn from a cripple into the stallion he is today, imagine what I could do with better technology and a consenting patient. If you consent, of course.”
“A real flesh-and-blood body?” she said.
“That’s right.”
She hesitated again, but said, “All right.”
“Great, we can start now.” I reached into her systems consoles and disconnected the neural link. Her ailerons instantly went limp as her brain was disconnected from the machinery.
“I even have a body ready to go for you,” I said. “It’s very fresh.”
One schlep later and I had all the requisite parts back in my workshop. Before you get any ideas, the toys I made in this workshop were not intended for good girls and boys. I might be an employee of Santa Claus, but it’s not all Christmas all the time.
I got some good montage music going and rounded up Trixie and Sunset to provide extra hooves. Cordoba watched, excited at the work we were doing, but still not healed enough to help.
I used the word “healed” intentionally. Partly due to her meat exterior, but also repairing your daughter is kind of a weird turn of phrase.
Columbia had done a good job of herself. When you put a fifty-caliber pistol to your head and pull the trigger, it tends to remove the top half of your skull. It was a fairly simple task to take the jar Merry’s brain resided in and place it in the hole. Yeah, it stuck out kind of weird like Mojo Jojo, but the jar made a nifty glass display case.
As to what to do with the now vacated Monstrosity VTOL chassis, Cordoba asked, “Can we have Tin Mare again? I liked her.”
As it happened, there was a copy of her programming lying around. We slapped an old PC into the automation console and loaded Tin Mare’s code disk into the CD drive.
Windows 98 was kind of old, but that was still faster than the average pony’s brain. And she would be able to play Doom.
Of course it wasn’t that simple. A sophisticated AI capable of thinking and learning wasn’t exactly plug and play on a Pentium II. It would take a few calibrations. I left the others to handle that and also assist with Merry coming out of anesthesia.
I arrived back at the library. Twilight was probably going to ask why I wasn’t President, so I needed something to distract her.
Derpy, bless her heart, arrived just then with a letter. It was from the ponies of that one equals sign-shaped town Starlight Glimmer used to lord over. Strange that we didn’t know the name of the place. Maybe they didn’t, either.
Anyway, they were having a Sunset Festival and wanted Twilight & co to come, since they’d liberated the townsponies and all. They hadn’t specifically invited me, but I figured if I had been around for the aforementioned liberating I probably would have done even more than the girls. I really like liberating. And also libating.
So when the girls went to the no-name town, I went along. So did Spike and Cracker. I didn’t think it was going to be much of a party - the place had only thirteen houses, after all - but any party could be improved with Pinkie Pie. Also, liquor.
The Wonderbolts were also there. That was unexpected, and Twilight asked, “What are you doing here?”
“Rainbow Dash was invited and Night Glider is from the place,” said Wind Rider.
“It’s just a regular old danger zone in here,” I said.
Wind Rider looked around warily. “Why would you say that?”
I whipped my sunglasses off. “Partially because I’m quoting a movie I like, and partially because I didn’t get a chance the last time I saw you at the Wonderbolts HQ. I was kind of in a hurry to get home and give my daughter an overhaul.”
“Do what to your daughter?” he said.
“I’m a purveyor of advanced robotics,” I said. “I built a pegasus. She’ll probably make you obsolete someday.”
I could tell that got under his skin. “In my day, there was no better flier. I might be a little older now, but I have plenty of ponies under my command who are just as good.”
“Your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash,” I said.
He poked me in the chest. “I’ll fly against any robot you have.”
“So you feel the need for speed, huh?” I said.
“That’s right.” Wind Rider frowned as my smile only got bigger.
I saw Twilight roll her eyes. “You’re doing it again, Valiant. I can’t figure out why you still think it’s funny making jokes that nopony else gets.”
“I’m dangerous,” I said.
Twilight was about to reply, but just then, Quibble Pants appeared at the end of the street.
“Who’s that?” said Wind Rider.
“Another free-thinker,” I said. “I hate to compliment him, but he’s a lot better at it than you.”
He turned to me, fire in his eyes. “You think you’re so great. What did you ever do?”
“I’ll admit that I always talked a big game about democracy, but usually didn’t try very hard. But my presidential campaign that lasted all of one day resulted in the Princesses noticing and taking action. That’s a lot bigger reaction than you’ve ever gotten. I don’t think they even know you’re trying to set up a new government.”
“I’m here to set up a new government!” called Quibble, his voice easily carrying down the length of the short street.
“See, not only does he say whatever he thinks but this guy even had a robot to fight for him,” I said to Wind Rider. “Reminds me of me if I was self-righteous.”
“Oh, you aren’t self-righteous?” Twilight glared at me.
“Nope, just right.”
Twilight glared more.
“Hey, at least I’m not this Quibble dickhole,” I said. “At least when I say I’m the smartest, most special-snowflake guy out there, I don’t actually believe it. Even though I kinda am a super special snowflake, being Santa’s helper and all.”
Twilight's expression didn't change. I put my sunglasses back on. “Guess you've lost that loving feeling.”
She didn't get it, but that didn't stop me from poking fun at her. It never did.
After announcing why he had come to town, Quibble followed up with, “I hereby nominate myself Grand Wizard of Equestria.”
I broke out giggling.
“What?” said Twilight. “What kind of a job is that?”
I couldn’t answer. Still giggling my guts out.
“In case you were wondering, that puts me on a higher authority than anypony, especially the Princesses,” said Quibble. “It’s a little known political position that has been forgotten over the ages but never removed from the laws of the land. Now that I’ve claimed it, I’m in charge.”
“Surely he’s not serious,” said Rarity.
“He ain’t lying,” said Applejack. “Or at least thinks he ain’t.”
“Where’s Celestia?” said Quibble. “I know you’re here, Celly. Come on out and bow to me.” He smirked.
I glanced over at Cracker, who was doing her best to look inconspicuous, walking away and whistling.
Huh, was Quibble for real? If he was bullshitting, I’m sure Celestia would have been more than happy to hand him his ass right in front of everyone.
Also, aside from calling myself Grand Wizard, I really wished I had been the one to find and take advantage of that job in an old law book.
“Wait a second,” said Wind Rider. “If he’s the new ruler of Equestria, and he’s not an alicorn with millennia of experience, then he should be a lot easier to take out and replace as the head of state.” The rest of the Wonderbolts perked up their ears.
“An interesting theory,” I said. “But if killing someone and then becoming them was the way to power, I wouldn’t be where I am now.”
I had never tried to kill Santa Claus, by the way. There was a clause in my contract against it. Feel free to insert another pun of your choosing, if that doesn’t do it for you.
“And anyway,” Rainbow pointed out, “he’s gone now.”
Quibble had indeed departed, leaving behind a few posters with glamour shots of him.
“Called it,” I said.
“Called what?” Applejack asked.
“That the government was going to get turned over.”
“When did you call it?” said Twilight.
“Remember when we stayed up late talking about democracy after Applejack and Rainbow had their stupid Iron Pony competition and I said, ‘Make no mistake about it, Celetia’s rule will eventually end?’”
It took a second for Twilight to remember. She made that face she makes when I’m right and she refuses to admit it. Instead, she shook her head and said, “If Quibble is really in charge now, this is bad! Spike, take a letter!”
Spike quickly transcribed Twilight’s words into a short message explaining what had happened and asking if Celestia was all right and still doing her Princess thing.
Spike burned the letter and promptly spat it out. “Huh, it came back.”
“Try again,” Twilight ordered.
Spike did, with the same result. “It’s like the spell can’t find the recipient, Princess Celestia. You don’t think Quibble’s really in charge now?”
“What are we going to do?” said Rarity. “From what I’ve seen, Quibble Pants is not the pony I want in charge of Equestria.”
“But is it legally binding?” Twilight said. “I’ll have to find the ancient legal text that designated the position of Grand Wizard and review it to look for loopholes. That could take a while. Who knows what could happen in that time?”
I cleared my throat. “So it sounds like you need a coup.”
They all looked at me. Twilight blinked. She shifted uncomfortably, dropping her gaze. She closed her eyes, and sighed. “I hate to admit this, but...Valiant, I think you’re the best qualified to handle this.”
“But do we want him instead of Quibble Pants?” argued Rainbow.
“Oh, absolutely not!” said Twilight. “We’re going to make Valiant promise to reinstall the Princesses as ultimate authority.”
“How do you think you’re going to make me do that?” I said.
“Because after coming back to life, you don’t have the power to stop all of us,” said Twilight. She stared at me.
The others followed her lead and all turned to present a united front.
“What if I call your bluff?” I asked.
“There’s a fifty-fifty chance you won’t,” said Twilight. “And if you do, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that we’ll win anyway. Long story short, statistically there’s only a twenty-five percent chance that could replace Quibble.”
“If I was drunk, that would be good enough,” I said. “All right, fine. I’ll put Celestia back in power.”
I grinned. “But I’ll remember this, Twilight. Some dark night I'm going to statistic your ass so hard you won't know what hit you.”
Wind Rider broke in. “So you’re going after Quibble Pants?”
“Right. I figure he’s headed back to his base.”
“Where’s that?” said Twilight.
“He set up a fortress of solitude in the old Changeling castle,” I said. “Not a bad place, but ugly decor and full of dead bugs. It’s actually pretty near here.”
The group of us headed out. The Wonderbolts came along, though I couldn’t tell if they were curious, wanted to help defeat a mutual enemy, or were trying to find some other way to take advantage of the situation.
We reached the edge of the Changeling lands. Everything was suddnely rocky and barren, leading up to a spikey castle in the distance.
“All right, there it is. Let’s go!” said Rainbow. She flew forward and promptly dropped out of the sky.
“Magic doesn’t work here,” I pointed out.
“How are we supposed to do this without magic?” asked Twilight.
I put as much smirk as possible into my expression. She deserved it. “Remember who you’re talking to, here. You need non-magical air support? Help is on the way.”
“How do you know?” said Wind Rider.
I indicated my earpiece. “A little bird told me.”
ETA, thirty seconds, said an electronic voice in my ear.
“What bird?” said Wind Rider.
“Oh? I was under the impression that you had heard.”
“Heard what?” he asked.
“The word.”
“What word?” He was getting frustrated now.
“Bird is the word.” I giggled.
“Whose word is it?” Wind Rider asked. Twilight rolled her eyes at me, though this time she refrained from expressing disapproval about inside jokes.
“Whose word?” I said. “A word, any word, the word of God, maybe.”
“Valiant, we’ve been over this!” said Twilight. You aren’t a god!”
I shrugged. “Whatever, Quibble needs taken care of. We can talk about this later, after we go smite that asshole.”
Speaking of heavenly power, the skies opened and thunder enveloped us as a seventeen-ton autonomous killing machine swept over our heads and came in for a hover.
I looked up, squinting in the rotor wash. “How’s it going, Tin Mare? You good?”
“Hella.”
I nodded and turned to the others. “Get in, losers. We’re going to go save the world.”
I rolled my eyes. “Again.”
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YES! OUR HELLA CHOPPER IS BACK! now we can forget about the forgettable brain in a jar in a recently deceased but rememberable Hermaphrodite that was a also an alicorn. WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU COLUMBIA. but not you brain in a jar.
also i like the idea that maybe valiant isnt a god except when he is. but through the will of one just wont die. except when the will of the masses and voting changes the story.
7651492 I understood some of that, but hell yea
Depressedamachopter has evolved into HELLAmachopter
:)
Swank af cumsplatulations for you good sir indeed mhmmm do lie mmmmmhhhhmmmmmmmmm
Hey TNAB, will celestial turn out to just be some big fat sweaty beck beard fedora tipping weeaboo ass faggot in a furry suit?
7651510 i.imgflip.com/vo2sz.jpg
I still can't believe you wacked off Starlight but kept wind rider. Still good but it baffles me, not dissing you bro just a thought I was wondering aloud.
7652355 Wind Rider hasn't pissed off Valiant. In fact, he tried to frame Rainbow.
7652432 Valiant has very interesting ideas on what pisses him off.
I remember the chapter you did on the Hoofields and McColts. well, the valley was in piece afterwards I guess. I mostly struggle to see where the line is for Valiant. It seems to be everywhere, from my perspective hence my confusion. in truth if he hated Silver and DT so much and wanted to kill them then I had very low standards for him to start, but I don't know. I'm not sure where his moral line is is all I'm saying i guess. I hope that made sense.
Man, that DOOM reference made me so happy, but out of curiosity, DOOM1, 2 or Brutal DOOM? Brutal can actually tank modern laptops if you try hard enough.
Should I read this without watching the finale episodes?
7654027 Eh, either way. I decided to go ahead and write it, since they were leaked.
7651592 People like you make me question wether life is worth living.
7651510 Glad Tin Mare is back! Also, when can we expect more chapters? ^^
7669112 Day or two. Congratulations on marathoning the story!
But how do you deal with all the BSOD's???
Grumble grumble somethingaboutfreakingpolitics.