80: The Natural Music of Ponies by Goat Licker.
The Natural Music of Ponies by Goat Licker.
**************************
Lero, while enjoying the company of Rainbow Dash and Lyra, was finishing up a slice of pecan pie out in the lovely bright clear day that's Ponyville in perpetuity, when Apple Bloom came up to him and said,
“’scuze me Mister Lero, but, do you ever fart?”
Lero slowly lowered his bite of pie to the plate. He eyed Lyra and Dash for help, but they seemed completely unconcerned with Apple Bloom’s question.
“Um, why do you ask that?”
“Well, because I never heard you fart before. Big Macintosh and Applejack said they never heard you fart neither. You got something wrong with ya?”
“Mister Lero farts, but his are quiet. See how thick his flanks are?” Lyra jabbed Lero in his right butt cheek, causing him to squirm away. “It’s like a muffler, and it makes them come out silent. That’s why you don’t hear them.”
“Ohh!” Apple Bloom said. “That make sense. Well, I’m just glad there ain’t nothing wrong with ya, Mister Lero. Bye everypony!” Apple Bloom scampered back to the apple display to help her sister.
Lero sighed. “Quick thinking, Lyra. I’m assuming she wouldn’t understand that I hold them in.”
Dash gave him a questioning look. “Dude, why do you hold them in? You’re the only one that does that.”
“And I’ll keep being the only one that does,” Lero said. “Everypony here just lets them rip.”
“Well, sure,” Lyra said. “Farting is a vital part of our society. They're magic farts, Lero; the gas has magical properties that help calm ponies. That's why our crime rates are so low. It's why we're peaceful - well, for a given definition of peaceful." Indeed, nopony held in their farts. Walking through the Ponyville bazaar was like listening to a poorly-tuned trombone symphony at a chubby chaser bar.
"Well, mine aren't magical, so there's no need for me to fart."
"Are you afraid of embarrassing us? That will never happen." Lyra pointed at Dash. “Me and Dash fart all the time.”
“I’m farting right now,” Dash said. She was.
“Twilight farts as well.”
“Ha!” Dash said. “Twilight’s a machine!”
“Is this some kind of cultural taboo where you’re from?”
“It is,” Lero said. “It’s considered rude.”
Dash laughed. “Sorry Lero, but your culture is so weird.”
Lyra gave a gentle smile. “I know there’s a lot to get used to. But, does our constant farting offend you, or weird you out? Does it make you uncomfortable?”
Uncomfortable, Lero thought.
Princess Celestia.
Dash’s farts were like a trumpet sounding Reveille in the morning, a rich brassy blast. Twilight’s were a flute twill, soft and high pitched. Lyra’s farts were, almost impossibly, a harp glissando.
Farts were why he performed his masseur duties as little as possible, massaging only when he felt he owed favors, or when he needed the money. Relaxed ponies farted constantly. The worst culprit was Rarity, whose staccato timpani beats just wouldn’t stop. However, he could put up with all of that.
But Princess Celestia...
Princess Celestia was surrounded and preceded by the rich sonorous organ tones of her entrails. Bach couldn’t play chords as sophisticated as that. They shook Lero’s fillings, and he couldn’t stand it.
He still remembered the worst incident.
...
“Twilight Sparkle? Rainbow Dash? Whatever is the matter?”
“Princess,” Twilight said, “He’s terrified. I’ve never seen him this frightened, and neither has Rainbow.”
How the hell can they not be hearing this, Lero thought. Those earth shattering blasts Celestia’s letting out, rattling my bones... I can’t even move!
He could barely hear them talking over him. I’m going insane, he thought. Impossibly fast devil’s chords, louder than life. Music that shouldn’t exist in nature. No longer think. Go insane.
“I promise you, I will not harm you. You are completely safe.”
“Nothing, I swear, I’m quite alright, Lady”, Lero said, thinking, I’m going to die. My organs are turning to mush. Why can’t I just get out, why can’t I just leave? I’m in Hell. That’s the only ex- Did she say something? “I... I don’t know, Lady.”
And then, suddenly, the music had stopped. Celestia’s sick, mad symphony of evil farts had ended.
His brain rebooted. Wait, she thought it was her hair?
A firm resolve came over Lero as he concocted a plan to save face. No one must ever know.
...
“No, I’m not uncomfortable at all!” Lero said, bright and sunny in an attempt to cover his sick laugh of desperation. “I just need to get used to it, that’s all.”
“Good,” Lyra said. “And then maybe, one day, you could fart with us.”
Never going to happen, Lero thought.
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6471869 Whoops. I wrapped the whole block in spoiler tags but that didn't work. Had to do it line-by-line.
errrm. Ok then. the one shots seem to have plummeted in quality recently.
Someone light a match.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppp!
6471930 Do you want a world destroyed by fire? ...because that's how you get fire! XD
6471921
I think you accidentally typed "plummeted" instead of raised (which you obviously meant) because this is the greatest oneshot ever.
6472227
Shit, forgot to sign in as my alt.
Farts by Celestia are felt rather than heard or smelled? Methinks I'd rather feel than smell too.
6471921 Perhaps you are confusing "Xenophilia: Further Tales" with "Xenophilia: One Shots"? XFT has a broad ranging story told in vignettes. XOS is where all the "cannot unread" bits go. This is pretty much the epitome of XOS awesome insanity right here.
and here we have the true cause for the unseen wind that blows her mane
Consarn it, Goat.
I was chuckling all through the story at the idea of ponies just...doing that, when I hit the line describing Celestia.
I almost fell out of my seat I was laughing so hard.
6473255
I lifted that line straight from William Faulkner's The Hamlet, were he described a horse. It's actually what gave me the idea for this story, so I guess everyone can blame Faulkner for this.
The ROYAL CANTERLOT TRUMPET BLAST from the Royal Plot...
6473455 Lero's herd:
Princess Celestia:
I just could not resist
Still makes me nope the fuck out