• Member Since 19th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 19th, 2020

SupaSqueegee


T

Cale was just a normal guy. Mid twenties, decent job, his own place. Nothing special. But one morning he vanished, only to wake up in the mystical world of Equestria. Meeting this world's ruler - a pony by the name Celestia - he'll find that his life will never be the same again.

A special thanks to my good friend KiltedKey for editing!

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 445 )

Interesting that you double space the end of your sentences. I forget where I read that is done from. Somewhere...

I would drop the oh no, it ruins the flow of that statement.

Definition of responsible I would use a colon. In fact, I'd rewrite the sentence as this.

He was the very definition of responsible: He never called in sick to work; he was never one to shy away from family or friends. But today, something just didn't feel right.

I'd also adjust the structure of the next paragraph, and bring the oh sure down, as the tension and statements seem a bit off. Funky even. I'd do it as-

But today, something just didn't feel right. You can either state this sucker on its own paragraph or keep it to the first one. We'll do the later.

Sure, his alarm went off at the same time as it did every morning - right at 6:00 A.M. - and he gingerly reached out of bed to silence his his phone, much like he did many mornings. The only difference with this morning, as opposed to all the rest? Flows better. Keep the rest of the paragraph.

been he focus been the focus. I read my stories so many times now it isn't even funny. Ten, usually fifteen times. Always have to look out.

I'd merge A few daydreams back up into the former paragraph.

Same with But last night. I think you might be starting too many new paragraphs. Not quite nailing the dramatic tension. I myself might not do enough.

With a grunt he rolled out of bed and sleepily walked to his bathroom. He flipped the light switch as he walked into the bathroom, stifling a yawn as he did so. Today was going to be a long day. I would make the Today a new paragraph above this one, and simply make it as like

With his lack of sleep, and the thoughts of ponies consuming his head, today was going to be a long day.

As for the bathroom? I'd merge that into the other paragraph below it, and you don't need to say he flipped the switch as he walked there. We already know he's walking there! Just write it as.

With a grunt, he rolled out of bed and sleepily walked to his bathroom, flipping the light switch and stifling a yawn as he did so.

Mkay, I'll start another comment, break this down into chunks.

Once again it seemed that sleep had evaded her for most of the night. And what little sleep she had gotten was plagued with nightmares. I'd just use a comma instead of a period.

There was some...creature haunting her. I would use italics on creature to stress it.

the celestial diarch Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I suffered from this majorly before, but now it's only a minor sniffle. Pretty much, as pretty as it can be, our minds have been trained to glance through their names only to see who says what. As ugly as it looks, saying X said this, Y said this, J said this isn't boring: The brain literally skips over the said part most of the time.

LUS is equal to saying the white guy said. Just use their name as much as possible when those moments come. Nobody is going to complain. Some exceptions apply, but not too many.

My advice? Drop the Luna ancient speak. She's changed a lot in season two and three. It's been nearly four years, and if you watch the show she doesn't use it often. It's refreshing to see authors who treat her with 'polished' speech but not 'archaic' speech.

Example of how I would write a non-comedic Luna this way and this paragraph?

“Sister, you are awake; did you sleep well last night?” Luna arched a brow and peered at Celestia as she stood beside her in the waning light of the moon. Already Celestia’s magic was taking hold, and the barest hint of daybreak over the horizon made itself known. "Although on second glance... you don't look all that well. Is something tormenting you? A bad dream?" An older and more regal Rarity is a good start.

Love how you have Celestia trying to show a bit of strength, and then just giving in. Still a bit funky in the sentence structure. A rewrite would be...

“I should have known that you would know about that.” Sparing the smallest of glances to her sister, Celestia whispered softly, “do you know what it is that is causing these nightmares?” She tried to hide the small glimmer of hope in her voice. When you connect a prior clause to dialogue with a comma, the next piece of dialogue is NOT capitalized. Baring normal rules of places/persons/things of course.

Next paragraph change I'd change too

With a snort, Luna merely continued her vigil, her dark eyes staring into the rising sun. After a moment’s thought, however, she sighed. “I am not entirely certain of your plight. I have never before seen in such a creature as what follows you in your dreams.” Still regal and a splash old, but understandable and modern enough.

it'spath It's path. Silly.

She turned to her sister, then, and gave all her attention. I'd change it too. She turned toward her sister once the sun was moving across the sky, giving Luna her full attention.

She shook her head, “While I doubt this means anything quite so dangerous, it still worries me.” I would keep shook her head as it's own statement, and turn the comma into a period.

The mare of the night simply shook her head before turning to look at her sister, their eyes meeting sadly. “Sister...’Tia, We...I wish I knew what to tell you.” With an apologetic nod, Luna took wing and flew off the balcony. Celestia watched her go with a sigh, her thoughts still on the dreams from the past nights. I'd change it too.

Luna shook her head, turning her muzzle to look into Celestia's eyes. She looked away sadly. “Sister...’Tia. I... I wish I knew what to tell you. But I can't. I'm sorry.” Break paragraph here, since an action is taken

With an apologetic nod, Luna took wing, flying off of the balcony. Celestia watched Luna go, her thoughts still occupied on the reoccurring dreams from the past nights. Watch out for how much you say sigh. Don't want to repeat too much.

“Luna…” The mare of the sun shook her head and turned back to her bedchambers. She had a long day ahead of her, and she needed to compose herself beforehoof.

Insert Celestia where mare of the sun is.

I wish I could do more, but the sun is setting in my freakin' eyes. Oww.

wow that's really good for you'r first story

“Okay. So I see myself disappear in my apartment, then I come too in the middle of nowhere. Weird forest, weird noises. This has got to be a bad dream.”

You probably meant "come to" as in, he "came to" consciousness, not "come too". If he came too, it meant he woke up in a puddle of something nasty, and his dreams previous to this would have been of a slightly more... interesting sort.

Thanks everyone for all the help! I'm sure my writing will polish up as the chapters keep rolling in.

This is my happy face:yay: keep going!

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Can do! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far!

I will give you follower, you deserve one, :pinkiesmile:

See previous comment......This is very well written so far, I'm putting it in my favorites list and liking it.:scootangel: Please keep up the good work. :yay::pinkiesmile:

Looking forward to seeing where this story goes!

Great story, keep up the great work!

I suspect that Luna and Twilight will find the answers to a few of their questions rather sooner then either of them had expected.

Whoa..this story is nice,update soon! Love it! :D

please I want more. :yay:

This is quite good so far but the chapters seem oddly short. Maybe I'm just a speed reader but I like this and wish for more:twilightsmile:

I deem this worthy of a favourite. :yay: A good start with a somewhat alternative human character who is less misanthropic than most. Continue to update. Oh, and have a moustache. :moustache:

Cant wait for the next chapter.

I mean it... I CANT WAIT!!! BRING IT ON!!!

Well structured sentences. Plot is very interesting. Characters stay in character. Descriptive detail with rising/falling action. I'll be honest, here. I rarely read Humans in Equestria because it feels like most of them are grouped together.

However, that being said, you are receiving a favorite and a like. A follow is still TBD, but with writing and details like this, I can expect great works of writing out of you. I look forward to more chapters as well as reading your other stories. Overall, great job! Oh, I believe in chapter 1 you didn't make a word Capital after the " marks. I forget where it's at, but still well done! 10/10. I rarely give these out!
:moustache::moustache::moustache:

So many wonderful comments! Thanks everyone!:twilightsmile:

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Writing skills like yours are worthy of praises. :rainbowdetermined2:

3285596
Basically said everything I would. I'll keep an eye on this.

3285722
Thanks, man. Oh, I love your avatar. So true....

I, actually :rainbowderp: Kinda like this:rainbowwild:

Okay, I reeaally like this :twilightsmile: But also, I'm pretty Nervouscited :pinkiehappy:

POST ANOTHER CHAPTER! :flutterrage: I want it NOOOOW! :applecry:

well you can always make the chapters bigger. Then you don't need to upload that much.

3286021

I'm actually gonna start making the chapters bigger. I guess I was just excited to start getting my story out there.

Very well written (chapters need to be longer, as you stated, though). :duck:

Well... this story took off far more than I thought it would man.

Human in Equestria and sex is relatively common, and just... wow. Not that I'm downgrading you!

Wish I could be your editor for the next week, but I'm going to a wedding, and I have two contests I have to do entries for. I'm so glad you've come back into the community.

Hmm... I think I can do a bit before I leave. Want to post chapter four of my own story before I scoot. I'll talk to you on the phone.

This looks interesting. I'll have to keep an eye on it.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.

Well I didn't want to receive any credit, but if you insist...

Chapter one is completely edited. I did my best to keep it to your style and only fix sentence structure and things of that nature to make it easier to read. I want to keep it you, not me. Only where it adds in making things flow better did I do small edits.

3281971 Whoa dang. That's some crazy editing.

I like it.

3286595 I was doing that to show him what he needed to change and to explain it to him since I wasn't on the phone with him at the time. I really didn't want to edit chapter one and two without doing that same method again, but considering his story has become featured - and I'm leaving for a wedding soon - I want to polish it up the best I can without being that OCD about it. I will in the future though.

I'm still doing that editing, I'm just not breaking it down.

Chapter two is completely edited. Once again: Keeping your writing style and sentence structure. Keeping it to you.

And that's chapter three that's edited now too.

A lot of the growth in writing is going OCD on your own work again and again and again until you want to scream at it and rip its heart out and waste time reading the same words of dialogue ten times over because something just doesn't flow right. Always remember that. That's how we grow.

I'm interested to see how this continues :twilightsmile:

This is going well do far. I'll be giving this a thumbs up and favoriting. Looking forward to future chapters. :pinkiesmile:

3 Chapters in 1 day!? lol... it is 5k words, and I got that same amount done last night in 4hours... but I must say, im glad you got this story out! Im liking it, and im looking forward to future chapters. My tip to you, don't post all your chapters right away, try to keep some in reserve to update later when you don't feel like writing. I usually tend to keep 1 or 2 chapters in reserve, but sometimes that doesn't help out enough. Alas, do as you want, but this is a good beginning, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Mm. Pray, continue?

Three chapters in a single day? Indeed, you are, as you said, on a roll. I shall be following this story.

Good story so far... it's good could be better, but I can't think of a contructive crtisim, you know nothing bad but nothing good ethier. keep posting it keeps the boredom away:rainbowwild:.

“Celestia...can I stay with you tonight?”

Ho, what is this?

3288189

Blast. You beat me to first comment! Sneaky equine.

awsome chapter.:pinkiesmile::heart::pinkiecrazy::twilightsmile::yay:

A tad rushed if I do say so myself... I mean, unless I missed a time skip somewhere then they're spending the night together on the first night they know each other. Other than that, very nice.

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