• Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Cold in Gardez

Stories about ponies are stories about people.


Lyra and Bon Bon, aka the masked superheroes Harpflank and Sweets, have been entertaining young foals with their stories of action and courage on television. But once a season, the network produces a special episode to teach valuable life lessons to impressionable young foals.

A very special episode, with a narrator who is determined to make their emotional breakthroughs as touching and personal as possible.

Whether they want it or not.

(Side story to Harpflank and Sweets, by Arcainum. I'm very sorry.)

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 40 )

Oh lawd. I died.

The special episodes?! I thought they were all destroyed! :pinkiegasp:

:rainbowhuh: :rainbowderp: :rainbowkiss: :rainbowlaugh:

Don't know what you were on when you dreamt this fic up, but good work.

...also, it seems that in their zeal to produce a very special episode the network execs forgot that Trixie was redeemed during the events of the movie and is no longer a villain in season 2.

Geez, CiG. I've been reading Salvation and In the Garden of Good and Evil and I forgot for a little while that you could be so danged funny!

Well that was very special! :pinkiehappy:


Maybe they wrote all the scripts in advance and it just got bumped up to next season because of episode restraints?

The important part is that they all learned stuff about things.

The narrator is a dick.

As the great Spoony One once said, "There is no continuity. Only insano."

Sweet Celestia, I've been missing H&S. Great work!

That was terrible and wonderful.

“No! Stop it! This isn’t fair! I got hepatitis during the last episode, dammit!”

Absolutely fucking brilliant.

Nay, for as long as there are lessons to be clumsily shoved down young throats by ham-handed executives, the special episodes will live on. Just not in continuity.

Still, at least it isn't as bad as the Season 3 episode where Vinyl struggles with her albinism.

That was brilliant. And horrible. Horribrill. Bravo.

Should I read the ones by Arcanium first, or is this stand-alone enough?


You should probably read those first.


I'd have to say the most tickling element to this fic were the contradicting narrations. Just flat out heartless how the dialogue was subverted and twisted into the narrator's will. That'll teach Bonnie to make her sweets with heroine! Great work!

On another hand, I couldn't really get into the 'main' H&S stories, yet I enjoyed this one. The humor lies more with lampooning 'special episodes' in general than anything specific about 'Harpflank & Sweets'. I guess maybe there's an extra layer of bathos if you've read H&S, but it's still fun without that.

This was, and now I'm.:eeyup:

Don't feel :pinkiesad2:! There's nothing wrong with H&S, it just didn't fit my taste! I loved Twi Hard 2!






"Tune in next week, as our heroes battle Princess Luna's evil mechatrons for control of Metropony City! undergo extensive psychotherapy at the hooves of the Princess of the Night!"




The narrator is indeed a bit of a twat.
It reminds me of the Warner Brothers' classic Duck Amuck :rainbowlaugh:

This was fantastic. I've never H&S, but now I've got it on my to-read list. :twilightsmile:

2413888 I hadn't seen Duck Amuck in years, and when I saw that flag they stuck on Daffy's butt -- Screwball! Her cutie mark was a reference to that cartoon! Makes perfect sense given the episode she appeared in and all the reality-bending chaos that happened in Duck Amuck. Thanks for the link. :pinkiehappy:


“This is is a lot of candy,” Lyra said.

An extra "is" there.

I'm guessing heroin isn't exactly great for the show budget. Probably why special episodes are "special". :twilightoops:

And later that evening, a number of episode writers were found unconscious in an alley, needle marks all over their bodies and powdered sugar stuffed into every available orifice, and a few that were less than available. One was missing a liver. No suspects have been identified.


One was missing a liver.

I just got that. Heh.

Wow, this episode got diabetes completely wrong. If someone is diabetic and seems to be falling over, giving them a dose of insulin is the most dangerous thing you can possibly do and will almost certainly result in death. The reason is that they are most likely experiencing hypoglycaemia, which is low blood sugar, not high, and is treated by consuming sugary food or, if unconscious, by a special type of gel that is applied to the insides of the cheeks or a glucose injection... both of these have horrible side effects that cause blood sugars to go out of whack for a while and should only be used if you know the sufferer is low. You simply cannot know for sure without first doing a blood sugar test.

Having a blood sugar so high that it starts to cause visible symptoms is extremely unlikely and there are warning signs well in advance, and even then the best thing to do is to call an ambulance, since administering an incorrect dose of insulin is also incredibly dangerous. One should only ever administer insulin when one knows both how much is usually taken and at what intervals and how much was actually taken, OR working blood testing equipment is available: if the reading is off the top of the scale then it may be safe to inject a small dose, but you should really just report the reading to the person on the other end of the emergency line and await instruction. In either case, you still need to know the exact composition of the insulin in question (instant, long-acting or a mixture?) and be qualified in injecting: knowing the appropriate sites to use, how to properly prime the needle to avoid injecting air bubbles, correctly identifying and avoiding lumpy sites, etc.

Here is some sound advice for dealing with diabetes for anyone who is not diabetic.
- If someone who is diabetic asks for something sugary, give it to them immediately. A sugary drink is best. They should show signs of improvement within a few minutes, assuming they are right about how they feel (it is for most people easy to tell when your own blood sugar is starting to fall too low).
- If a diabetic falls unconscious or semi-conscious, call an ambulance immediately. If there is blood testing equipment available and you know how to use it, perform a test. If the reading is below 4.0 mmol/L, see if you can get them to eat or drink something sugary.
- Never issue an insulin injection to someone else, unless you are the carer of a diabetic who is unable to inject themselves (doing so as a matter of routine) or a trained medical professional with the results of a blood test at hand.

Ow. I think you bruised ma funny bone.

Good that writers for super hero shows don't need to be properly trained medics. I mean, medical accuracy? That's sure to lead to things like boring results and a complete lack of drama.

I just wish that this episode were dated in season 1, or didn't have Trixie as a villain. I demand that my fan-fan-fictions adhere strictly to canon!

Could’ve been worse. Remember last season? I got hepatitis during the special episode.

I'm kind of curious how she got hepatitis, if the special episode bothered to justify it at all.

“Dammit! God dammit!” Lyra threw the folder onto the ground. “Fucking special episodes! Gah!”

Special episodes: a valuable tool to both teach children sensitivity to the plight of others and expand their vocabularies.

It’s heroin. There’s, like, a dozen kilos here.

Wow. That's a lot of heroin. I don't know what the conversion between dollars and bits is, but at maybe $50 a gram (thank you, Yahoo answers) that's $600,000 dollars or so, and that's got to be a lot of bits. Or Metropony City has really cheap drugs.
Seriously, what would they have to be paying her for this special episode to make a lick of sense? What fraction of the average addict's total wealth do they keep in drugs on hand?



Huh. I am still the only downvoter. Well, I guess I owe an explanation.

Comedy is subjective; Everyone has their preferences, small likes and dislikes that combine into a vague sense of: I like this.

Or sometimes: I really really don't like this.

I have always enjoyed your writing, Cold in Gardez, but the humor in this story just came across as extremely off-putting. I felt that what happened to the titular characters was not just on the level of "mean", but deeply disturbing. In essence, the joke was about characters being robbed of free will, and I couldn't laugh at that. All I felt was pity and sadness.

I do realize it's a joke, it's just not one that I could ride with.

Maybe they should start calling Sweets Sweetflanks instead, given the size of 'em.

OH. MY. GOD. :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

Next up, Derpy's struggle with strabismus and learning disabilities.

Remember kids, vamponies are ponies, too.

"I'm not a damn vampony! And Sweets, cover up those injection marks already! Every time I see your forelegs I get hungry."

I just found this story and I have a question...WTF,O!?!?
This reminds me of the Looney Tunes episodes where one character is subject to the whims of another; i.e. Daffy Duck being animated by Bugs or Bugs Bunny being animated by Elmer Fudd. Completely nonsensical, with the characters forced into their rolls by the writers. Clever premise, over the top execution. You don't do things by half, do you :yay::trollestia::facehoof:?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!