Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?
The girls, Spike, and Braeburn took the midnight train going to Ponyville. Before I give the tape recorder back to Valiant, I’ll go ahead and make the joke that Ponyville might as well be anywhere. I know he hates Journey.
Thanks, Sunset. Moving on and meanwhile, Luna was having a terrible dream in her bed at the castle. I don’t know why she was sleeping during the night, but it must be terribly complicated for the Princess of the Night to raise the moon, go to bed in order to police the dreamscape, wake up to lower the moon, and then go to bed again since she’s supposed to be sleeping during the day because that’s kind of Celestia’s domain.
Or something. I’ve never really looked too hard into anyone’s sleep schedules. My own involves drinking until I’m in a stupor and sleeping until I’m not.
But back to Luna’s terrible dream, I suppose that’s a matter of perspective. She woke up with a start. “My dream ended... happily? That cannot happen!”
I have no idea what that meant. I’m just the guy who watches the feed from the cameras he secretly installed in the most secure bedroom in the country. Sunset thinks it’s kinky. I don’t.
While Luna fretted, the girls were waking up from nightmares. Fluttershy sat bolt upright with a little shriek.
“What’s wrong, darling?” asked Rarity.
“I had a really scary nightmare,” Fluttershy said. “I hope I didn’t wake anypony.”
“It’s just us,” Twilight said. “And I had a nightmare, too.”
They had the whole traincar to themselves. Rainbow, in her dragon form, had bought a ticket and claimed she needed the room. After threatening a discrimination lawsuit, the railway had given Rainbow her own car. After she was back in pony form, it was quite spacious for the eight of them.
“So did I,” said Rainbow, “although I didn’t think mine was that scary.”
“Well, mine sure was,” Twilight admitted. “There was this blue smoke monster.”
“I dreamt about a blue smoke thingy too!” Fluttershy exclaimed.
The rest of the girls realized they had experienced nearly the same dream.
“Huh, I wonder why I didn’t have that nightmare,” said Spike. “I slept great!”
“I woke up to the nightmare that I’m still living while my wife died tragically,” Braeburn muttered.
Ignoring him, because he hadn’t talked about anything else since Cherry’s death, Rarity said, “So then, what could’ve given us all the same nightmare?”
Twilight thought for a moment. “I don’t know, but I do know who might. Spike, could you send a scroll to Princess Luna?”
Spike wrote out the dictated letter and sent it away. I watched Luna receive the scroll, read it, and flash from one of my screens to the other.
She wobbled slightly, disoriented by teleporting onto a moving train, but quickly regained composure. “Which of you saw the creature of blue smoke in your nightmare?!”
They all did, so Luna explained. “The Tantabus is a creature of my nightmares. It escaped from my slumbers.”
“But how did it get into ours?” Fluttershy asked.
“The Tantabus is like a parasite. My dreams must no longer be enough for it. Now it seeks others to infect and corrupt. It must have learned of you six from seeing you in my dream.”
Spike made puppy dog eyes. “So what you’re saying is...you dreamt about all of them, and not me?”
“What about me?”
“Shut up, Valiant!”
“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Twilight,” said Rainbow. She turned back to Luna. “So Smokey gave us bad dreams. No biggie.”
Luna disagreed. “I saw that the Tantabus had grown more powerful, but I did not realize that power was enough to enable it to escape my dreams. If its power grows, it could very well find a way to escape into the real world. It could turn all of Equestria into a living nightmare!”
“It would be a lot easier to fight it in the real world.”
“Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad,” Applejack said. “‘Tween all of us, we might be better equipped to deal with it.”
“Yeah, that does sound good.” Rainbow grinned and punched the air.
“Wait, are we taking advice from Valiant now?” Twilight demanded.
Luna held up a hoof. “I would prefer to deal with the Tantabus before it gets to that stage. Be that as it may, I’m sure Valiant would be more than happy to provide contingencies should we need them.”
“Aw yeah,” I murmured to myself.
“Should I plan for a certain scenario?” Tin Mare asked from the radio.
“Nah, just stay alert. I’ll handle the dreamscape. You can’t sleep anyway.”
Luna and the girls had a plan together by the time the train arrived in Ponyville. The sun was coming up, however, and none of them were tired enough to sleep.
Which is why I had margaritas ready to go at the train station.
I toasted them with an upraised glass. “Hey guys.”
There was a lot of talking all at once, equal parts consternation, accusation, and merry imbibition. Some of them even wondered where I had been all this time.
Instead of answering, I kept pouring drinks. I figured they knew me well enough to have wised up to tequila, which is why I had been saving the salt and lime trick for just such a time as this. The issue of, well, me, forgotten, they were hammered by the time they got to the library.
“Here, here, let me just…” Luna slurred. “Everypony lay down. I’ll schtart the schpell. As you schix schlumber here, I will pur- I will pursue the creature into whichever of your dreams it infests.”
“Yaaaay Princess sleepover!” Pinkie called. Her normally amorphous body was practically liquid at this point.
“Hey, uh…speaking of princesses, aren’t you gonna ask Celestia for her help?” Twilight said.
“There is nothing my schister can do,” said Luna. “Sche has no power in the realm of schleep. Only we, uh, I mean me, uh, I mean I can move from dream to dream. I am afraid nopony can help me tonight.”
“Even us?” asked Applejack.
“You have all schuffered scho much because of me,” Luna said. “You need only schlumber while I hunt the Tantabus in your dreams.”
Spike, who didn’t like girly drinks, said, “I know you said nopony can help, but I’m no pony! I’m going to stay up and watch over you guys just in case!”
“Or I could provide security,” I said. “For extra watching-over.”
They were all suddenly as serious as sober. Twilight said, “Valiant, I’m not really sure I’m comfortable about you having access to my unconscious body.”
“What about all that time we were roomies?” I pointed out. “You never got raped once. Not even by someone else.”
Twilight looked away. “Well, there was that one time with…Sunset Shimmer!”
I looked over my shoulder at the open front door. “Hey Sunset. You want to run security while I go into the dreamscape with these guys and leave my unconscious body here?”
Sunset grinned. “Absolutely.”
“Although, we could still do this my way,” I said to the group. “Let the Tantabus out and fight it on our terms.”
“We should try it in the dream first,” Luna insisted.
“You’re the boss.”
She looked at me. “Why did you put ‘boss’ in air quotes?”
“As long as you pay me, I’ll pretend to work.”
“That isn’t the terms of our agreement,” Luna argued.
“Wait, what agreement?” Twilight interrupted. "Is this about the moon?"
I interrupted her. “Fine, Luna. Just because I like you, I’ll do it pro boner.”
“I think you mean pro bono.”
“Oh, all right, I’ll do it pro bono, too.”
Sunset muttered something under her breath.
With only a little more convincing, the girls and Luna and I had a nice little naptime. I rode along with Luna, investigating the dreams of the others.
She glared at me as we flew through the dreamscape. “Must you use my seatbelts?”
“If wishes were horses, beggers would ride. I’m not a begger, and have no need for wishes because I pretty much get my way anyway, and in the spirit of that, I might as well ride you.”
“You’re so indolent that you won’t even use your own methods of propulsion in a dream?” She shook her head. “Nevermind. I wouldn’t want you wandering off, after all.”
We descended into Rarity’s dream, where she was being attacked by dress tentacle monsters. The blue smokey Tantabus escaped before we could pin it down, however.
Pinkie’s dream was far less crazy than I expected,given it was Pinkie. It was merely a cake that was trying to eat her. By the time we headed for the exit in pursuit of the Tantabus, she was fighting it with a hammer and a sickle.
Fluttershy was being assaulted by a giant-size Angel bunny when Luna and I arrived. We chased the Tantabus from that to Applejack dreaming of a huge apple to Rainbow fighting changelings who turned into singing flowers to Twilight being attacked by batbooks, missing it each time.
I smacked Luna’s butt. “Fly faster!”
She gave me a look that might have killed me in the real world. Speaking of the real world, we were all suddenly expelled from the dreams when everyone woke up.
Spike threw down his cards and got up from where Sunset was kicking his ass at poker. “What happened? Are you guys okay?”
“That... that was terrible!” Fluttershy shuddered. “I never want to have that nightmare again!”
“I am so sorry, my friends,” said Luna. “I failed. It will be back to infect your dreams the next time you sleep. I brought this upon you!”
I shook my head. “Never admit blame until proven guilty! Celestia must be ashamed of you.”
“Um, I think I kinda did something worse,” Pinkie admitted. “I dreamed about everypony in Ponyville. I think that means the Tantabus can now infect the dreams of everypony in town and gain power from their fear, thereby allowing it to enter the real world.”
“Finally.”
“Quiet, Valiant!” Luna put a hoof to her face and heaved a sigh. “We will figure this out. It's early in the day so we have a few hours to plan until the townsponies start going to bed for the night.”
“You could let us help you,” Rarity suggested.
“But how?” Fluttershy asked. “The Tantabus was able to escape Luna when it only had six dreams it could get to!”
Luna nodded. “It is true. With so many dreams to hide in, I do not know how I can catch it.”
“What if everypony in Ponyville were having one dream?” Twilight suggested.
“I can create shared dreams,” Luna said, “but for so many ponies at once? I have never done anything like that. The amount of power it would take...”
“Good thing you all have that Rainbow Power thing lying around that you’ve never used,” I said.
“Well, that was easy,” said Applejack. “Sounds like we’ve got this thing in the bag. Now we just have to burn a few hours until it’s nighttime.”
“Maybe Valiant can tell us what was so important that we get called away from our duties in Silent Hill.” Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Why yes, I will. Follow me.” I gestured with a hoof and led the group out of the library.
Sunset, Luna, Spike, Braeburn and the girls followed me down the street to the recently-erected facility where I did my thing.
Sunset buzzed the group through the front gate. “Go on ahead,” I said to the rest. “You’ve been here before, you know your way around.” A few of them had the good grace to look slightly guilty about being called out for trespassing.
Inside, they clustered around the brain in the tank of liquid. Apparently they thought everything else in the room was relatively uninteresting by comparison, even the VTOL multirole jet in the background.
“Valiant, why do you have somepony’s brain?” Twilight asked.
“Twilight, you should know by now that my philosophy has never been ‘why,’ but instead ‘why not.’” I shrugged. “But anyway, this is Tin Mare.”
They all stared at the brain floating in the tank and then stared at me. Seeing that they still had questions, I went on. “The protein-based neuron network you see here is the centerpiece of an unconventional biological-based artificial intelligence that powers the most advanced weapons system ever built.”
“A brain is a weapon?” Rainbow said.
“Not that you'd know. But yes, when uploaded into a combat chassis, it becomes lethal,” I explained.
“And you’ve tested this?” said Twilight.
“We’ve gone beyond that. Initial operational capability was reached just the other day. The first successful target was the northern railroad trestle.”
“Why would Tin Mare destroy that?” Luna asked.
“Because I said so.”
“And why would you do that?” Twilight demanded.
“Well, wouldn’t you rather be here together solving the potentially world-ending Tantabus problem instead of freezing your asses off in a yak graveyard?”
“He has a point,” said Applejack.
Twilight facehoofed. “Valiant, you just got back and you’re already trying to run our lives by playing overlord again!”
“On the contrary, I never left.” Trollface.
Twilight let out an extended groan, interrupted by Tin Mare speaking up. The small speaker on the tank equipment carried a grainy version of her electronic voice. “Twilight Sparkle, I have watched you and your friends on many occasions. I have had weapons ready to intervene on your behalf if necessary. Why are you uncomfortable with a higher power in your life?”
Luna looked at me. “You built a religious robot?”
“I am no expert on religion, though I understand Valiant to be God,” said Tin Mare.
Twilight shook her head. “Between your ego and the sins against nature you commit, Valiant, you somehow manage to keep pushing the limit. I cannot believe you.”
“You needn’t,” said Tin Mare. “He has plenty of believers already.”
“And what do you know about it?” Twilight said.
“I am a robot. I know what I am programmed.”
“You’re not a robot, you’re a living thing! I can see your brain!”
“I am a biological-based artificial intelligence,” Tin Mare said. “I have a brain. I am a robot.”
“I know that feeling,” Braeburn muttered.
“I am sorry for your recent loss,” said Tin Mare. “You and Cherry Jubilee appeared genuinely happy together.”
Braeburn looked like he wanted to be creeped out that Tin Mare had observed him and his late wife, but settled for, “Thank you.”
“But if you’re a robot, how do you have emotions like sorrow and know to comfort those feeling the same way?” Twilight asked.
Fluttershy touched her shoulder. “Twilight…don’t ruin the moment.”
Sunset appeared with a bucket and a sponge and seemed to be trying to get my attention by washing the jet. It was already spotless. She’d tried the same move before.
The rest left the building, complaining about being weirded out. The brain in the tank was also pretty weird.
I hung out for a while before getting bored and venturing outside. That was a mistake because I immediately spotted one of my least favorite ponies.
I hadn’t seen him in a very long time. We didn’t get along. Also, he was mentally ill so I would feel bad about just killing him.
He’d told me his name was Just Anne Actor. In fact, that wasn’t his middle name at all. He was…just acting. He was actually pretty good at that, probably because he spent so much time denying reality. This time, he was posing as Justin Bee Bear.
Unfortunate name aside, he actually knew a lot about bugbears. He did extensive role research. He’d even once looked up enough about me to pose as my father. Even had me fooled for a little while. When called on it, though, he resorted to lies and illogical paradoxes. He’d switched his story and claimed to be my son.
“Why does everypony keep choking me?” he sputtered.
He got a good look at my face and said, “Oh, that’s why.”
“You shouldn’t have come here,” I said.
“Heard you ascended to a higher plane of existence or something.”
“That doesn’t mean I was gone.” I let him go. “Get out of town.”
I felt for him. Maybe if I’d felt more, I’d make sure he got the care he needed. Dude had a mentally ill vibe.
That was kind of depressing and I decided to drink.
That evening, Luna gathered us all together in the library. The girls made ready to use the Rainbow Power and Luna made ready her tentacle mind-connection spell.
The joint dream looked a lot like Ponyville, except for flying honking muffins, tall meowing Derpy, conjoined Lyra and Bon Bon, walking lamp posts, unicorn Big Macintosh, and a few other things that didn’t happen every day in Ponyville.
Luna popped in. “Ponies! There is something coming, something terrible!”
The crowd started to gather around, worried about the news. Tantabus appeared, towering over the buildings. Luna amended, “No, it is already here!”
“Let’s do this,” Applejack said, rolling her neck.
They all flew into action. And it was boners and nightmares! Boners and nightmares for everyone!
Well, no, not really. This was actually a pretty good dream.
The Tantabus attacked. Houses turned into monsters. Rainbowshine ran out the front door as a house sprouted an arm and did the whole King Kong thing with Filthy Rich as the girl.
I thought it was interesting that Rainbowshine and Filthy Rich were in a house together. Maybe after his daughter, Diamond Tiara, had been thinly painted all over Ponyville, he just didn’t care about appearances anymore.
Everypony else leisurely kicked ass. This being a dream, they could have done anything they wanted, but the girls had been growing into being such badasses that it wasn’t really necessary to change.
Big Mac did, though. He turned into a Princess, crown and all.
The other residents of Ponyville pitched in to help, although it was hardly required. Most of them were probably just happy for the opportunity to lucid dream.
Applejack’s strength and meat puppets, Rainbow’s dragon form, Rarity’s crystalline shell, Twilight’s fire magic, and Pinkie’s acid saliva all made a dent on the Tantabus. Fluttershy dreamed up a pepper shaker and used it to quickly sneeze-shift forms to whatever she needed for the fight. She was raging like a bowl in a china shop, which is to say not at all. This is Fluttershy we’re talking about.
It kind of looked like the superhero costumes Spike had insisted upon in the real world would never get proper use, not if their regular everyday forms were already this tough. I took satisfaction in a job well done.
Sunset and I sat on the hill overlooking the town eating popcorn and watching the battle. She leaned her head against my shoulder. I felt her hooves moving around somewhere but chalked it up to the dream.
The girls took the Tantabus down and held it while Luna came over. Despite being on the verge of victory, she looked at it on the ground sadly. “I created the Tantabus to give myself the same nightmare every night to punish myself for the evil I caused as Nightmare Moon.”
“But why would you do that?” Fluttershy asked.
“To make sure I never forgave myself for how much Equestria suffered because of me. But it seems I have not learned my lesson, for now I have only made you suffer more through the Tantabus escaping my dream.”
“But look at what you did,” Twilight pointed out. “Nightmare Moon would’ve wanted the Tantabus to turn Equestria into a nightmare. Together, we stopped that from happening. That proves you’re not the same pony you were then. Everypony who knows you knows that Nightmare Moon is in the past.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Luna smiled and nodded. She stepped forward and delivered the final blow. The Tantabus disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Fighting the Tantabus was a nice diversion for the night and after it was done, we all settled into pleasant dreams.
In the morning, I woke up on the library couch for the first time in what felt like a long time. Luna had returned to Canterlot. Spike was still sleeping. Braeburn had gone to Sweet Apple Acres. Sunset was on top of me. The girls were on the way to their command center.
I was there to greet them with a large blue-glowing hologram of my face that had been set up at the front of the room. “Hey guys, I took the liberty of installing this. I call it the Zordontron.”
Twilight chucked an apple from the fruit basket at the hologram. Of course, it passed straight through with no effect. She rolled her eyes. “I really wish you’d stop taking the liberty of doing anything.”
“Are you taking my taking of liberty?” I accused. “Careful, you know what happens when you do that.”
The rest of them ignored me and sat down around the table. Applejack said, “After thinkin’ about it, there’s somethin’ about that brain at Valiant’s place that I feel like I’m overlookin’. It should be an obvious question to ask, but it’s on the tip of my tongue.”
“I kind of wonder where Valiant got it,” said Rainbow. “Maybe from one of the ponies he’s killed?”
“No way, I said. “I would never use the brain from a bad guy to power things. It’s just asking for trouble.”
“How do we know you didn’t kill somepony who wasn’t bad?” Twilight said.
“Now, I’ll admit that I’ve spread homicide around a lot,” I began.
“Equicide,” Twilight interrupted.
“Twilight, do you want to go on my list? I’ve even got it set up on an internal network so I can access the names at any data center and quickly put you on.”
“An internet?” said Rainbow. “That sounds stupid.”
“Calling the internet stupid?” I said. “Huh, that might be the most insightful thing you’ve ever said, Rainbow. You’re off the list.”
“But back to Tin Mare,” I said, “I had a brain and I figured out something to do with it.”
“Wait, did you obtain the brain first and come up with somethin’ to do with it, or did you have the idea first and then had to go looking for a brain?” said Applejack.
“And if you said you would never use a bad pony’s brain, then you had to have killed somepony who wasn’t bad,” Rainbow said.
“While Valiant is prone to murderous rampages,” said Fluttershy, “and while his brand of justice is often ridiculously overkill, I don’t remember him ever deliberately taking the life of anypony who hadn’t done something. And there’s the possibility that he didn’t kill the brain’s previous owner at all, perhaps something else happened to them and he was merely at the right place at the right time to take possession of it.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence, Fluttershy. That is, in fact, what happened.”
“I got it!” said Applejack. “I know the question I was wanting to ask. What’s Tin Mare’s real name? Who is she?”
“You know her,” I said, “though it’s been a while since she’s come up in conversation. You remember that one time when Derpy was brainwashed and working for the changelings and she sent us the dismembered body of her moving company coworker and I got the largest package that contained the head?"
“You mean-”
“Yep. Tin Mare is Merry May.”
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Tun tun tuuuuuuuun
This story is ridiculous. Not for the content, though it is, but for the dedication to the payoff of a joke. Even the most simple things may come up again, and whole arcs are deidicated to a single joke.
One of the best things about this story is its rich continuity. I actually still remember the chapter with the packaged body parts. That was like, what, three years ago?
...How the hell didn't Merry May's brain decay to mush? Did he pickle it or something?
6206966 Well, I think it's pretty clear she didn't survive entirely intact.
Merry May, Monstrosity, and Just Anne Actor all returning in the same chapter we get Valiant back? This is almost more than I can handle.
6218861 This isn't Monstrosity, it's a jet.
6220183 Aww dammit! I thought it said VTOL?
6227932 It's a VTOL jet. Valiant has a thing for vertical takeoff and landing because Equestria has precious few runways.
6233620 If I wanted to make a joke, I would have just said "F-35"
If this story ends on the last episode of mlp season 5, i will end you!!!
6302969 I know, right?
6329238 Don't worry worry, I found a pretty necklace that fixed it, a zebra said something about evil and demon alicorns when I 'found' though, But I fell great!
screams of pain could be heard in the distance, it was fluttershy
“I am no expert on religion, though I understand Valiant to be God,” said Tin Mare.
...And he was eaten by worms and died.
Dun dun dun....Merry May is back, sort of!
beggar*
I ship it.