"Dying hurts. I should know first hand. I've died and come back more times than you have probably blinked. I've ended up in many bodies, but this one isn't even human. To add to the bad list, it's a foal. It's about to get weird."
~Majestica
Majestica Silversoul is a Lich, a Lich who has been living for a very long time, he'd been turned to what he was at a young age, never knowing the joy of a childhood, when he attempts to escape a paladin in a final ditch effort, he gets thrown into a new world of sentient creatures, with a second chance, maybe he'll change his ways to be a good guy that he might have been meant to be?
Probably not.
(Edit*: Featured on 9/4/2014! Thank you guys! You all are awesome. )
A big thanks to my editor: Nihatclodra
Chapters (2)
nice story :)
SKITTY.
LOOK OUT BELOW!o3o
A promising start, even if the main character seems a decent bit too overpowered.
Still, that's magic users above apprentice level in a nut-shell, so it kinda comes with the territory.
4954626 Tad bit doesn't even describe how overpowered he is, since Lich's are some of the most OP things ever made.
4954665
True, true...
Is being overpowered such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing that this reminds me of "foal necromancer," I wouldn't consider that a bad thing. To bad he hasn't posted any chapters in months.
4954845 Actually, this was inspired from that very story! He hasn't updated in awhile, so I thought I'd give my own little story based off of that one!
4954139 Thank you
Intresting I hope to see more.
Hopefully this fills the void left by Foal Necromancer, since that story is officially abandoned.
4955178 Well, seeing as it basically /IS/ Foal Necromancer...
4955475 but without the comedy tag. and the comedy was one of the things I liked about Foal Necromancer...
4955495 Yeah. Damn, that sucks. The fuck happened to that guy, I wonder.
4955511 If I remember correctly: he, almost ironically, died.
4955178
EH?!
Foal Necromancer is dead? Dammit that was one of my favorite stories. I thought it was just on haitus.
Is it actually abandoned officially or is it just a "not been updated in ages so it must be dead" sorta situations?
4955596 Seriously? Where'd you hear that?
I'm curious, will he meet up or encounter major characters of MLP? (Mane six, celestia, etc)
4955784
4955763
I may be confusing him with another user with a similar name, but I seem to remember someone else on the website saying that he died in a car crash or something.
4955797
Damn, well I really hope that's not true he is/was a great writer.
I AM FILLED WITH A CRAVING FOR MORE! Liked and faved.
4955797 Daaaaamn.
Oh. Charon got a follower. Author, plagiarizm is bad. Shame on you.
Its even badly written, Delete it.
4954968 Well, then I hope you don't abadon this story...sigh...
Also, since this is based on that story, I guess he will have some sort of close relationship with one of the princesses...
Interesting... keep going
4956673 I'm not too sure actually, since my idea was revolving around traveling abit, then settling for a family.
4956501 I know the idea has been done, but nothing is original. I've had several ideas like it before I read the story, but his inspired me so much that I just needed to write another version of it. Maybe sometime I can talk to the author and there could be a cross over.
4956753Traveling huh?
This was most likely featured because of the conversation about the allegedly-dead author of Foal Necromancer.
This is badly written. To point out one class of the many classes of the many errors this has, you don't write onomatopoeia into the narration. Prose is not a comic book.
Your character is literally a mishmash of name-dropping.
Tense switching, bad narration, telling instead of showing, grammatical errors, a renouncement of diction, run-on sentences...
Commas are not a quick fix for sentence fragments. The way the character uses the narration to address the "audience" and refer to other parts of the prose is a difficult stylistic choice at best. Here, you're using it to make up for your inability to express semantic relations in a truly narrative way.
Using the character like he's a commentator to the events going on around him is lazy, and just another method of avoiding actual narration.
I should also note that from the point that the lich is dropped into the portal, he has done absolutely nothing. All he's done is sit on his ass, watch the events unfolding around him, and otherwise do nothing. Shouldn't he be experimenting with his circumstances, sizing up his environment, and making plans for whatever the hell he wants to do?
4956819 Your help is appreciated. I like constructive criticism. Though, with the way you're shooting I'm pretty sure it's just criticism. But before you do start lashing out at me, know no one has ever taught me how to write. I'm teaching myself, and only plan on improving. I thumbs up all your comments because they're true. But I will keep my style, alter it though I will. I still don't fully get all of grammar and I don't know how to express or really write out the way I'd like things, if I could I'd be making other stories right now.
My style is a combination of several others. All I need is some understanding, on my end of course, as I'm not sure how to express actions and such.
4956839
I recommend that you read more. Just know that I don't think this was featured due to the story.
Celestia's speaking like a supervillain. Your characterization of her is conflicted to say the least. And you might want to try getting a grasp on contemporary English before trying at Luna's voice.
4956834 And also, no. He's very lazy, and very arrogant, he acts on whim. He feels as if he's invincible so he doesn't need to actually prepare.
Edit: Also, it's not me being lazy, that's my style.
Edit Edit: The character was someone roleplayed so I already have how he would act down.
4956853
Why is this a character people would want to read about? Do they identify with him?
4956857 It's more because of the way he talks, I personally like my story because it's another HiE where the adult becomes a foal. Those are usually the ones I read. I personally can't tell you why others would read it.
And to that, one of my favorite is actually if nothing else, Oh to be old again.
Another thing I'd add is that I am looking for editors. It's not like I know my style and writing isn't horrid.
4956857 Lastly, shoot me an inbox. I'd rather not blow up the comment box.
4956474 Oh! Also, note. I wrote this was a story written only in inspiration by Necromancer Foal. Atleast, I did. But when the moderation said my description wasn't good enough, and didn't tell enough information I forgot to add it back.
Loving the story so far and the idea behind it!
(Oliver twist) Please sir, may I have some more...?
Oh, and is he an alicorn? Since he is basically OP for a unicorn and has the DNA of alicornS PLURAL it would not be a stretch of the imagination. Also, everlasting life sounds like a good break for a forced lich.
4956912
You're still a terrible person. But... Considering that story kinda just... Died. You're forgiven for your sin
Let's guess at what happened at the end shall we?
Mini Lich felt like he was teleported.
All he saw was black.
He heard Celestia...
Dude got turned inside out didn't he? Or maybe into a wall...
Just gonna put this out there: The pony looks like L.
4956912
Good that you did it
as foal necromancer seems rather dead now
so what is he now?
Needs an editor's look-over.
Keep to one tense please.
"I tried to lift myself up, causing my hood ????, everyone tensed as they saw my skeletal face,"
something is missing here
4954626
There's a Trope for that.
static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/wizardsandmelees_9442.jpg
*beat*
You may now all curse me for linking you to TVTropes.
4956474
Try again, mate.
Plagiarism would be copying the story itself, not the story's general premise. This reads more like Malideus than it does Necromancer Foal.
Now, if this fic starts getting too close to Necromancer Foal (gives Majestica here a skeletal cat familiar, has him adopted by Luna, etc), then and only then will you be correct with your claim of plagiarism.