Xenophilia: Shotglass Oneshots

by TheQuietMan

68: Lost tales by ?

Author's Note:

Way way waaaaay back, before it came to FimFiction, Xenophilia was originally posted on some other site which has since been eaten up by the great... whatever it is that eats websites when they die. Anyway, Goat Licker was reminiscing about the good old days - when the kids didn't crap on his lawn and the world was still in black and white - and managed to track down a bunch of old ficlets from Xenophilia's early from the bowels of the internet. Don't ask me how he got them, I just know it's done with magic... and maybe weasels. Anyhoo, here they are. We have no idea who originally wrote them (except for the one Goat Licker himself wrote) so if anyone does know then please let us know so we can blame...err, I mean credit them.

Lost Tales by ?

*********************

Rainbow Dash looked into Lero's eyes, as she made her thoughts clear regarding sharing him with other mares.

"...I was actually thinking earlier about setting you up with Lyra and maybe Pinkie..."

Lero's left eye twitched as a memory flooded back to him, washing away his grip on the world around him.

--a few days earlier--

Lero walked into Sugarcube Corner, a normally busy little bakery but was suprisingly empty today. He had come to help Pinkie with some baking, but maybe she wouldn't need his help after all?

Suddenly, but not suprisingly, Pinkie seemingly appeared from nowhere, a cupcake perched on her head.

"Hiya, Lero-Shero-Jero! Buisness is kinda slow, so here's a cupcake!"

For most, that would be a wierd jump in logic, but it was normal for Pinkie. Lero happily accepted the treat from the pink party pony.

...Lero awoke a few hours later, at home in his bed. His head hurt, his fingers were sticky, and his pants were on backwards. He never again allowed himself to be alone with Pinkie Pie.

---present---

Lero looked Rainbow in the eye, trying to transmit all the 'no' in his soul directly into hers with one look. Rainbow chuckled nervously.

"Uh, but if pegasi are your thing..."

Applejack hauled the last of the day's harvest of apples into the barn as her mind wandered. Rarity trying to convince her to buy a new hat, Fluttershy helping out with Daisy after she got that summer cold, and to Rainbow Dash... and Mr. Handy.

Ugh, she thought to herself, he was trouble on two legs. Not that he was a bad guy, mind you. He was a nice, honest, hardworking boy. But he seemed to have put strange thoughts in Rainbow's head.

There's nothing wrong with being friends with another species, but a... romantic relationship is too much, y'know? It just wasn't proper!

Nothing would come of it, no matter how dependable or trustworthy or gentle- NOPE!

Applejack shook her head, and looked for a place to shove the apples so she could go inside and get ready for dinner. But her thoughts wandered.

It's not that she didn't like him. She did... she really did... but he was a different species! Even if he was rather handsome in an exotic kind of- NOPE!

With that smooth looking skin- NOPE!!

And those fingers- NOPENOPENOPE!!!

Applejack stomped her hooves in frustration, willing the strange creature from somewhere else to leave her thoughts.

Finally with a defeated sigh, the cowpony pulled her hat down over her face and grumbled to herself in the privacy of her old busted barn.

"Stupid, sexy human..."

Rarity closed up shop, humming softly to herself as she troted upstairs. Within her room, she threw herself onto her bed and sighed loudly.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash! You have found such strange love! A creature from another world and a pony who has always felt unloved in this world, it's something right out of a novel! ...One of those trashy novels with a sex scene every other paragraph, but a lovely novel none-the-less!"

Rolling onto her back, Rarity heaved another over-the-top sigh.

"After hearing about all those interesting things 'hyoomins' can do, I find myself... curious. Oh, but I CANNOT!"

Rarity whips her head to the side, covering her eyes with one foreleg while waving the other.

"I will be Canterlot elite one day, and someone of my social standing cavorting with such an unusual creature would just ruin my reputation! Only losers and wierdos date other species."

Rarity sighs for a third time, though this sigh is more natural, tucking her forelegs to her chest as her horn lights up and a small box levitates out from under her bed.

"I shall never know your exotic touch, Lero! Or learn of kinky Hyoomin mating habits! Or recieve a 'morning present' from you! I suppose I'll just have to settle..."

Rarity opens the box and grins at the contents.

"... with these pictures I take everytime you think you're alone in the changing room."

Rainbow lay on the hospital bed, sweat on her face as she cried out in pain.

"Push, push!"

A final effort, and a relief comes to the pegasus pony.

"Ah, there we go- OH BRIGHT CELESTIA!"

The creature he holds looks up at it's mother with it's too small eyes on it's hairless pony face, tiny hands where wings should be. It smiles with sharp teeth.

"Blargh, I'm an abomination!"

"AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Rainbow shoots up in bed, drenched in a cold sweat, trembling. Lero stirs beside her.

"Rainbow? What's wrong?"

"I'm getting my tubes tied tomorrow. It's the only way to be sure!"

Fluttershy walked through the center of town with a determined look in her eyes. A look nopony could see, since she had her face tilted at the ground and hid behind her mane, but it was a determined look nonetheless!

For quite a while now, she had wanted to ask out Lero, but her lack of confidence had kept her silent. But, Rainbow Dash had managed to form a relationship with him, and that meant she had a shot!

Now, all she had to do was ask.

...simple...

Okay, maybe she wasn't as cool as Rainbow Dash, or athletic, or talkative, or confident...

Also, Rainbow Dash had big, strong wings and Fluttershy's were like twigs with feathers glued on-NO!

Fluttershy shook her head, clearing her head of these doubts that had plauged her so much through her life. But not today!

There he was, sitting at a table outside a resturaunt and talking with Rarity and Twilight, with Rainbow Dash at his side. Fluttershy felt her heart swell at the sight of her friend so happy, and a longing for that happiness for herself, imagining herself in Rainbow's place.

As Fluttershy approached though, the couple turned to eachother and-GASP!

"K-kissing i-in publi-lic!"

And not a peck on the lips but a deep, passionate-was that a TOUNGE?! The sheer amount of blood rushing to her face left the poor, easily-embarassed pegasus lying unconcious in the middle of the street. At the table, Rarity shook her head.

"Honestly, Rainbow, can't you control yourself for a few minutes and NOT have your way with him in public?"

"No."

Lero had been hesitant about this date with Twilight Sparkle, but the evening had gone suprisingly well.

Now, inside the empty library (Spike having a sleepover at Applejack's), Lero tried to relax as Twilight sat next to him, although she was clearly very busy in her head, staring at her own forehooves. Finally, with a deep breath, Twilight turned to Lero.

"Um, I had a l-lovely time tonight."

Lero could see Twilight immediately regret her own words. Lero tried to not laugh at her akwardness. She was like a nerdy guy trying to get lucky with a girl he thought was out of his league... wait, that kinda was the situation, wasn't it?

"Look, Twilight, I had a really good time and I've really enjoyed your company, and I trust you completely there's no reason to be nervous or anything."

Twilight blinked, and a relieved but still somewhat nervous smile spread over her face. Suddenly, she leaned in for a kiss, and Lero accepted.

Their lips pressed together as her hooves reached up and pressed against his chest, then slid down his belly as her tounge brushed against his lips. Then she suddenly sprung back as if burnt.

"AmIgoingtofast?It'stoosoonfortoungisn'tit,I'msorryIshouldhaveaskedpermissionfirstandoh,Celestiamyhooveswerealloveryour,Ishouldhavecontrolledmyself,I'msorry!Areyousureyou'reokaywiththis?"

Lero took in the rapidfire appologies and excuses as he ran his fingers through his hair. This could take a while...

It had been a few weeks since Twilight's first date with Rainbow Dash and Lero. Now, some mares would try to get some... let's say 'action' by the second date. Twilight respected Lero too much to try anything that soon. The third date ending with a goodbye kiss she didn't mind. The fourth date... she was a bit dissapointed, but didn't say anything. The fifth, though, that's when she decided to have a talk with Rainbow Dash.

Sitting in Twilight's room, Rainbow laying with her legs tucked under her on the bed as Twilight paced, the pacing mare spoke.

"I knew he'd be a little... shy about physical intimacy, but I honestly thought he'd warm up to me by now."

"He likes you a lot Twilight, but he's still having some issues with the whole herd thing. He just needs to get over that and-"

"How long will that take?! I mean, I don't want to push him or pressure him but-I mean-I'm a mare, I have needs and we're together now, right?"

Rainbow chuckled at the purple unicorn's visible frustration.

"Calm down, egghead, and think. He likes you, he trusts you, all he needs now is a little push in the right direction."

"Push? I said I don-"

"I don't mean pressuring him, I mean- Okay, look, I have a plan."

Twilight gave Rainbow a look, a look that doesn't need to be described, because you know the look she was giving.

"Don't look at me like that! I can make plans! Anyway, it's a simple plan. I was digging through my old collection of horror movies, and we're gonna come over here to watch it."

"You are?"

"Yep! Then, I'm gonna make up some excuse about leaving my oven on or something at my house and leave you two alone. From there it'll be classic 'colt gets scared-mare comforts him-mare makes her move-bow-chikka-wow-wow!"

"Classy."

"And effective! ...from what I hear... Anyway, once you get started with him alone, he'll be way more open-minded. You just gotta break the ice!"

---that night---

Just as Rainbow had said, they'd arrived to watch the scary movie, then after hitting play she immeadiately made her excuse and left, leaving Twilight alone with Lero. He seemed a bit more tense now that Rainbow was gone, but hopefully she'd get past that tonight. He'd get scared, and she'd be there to protect him from... Zombie Ponies from Tartarus? What a goofy name! How was this going to scare anypony?

---after the movie---

Rainbow knocked at the door, wondering if she'd given Twilight enough time to make her move. She was suprised when nopony answered, leading to a smile forming on her face.

'Good for you, I knew you had it in you Twilight! Hee-hee! Maybe I should take a peek!"

Rainbow quietly opened the door and crept inside. What she found... wasn't what she'd hoped to find.

Twilight, teeth-chattering and looking like she'd seen a ghost, was clutching Lero's arm for dear life while the human patted her head and tried to comfort her.

"It's okay, Twilight, it's just a movie."

Twilight made the single most pathetic squeak Rainbow had ever heard that hadn't come from Fluttershy and buried her head in Lero's chest. Rainbow shook her head, and quietly lost a little respect for Twilight.

At Twilight’s library, the six friends had met up to catch up on anything they’d missed of eachother’s lives during the busy past few weeks. It had started nice enough, but now an argument had started between Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Not an unusual occurrence, but the subject was a bit personal and could easily lead to hurt feelings.

“I’m just sayin’, sugarcube, maybe ya’ll should give real stallions another try.”

“And I’m saying you ought to rethink your words, cuz it sounds to me you just insulted Lero, who is my stallion.”

Applejack, if she felt intimidated by the angry mare before her, showed no outward sign of it.

“I’m not tryin’ to insult anypony. Anyhuman. Whatever. My point is ponies are supposed to, y’know, be with ponies. I’m not sayin’ ya shouldn’t be with Lero, just that you should try getting an actual stallion in yer group.”

“Well, I have no luck with the colts, and Twilight couldn’t flirt with a stallion if her life depended on it. Uh, no offense, Twilight.”

Twilight’s head hung slightly, a sigh escaping her lips.

“No, it’s fine, I only got into my last herd because one of the mares knew me. I never really learned how talk to stallions either.”

Fluttershy patted her on the back and gave her a look that said ‘I know your pain’. Both somehow sighed simultaneously. Pinkie bounced over to the two, a look of confusion on her face.

“HUH?! Don’t know how to talk to stallions?! Silly filly, you just trot up to ‘em and say, ‘Hi! I just bought a new bed and need to break it in, wanna help?’”

Rainbow immediately forgot her anger as her jaw dropped, Applejack sputtered as she stared with disbelief at the pink party pony, Rarity took another sip of her tea(To hide her smile), Twilight froze with a far off stare as if her brain had seized up, and Fluttershy fainted as it seemed the best idea at the time.

Twilight somehow regained her mental faculties enough to speak and ask the obvious question.

“Does… does that ever actually work?”

Pinkie’s goofy grin quickly shifted to a sly smile.

“You’d be surprised! But mostly you just get restraining orders. Or a hoof to the face, if one of their marefriends is standing next to them.”

Comments

[FM]

er, is all the text supposed to be white-boxed?

[Flink]

4741817 I think every box is a one-shot. They just go well together.

[Pvt PartyPooper]

I did like the glimpse into simpler times

[Vates Despero]

And those fingers- NOPENOPENOPE!!!

... move that first 'N' to the end...

And those fingers- OPENOPENOPEN!!!

Your legs.

[Hypastpist]

wow pinkie just wow

[Goat Licker]

I don't mind the fertilizer, but I'll have you know things were sepia-toned back in my day.

[Aru]

Nice. And Pinks I think wasn't serious there....it was a brilliant tactic to stop AJ and RD from jumping at each other throats.

[Aunoraux]

Story 68-A was hilarious!
(Pinkie, you drugging/raping minx, you!)

Story 68-B...

Story 68-C:
Rarity, the voyeur.

Story 68-D:
That's entirely unnecessary Rainbow.
Besides, I think you should worry more about something like this, Dashie:

Story 68-E:
Meh.

Story 68-F:
Welcome to life.

Story 68-G:
You put a pony in a room with a human and start up a scary movie, and you didn't expect this outcome (regardless of genders)?
Rainbow, you really haven't learned much about the blood soaked history of the human race, have you?

Story 68-H:
Eh, might be worth a shot, Pinkie.
But, what type of bed should I get?

[Nightmare Wolf]

"I'm getting my tubes tied tomorrow (FROM ORBIT!). It's the only way to be sure!"