66: Zeno-filia - ever closer, never quite there by GroaningGreyAgony
Zeno-filia - ever closer, never quite there - a parody by GroaningGreyAgony
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Leroy, the human who months ago had been ripped from his home world and hurled into Equestria by a group of easily bored shoggoths, lay snuggled in his bed between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, his herdmates and lovers.
Sleeping with ponies had its disadvantages. The vigorous bedtime activities usually made the mares gassy, and once Dash started to shift her tail in her sleep Leroy knew what was coming. Dash had a habit while sleeping of snuggling tightly against Leroy while releasing a sonorous blast that sent a column of hot moist fetid air rolling down his legs, and no sooner would he shift away in disgust than Twilight's bookending rump would quiver as she delivered a steamy thunderous echo—her gas was warmer than Dash's by some consistent ratio, which Leroy estimated as about five to four.
It went on after that like a game of ping-pong, emphasis on the pong. Leroy wondered if their butts were talking to each other while they slept, and what the topic of conversation might be. Did Twilight's butt discourse on the proper ratios of methyls to produce the most penetrating stench? And as for Dash's butt... he wasn't sure how it managed to italicize a fart, but it sure was able to do it.
Still, they were his herdmates, and he loved them. A tear rolled down his cheek, and not entirely from reaction to the odor. Leroy gently eased himself out from between them, and got up to take a shower and wash his legs.
As the hot water coursed over his body, Leroy reflected on how good his life was since he'd been brought to Equestria. It was a good thing that his human family was so readily forgettable, but it was also especially fortunate that ninety percent of the male pony population had died out in ancient times from a horrible plague that left its victims screaming for the release of death as hideous sores covered their bodies and spasms racked their bones, and the Lamarckian nature of magical equine evolution had kept the sex ratios at that state ever after. The surplus of mares had left Leroy with an easy playing field, once he'd gotten used to the idea of crotchtits and the odor of hayfarts.
It was strange... the stallions were so powerless in this society, but they could still apparently get away with being as rude as they liked to any mare. Even accounting for this, Leroy had no very convincing way to explain why two of the realm's mightiest and most famous heroines had utterly failed to score any serious tail for themselves until he had come along. Someone must be watching out for him. He reached up to offer the invisible Author a brohoof...
Much to his astonishment, his fist contacted an actual hoof that suddenly thrust in through the shower window. Leroy was hauled outside to stand naked and dripping water before a group of stallions, foremost among them Big Macintosh, who had pulled him forth. None of the assembled stallions looked entirely comfortable.
"Uh, Leroy, we gotta have a talk with ya," drawled Big Mac.
Leroy, surrounded by naked stallions and conscious of how outclassed he was in regards to size, quickly grabbed a lacy curtain from the window and tied a crude loincloth from it. "Uhm... Sure. What's up, guys?"
"Ey-welll..." said Big Mac, rolling his eyes skyward and scratching the back of his mane, "'T'ain't no easy way to say it, but we gotta tell you that... Well, folks across Equestria have been hearin' about ya shackin' up with a third'a' the Elements and Lyra, and there's been a lotta talk that ain't been so good for the rest'a us—from Manehattan ta Fallabella, they're all wonderin' what kinda stallions we are if we can't keep up with no, uh, little bitty monkey, meanin' no offense..."
"Big Mac, let's get to the point," said Thunderlane. "Remember, we all agreed to this. Leroy, there's this special ceremony we perform sometimes where we oil a fellow up and shower him with gold dust as a sign of our esteem and admiration... And, uhm..."
"Wait," said Leroy. "You want to gild me?"
"Ah hah hah! Yes, that's just it. We wanna gild you. If you'll just come with us, we've got all the gilding equipment set up in a remote field out by the Everfree..."
"Sounds like fun!" said Leroy. "Just let me put some pants on first. It's cold enough to freeze your balls off out here, if you know what I mean..."
"Uh..." said Thunderlane. "...Right."
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... I'm starting to wonder if maybe the loss of group alerts might not be such a bad thing.
Lol looks someone's done their research or has experience with real horses >:) though it's gelding not gilding and it's lero (short for bellerophon) not leroy . and not sure why lero would be happy being castrated
I thought the Xenophilia group had standards.
4277484 The author knows all that, the errors are intentional
and, in my opinion, hysterical!
4277484
It takes a special kind of dumb to not realise that the mistakes are intentional and that this is a parody.
4277637 meh, it didn't make me laugh.
4277687
It's an AU from the normal timeline, with a less sympathetic character.
I think it's hilarious, but should be left a one-shot.
Well, this drove me halfway to madness. I suspect if I were to read it again, the same thing would happen each time, half of my remaining sanity lost to this... this. And yet, though I would approach complete insensibility, I would never reach it...
4277535 We do. But even buses with the highest of standards will one day be dragged through the ghettos and slums,
uh... what? What just... happened?
This isnt good or funny. Im not even sure why this was added.
Meh. Made me chuckle, but that's it.
Parody or not, when half the darn thing's a fart-joke, we're not talking about a very high bar of quality.
The bit about the lone freak nabbing two major heroines and a major hotty on the side without seemingly any problems or blow-back was rather bulls-eye, though.
4277484 Because for what ever reason someone felt the need to post this pile of crap here. Even though its already on the site in another fic. Shotglass Oneshots used to have some standards but now apparently they post any old Shite as long as it is vaguely related to Xenophilia.
He raises some valid damn points, in my opinion ...
I walked into this hopeful and thinking it would be worth reading. Disappointment. That's a few minutes of my life I will never get back.
i.imgur.com/janwRHh.jpg
What is with stories in this group and the uprising of fart and poop jokes? School's not out right now..
4278631 And here I was hoping for a decent parody. I'm really surprised to see it actually as a chapter, mentioned in the author note or something, yes but this? If not the rest of the really gooood chapters I would be temped to give a thumb down on this story. One bad chapter, though, can't force me to something like that.
4279388
Yeah, there's potential to be funny here, if it was executed better, but it... really, really wasn't. and even then, it'd not be to everyone's taste.
4279500 Sometimes stupid can be funny, this wasn't just like you said ;]
This chapter is actually encouraging, in the sense of "damn, even I can do better than that."
what
4279653
I can clearly see all the ingredients for a joke there. But it's as if the author threw all them into a plastic bowl without unwrapping them, tossed the resulting assembly into an oven, and cooked it at 5000 degrees for 2 minutes. The resulting mess is unrecognizable, unappetizing, and quite possibly toxic.
4280192
please do, I'd like something to wash the taste of this out of my brain.
Hmph. I thought it was funny.
4281799 Then this chapter wasn't completly catastrophe. At least some people are pleased with it ^^
Is it possible to downvote single chapters?
4284947 It should be.
If it helps, you can just downvote this comment by way of hurling virtual tomatoes. By all means, don't blame QuietMan, but give discredit where it's due.
My thanks to all those who liked it, or who at least were not offended by such a trivial and ephemeral bagatelle. To everyone else, I regret that my horsewords were not to your liking. You are entitled to a full refund.
Sometimes, it's nice to mock the things we like and poke all the little holes we can.
gild.. no no no no no, i meant geld. We're going to geld you.
New headcanon: Rainbow Dash and Twilight are both oblivious harem comedy protagonists. Off-screen, a dozen romantic rivals have moved nearby, and keep trying to separate Lero from his herd. Neither of the girls notice, while Lyra's too busy being amused to do anything.
4296120 nooooooooooooo
That's the fault of the show, not Anonauthor. We never see stallions (or mares or whatever) hitting on the mane six in any of the episodes of the TV series. They aren't mobbed in Ponyville, they can go to Appoloosa and the denizens there go about their business, the Canterlot natives hold their noses up at them (except when Rarity makes friends with Fancy Pants), etc. etc. Really, Twilight doesn't get fans or hangers-on until she became a Princess - the ponies in Trade Ya mobbed her, not her heroine friends, who, in Rainbow Dash's case, were given hard bargains with no consideration to her 'mightiest and most famous heroine in the land' status.
Dangit, the title used up a good pun and then went nowhere with it.
Beano before they'll beano gas after.
Lets hope Lero never finds out about his alternate reality self, the gelded human known as Leroy...
LOL not his fault nopony approached him before he got there. morons without any balls. is what they are. xD