//------------------------------// // Chapter 38 - We Don't Remember Days, We Remember Moments // Story: Denuo Fortuna // by Firecaller //------------------------------// Chapter 38 - We Don’t Remember Days, We Remember Moments Twilight looked at the sun, hanging low in the sky, before looking around her. The grassy mountain plateau was bathed in a golden glow from the setting sun. On two sides the mountains rose above her, with the highest peaks disappearing into the clouds. The other two sides were lower, giving her a clear view of the sunset and foothills below. All the others were stood looking expectantly at her, with Sunbeam looking on from the wagon nearby. She took a breath. “If we look again over…” Applejack's ears drooped as the others groaned. “Sugar! We need to call it a day. We need to start setting up camp before it gets dark. Twilight shook her head. “No no no! Wheat-thorn must be around here. There is still some light left, we could still find…” Rarity trotted up and put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Twilight darling, we are not going to accomplish anything more today. We’ve been searching all over this Celestia-forsaken, excuse my Prench, mountain-side from sunrise to sunset now. We need to rest.” Rainbow looked at the sky. “Yeah. I think it’s gonna get windy tonight. We should make camp, while we can.” Twilight looked around at her friends pleadingly. “But ponies are counting on us. I’ve run the figures, if they use the machines they use on us they can keep everypony alive... to begin with. Everypony would still be alive by the time we get back... if we set off now. Any later and they would have had to start… start…” She looked down. “They would have to start reducing the numbers they treated. They'd have to start letting ponies…” She stuttered into silence. "Please, we have to set off tonight! Tomorrow is too late..." Rarity shook her head. “Twilight, I’m so sorry, but we do need to rest. If we carried on looking, tired, in the dark, on a mountain… how long before somepony makes a mistake from sheer exhaustion? How long before somepony gets badly hurt? How long would that delay us? I’m sorry Twilight, but sometimes you just can’t save everypony.” Dropping her head, the princess let out a sob. “B-but...” Suddenly looking up, she pointed a hoof at Sunbeam. “You! You said these were the right conditions for Wheat-thorn to grow.” She took a step towards her. “We wasted time looking for it here when we could have been looking for it elsewhere. You...” Sunbeam cringed back in the wagon as Twilight took another step towards her. Grabbing Twilight’s shoulder, Applejack pulled her around to face her. “Calm down Twi! Just because something can grow in a place, doesn’t mean that it does. It’s not her fault.” Twilight blinked several times at Applejack before her her ears fell. “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry everypony… I’m so sorry Sunbeam.” Sitting down, she put her head into her hooves. “I’ve never failed like this before. Never had ponies... because I… I... failed.” Applejack hugged Twilight as she began to sob. "Shh sugar.” Twilight buried her face in Applejack’s shoulder. “I - I knew the timetable would have little margin for error AJ. I - I knew getting here, finding it and getting back in time would be tough. B-but I had backup plans.” She let out another sob. “I was going to teleport the wheat-thorn back when we found it. Failing that, Rainbow could fly enough back to keep them going until we got back with the bulk.” Twilight wrapped her hooves around Applejack. “B-but my plans have all failed. I can’t use my magic... and Rainbow is grounded. I’ve let them down. I failed! All those ponies that they are going to have their treatment stopped... I’ve failed them! Ponies are going to die now whatever happens… I failed them.” Sunbeam watched as the rest of the girls moved in and started hugging Twilight. She tilted her head in puzzlement. It took her a second to work the feeling out. Part of her wanted to go hug Twilight as well. * * * They'd set up camp inside an abandoned sheep pen they’d found at one end of the plateau. It was a simple pen, just a circular wall made of flat stones piled on top of each other without mortar. While Applejack had seen its type before, it had only been in a book about old farming techniques. She was glad to note that the wall, enclosing an area a little larger the ground floor of the library, had been built just high enough for a sitting pony to comfortably shelter from the wind. Something she doubted was accidental in it's design. There was no indication to who, or even why, it had been built all the way up here, but with the amount of moss growing over the wall Applejack judged it had been standing here for a long time. It was also clear to her that it had been abandoned for a fair portion of that; a part of the wall had fallen on one side of the entrance, spilling it’s stones in all directions and happening long enough ago for grass to have started growing over those stones. The wagon had been carefully parked in the widened entrance to help serve as a windbreak, but a gap still remained letting in the odd gust of wind. Despite that, Applejack had managed to get the fire going just as the last of the light in the sky had faded, but even so, she'd only fully relaxed only once she seen the fire take hold of the main fuel. With the cloud cover keeping the moon hidden she knew it was going to be a very dark, very windy and very cold night. Applejack turned and frowned at the entrance as the fire flared in a gust of wind. The fire would keep the inside of the pen lit and warm, but the entrance was just an ominous black gap in the comforting surrounding wall, a gap that would let the wind in. A gap that would let anything in. Looking at the others, she noticed that she wasn't the only pony giving the open entrance uncomfortable looks. As Applejack settled down, she could hear the wind begin to howl and rumble in another part of the mountain range, promising that the wind they had now was only a mild precursor to what was to come. * * * The girls now sat against the lee-side wall of the pen, sheltering from the wind as much as possible with blankets wrapped around them as the temperature started to drop. The wind was swirling and every so often a gust would come into the pen and make the fire flare. Even wrapped in blankets, they were all trying to keep close enough to the campfire to feel the warmth but keep far enough away to be safe from the flare-ups. Only Pinkie, who was cooking supper, was standing right next to the fire. As she cooked, every now-and-again she’d suddenly shift position, and always just before a flare-up. No pony commented; everypony was too tired and too hungry to care. Twilight herself hadn’t said much after agreeing to make camp for the night, she’d just seated herself down and stared into the fire once it had got going. Fluttershy had seated herself next to Twilight and had put a wing around her, saying nothing, just being there for her, while Sunbeam had seated herself a little further along the wall from the rest, separating herself from them. Finishing her cooking, Pinkie carefully dished up supper in bowls and handed them out to everypony, keeping hers and Sunbeams to last. With a deliberate look at Sunbeam, she put her bowl down next to herself. Sunbeam slowly got up and walking a little unsteadily, approached the bowl. Reaching out for it, Pinkie grabbed her outstretched hoof with hers and looking Sunbeam in the eye, gave it a little tug towards her. Sunbeam looked at her and Pinkie smiled back. Giving her a tiny, hopeful, smile Sunbeam seated herself down next to Pinkie. Furtively, she glanced around the campfire at the others. None looked up from their bowls as they ate. Sunbeam dug into her supper hungrily. * * * The howling rumble of the wind had become louder and a lot closer. Rarity poured out the coffees in silence. Everypony sat in a row, their backs against the curved wall, all looking at the fire. No pony had spoken much beyond a word or two since eating. It was Rainbow that finally broke the long silence. “Sunbeam, something’s been at the back of my mind for a while now… and I want to ask you about it.” “Your mind has a front as well then, sugar?” Applejack pulled the blanket a little tighter around her as another gust found it’s way in. “Haha AJ.” Rainbow looked back at Sunbeam. “No, I want to ask you a serious question.” Sunbeam shrugged. “As long as it’s not the one about ‘where foals come from’.” Rainbow smirked. “Funny you should say that. No, it's about something I heard back.. back there. Back there with those magical sapping nut-cases. One of them said something about you, about why... About why you were selected to be a… what was the term?” Sunbeam‘s expression soured, along with her tone. “Bastion.” “Yeah, that…” Fluttershy looked at her friend. “Umm Rainbow, I don’t think this is a good topic.” Rainbow plowed on, pretending not to hear Fluttershy. “...Physically pure. That’s what he said. Physically pure.” Rainbow tilted her head. “Why would they want a ‘bastion’ to have that of all things?” Only the sound of the wind and the fire could be heard as everypony turned to look at Sunbeam at the end of the row. Sunbeam looked up in thought. “Well, the first reason that comes to mind is... they were all just plain bucking nuts.” She looked over to Rainbow, who was still looking quizzically at her. Sunbeam sighed. “Okay, for real. I got the impression it was an ideological thing, officially. Personally, I think Adeptus was just a dirty old stallion at heart. I admit my opinion might be a little biased on his general character and intelligence, but the whole 'being turned into mind-dead zombie thing' might have that effect on a pony. No, the nasty part of me thinks that old...” She fought to suppress a smirk. "...‘Rock-for-brains’ got off on the idea of being surrounded by virgi...” Sunbeam went quiet, suddenly finding the coffee she was holding very interesting. Rainbow pointed a hoof at her. “But that’s just it, they selected you to be one. And ‘physically pure’ is… is...” Twilight chipped in. “Hard to misinterpret in its meaning?” Sunbeam threw Twilight a glare. Rainbow nodded. “Yeah… what Twi said. It can only really mean one thing. And if they selected you, that must mean that they thought you were...” She looked at Sunbeam, her eyes widening. “No way! You can’t be...” With a sigh, Sunbeam looked up into the night sky. “And if I am?” Fluttershy held a hoof up to her mouth. “Oh my! You’ve never… I would have thought that of you of all ponies would have…” She looked down, blushing. “I’ll be quiet now.” Rainbow pointed a hoof at Sunbeam. “Oh come on! You can’t be serious! I mean, not even once? Heck, even ‘little miss princess’ over there has once… in a library of all places.” Twilight made a strangled sound. “That was told in the strictest of confidences Rainbow! And, by the way, I know about your first time... little miss ‘let’s-both-dress-up-as-Wonderbolts’.” Rainbow coughed as the others all grinned, both at Rainbow’s embarrassment and seeing a bit of the old Twilight coming out. Pinkie wrapped a hoof around Sunbeam’s shoulders. “So, not even once. Are you blushing Sunny?” “I am not! I just can't believe that I’m only one here.” She turned a meaningful look on Fluttershy as the pegasus tried to hide behind her mane. The wind howled far away. “Fluttershy?” There was a tiny squeak from behind the mane and the tiniest shake of a head. “S-sorry Sunbeam.” Rainbow put a hoof on her shoulder, wearing a big grin. “Just you Sunny.” Sunbeam sank her face into her hooves as Twilight pulled the blanket around her a little tighter. “Please excuse me for saying this Sunbeam, but seem the last pony in Equestria to show any self-restraint in that sort of thing.” Twilight made a vague gesture with her hoof. “Err, I mean to say you seem more the type to enjoy lifting her tail…” Sunbeam looked up over her hooves at Twilight with raised eyebrows. Twilight fidgeted. “I mean, I thought you'd be more the type to pin a stallion down and force him to...” The eyes looking at Twilight narrowed. Rarity calmly took a sip of her coffee. “Twilight darling, the first step to getting out of the hole you’re in... is to stop digging.” Twilight blushed as she looked away, mumbling something incoherent. Rarity continued. “But I must agree with Twilight’s general premise darling, if not the wording. It does seem extremely unlikely that you, of all ponies, would have…” Rarity tapped her chin, searching for the words. “...Forgone such a pleasurable pastime, shall we say.” Sunbeam looked at her for a second before snorting and turning her head away. “Thank you all very much indeed! I manage to show some self-restraint in something and you all start freaking out about it.” “I’d hardly call it ‘freaking out’ darling, but…” Applejack slapped her leg, interrupting Rarity. “Well don’t that beat all partner. You are! You really are a...” Sunbeam’s head snapped round as she pointed a hoof at Applejack. “I dare you to finish that sentence AJ.” She slumped. “Look, I just don’t get that urge around stallions okay.” She looked down, the whisper lost in the wind. “I just can’t open up to them. One kinda ruined them all for me.” Sunbeam was silent for a moment before her head snapped back up, holding up a hoof. “But! One advantage I do get... is the free show.” She shook her head with a wide grin. “I get to watch, with quite some amusement I might add, every other mare’s mental capacity flat-line around…” Sunbeam made a gagging motion with a hoof. “...‘Hunky stallions’." She sighed. "Although, it’s kinda sad at the same time. I'm sorry if I seem a bit touchy about this, but it’s just that I’ve had these reactions so many times before that they’ve gotten waaay old and waaay tiresome. All just because I’ve never... You know.” Rarity tilted her head. “But all those jokes you tell, how could you possibly know…” Sunbeam rolled her eyes. “I was with a mercenary group Rarity. They did little else but talk and joke about ‘it’. In extreme detail I might add. Certainly enough for me to work out what was funny about the whole thing... and for me to gain a pretty clear understanding of the basic and, ahem, not so basic theories of the act.” Sunbeam looked at them with a puzzled look. “When did being tied down and forced to endure pain get to be fun?” She shrugged. “Anyway, whatever ponies want to get up to in their free time doesn’t bother me, just as long as they don’t try to drag me into it.” Pinkie tilted her head. “You don’t feel anything that way for Stallions then Sunny?” “Nope. Nor for mares before anypony asks. I do still get the odd symptom flaring up but I can deal with it…” She lifted a hoof and tapped her horn, smiling her little half-smile. “‘Ice Queen’ here.” Her expression turned solemn. “Back in Silver’s lot, for a while after I joined, I took it as a compliment to be called that. I mean, it made sense, after all, I was good with ice.” She rolled her shoulders. “Of course, I soon realized that they meant it as an insult...” Sunbeam looked up, her eyes sparkling. “I made sure to keep taking it as a compliment, always taking time to thank them for calling me it. Annoyed the Tartarus outta them.” Her smile returned. “And it soon stopped anyway. As soon as they noticed a link between somepony calling me it and their food always turning up cold.” She shook her head in amusement. “To top it all off, they had a betting pool going as to which pony was going to be the first one to bed me.” Her expression turned innocent. “For some reason it disbanded when I started inquiring who had the longest odds and if there was a maximum bet.” * * * As the night had progressed the wind had gotten stronger. The fire was flaring quite often now, both from the wind coming through the entrance and from the wind coming over the wall. With fresh coffees in their hooves and wrapped up tight in blankets, they all watched the fire as they made light conversation. It all stopped when the piercing howl rolled over them. This howl wasn’t from the wind, this howl was primal and animalistic, it spoke of bloodlust. Even Sunbeam’s hackles went up. Everypony turned to look at the oh-so-open entrance. No pony spoke for a while. Fluttershy looked back at the fire. “I think that was a long way away everypony. It just got carried on the wind.” She looked up and gave them a timid smile. “Living near the Everfree you do learn when you need to bar the doors.” Fluttershy looked back at the entrance. “The fire will keep most animals away anyway, so it would be best to keep it going. Umm, if you don’t mind that is.” Silently, Applejack got up and placed another log onto the fire. The conversation failed to restart as most gave the dark, open entrance, nervous looks. Sometimes a pony would look up at the top of the wall, trying hard not think about how low the wall actually was. Still looking at the entrance, Rarity spoke up. “When I get back… All I want to do is hug Sweetie Belle and never let go.” Applejack nodded, looking at the entrance as well. “I know where you're coming from sugar. I just want to get home to the sounds and smells of Sweet Apple Acres. To be back, to know that my family is there.” Pinkie smiled. “To bake off some muffins, to see ponies smile as they eat them.” Fluttershy smiled. “The look my animal friends give me when I get home. The way they rush up and greet me is always nice.” Twilight looked down at her cup. “To have Celestia hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay.” Fluttershy put her wing around Twilight again. Rainbow was silent for a moment. “To hold Scoots and listen to her squeal in joy as I take her on a not-quite death-defying flight.” She lifted a hoof and pointed it at the group. “And if you tell anypony that I’ll deny it.” They all smiled before turning to look at Sunbeam. “A hot shower, a soft bed, pizza…” She lifted a hoof up her part ear. “Okay… I really want to know just how I lost half an ear. Honestly, I can’t remember anything about it happening.” Rainbow snickered. Sunbeam looked away. ‘And to take -all- the Night Owls Slumber I have in my bedside drawer. To sleep without fear of dreaming… I’d like that, I’d like that soooo very much.’ * * * Sunbeam watched as they talked about adventures she hadn’t been on and ponies she didn’t know. The wind hadn’t gotten any worse, and there hadn’t been any more non-wind howls, but she did have a blanket around her now. She was finding the odd blast of wind to be distracting. Apparently, a mare called Trixie was a matter for hot debate. Sunbeam let her mind wander… “...Alicorn Amulet.” Sunbeam blinked, her ears perking up as she mentally re-joined the conversation. Twilight pointed a hoof at Rarity. “...All I’m saying is: Trixie may have been able to cast magic at high levels with the Alicorn Amulet, but not for any length of time. She always cast in short bursts... ” Sunbeam leaned forward. “Excuse me, Alicorn Amulet?” Twilight glanced at her. “Yes, an extremely powerful magical…” Twilight faltered as the intense look she was getting made her uncomfortable. “...Artifact.” Sunbeam’s look intensified. “So, an extremely powerful... amulet. With ‘Alicorn’ tagged on. Somepony could get the idea that the pony wearing it could cast magic at… extreme levels of power.” Pinkie nodded. “Yeppers. Gave Trixie a lot of power and made her go kinda meanie-nuts as well.” Sunbeam leaned back and rubbed her chin as the others continued talking. ‘Interesting. If it is one of our amulets, and it sounds like it is, the mere fact she could use it -at all- means it must be a multi-user amulet. Which makes it a very valuable pre-purge construct. Not one of the cheap, single user ones we have to make do with these days…’ She rolled her shoulders. ‘What -they- have to make do with these days.’ Sunbeam looked up. ‘Hummm, if this Trixie ‘went nuts’ using it, I reckon she didn’t calibrate it to her magic properly. Or at all, probably. Oh yeah, I reckon she just put it on and started using it... with no idea of how it should be used.” She shook her head. ‘I bet she demonstrated the classic symptom of improper use as well.’ Sunbeam leaned forward again. “Excuse me for asking, but this Trixie, when she was using the amulet, did it have any other effects? You know, like physical effects… extra limbs, sparks around her horn.” Sunbeam looked away. “Glowing eyes maybe? I just wonder what effect it had on her, having that much power going through her and all that.” Rainbow looked up. “Oh yeah her eyes totally glowed red at times.” Rarity shook her head. “And trust me darling, you wouldn’t want that much power going through you.” Rarity puffed her mane. “It has a nasty effect on complexion, for a start.” Sunbeam smiled and nodded to them. “Thank you for clearing that up. I just wondered..." She glanced at Applejack. "I just wondered." She pulled back. Twilight gave her an odd look before being distracted by a question from Fluttershy. ‘That’s it then, glowing eyes is -the- classic feedback sign. Means you’re trying to force way too much magic through it. I bet she was treating it like it was just an extension of her reserve. Huh, it doesn’t work well like that. I wonder… I wonder if I could get my hooves on it? I know I could calibrate it properly.’ She blinked before looking at Twilight. “I certainly hope that such a powerful object is kept under secure lock, key and magic now.” Twilight looked back at her and nodded. “Oh yes, you don’t need to worry about that. Princess Celestia herself has it locked away.” Sunbeam smiled. "That's good to know." Sunbeam kept smiling, even as her ears fell flat out to the sides. * * * No pony wanted to go to sleep and it was Applejack’s turn to refill the coffee mugs. She was shivering with the wind chill as she went along the line of ponies. Applejack seated herself back down and wrapped her blankets back around her as Rainbow lifted her head. “Sunbeam, can I ask you another question? The one I really meant to ask from earlier but I kinda… didn’t.” Sunbeam sighed as she looked up from her coffee. “As long as it’s not another one about my sex life.” Rainbow looked down into her coffee. “No, I…” Rainbow fidgeted. “I’m not sure how to ask this. In the Wonderbolts, they train us for… eventualities.” Rainbow swallowed. “But actually doing it…” Sunbeam nodded, suddenly understanding where Rainbow was going with this. The fire flared as a gust hit it. Rainbow’s laugh rang hollow to all ears. “But hey, I’m training to be in the military, I’ve taken that first step back at the chamber haven’t I? When I… that stallion... I mean, from now it all gets easier, doesn’t it? Does it get easier? They say the first one is the hardest, that it gets easier, so my next pony should be easier…” In shock, Twilight raised a hoof over her mouth. “Rainbow!” Jumping up, Pinkie rushed over and hugged Rainbow. “Please don’t say that Dashie.” Applejack just spluttered something incoherent, as Rarity tried not to choke on her coffee. Rainbow smiled wanly. “I’m in the Wonderbolts, at some point I may have to… again.” Fluttershy’s ears fell as she hugged Rainbow from the other side. “Rainbow, please, don’t say that..” “Yeah sugar, you…” “They lie.” The simple, flat, statement stopped the conversation dead. Everypony turned to look at Sunbeam as she stared down into her coffee. “They lie when they say it gets easier.” She waved a hoof dismissively without looking up. “Oh the act itself gets easy. Training, muscle memory, habit, call it what you will... that takes over. It becomes automatic. You don’t have to think about it. You don’t want to think about it. Thinking about it only slows you down. No, it’s the afterwards they don’t tell you about.” Sunbeam swirled her coffee. Not looking up as everypony stared at her. “To begin with, and it happens gradually so you may not notice it happening, but you will become callous.” A small smile formed. “An inappropriate sense of humor may develop... and soon enough, you’ll find yourself being able to laugh and joke about things that would have horrified you before.” The smile dropped. “Things that would still horrify normal ponies.” She looked over at Rainbow. “It’s not that you want to be that way, it’s that you have to be that way. It’s a coping mechanism you see. You can’t afford to let yourself care. You’d go crazy if you tried to.” She swallowed. “In the end, you end up seeing ponies as nothing more than objects. Bags…” Her voice got lower. “Bags, they become just walking bags of meat and bone. They’re not living things anymore. They’re nothing but moving bags of...” There was nothing but the sound of the howling wind and the flaring fire as Sunbeam sipped her coffee. “But as I said, it’s the ‘afterwards’, when you’ve got time to sit and think, that’s when it hits. That’s when you feel the hole opening up inside of you... A deep, dark hole that keeps trying to pull your thoughts into it. A deep-deep, dark-dark hole...“ She stared into her coffee for a moment before glancing up at Rainbow. “A place you really don’t want to find yourself. Trust me on this.” Sunbeam looked down and took another sip of her coffee. “A hobby, a pastime, something, anything else to focus on helps with that. Just as long as it keeps you busy and your thoughts away from that bucking hole. Heck, I knew a stallion back in Silver’s lot, about the size of Big Mac; he knitted.” She snorted in amusement. “Couldn't knit worth a damn, but he knitted. We all mocked what he made constantly.” She looked up with a stern look. “But we never mocked the knitting itself! No, the knitting itself was sacrosanct. We all understood.” Sunbeam lifted the mug up and took a swig before speaking again. “Personally; coffee, Jackie Dee and pizza are my choices of poison.” ‘And singing.’ She paused before looking up with a smile. “Seriously, you should all come round one night, I’m an awesome cook when it comes to pizza.” Sunbeam looked at her coffee with mild disdain. “I also make a great coffee, one that’ll keep a normal pony buzzed for a week.” She looked over at the girls, a small hopeful look on her face as she leaned forward. “You really all should come round sometime. After we get back, I’ll get some beers in, we could all...” She tailed off and looked down. Sunbeam took another swig of her coffee before staring into the fire. She was silent for a few seconds before looking over at Rainbow, her face blank again. “Anyway, back on topic. Even with all that… Even with every wall, every line of defence you throw up… despite all your best efforts, sometimes one gets through.” Sunbeam looked down. “It could be just a small detail, but that’s all it takes. You remember that detail… and the whole damn thing is stuck in your mind... forevermore.” Sunbeam switched her mug to the other hoof and lifted the now free hoof up to her eyes. “Mr Sable, the blood was so hot and sticky. I know it’s all in my mind, but I can still see the stain, sometimes.” She lowered the hoof. “The mare running from the burning caravan. I remember the damp earth smell mixed with the burning wood. And the puddles for some reason. The way she kept running on only two legs. That she was preg…” Sunbeam’s mouth slammed shut and looked away guiltily before continuing. “T-the one on the bridge, he looked so scared. Terrified. But he stood there, trying to buy time for his friends to escape. I remember the water turning red. That we gave him the honour of an actual grave.” She looked proudly at them. “I even helped dig that grave.” Sunbeam tilted her head. ‘Why are they looking at me like that for? It -was- a great honour for him for us to take the time and effort to do that.’ Sunbeam shrugged and carried on. “Of course, can’t forget the yellow one in the cave. The one I talked to but never learnt his name. The one that has taken to haunting me. Bastard.” She looked back down into the nearly empty mug. “The one in the corridor, the one wearing red glasses, I think she’s going to bother me.” Sunbeam was silent for a second. “She wore red glasses and was so engrossed in a report she never knew what killed her.” She looked back over at Rainbow and angrily jabbed a hoof at her. “All over a damn laundry report! How bucking stupid is that? She never looked up, not once, not even as I took aim. She just dropped like a sack of flour, never knowing what happened!” Sunbeam looked down, her voice quiet. “Do you know, that if they reduced the amount of detergent they use per wash by five percent, the net result in cleaning would be virtually identical, but they would save… save…” Sunbeam tapped her chin a couple of time before sighing. “Oh, I didn’t read that far did I?” Her shoulders slumped. “Horseapples, that's gonna bug me now.” ‘Don’t forget Greywing...’ Sunbeam flinched. * * * The girls watched as Sunbeam suddenly flinched, then slowly reach up with her free hoof to touch her horn. Lowering the hoof, she glared into her mug for a moment before downing the remaining coffee in one go. She looked up at them. “And Greywing of course. Can’t forget the one time I was actually trying to save a pony but… didn’t.” She rubbed her eyes with her free hoof. “It appears I’m not allowed to save ponies, it’s against the rules for me to actually save a pony...” Putting the empty mug down, she rubbed her face with both hooves. “I was trying…” Dragging her hooves down over her face, she took a deep breath in and inadvertently looked at the entrance of the pen. And into the darkness. The girls watched as Sunbeam tilted her head in a puzzlement as she stared into it. Her eyes suddenly widened, accompanied by a sharp intake of breath. Sunbeam’s ears folded themselves flat against her head as she whimpered. The fire continued to burn steadily, without flaring. She suddenly swung her head away from the entrance, closing her eyes as she pulled the blanket tight around her like it was a set of armour. “I’m cold.” * * * Sunbeam kept her eyes closed. ‘What’s wrong with me? Buck it, get your act together you stupid mare! You’re acting like a little foal. Letting your imagination run away with you like that... Get a grip! There’s nopony out there. There’s -nothing- out there. They are -not- all out there, surrounding the pen. They are -not- all looking at me, pointing at me, walking towards…’ Sunbeam let out a guttural snarl as slammed a hoof repeatedly in between her eyes. ‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up right now... you bucking stupid bitch!’ She could feel everypony silently looking at her, but it still took her a minute for her to regain enough composure to be able to open her eyes and look at them. She turned to Rainbow. Sunbeam rubbed her forehead where she’d been hitting it. “Self-reflection Rainbow. That can be your best friend or it could be your worst enemy. It all just depends on how strong you are. If you’re strong enough to stand what you see looking back at you, it’s a great friend. If you’re not...” Sunbeam looked away into the fire, her voice was filling with a mix of weariness and resignation. “...If you're not, it’ll tear you apart with a savagery that would put a pack of timberwolves to shame. It will show no mercy.” She pulled the blanket tighter around her, ignoring the horrified expressions she was getting as she looked fixedly into the fire. ‘I could really do with some Jackie Dee right now. A whole lot of Jackie… Enough so I can’t think clearly. Oh that would be nice.’ Her head dropped. ‘Enough so I don’t care. So I can’t care. Buck it! I hate knowing what’s wrong with...’ Sunbeam’s train of thought was completely derailed when Pinkie stepped in and hugged her tightly from the side. * * * Pinkie felt Sunbeam flinch as she was pulled into the hug. She was prepared for a lot of reactions from Sunbeam, but not the one that actually happened. Sunbeam snuggled in closer, closing her eyes and resting the side of her head on her chest. A moment passed before she spoke, her voice filled with defiance. “What? I’m cold. Sharing body heat makes sense.” Pinkie rested her head on top of hers and just smiled. There were few seconds of silence before there was a pointed cough from Applejack. Sunbeam didn’t look up or open her eyes. “As well as sharing body heat… It feels nice. Just-a-little-bit. There, happy now?” Applejack gave a small smile. “Yup.” Sunbeam shuffled in a bit closer to Pinkie. “Okay, I do admit that this does feel nice. All warm and fuzzy…” Her eyes snapped open and Pinkie felt her tense back up. “What are you doing to me Pinkie?” Letting her instincts guide her actions, Pinkie lifted a hoof and gently started brushing the mare’s mane. The words seemed right as well. “Shhh... little one. You’re safe.” Sunbeam closed her eyes again and relaxed. “Maybe a little bit longer then…” Pinkie felt herself being prodded in the chest with a hoof. “But only a little bit!”