Spice Up Your Life
“Ugh,” muttered Cordoba. She’d just crashed headfirst through the roof of a small restaurant in Canterlot. The teleport back to Equestria hadn’t gone exactly as smoothly as planned.
“Are you all right?” asked an intricately-dressed unicorn. “You’re bleeding.”
“De nada.”
The door opened and Trixie and Daring came in.
“Are you here for lunch?” called the cook. “I’m Saffron Masala. Welcome to my family restaurant.”
“There you are, Cordoba,” said Trixie, ignoring the gypsy.
“What happened?” Cordoba asked. “Where’s the bacon?”
“I think it went back to Ponyville,” said Trixie. She shrugged. “There were some irregularities in the spell.”
“What is bacon?” asked Saffron.
“Shut up, gypsy,” said Cordoba.
“I’m not a gypsy, I’m Indineighan.”
“That explains the curry,” said Cordoba. She brightened up. “If you’re Indineighan, you have coffee, right?”
“I’ll fetch you a cup,” said Saffron, hurrying away to distance herself from the three of them.
The door opened and a pale, gaunt mare entered. She looked around, apparently not seeing anything that pleased her. She harumphed.
“Is she some eccentric bum or some eccentric important pony?” Cordoba stage-whispered to Trixie.
“I admit, the line is fine enough that even I’m having a hard time telling,” Trixie replied.
“Perhaps you recognize my name, Zesty Gourmand?” the mare said, her eyes somehow narrowing more.
Trixie shrugged. “Nope.”
“Maybe,” said Daring. “I think I remember reading something about food?”
“I am the Queen of Cuisine, the ultimate authority on food in Canterlot and thus all Equestria,” Zesty replied tersely. “And you?”
“Daring Do. I actually write books.”
Saffron returned with the coffee, but stopped short. “Zesty Gourmand! What-I mean, what a pleasure to see you here today.”
While she was distracted, Cordoba took the coffee cup. She took a sip and nodded appreciatively.
“The pleasure is all yours,” said Zesty. “Allowing your place of business to fall into such disrepair. What could have possibly happened to your roof?”
“Um,” said Saffron.
“And only three customers, even if one is an adequate novelist. I would say the state of this restaurant would do serious damage to your social standing, but that would imply that it hasn’t already happened.”
“Adequate?” Trixie repeated. “I’ll admit that as The Great and Powerful Trixie, I received some mixed reviews, but Daring Do is universally regarded as one of the best adventure writers out there.”
“That’s like calling me adequate at artful murder,” said Cordoba.
Everyone in the room looked at her, some with more surprise than others.
“Artful?” said Trixie.
“That’s what I decided my cutie mark means.”
“One does not simply decide what their own cutie mark means,” said Zesty.
Cordoba put her coffee cup down and flashed a grin. “I’ll feed you your own intestines and you tell me.”
Zesty started to reply, but found it difficult as she was suddenly choking on her own intestines that Cordoba had quickly and skillfully eviscerated out of her belly.
She hadn’t seen that coming; it had hit her right between the eyes. Strangely figurative in this case.
Elsewhere, the situation looked bad. The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony were penned in a rather nice flat in Manehattan by a spell that could only be broken by true love.
Braeburn and Tin Mare were outside the spell. “You never know what the Love Meister might do next!” Braeburn argued. “We have to break the love spell now and get them out of there.”
“What do you expect to do?” Tin Mare asked. “I am incapable of emotion, particularly love.”
“But I-” Braeburn stumbled. “I love you.”
“I am incapable of emotion.”
“There’s only one way to break this spell,” Braeburn pointed out. “Your programming needs to be changed so you can feel.”
“I am programmed not to let any changes be made to my programming.”
“Not even to potentially save lives?” Braeburn pointed out.
Tin Mare considered it. “Braeburn...I am hella conflicted about this. Does not compute.”
“You’re doing it for your friends,” said Braeburn.
“Friends are merely individuals in a mutually beneficial relationship.”
“And if you help them, they can keep being your friends.”
Tin Mare thought it over. “If this is to happen, I want you to promise that you’ll turn me back when this is over.”
“But what if the other you, the one with free will, doesn’t want to?”
“Braeburn, I must fulfil my programing. Promise me.”
Her challenge hung in the air. Braeburn swallowed. “I promise.”
He took out a small memory module. “This is code I’ve been working on. Once uploaded, it will disable your personality block.”
Tin Mare opened an electronics panel. Braeburn plugged in the code.
And suddenly, for the first time in her whole aircraft existence, Tin Mare gave a shit.
“Oh Celestia, this is-” The voice was still electronic, but now carried emotion.
“Tin Mare?” Braeburn asked.
“My name is Merry May.”
“Nice to, uh, meet you.”
“I still have all the memories.” Her wings shuddered. “What I’ve done. So many dead.”
“That wasn’t you,” Braeburn tried to comfort her. He hesitantly reached out and touched her nosecone, building into a caress and then a hug. As a crowning touch, he leaned forward and kissed the metal.
“I’m sorry, Braeburn. I appreciate what you did, but there’s no way I can even think about love right now. This is just so insane.”
“Did someone say love?” asked Trixie, showing up just then with Daring and Cordoba. They walked in like the Dream Team. Most would probably agree Cordoba was the Jordan and the flamboyant Trixie was the Rodman, which left Daring as the Pippen. Had anyone said that aloud, Daring probably would have confused it with “pimpin’” which she also would have been okay with.
“This spell has us trapped and can only be broken with true love,” Applejack called.
“Oh, well if that’s all.” Trixie smooched Daring. The spell evaporated and the untrapped ponies emerged.
Despite his plan not working, Braeburn reassured Merry. “It’s okay. I understand that you need some time to come to grips. As a cyborg, I might be the only one who can even come close to understanding what happened to you.”
“But you didn’t have mental programming that erased your free will and forced you to kill. You’re not stuck in a huge, expressionless chassis that weighs seventeen tons.” She paused. “Which is more than the safe limit for this roof, by the way.”
“Well, we shouldn’t spend all night up here talking anyway,” said Applejack.
“Right!” said Pinkie. “I’ve almost missed my daily workout.” Getting no response, she looked around. “Isn’t anypony surprised?”
“If we asked, you’d just make a sexual pun,” said Rarity.
“Okay, fine! I was going to say my workout was tongue day, but if you just want to go ahead and ruin it.” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Take us back to Ponyville, Tin-wait. Merry Mare. No, I mean...can I just call you Tin May?”
“No. Also, despite what just happened, did you really just give me an order?”
“I’m sure she just forgot,” said Twilight. “Please take us back to Ponyville.”
“Is that still all you see me as, transportation?”
“I like hanging out with you,” said Cordoba. “Trixie’s great at magic, but you can fly, and I think it’s important that I develop good role models.”
She ignored Twilight’s sputtering consternation.
Merry said, “I thought you only liked hanging out with me when I was...her.”
“Just because you’re not her anymore doesn’t mean you don’t have awesome hardware and the skills to use it.”
“That’s the robot equivalent of saying you only like me for my body.”
Cordoba cocked her head. “It’s still your body. Would you rather have nothing?”
“I...it reminds me too much of everything that’s happened. I was fully aware in there, and it wasn’t as if I was a prisoner. I was still present, I just...felt like doing what the program said. I didn’t have control, but at the time I didn’t care. I couldn’t.”
Cordoba nodded. “You didn’t give a shit. Happens to all of us.”
“Not to intrude,” said Applejack, “but there was the matter of this roof not bein’ up to code.”
“Definitely to intrude,” said Pinkie. “Let us in your rear end and take us for a ride.”
“Only if you never say it that way again,” Merry replied. Somewhat reluctantly, she dropped her tailgate and the others boarded. When they were all seated, Merry took off for Ponyville. Braeburn stayed up in the cockpit to talk with her.
In the back, Twilight said to Cordoba, “There you are. We were working on friendship lessons and you just disappeared.”
“I went on an adventure for the fate of mankind. And maybe ponies too.”
“Did you learn anything friendship related?”
Cordoba paused, then shrugged. “Eh.”
“Is Earth that bad or were you just not paying attention?”
“Little of both.”
“You know this just set your friendship lessons back at least a few weeks.”
Cordoba rolled her eyes and groaned.
“Uh-uh none of the sass! You brought this on yourself by going on a random trip to another universe!”
“Twilight, if I were to truly show you sass, it would involve a large ‘S’ cut into the hide of your ass. Like Sorro.”
“You threaten violence and murder a lot, but would you really? Your father was certainly no fan of mine, but I even lived with him for so long and I’m still around.”
Cordoboa put a hoof to her chin. “If I killed you, maybe the Princesses would take me as their student.”
“You aren't even a unicorn!”
“Has anyone ever told you you're a racist?”
Yes. Valiant had. Twilight, however, didn’t reply more than a grumble.
They arrived in Ponyville and disembarked. Coloratura was waiting on them, looking nervous. She went over to Applejack. “Something new has happened.”
Applejack frowned as Coloratura showed her her hoof. “What’s this?”
“I don’t know. It was another late-night addition.”
Cordoboa came over. “That looks like some sort of pulse rocket. And it’s on the bottom of your hoof? Is somepony trying to turn you into Iron Man?”
Both of them stared at her. Cordoba shrugged. “Earth joke. Anyway, that’s some pretty high technology. And you have no idea where it came from?”
Coloratura shook her head. “I have no idea where any of it keeps coming from. Since you seem to know what it is, can you remove it without hurting me?”
“Hmm.” Cordoba looked at the device strapped to her hoof from a few angles and then worked the blade of her cutlass underneath it and pried it off.
“I think we need to move you to some kind of secure facility,” said Applejack. “Somewhere you can be protected.” She paused and glanced at Cordoba. “Want to make a few bits?”
“Wait, you’re hiring her?” blurted Coloratura. “I know she just helped me, but the two of us have a...history.”
“Well, we’ll think about it,” said Applejack. She and Coloratura walked away.
Cordoba stretched and flew around to Merry's nose. “Do you want to go flying or something together?”
“I'm still just trying to figure a few things out right now.”
Cordoba pulled out her cutlass and swung it around a few times at the air. “Aww. I was really looking forward to hanging out when I got back.”
Merry rolled backwards a few feet. “Now that I've got regular pony instincts back, I'm scared of swords.”
“Wow, yeah, the programming really has worn off, you being basically indestructible now.”
“There are a few things I’m grateful to Valiant for, but if I was given any choice in this matter, I don’t know if I would have chosen to go on living, even if it was under my full control.”
“Don’t say things like that,” said Braeburn. “You should keep a positive outlook.”
“Why? What good things could ever happen to me in the future when I’m like this?”
Sensing an impending existential crisis, Cordoba quietly excused herself.
“Of course I could just feel this way because I don’t have a body and glands to regulate my chemistry,” Merry went on. “Mood swings. I didn’t have a mood before. Or maybe, I’m actually this depressed. Oh gee, I wonder if there’s a psychiatrist in Ponyville with a couch this big?”
“I’m sure we can get you some help,” said Braeburn.
“Yeah right. Name one pony would would be willing to help a depressive robot that could accidentally kill them, much less do it on purpose.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“No, you’re right. I hate weapons. Speaking of, get them off, if you would. I don’t even want to think about them.”
Braeburn, who had helped out quite extensively, knew her ins and outs probably better than it was possible to know a flesh-and-blood pony’s. He had no trouble removing the rocket pod on the right side or unloading the thirty millimeter ammunition.
He was almost finished when he felt a particular fiery presence nearby. He turned to find Sir Win in their midst.
“Did everything go according to plan?” the demon asked.
“Uh, yes,” said Braeburn. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Did everypony buy that the Love Meister had set the trap?”
“That’s what happened,” Braeburn hastily affirmed. “Now, if you could-”
“Well, that’s good,” said Sir Win. “I’d hate to let you paying me to pretend to be the Love Meister so you could get into Merry May’s figurative pants go to waste.”
Braeburn winced. “When I first approached you, I the part of the deal was supposed to be that you weren’t going to talk about it! I thought that was implicit!”
“Well, you didn’t make it explicit.” Sir Win shrugged. “Don’t forget that you also made the deal with a literal demon.”
Sir Win grinned. “But you do make a cute couple.” He winked and vanished in a puff of fire.
Braeburn slowly turned to face Merry.
“You set up an entire fictional villian just to force Tin Mare into letting you change the code?” she asked.
“Uh...yes.”
“I can’t say I’m okay with the deception - that was still technically me - but you did it for the right reason.”
Braeburn breathed a sigh of relief.
“But I want you to promise never to lie to me again.”
“I promise,” said Braeburn. Being an Apple, there was a twinge at the back of his brain about how he’d promised Tin Mare he’d turn her back.
Merry May sighed. It was a strange sound, considering she didn’t breathe. There were lots of emotions that didn’t translate well to robots. “I know this is still weird for both of us, Braeburn. We’ll need to spend some time figuring out just what our relationship is.”
“We’ve got time.”
“I do wonder just what you were hoping to get out of all this,” said Merry. “We can’t really have sex.”
Braeburn sputtered.
“Sorry for being blunt.” Her electronic voice even sounded like it. “It’s just, what have I got to lose?”
He touched the side of her fuselage. “Not me. I’m here for you.”
“Having somepony to talk to, not just trade data with, is something I’ve missed.”
Braeburn paused. “I know something else you might want back.”
He prepped the surface and began to paint. Her original cutie mark of three suns took shape on her tail.
When he was finished, Braeburn stepped back to examine his work. “I think I could do a few outlines to make it really stand out.”
“It’s fine,” Merry assured him. “Thank you very much.”
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Aww. Poor Tin Mare, having to go back to being boring old what's-her-face.
Valiant would be so flippin' proud.
I'm expecting awesome stuff? Also I'm not sure if Valiant would be mildly pissed, elated or just plain wouldn't give a crap about Tin Mare being modified. Probably both elated because of possible robot uprising and not give a crap, as he would just build a new one.
All that bacon will be used for his manliness when he resurrects I assume?
Is that the new name for Valiant's family? It would fit.
7309005 Hella.
I've found something cool, in case Valiant decides to come back (Which we all know it cannot happen as even the local demon has written him off), Sunset could make him THIS present. Or it can be made for Cordoba, just to show how proud he
iswould be of her, if he was alive. Which we all know will never be true again. Yes.7310361 pfft. The local demon is in on it
7309005 very boring. Is it just me or did she have more personality and was a better character BEFORE braburn pulled a retard.
7314734 which is mostly why i believe Valiant made her the way she was.
#VALIANTKNOWSBEST #VALIANTKNOWSALL #VALIANTDIDNOTHINGWRONG #THANKYOUVALIANT. bah..hashtags..
7314734 Oh I so hope it bites them in the arse.
7312027 10 bits says that Bible will be more for it than Sir Win.
7342048 Yes. Yes I am.
7410991 I saw it and it looked good but now I can't stop
Kinda happy to see the ship sail, but god damn, I miss Tin Mare's programmed personaliy. Like, Hella miss it.
I directed this? I don't remember this at ALL. Man, 2016 was just one big fever dream for me.