• Member Since 29th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 17th, 2018

DVAN56


I'm just a writer from a crazy place called Ohio

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Equestria was attacked by demons after a crack to Tartarus opened. The races of the world gathered together to push back the tide of demons so the Elements of Harmony could get close enough to close the crack. Everyone played their part and the day was won, but not without loss.

The six mares of the Elements of Harmony now must say good-bye to a dear friend that wasn't even of their world to begin with. His last request is to simply hear them sing a song before he passes on.

-----
One-Shotober Story#6 10/6/2013
Thanks to Mr101 and Timps for pre-reading

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 31 )

3308568 The amount is to dang high but who cares. They deserve to be that high.

*sniffle ssniffle* *looks up* uh i'm not crying i just ah got something in my eye yes! something in my eye

Lab

Great one-shot, found a typo in the summary though.

but not without loose

loss

that was an awesome one shot

If this was made into a full length fic, with the battle and everything, I would totally read it. :pinkiehappy:

I noticed a fair bit of grammatical errors. I'll put them in quotes and number them.

1. Ponies, Griffons, Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, Dragons, they all fought bravely against the horde of demons so they could be stopped.They fought so the Elements of Harmony could get close enough to seal the crack that had opened from the pits Tartarus which was spewing demons into the world.
2. However the six mare that made up the Elements of Harmony were looking for someone in particular.
3. The Elements found him on the field of battle, laying broken and bloodied on the ground. They looked at the sight in horror seeing fragments of demon horns and claws that had pierced his armor still stuck in him. The six rush to his side, tears filled their eyes as the only sound they heard coming from him was the weak, raspy sound of his breathing.
4. “John hold on!” Twilight yelled with tears running down her face as she started to run faster.
5. “Girls… can… you sing… that song... I use... to sing... when I first... arrived,” Johns voice got weaker with each word.
6. “Twilight, dear,” Rarity said putting a hoof on Twilights shoulders “He isn’t going to make it. Lets at least give him the song before he leaves.”
7. “But, ” Twilight sobbed
8. “Rarity’s right Twi. There's not a lick we can do for him now then let him pass peacefully and by giving him his last request.” Applejack said sadly as she removed her stetson.
9. Her friend, their friend, was going to die and they couldn’t stop it.
10. Twilight couldn’t stop the tears but she lifted her head up and began to sing.
11. This night however she would wonder no more.
12. She got to the site where the fire ball landed and was greeted by a fiery crater that was about eight ponies length wide.
13. What she found was John
14. Fluttershy was almost ready to give up on the badger unable to keep up with it when she heard the sound of somepony crying. She faced the direction the crying was coming from which was the Everfree.
15. Fluttershy jumped up onto the log next to John and gave him a hug to help sooth his sadness.
16. However between the efforts of Twilight and Fluttershy, John started to feel more at ease. He started making friends among the ponies, and the ponies in turn became friends with him.
17. Pinkie had lead him to Applejack's barn and removed his blindfold.
18. From the rafter hung a sign that read “Late Welcome to Equestria Party”
19. Rarity had brought John to her boutique to get him clothes for a very special event happening in Canterlot, Grand Galloping Gala. He wasn't told much about the event other then it was a fancy party for the nobles. It didn't sound like something he would enjoy, or the six mares he was friends with, but they were invited by Celestia herself.
20. However Rarity did not have a human shaped manikin to work with and got John to help her.
21. Rainbow Dash and John were on a hill just on the outskirts of Ponyville. Both panting and tired from the training and sparring they were going through. A few bruises could be seen on John’s arms while Rainbows mane and feathers were a complete mess. The two martial artists looked at each other ready for one more round before the sun set.
22. The two circled each other waiting for a moment to strike. Rainbow Dash struck out first using her wings to push herself forward while striking out with her hoof. John blocked the attack, using his hand to knock the hoof to the side causing it to graze his shoulder instead of smacking him straight in the chest. Just as quickly as he blocked he rose the elbow of his free arm up to hit Rainbow Dash in the face. Rainbow couldn't stop herself and rammed right into John's elbow.
23. She started patting her fur to get the dust while John gathered his stuff up to leave. When a sudden realization hit her.
“One more match, we can’t leave today being a tie!”
24. The two had gone into the Everfree to check on the Zap Apple trees making sure they were healthy so they would be productive later in year.
25. The two were able to fend off the Timberwolves, Applejack busting them into pieces with well placed bucks and John bashing them with a staff he had. One of the wolves had gotten the jump on Applejack however and pounced on her.
26. With the wolves taken care of John went to take care of Applejacks wounds.
27. Unable to carry her any other way John threw her onto his shoulders and set off to leave the forest.
Before starting their trek back out of the forest, John took Applejacks stetson and put it on his own head. Applejack gave a huff knowing she was unable to get her hat back till they got out of the forest.
28. John heard the soft singing voices of the mares he was proud to call his friends as he closed his eyes for the last time. A smile on his face as he breathed his last.

Now, I'll correct them.

1. Don't capitalize griffons, minotaurs, and dragons. They're not proper plural. Put a space between 'stopped.' and 'They'. Put an 'of' in between 'pits' and 'Tartarus' and change 'was' to 'were'.
2. Put a comma after 'However' and change 'mare' to 'mares'.
3. Put a comma in between 'horror' and 'seeing'. Change 'rush' to 'rushed', because it's present-tense and the rest are past-tense.
4. Put a comma in between 'John' and 'hold'.
5. Remove the spaces after the ellipses (the '...') and put an apostrophe between the 'n' and 's' in 'Johns'.
6. Put a comma between 'said' and 'putting', and an apostrophe in between the 't' and 's' in 'Lets'.
7. Remove the space between the comma and the apostrophe.
8. Put a comma in between 'right' and 'Twi'. Remove the 'by' and change 'giving' to 'give' and change the second period to a comma.
9. Remove the double space between 'friend' and 'was'
10. Put a comma between 'tears' and 'but'.
11. Put a comma between 'night' and 'however'.
12. Change 'eight ponies length wide' to 'eight ponies wide'.
13. Put a period after 'John'.
14. Put commas between 'badger' and 'unable', 'it' and 'when', and 'from' and 'which'.
15. Change 'sooth' (which means 'truth') to 'soothe' (which means 'to gently calm', which is what you mean).
16. Put a comma between 'however' and 'between'.
17. Change 'lead' (which is present-tense) to 'led' (which is past-tense).
18. Put a period or exclamation mark in between 'Party' and the quotation mark.
19. Put a 'the' in front of 'Grand'. Change 'It didn't sound like something he would enjoy, or the six mares he was friends with' to 'It didn't sound like something he or the six mares he was friends with would enjoy'.
20. Put a comma in between 'However' and 'Rarity'. Change 'manikin' (which isn't a word) to 'mannequin' (which means a large doll to use as a basis to make clothes).
21. Change 'Rainbow Dash and John were on a hill just on the outskirts of Ponyville. Both panting and tired from the training and sparring they were going through.' to 'Rainbow Dash and John were on a hill just on the outskirts of Ponyville, both panting and tired from the training and sparring they were going through.' Put an apostrophe in between the 'w' and 's' in 'Rainbows'. Put a comma in between 'other' and 'ready'.
22. Put commas in between 'other' and 'waiting', 'first' and 'using', 'side' and 'causing', and 'blocked' and 'he'.
23. Change 'John gathered his stuff up to leave. When a sudden realization hit her.' to 'John gathered his stuff up to leave when a sudden realization hit her.'
24. Put a comma in between 'trees' and 'making'.
25. Put a comma in between 'Applejack' and 'however'.
26. Put a comma in between 'of' and 'John'. Put an apostrophe in between the 'k' and 's' in 'Applejacks'.
27. Put a comma in between 'way' and 'John'. Put an apostrophe in between the 'k' and 's' in 'Applejacks'. Put another comma in between 'huff' and 'knowing'. Change 'till' to 'until'. You never want to use 'till' unless a character is thinking or speaking it.
28. Change 'closed his eyes for the last time. A smile on his face as he breathed his last.' to 'closed his eyes for the last time, a smile on his face as he breathed his last.'

That's everything I found. My advice is to use a word processing program like Microsoft Word, and then copy-paste it when you create a story. Word processors warn you when something doesn't make sense. Keep in mind, however, that a word processor does not replace a pre-reader, as it will not pick up on everything. I speak from experience.

Good story. I like the premise, and the song moved me while reading the Mane 6's accounts of John. I'd be happy to pre-read anything else you want me to.

wow that a lot of stuff to fix. I will fix them next time i get a chance. Thank you for pointing them out.:twilightsmile:

feels so mutch feels :pinkiesad2: need more :pinkiecrazy:

Soooo. He is alive on earth? Please!!?!?!??:fluttercry:

As great as that song was, I found this more fitting:

I'm not saying that it was a bad choice, I'm just saying I personally found this better. Anyway, critic mode on. That was a fantastic one-shot, I'd love to read a full-length story of it. Had so many feels and while it was brief it gave great accuracy as to where it was going. I love it. :pinkiehappy:

Well, bravo! This is probably the first and only human in Equestria fic that I've ever liked. Ever. Keep up the good work! You earned a follower.

Comment posted by Leather deleted Oct 7th, 2013

How the bloody hell did you manage to misspell "stars"?

3315548 bad spelling is my special talent. :derpytongue2:

fixed by the way.

3312543>>3316276 I like them and they do fit very well with the mood, defiantly the Dragonheart one(great movie too).

I would really like a full story about this.

this story is so sad:fluttercry:(the feels the feels:flutterrage::flutterrage:)

3747554 Because I'm Awesome:trollestia:

3311676

No, death is always kind to us all. He might not able to return to earth but atleast he had a new home to die for.

4399960 I got something for you. Life and death are the ultimate lovers. Life is always giving death gifts, and death never let's them go, cherishing them forever.

Now he goes flying among angels. I can see him coming back if the daemons return with an army of angelic warriors.

7105715
ERK!!!!! ( feels arrows used on shadow.... it's super effective. KO!!!!!)

3316276
i know this song is from dragonheart but i think some of this song was used in pokemon the movie (2001 i believe)

Farewell, good hunter. May you find your worth in the waking world.

8804202
Their are some similar songs but not the actual song. But I do love the music form that movie as well.

. . .

*BOOM!*

*looks at scorch-mark where T.U.B. Class S was standing*

... he'll be back in a moment... maybe... but to sum up his reaction: that last time he felt this many feels? Past Sins, and that was a long story.
And you made him feel the same amount of feels, in a one-shot, be impressed with yourself.

*POP!*

Hey, boss is back.

Yes and-

I already summed it up for them.

Not no- wait... you did?

Yes.

Really?

*rolls eyes with a smile* *chuckles* Yeah, I did boss.

... thanks. *makes panel appear* *typing noises*

Eh, boss-?

Not now, later, when we aren't in the comment section of a story, speaking of which.

*BOOP-*

Masterfully done, friend. You've inspired me.

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