Culture Crystallized by VelvetHeart
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"It is an honor and a pleasure to host your presence and the presences of your herd, your majesty," Perfect Pearl announced through the plush hotel carpeting she'd pressed her face to. Quickly rising, but keeping her head slightly dipped to keep her eyes beneath the royal chin, the glittering mare quickly ran her gaze through the eclectic group. "Do not worry, we have the royal herd-suite fully-prepared and ready for your arrival. Your baggage has already been moved there."
"Ehm..." The newly-crowned princess Twilight Sparkle felt her cheeks flush slightly, "...actually, they're not all in my herd."
Perfect Pearl's eye twitched visibly, "...They are not?" Her gaze swept through the group again, landing first on Rainbow Dash' toned flanks before turning to Lero. "I fear I was misinformed, but do not worry; We will prepare a second herd-room for your Storm Mistress ally and her herd, and we have kennels for your pet."
"Rainbow Dash, Lyra and Lero here are, actually, my herd. The others in the group are all single."
"Well, in that case, please let the maid guide you to the royal chambers. We have lesser, single accommodations for your--"
"Friends, and they mean the world to me."
It seemed Pretty Pearl's cheek was steadily acquiring a rather impressive variety of tics, "Of course. How could I have possibly expected it would be ea-otherwise. Let us consider some crystal berry tea before showing you your rooms. Which we have ready. Absolutely ready. Don't worry, every single need our noble guests have will be properly addressed. You will not find my hotel lacking."
Pinkie Pie giggled as she watched the hotel's owner frantically gesturing to her staff when she thought they weren't watching.
* * *
Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity walked through the warmly-lit crystalline corridor, glowing orbs and numbered doors alternating in a steady parade down both walls. "Number sixteen, number seventeen, ah, this one's mine."
"Good, mine is just a little further. Come along Pinkie Pie, yours is further still."
The shy pegasus smiled and sighed, fishing out her key to click open the lock. The door creaked open-
"Oh, oh dear! Sorry, there must've been a mistake! I didn't know this room was occupied!" Blushing heavily, Fluttershy quickly backed out of the room, and closed the door, glancing to the doors on either side of hers to check if she got the right number. "Rarity? Rarity?" she called over to her unicorn friend, running the short distance to stand by the unicorn's side just as said unicorn closed her own door. "Rarity, did your room... did your room have a stallion laying on your bed too? One who was... ehm... you know..." Fluttershy's face was steadily going from yellow to pink and progressing towards red.
"Why, yes dear. I must admit, this hotel manages to make a mint on the pillow seem rather stingy, considering the erect crystal stallion on mine." She opened the door again, and walked right in, shamelessly running an appraising eye along the stallion's glittering length, "It would be ungracious not to make use of our host's generous services, now would it?"
"No, Rarity! Look, he's crying~"
"Oh! Oh no. I... I hadn't even considered that. The crystal empire is from a thousand years ago, they probably never even heard of stallion equality before, and... Wait, did Pinkie Pie find her room yet?"
A loud 'Bang!' echoed down the corridors, sending the two mares into a frantic run to Pinkie's room, where the door had been blown clear off. Confetti lay everywhere like the debris of a fragmentation bomb. "Hey, hello Rarity, hello Fluttershy! Come and join me in celebrating mister North Spire's 'You're Not Getting Raped Today' party!"
* * *
"Now, remember what I showed you." Princess Cadance' expression was stern as she pointed a hoof at the table, neat cups steaming with fresh tea while her stallion Shining Armor sat at one end. She turned to one of the waiting mares, and nodded.
The mare walked up to the table, and smiled. "Hello mister. We'll be having tea together today."
Shining Armor hmmphed out loud, "With you? No, I'm tired of tea. I'll have some coffee."
The stallion wasn't sure what happened next, but one moment he was in his chair, the next he was on the floor, clutching his testicles and trying not to throw up. For some reason his wife was smacking the mare around the snout with a rolled-up newspaper.
Huh, I never considered the Crystal Empire has 1000 years to catch up. Awkward!
I'm.. not quite sure what to make of this. It feels like a snippet of a much longer chapter. My interest was piqued by the end, but it just stopped.
I think it does need a bit more exploration, yeah. This version of the Crystal Empire has some Serious Issues to work out, and it's a liiitle bit of a mood whiplash to go from the concept of institutionalized rape to crotch-shots and newspaper snout-whackings.
It also raises some very interesting questions about Sombra, the unicorn stallion who conquered the Crystal Empire. Might he have been doing it out of reaction to his own oppression? How will that factor into Stallion's Lib now? In the original Xenophilia Twilight mentions that Celestia comes down "hard" on anypony who tries to bring back the bad old ways, so this might be a pretty big deal for Equestria/Empire relations.
Heh. Could get tangled up in real-world politics considering that this is a gender rights issue in a country that's hosting the Equestrian version of the Olympics.
Did Shining was kicked in the balls because he declained to drink tea? Ok I know that they are 1k years late but he is a Prince....or at least a "property" of Cadence. You don't smack someone elses stuff!
Kinda disturbing humor, if you ask me
Well, this certainly warrants further building upon
3828429
So, Sombra the Freedom Fighter who just let the power and dark magic go to his head when he finally won? Or maybe he made a "deal with the devil" to win and it all went south from there?
3828371
QFT. I'd love to see a little more.
Errr... I didn't understood the meaning of the last scene. What was that?
3828769
Part of Cadance's continuing efforts to force a thousand years of cultural progress into the minds of her subjects.
3829017
Who kicked Shining's nuts? Cadie or somepony else? (Shining Nuts, hmm...)
3829169
It was the mare that Cadance was trying to teach equality to that nailed him one.
And, damn, I freaking love dark humour.
3829326
She went awfully easy on her for that.
3828614
Well, I don't remember seeing any stallions in chains so maybe it was humiliation to teach them a lesson. Celestia and Luna just didn't bother asking questions before sealing him up.
3828533
I'm kinda worried that she added 'today'
3828429
Sombra will be their Martin Luthor King Jr.
3829674
3828614 Reminds me of Obesik from Star Trek Online.
"If I must resort to barbarism to free my people, then so be it."
3829326
She kicked Shining's _nuts_ and have just a newspaper to the face?! WTF?! Was Cadence wanted to do the same and that's because she's so soft to that mare?
3832029
It's a comedy chapter. Ya' know?
Cadence was trying to train a group of mares of the Crystal Empire about how to treat stallions properly. (Like those training sessions with a experienced trainer and multiple dogs/owners) The mare (dog) was naughty, so Cadence (the trainer) whopped the naughty mare (dog) around the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
3832386
"Bad mare! Naughty! You don't go hurting stallions just because they're acting up. Especially not my stallion!"
3832386
Humor must be logical to be really funny. In Divided Rainbow there was chapters where Lero lectured Fluttershy about humor - read that chapter, it's really useful for understanding the core of good humor.
This nicely parodies some of the more... extreme aspects of the Leroverse's gender politics.
3832537
Humor must have an internal logic and then twist down an unexpected path, otherwise it's not funny. If someone can't follow the sudden twist, they won't find it funny.
The last section is, indeed, themed to be like training a dog, with an exaggerated response from the 'bad dog' and some slapstick.
I guess you missed that.
3832537
I take it you're not a fan of Monty Python? They didn't become one of the most famous comedy troupes ever by sticking to logic.
What I want to know is how well will they get the Crystal Empire up to speed?
3832595
3836630
So, dudes, you suggest that nut-striking is funny? Ok, next time I beat my wife's tits I'll laugh. And next time I see kitten squished by car I'll laugh too. Satisfied now?
3837302
You don't have to find it funny. I switched from funny to a little too serious to funny again, so I may have introduced a bit too much mood whiplash, but... Wow, someone can't tell the difference between stories and reality. Calm down and have yourself a listen:
There, now you can laugh about dead kittens.
As for nut-striking - well, most common denominator. After all, pretty much the whole first world finds it funny, at least funny enough to sit through 'America's Funniest Home Videos' despite it's low quality.
It's weird to have such different customs but the exact same language. Any language would change immensely in 1000 years; some, like Old French and Old Portuguese, are barely understandable to modern speakers, and Old English is not even recognizable.
3837320
Stories ARE real inside themselves. For Shining Armor it's reality, despite for us Shining Armor do not exist.
And I can't sit through "America's Funniest Home Videos" and turn TV off or switch channel when it or something like it appears on the screen.
3837302
... Yes? It's called Slapstick, and it's been been a part of comedy for hundreds of years.
And don't try that 'logic' of comparing two completely different situations to draw an emotional response. It doesn't work.
If you don't like it, that's fine. But please don't go on a moral crusade about it.
3837431
Cutie Mark Crusaders Moral Crusaders, yay!
3837448
Of course, in-universe it's not funny, but no-one in-universe is laughing. The point is that we, outside of said universe, laugh.
3837450
Are you heartless? Why no empathy to poor stallion? You never received nut-strike? There's nothing funny in it, just pure breath-taking PAIN.
3837457 To be fair, most groin-shots that make it on AFHV are not intentional, part of why they are funny.
When the nut-shot is deliberate it's far less funny.
In this case I didn't find Shiny getting nut-shotted funny; Candece's reaction to it was funny.
3838113 Yup intentional not funny well actually that depends if it had malice behind it like this mare did to him yeah its not funny but of course if someone did it for pure comedy or a friend yeah thats funny as hell but to nutshot someone purely to be a bitch? Nope not funny. Damn the inequality its just horrible hopefully the crystal empire knows how much equestria as a whole as advanced past those problems, (mostly)
3844875 There's also the fact that, ya know, he did nothing to deserve getting smacked in the balls for. **Takes rolled up newspaper, smacks the mare** Bad mare, bad! Bad!
3845171 Yup just getting hit in the nuts for having an opinion.
*joins in and smacks the mare with a rolled up newspaper*
xD
3845233 New sport! Smack a mare! Grab a newspaper everyone!
3846699 Don't be sexist you'd be no better then her.
3847040 Ha ha.
Unfortunately, Celestia outlawed the sport of Stallion Smacking.
3849131 Who said I was talking to a stallion
Im sure griffons and minotaurs dont have the male rights problems so I dont think you do either.
3849155 ...
**Smacks Genesis with a rolled up newspaper** Quiet you!
3849181 Ah! AH! I give!
My nose!
*smacks him back* Newspaper fight!
3850111 I WILL NEVER SURRENDER! **Smacks her back with a newspaper**
...
...
...
: Just as planned.
3850797
That's one helluva dark, awkward party, Pinkie.
This chapter was way too short. This kind of subject demands further elaboration.
Shining is supposed to be a trained guard. The fact that he was so easily taken down by a maid really does make stallions seem weaker than mares
9759842
Super late response to your comment, but I think is was more that of all the reactions Shining expected when he was mildly rude to a sexist mare (during what I assume was a lesson on how not to be sexist), getting hit in the nuts immediately and without warning was probably not something he thought would be a possibility.