• Member Since 29th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 17th, 2018

DVAN56


I'm just a writer from a crazy place called Ohio

T

Fluttershy has a secret, every night she is visited by special butterflies. Every night a foal dies.

---
Thanks to Mr101, Berry Punch, TheExhaustedBrony, and Timps for Pre-Reading
One-Shotober Story #3 10/3/2013

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 35 )

bones snapping, tears flowed from her eyes the entire time

slight punctuation error; the comma here needs to be a semicolon as it's transitioning into its own complete sentence.

other than that, this was... wow. I mean, I've never read anything quite like it. this is so good, I think I need to make a journal entry about it. brb.

3295081 Fixed. Thank your for pointing that out.

At first I thought this was going to be one of those "One of the mane 6 is a sadistic psychopath" stories. Glad I was wrong.

Just one thing though, if she breaks the foals neck then wouldn't people notice?

Wow, I... I... have no words. A shiver went round my back while I was reading and I have to say, I almost cried.

A great story, short but perfect that way. The fact that was Fluttershy the one who... Well, the main character, added more sadness to the story. :fluttercry:

I know authors write each part of a story in the way that pleases them the most.
That said I would like to say that I find Fluttershys method of release rather jarring given the tone of the story up to then. If I might suggest, something a little softer, more in line with Fluttershys persona.
Perhaps touch the foals chest and release them that way, whisper something in their ear, (peace, run free,
fly away ? ? ? ) perhaps the lullaby Hush now, Quiet now. Even with the jar this is well written and gets the up vote.

That was pretty good. I liked it.
Most certainly one of the more original and interesting concepts I have read.

hey. congrats on the Feature.

TGM

That was really well done. I felt like crying at the end of it, no joke.

You have my respect, and my like and favorite.

that was amazing. though i cant help but feel sorry for fluttershy. i love it.

So, I downvoted this. Now, normally I wouldn't bother to comment on it, but I think this one actually does deserve an explanation.

Frankly, my first impression after reading this story was - and I mean this in the most respectful way possible - that it had to have been written ironically, as if you made a pointlessly melodramatic dark-sad fic on purpose just to see if anyone would take it seriously. Maybe I'm just very jaded, by even by the standards of dark-sad pony fanfics this just seems... cheap. Shallow. There's nothing particularly clever or inspired about it, there's no twist or poignant theme, and if there was some kind of incredibly subtle subtext I must have missed it completely. It seems to be just Fluttershy killing children, because magical butterflies tells her to.

And that's supposed to make me sad, I guess? And yet, it didn't make me feel anything particular, except mildly offended by how very flagrant it is. And all that aside, the premise doesn't even make sense, because no sane person would ever go along with something like that. Certainly not someone as meek and emotionally fragile as Fluttershy. Not without a very good personal reason, anyway. Heck, there's your story: Explaining why in the world Fluttershy would ever even consider doing this voluntarily.

So, yeah. Sorry if this seems harsh but I really didn't like this story, on a fundamentally conceptual level.

But hey, I do seem to be a minority here - lots of people apparently love this fic somehow, so what do I know? *shrug*

3295745 that and this story so far isnt very dark...she killed a kid. whoop de do.

3295766

Well, I dunno, murdering children is pretty dark.

Also, apparently she kills at least one every single night. (Which really seems kinda excessive to me.)

TGM

3295745

It's a darker take on the element of kindness.

She's being kind by putting those who are suffering out of their misery.

imo anyways :v

TGM

3295745

and it's also implied at the end that the 'green butterflies' are the souls of the ponies she's 'moved on'.

Fluttershy never counted them but she knew that there was one more butterfly added to their flight that night. It does every night.

The pegasus’s eyes began to show sadness as she took her gaze away from the tree leaves and into the forest knowing what was coming next.

Put a comma between forest and knowing.

Beyond that, mercy and kindness are very intertwined in nature. Doubtless that Fluttershy does this since she would have more regret letting the foal suffer than killing them herself.

I like the thought.

:twilightoops: ......

I want to achieve this level of sadness in my stories. :raritydespair:

Tell me what I must do! :applecry:

3295923

Hm, very well, I concede that it has a theme of sorts. I still don't approve of the execution, though.

...Pun not intended. :trixieshiftright:

3295927

Oh, I totally got that part. If anything, I thought it could have been more subtle.

3295745 I respect you, a person who actually gave a reason for down voting. You weren't particularly mean about it or anything, you gave an educated response and people like you should be appreciated.

Why don't sad fics ever make me sad? Oh yeah, because I never get emotionally attached to the characters. Especially with short fics like this. However, I did get kinda scared when I realized that the butterflies wanted Fluttershy to kill a pony, but now that I know the butterflies are the dead pony's soul I feel a lot better about the whole thing.:twilightsmile:

3295792

Also, apparently she kills at least one every single night. (Which really seems kinda excessive to me.)

Actually, I found it strange that it was implied to be _exactly_ one pony each night (or close to it), if she's the Grim Reaper for children and infants. You'd statistically expect bursts (long dry spells and clusters of many per night, even without anything like disaster or disease influencing the death rate).

In developed nations, the infant-plus-child mortality rate is around 10% (mostly infants born early or with any of a number of disorders; children much less often). At one per night, Fluttershy's infant mortality quota corresponds to 3600-ish births per year. In developed nations, you have about 10-20 births per 1000 people per year, so this birth rate would correspond to a population of 1.8-3.6 million.

If Equestria is medieval or pre-industrial (as with early S1), and the size of the British Isles, that might be about right. If Equestria is the size of the US (as one of the Hasbro posters implies), and if it's using the earth-pony-magic equivalent of modern farming to support a large urban population, then either she'd be dealing with a hundred times as many children per night, or she's just the Grim Reaper franchise-holder for the Greater Ponyville/Whitetail/Everfree Area:twilightsmile:.

You get similar logistics issues if you take the Aquilinas approach to theology and assume Celestia brings every newborn into the world and Luna or Nightmare escorts them out. Deities are allowed to do that on a different clock, of course.

On a more serious note, I'm not voting this up _or_ down, as it's an interesting premise but I felt the execution could have been better. I will, however, do a pen-and-ink proofread if DVAN56 wants, as there are still a significant number of minor grammar errors and places where different word choice might help. If you feel that's worth the bother, send me a street address to mail it back to by private message, and I'll add it to the queue.

(Popo, of course, got voted up, because even if it wasn't perfect it made me laugh.)

3295745 I'm sorry it didn't match your tastes :fluttercry:. BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FEED BACK! I actually look forward to feedback like your(good or bad), help me learn to write a little better so thank you again for your input.

3295473 Wake up to see my friends telling me the story was featured they even sent me screen shots. when i checked myself it was already knocked out. I slept through my feature :raritydespair:

3297319 Thank you for the thoughts, a little intriguing but it also made my head hurt a little too:applejackconfused:.

got to say, i really like the way you wrote this story of yours. now, on to the "heavy" stuff. i didn't like it much. the premise is straightforward, which i like about it, but it just doesn't seem to fit. i understand that mercy and kindness are connected, in a sense, but it isn't shown why fluttershy is doing what she is doing. it just doesn't make much sense to me that a character as fragile as her would be able to do something like this every single night, according to the story. don't get me wrong, i know what i should have felt, and felt it, but the feelings didn't last long and weren't as strong as i think you might have meant for them to be. just thought i should share my two cents with you.

3295792 uh i dont think its every night.. i think its just when kids CAN NOT be healed so she puts them out of their pain :l i dont know...thats just how i think. :P

I feel so sorry for Fluttershy :fluttercry:

3297447

Glad you're not mad at me - the reason I don't speak my mind very often is because I'm bad with confrontations and always worry I'll go too far. :twilightsheepish:

Anyway, it's not like I'm against the concept; I just think this sort of thing needs to be done with a lot of finesse and consideration, and preferably not as thousand word one-shots without any backstory. This type of "drive-by tragedies", that seem to be grim and dark just for the sake of grimdark, always annoy me. (Especially since when you get older and less emotional, they start to come across as really narmy.)

3295745 i think the point is, she is the element of kindness, showing kindness to everyone. If you have someone who is ill or insane, etc and never going to get better and only get worse is it kinder to leave them alive, suffering or due the necessay kindness of ending their torture.
I think it shows that even kindness can be taken to an extreme, so "killing with kindness" in a literal sense.

3304828

As I said before, I sorta got that, in retrospect. I just don't think it was given adequate consideration and the story is too short to actually adress the theme - it feels more like an afterthought.

4043078
I know that, I mean wouldn't people notice that the foals had their necks broken afterword?

A surprising number of people physically deal with the body in it's preparation for burial, I'm sure that at least one person would have seen that the head wasn't moving right with the rest of the body or that the body was displaying signs of an injury not listed to the body.

4043091 Maybe they thought the foal hanged himself, or a murder snapped his neck

4043098
........then there would be a nationwide scare as terminally ill foals were murdered without a single bit of evidence as to how.

That's my problem as frankly as far as I can remember the story implies that Fluttershy has been doing for a while and that nobody was noticing a thing.

As for the foals hanging themselves thing, that would Fluttershy would have to string them up afterwords and I really doubt she would be able to go through that.

4043157 I think she snaps the souls neck and she represents the Grim Reaper.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!