• Member Since 11th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Firecaller


Young(ish), free and most definitely single. (Thank you for your time and effort, but no thank you.) Live south UK and work evening shifts, something which plays havoc with my writing.

T

She was a unicorn on the run. Being hunted, her only option was to hide where they wouldn't think to look. Once over the border she'd hide in the most quiet, boring, unassuming town she could find in Equestria. Her information was out of date but how much could Ponyville have changed?

Once there all she'd have to do is keep her head down and not draw attention to herself. Certainly stay away from any adventure or authority figures, top of which being the Princesses. She'd shuddered to think what would happen if they found out who she really was. Still, what were the chances that she'd be dragged into an adventure or meeting any princesses while in Ponyville.

Thank you to 'Greynoise' and 'Starlight Nova' for editing and pre-reading respectively.

Having re-read the FAQ rules, now rated for Teenage-Gore.

100% Approved by Twilight's Library!

***WARNING*** Spoilers in comments

No idea who did cover art, let me know and I'll credit you.

Chapters (50)
Comments ( 1087 )

MOOOOORRREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm, there are a few grammatical errors, but those look like autocorrect flubs. Other than that, this is shaping up to be a great story!

Gah! I wish every chapter could have its own individual like button for me to press, because I would have pressed it five more times!

That being said, well done. I can't wait to see how this pans out.

Yes! *ahem*

I mean, that was certainly surprising... And in all the right ways. Discord, plot points and the Best line i have read all month.
"Friends don't let pegasus fly drunk"
It really should be my personal motto... If I had a pegasus friend... And if I drank...

Each chapter gets better and better. I love it, and keep up the good work (since you will anyways)!

Okay, just came across your story. I can see why most folks would ignore it, but I think you've done a good job with it so far. At the very least I can put it on my reading list. I do so want to see what happens when she meets Twilight...
:pinkiegasp:

Whoa. Didn't expect that. Although this does explain a lot. :)

good cover, no body suspects the traveling massage therapist

Which reminds me, though i'm pretty sure already: this is the point where Twilight has become an Alicorn, yes?

2708728

Yes, Twilight is an Alicorn at this point. :raritywink:

Cool little update. :pinkiehappy:
I notice you're still getting positive reviews when folks actually read you story, good job there. I think this is certainly a good way to get friends and positive attention. The ice queen is nice to hang out with during a heat wave.

Right then.

First thing's first. Is English your first language? I ask this because while your story DOES have an excessive amount of effort put into it, and the quality shows, I find at many points you're misspelling simple words, using the wrong forms of words, or even using similar words. It looks like you used google translate, but then went over it to try and make sure it said what you wanted to. I notice a bunch of other grammar errors, too, and your formatting could use a little work. You might want to consider a prereader.

That being said, though,

You've got a lot of storytelling talent and quite a creative mind. This story's entertaining and interesting, and you actually make us give a fuck about the character. You've got a lot of promise, and I think, with some polish, you could churn out some truly great stuff.

Good luck! :pinkiehappy:

holy shit, well planned back story! bravo good sir:moustache:

This is, without question, my most favorite fanfic on this site. Bravo.

Hello, I'm your WRITE reviewer, I'll be going through this story, Denuo Fortuna, calling attention to the things I liked, the things I didn't, and some generalities I'd like to call attention to (positive and negative alike)

So far I've read up to chapter four

Firstly, let me say that this is quite the interesting little story. There's a very unique feel to it, and it starts like a proper crime/thriller mystery. So many writers, particularily those just starting in writing feel compelled to bombard the reader early on with copious and unncesscary exposition. What makes Denuo Fortuna stand out like it does is that you do the opposite - things happen and there's no narrative telling us, the readers, the larger picture of why.

It's quite a good way to start a story, actually, because it hooks the reader (as it's hooked me) with excitement and intrigue, with the subtleties of the events, characters and reasonings that lead into these beginnings are still to be discovered and explored over the course of the story.

The prologue sets quite the tone - a filly made to murder as part of a convention put in place by some power yet unrevealed, one only named and alluded to.

Fast forward a couple of years, and that innocent filly has developed into something more dangerous, enough to have a bounty and armoured escort after capture, and to be infamous to some degree. Not once do you go "this is the country of X, it is violent and likely corrupt, governed by a oligarchy or some such selfinterested overseeing body," but just the observations of the characters and events suggests as much.

There's plenty of strengths about this story to go rooting through. For instance, I quite liked the situation and exchange with the barmaid.
What began as a mention of a character and the potential for pretty direct and uncomplicated revenge became something more natural; a mare doing what she would do and have to to make a living, and likewise we get neither the selfless hero nor the cruel desperado out of the protgaonist when demanding the apology, but something inbetween.

I find this very agreeable.

Now, most stories involving the addition of a OC to Ponyville would do so right off the get-go, but the chapters that come before that do a good job of really setting a tone and characterization for the mare to become 'Sunbeam.' From the violence, to the immorality and flesh-searing crystals, it's clear we're dealing with something quite apart, grittier and more sanguine than the likes of Ponyville we're used to seeing (and shall see as we read further on).

On an aside: I adored the fact that Dash is a Wonderbolt Trainee now, and that she's been relegated out of town and into the fields. Without ever once having to make the narrative spell it out for us, that shows a dynamic, liberal use of the characters, something far too few fics are brave enough or thoughtful enough to try. It shows us that yes, things happen and things change, and life moves onwards. Makes me want to see what else is different and what else is the same.

If I were to boil down my sentiments to the smallest possible forms, they'd be said as this: The aspects of the story that are creative, the characters, the events and objects, the way things happen: these are all inspired, and make Denuo Fortuna unique and impressive.

The aspects of the story that are technical, the use of words and formatting, grammar, how dialogue is presented as well as character thought, the sudden interjection of narrative becoming omniscient for characters other than the protagonist...these things make the story haphazard to read. There were a couple of times I mistook dialogue for thought and vice versa, and had to go back over things. There is very little use of imagery or wordplay to set the finer points of scene and characterization into the imagination, and overall gives this story a unrefined feeling, like a great big fat ruby that's yet to be carved and polished.

As 2725894 has said, there's a very unusual way you use and misuse words, which puts me in mind, as it did Barata, of this being a translation, or at least having been subjected to some rather odd automated spellchecks.

My first and foremost recommendation would be to find yourself an editor/prereader, someone who will help you smooth out how the story your telling is presented word to word and sentence to sentence.

Otherwise, I want to read this, which is a great feeling. Now, this review is largely preliminary and general, and only goes so far as the end of chapter four. I'll be back when my schedule allows to continue forwards with reading and try for additional, more indepth reviews at such time.

Hey dude, I was talking with Ambion in the skype chat earlier about your fic, and I've decided to offer you my services as a prereader, if you'll have me.

This is a great fic, and with some help on the technical matters, I think it could turn into a fantastic one. If you'll have me, I offer that help.

Cheers!

This chapter is certainly useful for readers, as far as story development goes, but it feels more like a history lesson then a scary campfire story. Just saying,

Apart from that, I love this story and i can't wait to see what happens when Twilight returns to town. Your work is severely underrated and you deserve a lot more attention. And it's because I see Sunbeam as a very compelling character and the story feels fresh and exciting. Keep up the good work.

To avoid confusion, thoughts go in ' those and speech goes in " those.

Took my advice? How 'bout fixing up those others chapters while you're at it.
Not tryin' to sound rude, more like forceful help

:pinkiecrazy: O poor sunbeam, ponyville isn't the peaceful little town you thought it was, is it! :pinkiecrazy:

2872140

In Progress :raritywink:

Plan is to go through each chapter and sort out other issues as well.

She was found out that easy?! I though she would be able to sense magic (which everypony has), and thus pretty much have a 'life sensor', and could easily found ponies(changling) spying on her.

2916941

You overestimate her abilities dear sir. If looking, she might have seen him, but she was a tad 'distracted' at that point. However, such abilities should be regarded as 'active' instead of 'passive', always on, abilities.

Besides, who says that fellow snakes haven't learnt to hide from such abilities. :raritywink:

pretty good chapter, didn't spot any mistake (or maybe I just wasn't look at enough)

Despite your reservations it was still another good chapter :twilightsmile:

Great effort for an unedited chapter!

I sure hope you get some more recognition for this story, its a good'un

Well, thank you for comments. That chapter was starting to drive me up the wall, so it became 'damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead'... and post that bucker.

After four rewrites, (two being entire) and numerous changes, my quality control team and retired to the bar to do terminal damage to a bottle of Jack and were not intent on coming back any time soon. I almost joined them.

A very interesting story so far.

As several reviewers have pointed out already, the story, in broad strokes at least, is very interesting and well constructed, but the technical details could use some work throughout. Nevertheless, I look forward to where you will be going with this concept.

This is a good story and you should feel good. Thanks for writing!

Did you put up chapter 15 then take it down? I'm confused, I swear I saw it up....:applejackconfused:

3050705

Yes I did, I was still editing it. Darn publish button being next to edit button...:facehoof:

And the plot becomes ever more serious. Also less well written. I sent you a PM with editing notes.

They found you. Better run for your life, chilly little Sunbeam.

Also, I didn't get a favorites notification that this had updated, I had to see it in that comment-scrolly-thing where blog and update notifications pop up.

Okay, I have to level with you. I don't watch the show, and was pointed in this fic's direction by a friend of mine, but I had to join the site just to tell you how awesome this is (which I admittedly forgot I that I even joined, over a week ago).

3052037

Well thank you kind sir, you honor me. :twilightblush:

I will try and keep up the good work

cliffhangers...
So much going on, so exciting, I just hope you'd release the next chapter earlier.

“Oh yes, Day Princesses, she...” - princesses in the plural instead of singular. And missing an 'a' between 'by' and 'golden' just before that. Only ones I noticed, but I tore through this chapter pretty quickly :twilightsmile: another great one too! Awesome work, please feel free to continue. :)

Mentioned in the authors notes on such a wicked cool story? Yes yes yes (a la Twilight)! This story is really developing well; I think a spell in the featured box would be pretty well deserved now :twilightsmile:

3185610

You're welcome. Suggestions reference improving technical side are welcome.

As for appearing in featured box, may I quote Sunbeams thoughts in chapter 1: 'She would freely admit she was biased on the subject.':rainbowlaugh:

Okay, I must be a monster, too, since I couldn't stop myself from laughing at the diamond dogs horrible misfortunes. This might be partly because I pictured Ice fa- err sunbeam in solid snake's position, in whichever metal gear he was advised not to kill in, while enjoying the kills too much...

Yeah, TMI, sorry.

I did notice a few mistakes, but got really sidetracked with the story, and couldn't remember where the others were, except for one.

It was the line Celestia demand

"demand" should be "demanded".

Also love the contrast to how sunbeam's group was, and how the princesses acted with each other. Hard to believe that someone... I mean somepony that could be relaxed with a tickle/pillow fight, would've been responsible for founding such a group, even by mistake.

~Princesses~

Oh right, one of the other mistakes, near the beginning.
Celestia delicately levitated her cup of tea. “Day Princesses.”
Should be princess...
Sadly this made me picture a "three Darell's" moment, that both made me laugh, and made me feel old.
"I'm Celestia, this is my sister Celestia, and this is my other sister, Celestia."

Yeah, sorry for the long post, and old joke, I'll leave, now. :twilightsheepish:

Oh, and if I can re-read this again, I'll look for anything else for you, if you want, but just a fair warning, I'm not exactly "proof-reader" level with my grammar. My school kinda sucked, back when I was in it.

And great work, BTW. :pinkiehappy:

3192500

Thank you for the corrections (done now,) and your comments.:twilightsmile:

All eyes help, reference proof reading. I've definitely had a few 'did I really do that!' moments on previous chapters.:facehoof:

3194336
I'm just glad I can help with this story. And don't too much worry about the mistakes too much, as so many who are extra hard on others, tend to have their own proofreaders.

Now for the corrections:
---
"Have you worked out my schedule for the next month ready"
As the sentence is, the "ready" is unneeded.

"Brining a hoof to her face Celestia sighed"
Should be "Bringing". I also think there should be a comma between face, and Celestia, but don't put too much faith in that.

"In a soothing voice as possible Grey Wings asked "
This should be either "In as soothing a voice as possible Grey Wing asked", or "In a soothing voice, Grey Wing asked". I'm thinking the first would fit better.

"The emphasis she placed on that one word gave Sunbeam an idea of far that went"
There should be a "how", between of and far.

"An grin formed on her face."
Should be "A grin".

"Can’t tell tell is purple one is unicorn or pegasus."
This should be "Can't tell if".

"as they all considered Rarity choice of words."
This probably should be Rarity's.
---

Now these next few, I wouldn't put too much stock in. I'm still questioning whether I should even post 'em or not, since I'm that unsure of how to fix them. Ever had a proofreader, who needed a proofreader, before?
---
"Neither knew how long they had been like it when a gentle knock on the door by a steward reminded Celestia that breakfast was now being served."
Maybe "like that" could fit better than "like it"? This might be a preference thing, that I'm mistaking for a grammar thing. Since I'm not sure on it, you can disregard this if you want.

"What if find out you were with me."
This is missing something, between if, and find. From the way it's worded, it seems like she would be saying "what if he were to find out". I don't know if this sounds too unnaturally formal for someone like Twilight, or not, so maybe someone who knows the character better would be able to help? (Rarity might pull it off, from what I do know)
Maybe "what if he found out" would be better? I honestly have no clue. :unsuresweetie:

"A lavender aurora levitated her off the ground"
I think it could be aura, but I'm not too sure on that...
Considering where I put this, that last bit might be redundant.
---
And I couldn't tell if there were any more, as I got sucked back into the story, again, but at the parts I did remind myself to check, I didn't see any more. I hope this isn't overwhelming, as I really like what you're doing...
To be honest, I only noticed the prior two, and the "Brining" one, (which I forgot) when I first read it.

Edit: I forgot words, on something this small.

3200397

Corrections made.
More than I hoped. :raritycry:
Not as many as I expected. :raritywink:

Its back! Yes! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!

Thank you so much for writing this. This was maybe the fourth or third story I ever read in this fandom, and the fact that it is still going strong is absolutely wonderful!

3237103

You're welcome and thank you. :twilightblush:

As I said, would have / should have published earlier, but been playing The Secret World... you know, the whole shooting zombies thing, kinda distracting.:twilightoops: So blame my friend for any distress caused by its late publishing. :raritywink:

Good chapter. Although, the whole Blueblood fiasco was really out of the blue:applejackconfused:.

3260191

Sometimes, things do just come out of the blue. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. :raritywink:

The beginning of this chapter didn't seem to flow very well from the previous one. I thought I'd missed something at the end of the last chapter when I started this one, and suddenly bam, Rainbow Dash outta nowhere. I'm not entirely sure how you'd fix this, (because I'm not sure where you're going with it) but a bit more setting wouldn't hurt. Maybe more than one sentence at the beginning. Something like 'The weather was bright and sunny, and Spitfire was trying to focus on the new (C/c)adet's test flight.' to tie it into both the setting before and the 'Unfortunately' after? Just my four halfpennies.

Also, the use of big text in the antepenultimate section stands out a lot more than you probably intended. A less obtrusive effect could be obtained with bolt, or even italicized text. As it is, it's just obnoxious. Also, for yelling, exclamation points work fine.

Anyway, nice chapter, and I am still very much interested in where you're going with this.

3305230

First off, thank you. If no-one points these things out I'm going to think it's okay to do them.

Comments duly noted and (hopefully) corrected. Added a paragraph to the beginning to link the current and previous chapter. Reference the text sizes, I was in two-minds when I did it. I guess the classical way is the best way after all.

Note to self: If you think you're being clever - stop, think carefully, and then don't do it!

Anything else you spot please do let me know, as most mistakes are made trying to correct mistakes.

Login or register to comment