Midnight Storm has had a hard life. She's wandered from city to city for the past three years, and they've all eventually run her out after they've found out what she is. Against her better judgement, she's placed her last hopes on the small town of Ponyville.
The residents here are nice enough, but when they find out what she really is, will they accept her, or drive her out like all the others? And when Celestia finds out about her, what plans does the Princess of the Sun have in store for the mare?
Cover image by Valkyrie-girl
Story now included in The Goodfic Bin
Chapters (20)
I'll read this within the next week or so. I live by a tight schedule, but I promised I'd take a look, and so I shall. Can't get to it tonight, though. I'll try my best.
no problem. and thanks again for looking!
for you sir.
a
VERY strong opening. I'll give you a full critique when I finish the next two chapters.
Until then, God-freaking-bless you for not pertaining to paragraph indents!
2789951 I actually used to write with those indents, but this time around I just didn't feel it.
It's nice to know that someone besides my proof reader likes the paceing so far, which is what I'm REALLY worried about.
Sorry I'm taking so long. I'm in the process of writing you a little something. Until then, you should pry post this to some groups if you want more views.
2843559 oh, thank you! take your time. any suggestion on which groups to add to? i'm gonna look, but do you have any in mind?
2847938 There should be some OC specific ones. I'd look there. To be honest, I don't know why your story is getting so little views. Even bad OC-fics tend to get at least five likes/dislikes. Weird...
2848597 *shrugs*
So far it's not a bad story compared to the usual.
Most of the time a Dragon/pony hybrid story is shit, plain and simple. The character is always a Gary Stu loaded with too many powers/immunities and the traditionnal dark/mysterious past.
And so far you managed to avoid some of these traps. The MC is not friend right away with the full cast, doesn't seem to outfly RD, don't pull magic tricks out of his ass for no reasons, there is no transparent romance in the air and she have a plausible job so far.
You got enough descriptions to help the reader picture what happen, the characters seems to act accordingly to their canon personnality and the MC is not one of these goody-two-shoes MC ( she's cynical, abrasive and paranoid enough to make her credible for me ).
My main complaint is :
I REFUSE the fact that Celestia is not aware of her existence.
In a world with cops and travelings salesponies news travels FAST. And if she's been droved out of every single equestrian towns for years, Celestia ( or her spy networks ) is bound to be aware of the existence of a creature like this. So thread carefully around this issue.
2939842
thank you for the critique, it is much appreciated.
being a mary/gary sue was exactly what I was trying to avoid here. I like the look of alicorns more than them being uber powerful, and I felt that her having a horn only from having a unicorn mom was a good move (hell, we've got tail bones but no tails)
about your complaints: yes, I am doing my best to tred lightly with those. the idea later on is that her family was able to keep her well hidden, even despite how she gets her cutie mark. on top of that, as soon as 1 pony sees her for what she really is, she halls flank out of town. (run out my just be her paranoia). I'm not really used to writing summeries, since this is my first really dedicated fanfic, so I ask for just a little leeway on that.
my proof reader is more for making sure the pacing and the characters feel right, and they've given thumbs up to each of the chapters I've written so far, so right now the one thing that I'm worried about is that I'm putting too much in the begging before I get to where I want to be (when I get to season 2 and 3 there is going to be SO much stuff going on).
then again, I've got so many ideas that maybe it just feels like I'm going slow in the beginning.
2939842
and when it comes to Celestia knowing things, I would like to simply cite "Swarm of the Century"
that is all
2940233
The main difference is your world is a darker Equestria.
Twilight ask right away if Midnight is a NM Cultist and spy. Midnight threaten Twilight and friends, and DT to call the COPS if they keep trespassing.
In a world with COPS, CULTIST and SPIES, Celestia HAVE to be aware of everything ( or have a solid spy network ) to prevent any cultist/spy/criminal lord to wreck havoc on her land. It's mandatory, you can't include spies/cops in a world and leave the leader of the land clueless about these kind of things, it just doesn't work. Especially with an immortal leader who need to be involved in everything to keep the peace for thousands of years.
I am so, so, so sewry! I realize I said I'd be writing you something by the end of the week, like, two weeks ago, but... stuff happened. Okay, the real story is that this was my brother's birthday week and it was strenuous to say the least. I literally and honestly completely forgot I was writing you something, and only just a few days ago stumbled upon it and made myself get it the Hell done. Allow me to bend all the way backwards so you can compulsively punch me in the stomach. But here's the thing I wanted to give you:
> Midnight Storm... That's a very... interesting name. Sounds woven from a combination of two words that both sounded cool, pretty, and badass. That's not a good thing. I would suggest giving her something that rolls off the tongue a bit better, unless you plan on giving a meaning behind that title. Perhaps she was conceived at midnight and it just happened to be on the night that God sneezed. In my opinion, badass names cannot just be given to a character unless they're earned or actually signify something other than just being... y'know, badassitude. But Midnight, in spite of her Mary Sue characteristics, actually strikes me as a very interesting character idea with a lot of potential. I especially like these two things: the fact that she's nomadic and the fact that she's really dang big - unnaturally big, in fact. Your story strikes me as being something based mainly on the past of Midnight rather than the potential future, and that's what I think you have best going for her. Rather than just doing what most lazy brony writers on FF do with simply implying that her life was hard, I like the idea of you actually showing how, expressing her past from a retrospective position. That sounds like an idea for a story that's badass in the intellectual style.
> Though, Midnight still has some problems I'd like it if you could deal with, most of them just having to do with a need for exposition. I don't like the fact that Midnight has Nightmare Moon eyes. This is a classic fanfiction mistake - giving your OC an arbitrary, but cool looking and archaic retina aesthetic just doesn't, doesn't, doesn't work. Now, as I said, it's an exposition thing; what you can do to fix this is to give it an interesting explanation, and I actually do mean interesting. It can't be some arbitrary and ultimately pointless backstory like 'she ate a magic berry'; it's actually gotta be plot-relevant. Maybe her eyes are gonna have some significance in the story later on? That's fine, then; keep the eyes. But are they just some social stigma or made in an effort to make your protag an outcast? Get rid of 'em! Noa!
> Next thing I've already brought up in an epic display of my ADD - Midnight's name is just too badass. Well, I did say that it'd be fine if she earned it, but even then, a name with more than two cool words just doesn't do it for me, and that's why I've taken something of a disliking to Rainbow Dash's and Twilight Sparkle's aesthetic traits. Try either just Storm or Midnight. Both are really cool names that roll off the tongue well and aren't too overly-epic. Simple as that; just remove one of the words. If you asked for my opinion, I'd say Storm is the better option, but I think that's just because I like the drawback to the comic book character, devious ol' me.
> I don't really mind that Midnight is black coated. Not at all actually. But try to remember that in fanfiction, the colors of black and red should be avoided like a disease that turns your urethra into a cactus. It goes a long way to making people have that instinctual 'she's a Mary Sue, and this story sucks' response that comes with reading slice-of-life tales about OCs. Though it doesn't apply to me, it actually does apply to a Helluva lot of others. This small and very simple thing can cause you a lot of pain and misery, so be careful about it, m'kay? I kind solution would be making her either dark grey or an even darker blue. Both go well with her name, fit that Nightmare Moon aesthetic you're gunning for, and are just much better for an OC. For me, 'black' doesn't equal mysterious; it just means black. You wanna make your character an enigma? Make her a darker version of an actual color, and you'll get all the bitches.
> 'Thrown for a loop.' I love you for using that expression.
> You characterized Pinkie Pie fairly well for a first try. I say fairly well, because, though there was nothing I could ever claim she wouldn't have done or said, no scene of her's in the first chapter made me jump out of my seat, clap my hands together and go 'Fuck yeah! That's totally fucking Pinkie!' Still though, the characterization was acurate and not overbearing at all, compared to a lot of other refuse on this site. So feel happy, son; you're already doing better than sixty percent of Fimfiction. Don't get too cocky, though, as that's not too hard to achieve. Though, there's one caveat: using her to explain the color of Midnight's eyes was a bad move. Don't do that. You're the one who's supposed to describe her eyes, m'kay?
> Generally, question marks are supposed to come before exclamation points. Minor pet peeve of mine, but I demand you fix it!
> Your first scene has the greatest last sentence in the history of the world. Though, Pinkie does not gallop; she bounces, you imbecile! *pulls hair out in a pathetic fit of rage*
> Though, I'm a little sketchy on the idea of only one available house being in Ponyville, I'll roll with it, since there's nothing in the show, I think, that contradicts it. Not to mention, I like the thought of Midnight fixing up an old house in isolation while a bunch of ponies bother her.
> Oh yeah, your dialogue needs some work, too. Allow me to give you a few grammar lessons: Never use too many conjunctions and commas in a single sentence. It sounds awful and unnatural and not at all how people talk, so you see what I mean, and I know you do, or do you, really, but no seriously? Alright, I'm being a dick. This sentence is full of failure, if you want me to be cruelly honest. I understand that you want to make it one loud burst of withheld anger, but it simply doesn't work well. You got three problems with it; the first being that that you repeat 'right now' and 'game' twice. That's an atrocity, mang! Second is that she's giving too much information in one sentence. She likes her privacy, and she's busy going to the town hall? Please separate these two things. Last of all, I can see what you were trying to do with the 'Leave. Me. Alone!' thing, but that kind of dialogue method is really annoying. There's nothing that says you can't do it, but generally, people tend to hate that. Or is that just me? Ultimately, you monologue there should end up looking more like this. With a few additions to iron out a bunch of other small quirks - the fact that 'stop bothering me' and 'leave me alone' are basically the same thing, for instance.
> Next dialogue problem I have is that you shouldn't put character a's action in character b's same paragraph. Like when Mayor Mare was explaining to Midnight that there was one house left, and in that very paragraph, you said that Midnight smiled. Don't do that. Tell us that Midnight smiled in the paragraph where she talks. If she never end up talking, put the action in its own paragraph, anyway.
> A wood cutter?! Dammit, man, that is the coolest thing ever and you should feel like a baws, right now! That's actually a very original occupation for a pony, and I'm proud of you for picking it. I am very proud, son.
> Per se =/= per say. Jus' Sayin'...
> I really liked your description of the decayed house. Nice and detailed, as well as, (having just read 'The Earth Without Us', myself), not in any way betraying logic. Good job. Though, I hate the idea of electricity, gas, and water just magically being there. I'd prefer it if you'd simply say that she got the utilities turned on as soon as she bought the house. Makes much more sense.
> One more thing, your description work is solid at best. Definitely fine, but still carrying some inherant problems. Such as missuse of commas, generally bad fomatting, etc. I'd recommend you get an editor, and I just happen to know one you could hire... *tugs shirt collar and points at own self*. Yes, I'm entirely willing to help show you the ropes for description. It's not really a forte of mine, but I know all the ways of ironing small problems out and fixing quirks up. As I said, your description is fine, but it's let down by a myriad of errors and what have you. I can fix those for you, and you'll have a significant improvement. Though, it's merely an offer. Accept it if you want to. Or don't. I don't caaaaare (reverse psychology).
So what you have ultimately, is a pretty solid story overall. Buuuut, it's kind of... well, nothing really tie grabbing happens in it. I mean, it's a fine story, definitely. It's just not especially interesting. Now, that's not a bad thing for people who don't mind this, but a good damn lot actually do, and that's probably what I can diagnose for you lack of attention. It's a good enough story, not at all bad enough to hate for any significant reason, but not really something a person could describe as 'worth reading'. So - and I know this isn't what you wanna here - I'd recommend you mostly rewrite it. Start from scratch so that you can better it and give it a unique twist. As I said, I'm willing to help you out on that front. Just note me up and I'll be right on the job.
See ya 'round, mate.
~DC
2963946 gonna need some time to answer this properly.
Name: Midnight’s name wasn’t conceived because she’s a badass, although I certainly see how she’s designed makes it seem that way, and her looks defiantly inspired the name because I wanted to describe what she looks like in her name. But, it wasn’t the first thing that popped into my head. I just kept trying out different names (none of which I can remember) until one day the name ‘Midnight Storm’ came out and it felt just right; the way it seemed to just roll of the tongue and I honestly feel that it’s a subtle sounding name (by midnight most people are asleep so a storm would go largely unnoticed). At this point as well I’ve incorporated both parts of her name in the upcoming parts in the story (I hope you noticed that the title of the story reflects the first part of her name). As to the reason that will be given in the story, well you’re just going to have to wait like everyone else. Most times characters will also be simply refereeing to her as Midnight, so hopefully that will tune down the badassery for you.
Features: I follow you on NM eyes and their prevalence in the fandom, however I was trying to blend dragon and pony and come out with as seamless a blend as possible. I want to make it known now that there is a difference between draconic eyes (Spike’s, other dragons’, bat ponies’) and NM’s eyes: NM has color whites, while all the others have normal whites. Midnight has ‘normal’ draconic eyes. Pinkie and Twilight simply compare her with NM because of her coat color and that both mares have blue eyes, albeit two different types. This also leads me to her coat colors. I think I should also mention here that I conceived Midnight with a OC creator (I know it’s a strike against both me and the character but just bare with me) and blue and black are my two favorite colors. “Well, couldn’t you simply reverse them then?” I’ve tried it and it doesn’t feel right to me. As I’ve said before, I’ve come up with Midnight first and built the story around her, and for now I can tell you the black coat comes from her father (her was a black dragon), and the blue hair she inherited from her mother. The black and red alicorn is another trope in the fandom that I am well aware of and that is why I’ve gone to length to hammer in how different she is (not an alicorn, horn is basically useless).
Pinkie Pie:
I knew even before I started writing that I wasn’t going to be able to do Pinkie justice, but it seems I done at least somewhat of a good job. Hell, Discord’s easier because writing for him can really be put down to a really crazy mad-libs game: at least there’s SOME structure to a degree. Pinkie is just… beyond random and out there. And while it is true she bounces a lot, she DOES also run around, especially when she’s determined or angry, so I make no apologies for the end of the first scene.
Sorry, but I feel this: !? looks better than this: ?!
The House: Yes, it’s rather difficult to believe that that was the only available house in town, but I had a good idea about the house I wanted her in.
The offending sentence has been dealt with.
Dialogue: I can defiantly see what you’re getting at and I’ve looked through all the books and novels I’ve read and I don’t know where I’ve gotten the habit of righting like that. But I can tell you that I’ve already tried writing it the way you told me, and just like with the !? it just flows more naturally with me. During a conversation what they’re saying is more important than their actions (I also know this point can be argued) for me, so that’s why I structured it like I did, and again it just feels, and looks, right. This may simply change with practice so I’ll keep trying, but no guarantees.
Job: this is what probably drove me nuts early in Midnight’s development. Nothing really seemed to fit her personality. She’s not a gardener and stuff that puts her in the spotlight, like singing for example, where out of the question. Finally it came to me one day that her tail blade could be used to chop wood, and no character in the show yet shown has been shown to be a wood cutter, even though many of the homes in the show have fire places, including Celestia’s own living quarters, show it seemed like a nice, proper niche for her to fill. The fact that it’s also a somewhat lonely occupation made that choice easier too.
Finally, I’d like to tell you that I have been looking over the comma thing (my proof reader also mentioned this) and I have been going through the chapters and rectifying it. As for an editor, I’m sorry but my aunt has found out about my fanfic and has agreed to be my editor, seeing as she works for a book company and has had a book published herself. However that does not mean I don’t want further input from you; on the contrary, I want you to point out certain things like these to help me continue improving!
One last thing as well: I am NOT rewriting this. It has taken me a year to come up with characters and a story line and I’m not just tossing any of that hard work out. Rearrange it and use it in different spots, but I’m not changing it much. Yes, I’d like it if it was liked and faved more, but I’m not out to be the next Pen Stroke. What I’m doing here is giving life to an idea I’ve had and devoted time to, and if others don’t like it, then that’s what’s meant to be.
3088540 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh fuck, oh dear. I am so sorry, but I hope you can understand that my computer has a very distinct problem with message notifications. My message centre must've done the periodical wipe and I never got around to reading your reply
. Gah, screw me, dammit!
But I don't have time to answer today, unfortunately (schoooooooool). I'll get to it over the weekend. Just letting you know.
As for the editing thing, though, just send me a draft by PM and I'll be on it as soon as possible. Simple as that.
EDIT: Oooooo... I like your new cover art.
3088853 yeah, I went and got a commission of her. really love it too.
oh, and you might want to read my response before any more talk of editors.
3091528 Oh well shit, how did I miss this? Well, that's my fault for skimming then -_(\
3094635
'sall right.
3088540 <cracks back> Ummmgh... I hate Saturday so much. How odd of me...
The one where you explain the anti-suity of Midnight's name: Seems legit enough, to be perfectly honest. It's gotta be remember that most of my criticisms are to help avoid pre-conceived notions that come with certain fanfiction elements. Midnight strikes me as a fine character indeed, but misunderstandings about Mary Sue aesthetics can really screw your outer knee if you're not careful enough. But if you wanna be bold, I don't see anything wrong with that. I even kind of like your descriptions for the relevance of her name. Just make sure you can implement it correctly into the context. Unless you already did that (I still haven't gotten around to finishing the last two chapters; I've been in the middle of reading a 500k word story and that's been kicking my ass so bad that I can hardly make time to breath with everything else on my schedule {I promise I'll get around to it, though}).
The one where I'm swiftly reminded how much an ass I am: Upon writing my criticisms, I knew that Midnight wasn't a normal pony, but it was so late in the night that I didn't realize how much that can effect an aesthetic persona. As mentioned, I was mainly pointing these things out because they make for slight taboo, and the hardened big guys of the fandom tend to just sniff them out first and make a run for the door before even judging the content. But Midnight is a dragon-pony, so screw my logic for now. On top of that, now that I can actually get a good visual of her from your commission, the design has further grown on me.
The one about that crazy, pink crack-head: I moreso corrected you on the running thing because I can't actually picture Pinkie in my head running away after something like that. But that's just my dumb head-canon. Either way, I'm surprised that you'd find her hard to characterize. She strikes me as the easiest one out of the mane six.
The thing about that one thing with the questions marks: You're not actually supposed to use either, but I like it better my way. As I said though, just a dumb pet peeve.
About that horrid sentence: <nods head in approval>
About the way folks talk: Well, okay then. Suit yerself, pardner.
The one about Midnight's epic job: Well, you nailed it indeed. Get it? Nailed? Wood? GET IT?!
About your final choice: Yeah, that's, uh... that's what I meant by 'rewrite', bro. I don't recommend changing anything drastically; just make it so that some glaring issues can be better ironed out. But I can always help you with the input as you suggested. I might not get around to reading your next two chapters for a bit, but I'll try my best to get that (and every other mother-chucking thing) done. Noble of you to stick to your principles, though. It's commendable.
3100753
1. 500k!? Jesus H. Christ man!
2. It's the fact that Pinkie can be even more random than even Discord just makes me unsure if I'm writing her right, that's all.
3. The job joke:
4. Sorry, I just get a bit defensive since I've prepped this thing for a year now and what you said seemed a bit... drastic.
Well, I'm about to post my fifth chapter (yeah, now you'll be behind by 3
), and so far my proof reader has made this her most heavily critiqued chapter yet. After it gets posted though I'm going to start the companion story of the poker nights mentioned.
.
.
.
.
And you haven't got there yet... shows how much I pay attention to two lines ago that I just wrote
Anyway, definitely get around to the next two chapters as they explain a lot, as will chapter 5 when it gets posted (seriously man, a 500k story pretty much requires you to take a break).
3101547 Got through a fifth of it in one week. OH!
Also, Poker Night? Are you just trying to get me to read the next chapters by implementing awesome subliminal messaging into your posts?
3102130 may-bay
I hope when Fluttershy finds out about Midnight's meat eating tendencies, you don't make her freak out too badly.
I would think she'd be a little understanding since she has like, a bear.
Really good story so far, the only thing I'm dreading is the Celestia chapter.
Sounds a bit like she's gona be a lil racist.
3112229
I actually plan Fluttershy to be the most understanding, because, as you pointed out, she takes care of carnivores (i'd sooner site the birds of prey, since bears are technically omnivores, so she could just be feeding him berries)
As for dear old Tia... I'll leave you in suspense
How is this not more popular? I'll have to see if I can get some of my followers to check this out. Until then, I await the next chapter.
3122562
thank you for the fav and the praise.
I think the reason it wasn't found sooner was because it didn't have a cover image, and I say that because before I had a cover image there was about a single fav per chapter, same went for likes, and I had a top daily views of 49. I uploaded my cover image and then posted chapter five, and everything just exploded.
also, thank you for spreading the word!
P.S. - My other story is giving me issues with uploading a cover image (it won't let me upload or link to one), and I was wondering if you've had this problem before and if you were able to fix it.
3123287 I posted a blog entry. Hopefully at least SOME of my followers will give this a try. I have over 500 so you should get some new favs soon.
I never had that problem before. I'd PM a mod.
3123322
Thank you! I've already got some more favs and a watch!
I've PM a mod about it, but they havn't got back to me yet.
Shirotora brought me here.
3123467
and how have you liked the story so far?
Oh, Midnight, you foolish fool. You don't want to shun Pinkie. It always comes back to bite you.
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130102094210/mlp/images/e/e8/Crazy_Pinkie_Pie_S1E25.png
3123485Still reading it right now, but I'm really enjoying it. There are a few technical grammar and spelling errors here and there, but nothing too distracting. (If you ask for specific examples, I could go back over and find them.) Nice to see DT getting what she deserves, btw
but... but...
PFUDOR!!!
Have yourself an upvote, fave, follow, and– well, there was a cake, but someponies ate it
3123494
I will definitely have fun with that episode.
3123549
I've got a proof reader, so I'm aware of some of the grammar errors, though due to the way I write, especially conversations, I pulled rank on her.
I honestly hate DT (I know it's a strong word) more than all the other villians put together. She's just so... IRRITATING!!!
3123570
I honestly want that as a ring tone, and so far I've driven my sister crazy with it.
trust me, I do not like not writing her in, but I just couldn't find a way around the whole "Tia finds out, sends Screwball to meet her father" issue. Maybe after discord either gets free or reformed I could write her in.
I like this, quite nice indeed. Grammar/mechanics are pretty good, I personally didn't notice any mistakes. I like the premise of the story and Midnight is pretty cool, though methinks that She wouldn't be quite as accepted at this point in Ponyville's history. This is before Zecora was accepted in P'Ville, so I wouldn't think that she would be welcomed by as many. Derpy, from fandom and possibly cannon? Yeah, she would be more accepting. Twilight? probably yeah. Some of the foals? yeah. Other than that though... I don't know.
Still, a good story. I'm looking forward to more.
3123643
Firstly, thanks for the fav AND the watch!
When it comes to Zecora, head cannon for the story is that, since Twilight wasn't around when Zecora first came to town, rumors were allowed to florish and nopony sought to dispel them. Since Midnight came around after Twi came to town, she was able to keep rumors from getting started. And nopony has mentioned Zecora yet because, well they haven't. Twi doesn't know about her until the episode, and neither will Midnight.
3123664 Seems legit to me!
3101547 500 k is nothing. There is a story out there, my favorite one in fact: Diaries of a Madman. It is currently 1.2 Mil words long, and probably not even half way through. I loves it. Also aother good one is The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments. It is 200k, and worth every word. Shameless plug of my two favorite stories is done now...
3123680
Lauren H. Faust man!
I will concede that my favorite fanfic, Past Sins, is a 200k story, but with a 500k story we're talking around 40+ chapter!
Then again if you're really into the story it doesn't feel that long, and it IS just numbers.
This first chapter already has me hooked.. good work
3122562
Nice pick Shiro thanks for bringing me here!!!
3124051
thank you! and thanks for the fav!
3123680 The longest fanfic in the world (last I checked) was a SSB or Mario one at, like 3.5M+ words.
*some time looking for it later* Ah, here's an article about it from earlier this month: http://www.buzzfeed.com/josephbernstein/meet-the-college-junior-behind-the-longest-fan-fiction-ever
I can read (without skimming) up to 31,000 words an hour, give or take. (roughly 100 pages in a book, given that the average word count in novels is 300-350 words per page.) This would take me over 100 hours to read. If someone finds a longer fanfic, let me know. I still need to test the limits of my insanity
3124092 already like it and i haven't read it yet
3124348
then read it and you'll love it!
Just a note, a typo I see in many a fic: This should say definately.