• Published 15th May 2013
  • 9,486 Views, 1,556 Comments

Xenophilia: Shotglass Oneshots - TheQuietMan



Ficlets, short shots, one-offs and random tales from the Xenophilia universe.

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45: Getting Applefaced by SpinelStride

Getting Applefaced by SpinelStride

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"ANOTHER!" chorused the Royal Canterlot Voice from both sides of Lero. His eardrums might never be the same. A golden goblet and a silver goblet at the same moment met the fate of each being crushed by an alicorn's telekinetic powers. Into perfect little models of the sun and the moon, respectively. Even drunk, Celestia and Luna had style.

"BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!"

Also impressive lung capacity. They'd broken out the single finest vintage in Equestria to celebrate Luna's recovery from the Blank Plague. Sweet Apple Acres Zap Apple Cider. From the very first crop Sweet Apple Acres ever produced, aging in oak barrels beneath Canterlot for that entire time. Lero had taken one shot and understood just why an entire town had grown up around Zap Apples. He'd had two more to further his understanding since, and he was feeling a pleasant buzz. That was strong stuff.

Celestia and Luna, on the other hand, were on their fourth goblet each. Their first goblet had been treated decorously, toasting each other and the ponies of the Court. The second goblet had been more cheerful. The third and fourth goblets were handled by the ancient General Burn-Your-City-Around-Your-Flanks-If-You-Don't-Surrender-Now and the always-competitive Air Marshal Drop-A-Meteor-Shower-Down-Your-Throat. At least they were just verbally competing.

Lero hoped like hell they were just verbally competing. He really did not want to believe that Princess Celestia, as a unicorn, had already had enough power to vaporize a city with a solar flare, or that a pegasus Princess Luna had been able to fly into orbit and drop things from there.

That didn't mean he didn't believe it. Just that he didn't want to.

"What have we here?" a drunken Luna boomed, turning to regard Lero. "A human! Well met, warrior! Thou hast travelled far from thine own lands! Thou... Thou..." She burst out into laughter and wrapped both forelegs and both wings around him. "Lero! Lero! We did not recognize you! Thou hadst four of thou and all were most elusive! Thou art a mortal of untapped depths!"

"Untapped depth! Untapped depth!" Celestia burst out laughing and pounded on the table in front of her. She'd already left a large number of deep dents in the thick wood from prior outbursts. "Is... isn't it our untapped depths we should be dealing with?"

Luna guffawed right in Lero's ear. He felt drunker just from her breath. "H... how about it, le... le.... human? Al... ali... alic... Princesslers do not go into heat, and it... it's been... a really long time since we had a good ride! Sh... shtupid politics..."

Lero's face was red. And then his eyes went wide as he felt hooves hugging around him from the other side. One hoof was wandering very low. "That sounds like a gloriously terrible idea!" Celestia gleefully agreed. "'Tis a great honor, human warrior! None have ever had the... the joy of being our twilight, caught between the night and day..."

There was an incredibly humiliated little purple puddle on a chair on Celestia's other side.

"Th... there was that one time," Luna reminded her sister. "Do not forget that one time!"

Celestia giggled wildly in Lero's ear. "Hushush, sister! Starswirl said that never happened, and your tower is still standing so it cannot have!"

Two shots had left Applejack facedown on the banquet table, snoring her head off. Rarity had gone down after a ladylike one. Fluttershy had passed out sniffing hers. Rainbow Dash was on her second goblet and watching the two Princesses with wide eyes and holy buck her wings hurt so much this was so bucking hot her stallion was getting Celestia and Luna into bed and if Rainbow Dash could unbend enough for Twilight then no way was she going to sit out doing it with the Princesses. She thought about asking if they could invite the Wonderbolts, too, but she'd forgotten how to speak somewhere in that first goblet anyway.

Spike had his second cask to himself and was happily dunking donuts in it. He'd been to a few banquets Twilight had preferred to skip, and he was pretty sure Celestia and Luna were going to be falling backwards off their chairs right about...

THUNK

... then.

He snorted. "Lightweights."

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