• Member Since 25th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 19th, 2016

D0CT0RWHOOVES


Just your average MLP fan making their return to the fandom.

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After long consideration, Sunset Shimmer decides to return to Equestria to make amends. Everypony is very skeptical about this but Celestia decides on a test of sorts to see if she truly is sorry. She has to live with Twilight and Spike for 1 year, at the end of that year her fate will be decided by Twilight and Spike.

A HUGE shoutout to Love at Sundown by trahzo. That fic gave me the idea of writing a Spike x Sunset fic.

Chapters (20)
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Comments ( 393 )

i think it is good

Comment posted by D0CT0RWHOOVES deleted Aug 28th, 2013

3120770 Thank you, i very much appreciate the feedback :twilightsmile:

3120780 Your welcome and i can't wait to see more chapters for this story when they come out

3120785 I hope to do at least one a day, That may change once school starts but i shall try for at least a chapter a day

need more of the rest of the story:eeyup:

3120789. I started school last week.

3120945 yeah, like say Twilight said that she thought Sunset Shimmer hadn't changed but Spike says she has, does that clear it up?

Good, but seems a little rushed. I also noticed a few spots that were either missing a single letter from the word, or entire words from points that needed them. Grammar in some spots too, and Sunset seemed a little more level headed then I would have imagined her to be. She was headed to a place that could have her arrested, tried for treason, and possibly put to death. I would assume that she would at least be on the verge of extreme nervousness if not in full blown hysterics.

3120950 I mean you wrote down 'tie' where it should said 'lie.'

3121479 i would agree on the rushed part but as for Sunset's attitude for this whole thing, that is just how i thought it would happen, she had a long time to think about what might happen. but thank for your opinion, it means a lot!

3121613 i am, unsure why that is, i'm not saying your wrong but could you explain why it would be like that?

This looks great, the only issues were a couple of minor spelling errors and I think the pace was a little fast. But other than that I see this to be a great fic and I hope you update soon.

3121687 thank very much for the feedback it really means a lot as i want to improve. I also agree that it is a bit rushed but I have a hard time with starting something so i have a tendency to get that out of the way as possible, also i really couldn't think of a way to slow down. But really thank you and I hope you like the next chapter when it's done!

3121261 Thanks man it's great to know people like this.Thank you very much for the feedback! :twilightsmile:

The only thing I have to say about this is: I can't wait to see more! :derpytongue2:

3121842 Thanks a ton man, you have no clue how wonderful that makes me feel!

3121844 Your welcome, I really enjoy this story. :pinkiehappy:

I can't and won't give you a proper comment until I have read more. I have high hopes for this story so please don't give me a reason to regret my choice.

I am sorry but this story has a lot of grammar and spelling issues. First paragraph: "sense" should be "since". "I" is always capitalized (I saw "i" quite a few times). And review the "show don't tell" section in the writers guide on FimFiction. In fact, if you read that over again in it's entirety it would help you immensely. I could only get about half-way through before quitting because of the issues with the grammar and the prose. You should definitely consider getting a good proofreader (I recommend going to the Proofreader Group and asking one of them for help).

Otherwise, your story concept isn't bad. Just the execution is... lacking... :pinkiesad2:

My God... it finally happened... Spike and Sunset. Is there no one this drake can be paired with??? That being said I liked it :pinkiehappy:

Well besides the spelling errors, missing punctuation and oddly worded lines you have a very interesting story line. I would suggest doing spell checks in whatever writing program you use or find a proof reader

You need an editor or a pre-reader, I was actually looking forward to reading this story until I started seeing mistake after mistake. Please, I want to enjoy this story, but in its current state I simply can't.

3122463 thank you very much for your feedback, and i shall try not to disappoint

3123057 Yeah i agree i do think i am in need of a proofreader or such and i shall try to go about getting one. thank you very much for your feedback

3122567 Thank you for recommending me to read "show versus tell" i really do think that can help me later on. I will do my best to try and make this story more enjoyable. Thank you for the feedback!

3122716 Nope, this little dragon is just got all the mares :pinkiehappy:

3123696 That right there made my day

3123729 really guys, how about a compromise of son/sun ?

3123735 that's a terrible idea

I like this story, but I will admit that it needs some clean-up. There is great lack of commas, periods and capitalized "I"s. There are some other parts where I can be more specific. Such as:

She hoped to apologize to Twilight Sparkle , for she had stolen her crown and forced her on a journey like no other.She truly felt horrible for everything and wanted nothing more than to apologize and be aloud to stay in Equestria.

There shouldn't be between the words, "Twilight Sparkle" and the comma to follow. Also, the word you're looking for is "allowed", not "aloud".

She decided to teleport into the dinning hall as it was evening when she left the human world and there times were the same so she expected her to be there. She concentrated on her destination and in a moment was gone.

That word should be "dining" instead of "dinning", and I'm pretty sure the word should be "their" and not "there".

"Hey what are you doing let me at her!?" Rainbow yelled

I think a better way to have this sentence would be:"Hey, what are you doing!? Let me at her!" Rainbow yelled.

"Fer once ah agree with Rarity, she can't be trusted, not atall" Applejack added.

There should be a space between "at" and "all".

"I agree with Spike, Though I also agree with Applejack, we can not be so quick to trust her, but i do believe she deserves a chance to show us she means no harm."

The word "though" shouldn't be capitalized, but the "I" should. Lastly, its somewhat unclear who is speaking this sentence, though it is most likely Celestia. I do like this story idea. I hope to see more and I hope to see you improve.

3123956 Thank you very much for catching my silly mistakes i will go fix it at once, but as for applejack saying atall it was an attempt at the accent.

Comment posted by D0CT0RWHOOVES deleted Aug 29th, 2013

3123963 if you happen to catch any more mistakes in the up coming chapters I would be more than happy to fix them

3123809 It is son you American fuck

3124036 I think he meant sun as a joke because it was Celestia, could be wrong

3124115 My knowledge of all has already told me that

This chapter is out together much better than the previous one, but there are still some minor things.

Sunset just nodded as a response as she knew what a Pinkie promise was and the Consequences of breaking one.

"Consequences" shouldn't be capitalized.

Again sunset nodded but she also remembered something from the human world. She remembered that Rarity had a boyfriend, some guy by the name of Thunderlane or something. She had never really cared but now she thought that maybe the same thing was true on this side of the portal. She decided she would tell Twilight to see if she knows, or they can figure that out then. Sunset didn't want Spike hating her for crushing his dreams especially on her first day in Equestria.

Sunset's name should be capitalized and there probably should be a comma between "cared" and "but".

"Hey Twilight can I tell you something in private?" Sunset asked with nervousness in her voice.

I'd put a comma between "Twilight" and "can".

"Okay so what did you need to tell me Sunset?" Twilight asked.

I'd add a comma after "Okay".

"hehehe, I know I'm just teasing, but no I have no clue about that, I will have to ask her sometime after we get back to Ponyville. You’re right though, I would rather tell him than figure it out on his own, it would hurt less, thanks." Twilight responded.

And the first H in Twilight laugh should be capitalized. You're writing really improved in this chapter and I hope to see more.

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