Transformed into an alicorn against her will, Twilight’s peaceful world is shattered when she discovers that she’s considered a threat to the throne of the Two Sisters. With her friends nowhere to be found, Twilight must set off on a journey to find the truth behind her transformation, and why her own country considers her an enemy.
Old wounds will be opened, new friends will come forth from the shadows, and Twilight will discover a truth that will shatter her view of her mentor forever. Yet unbeknownst to her, this was her destiny all along.
This fanfic is heavily based on Equestria-Prevails artworks and fanon material. Any credit for the Characters, Locations, and Art that belongs to him must be directed at his page on Deviantart. Any other art will be credited to the respective owners on the author's note section of each chapter.~
I also have to give my thanks to a few guys who are helping me with this:
The awesome Bulder for Proof-Reading chapters seven through thirteen;
The amazing Vexy for revamping the long description;
The fantastic ymom2 for proof-reading from chapter two towards six;
The lovely Divine Path for helping me with rephrasing.
Cover art credits must go to ~Nalenthi
Yes... Ye-hessss...
I do, however, recommend you get a proofreader, assuming you don't already have one. Your vocabulary is a bit awkward at times, but it's not horrible.
2234857
Thanks, I struggling with it a little. It is hard to find a proof-reader nowdays LOL!
2234888
...are you serious? I can name at least five groups off the top of my head where you can find any number of people willing to lend you a hand with editing your work.
2234895
I am in some of them, but I didn't understand the submission rules!
Back on the day, it was so easier...
Can you point me a good one, pretty please?
Mmm, that's a cover art to remember
A hefty read; I can see you've really put a lot of work into this. I really hope you continue it!
2234901
this and this
duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Equestria-prevails? like, my favorite artist?! READING!
I'd be willing to take a close look at this and make some comments if you sent me a googledox link, actually.
2234904
It is one of the most epic pics of Twilight as a Princess that I could find. It also suits this fic sad theme pretty well. I shall continue this for everyones amusement kind sir.
2234949
I can, of course. I'm writing it on a google doc anyway. Just give me a minute and I will link it to you.
2234925
He is probably the best pony artist I know. He made a really powerful and intricate universe, and I HAD to do a fic about all his creations. Next chapter will be called, "The Concord Flame" so anyone who knows about his drawings can say who is going to appear next.
2234959
I don't even follow MLP fanart and I was drawn to this. Also thanks for the link, yo
This looks quite interesting. Will have to read it later tonight.
2235199
Thank you for giving it a chance mister.
I really hope you enjoy!
2235224 I would be reading it right now, except that I have something to do here in just a bit.
2235251
I shall wait for your opinions then kind sir.
This is a great story. So is this a evil Celestia and evil Luna story? What about Discord what part if any will he play?
2235330
This is not a evil Celestia/Luna story, despite of what it seems. And Discord will play a HUGE part in the future chapters. I don't want to give spoilers, but he is going to play a fundamental role.
2235338 Unless it's spoilers or something, what about Cadance? There's no price on her head.
This is pretty good, but you change tenses often. Nice job on the pictures.
I like the premise, but all these tense changes, bulky sentences, and agreement issues make it a bit unreadable at times. You should also start using more contractions. It's fine to have Celestia say "cannot" or "should not," but I can't picture Applejack saying those. While I'm not usually too picky about this, at times some of the mane six seem a bit too out-of-character, or change personalities completely. For example, in the prologue, Fluttershy is at first timid (as always), but in the very next scene when she is confronted by the guard she toughens up only to go back to being her shy old self again by the end in the throne room confrontation.
Whatever. Like I said, this is an awesome premise and I've faved to see where you'll take this. It's the plot that counts, after all. But definitely consider getting a proofreader. It'll make you much more popular in the eyes of grammar Nazis such as myself.
I'll say that being an Alicorn is a curse because now she is immortal, but hey, it's your story
2235872
This will be explained further.
2236265
Thank you! Dammit, I thought I didn't missed the tenses on this one!
I will try to stop changing them on the next chapter.
Also, pics are going to be used often on this fic. This is a tribute to Equestria Prevails after all!
2236603
Ah! Thank you very much for pointing this. The motive for me to use few contractions is because I'm not a native speaker, and I tend to get a little nervous of using them and mispeling it. I will try to use them more often on the next chapters.
Also, about Fluttershy, I tried to invoke on the readers the feeling of Fluttershy being brave to protect her friends like in Dragon Shy.
2236616
Being immortal is not the real curse... This is one of the main themes of this fic!
I really hope this continues as good as it is, or gets better because I'm really enjoying this story.
2237063
I promise a real improvement on it by the next chapter. I have found a proof-reader, thanks Celestia, and I know that with one, the fic will get even better. Thank you very much for the compliment.
2237152
I was actually a bit surprised, it's rare for a fic to get my heartbeat so high, the tension was actually one of the bests I had since I started to read fics.
By the way sir author, é nóiz
2237178
Raro encontrar um brasileiro por aqui!
Tipo, muito raro mesmo! Massa, bom saber que tem um pessoal do Brasil por aqui no fimfiction.
Espero que você continue a gostar, e valeu pelos elogios!
2236603
Indeed.
Just some modest suggestions for grammar/wording. No doubt that proofreader you found will say something similar (
).
“I returned from my banishment quite some time ago. On the same day that a certain Princess returned from the moon...”
“I know everything about each one of you, ponies. Your strengths and your weaknesses, too. That’s why I am attacking Canterlot now that I have enough information. As I predicted, Celestia sent you six to try and defeat me using those stupid powers of harmony. Her precious knights don’t even stand a chance, not against me.”
“Yes! We will banish you again!” Twilight yelled.
“Never! Equestria will fall beneath the might of Tambelon!”
This time, the goat cackled madly, mocking Twilight, “ Your beloved princess sent you to your death, then!”
“Congratulations. You are the second spellcaster to have enough magical power to resist my Thunder Horn. Such a shame that you already exhausted yourself, invading my fortress."
“Try to defend against this spell with your pathetic ward, Sparkle!” he shouted, gloating.
“That’s how you were planning to reason with us?”, Twilight asked, looking bemused.
What am I going to do?
P.S.
You might want to do a little more setup exposition (unless this is a sequel that I haven't read the story prior to), since it's not real clear how long it's been since Luna was freed (except by main canon references). Are the ponies proper adults now? You may also want to expand on detail a little bit, as the story feels choppy at times. This is especially the case in several of the dialogues, where we aren't told anything except what they said. A little more detail on the passive actions, etc of the ponies would help to set the scene/convey the mood.
P.P.S
Good luck with the new villain and crazy plot twist.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4878-d99.gif
2237941
Thank you VERY much for indicating all those errors kind sir! I plan to correct the prologue and the first chapter soon, using all the feedback that is being given to me.
This is not a sequel. I did the prologue that way, to try to give a sensation of something we saw on the show, like when Discord first appeared in Return of Harmony. I will do some corrections, and insert more background about Grogar and Tambelon.
2238142
2239007
I'm just dropping by to say congrats on all the success. I'll work on the stuff you sent me a bit more when I have time later today
2239540
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Favorited, Watched, uppity-upped!
Seems like a good story. However, there are some serious grammar problems.
2241403
I shall squash them by next update, I promise!
Next chapter will be less painful to read, and I shall change the current ones to a proof-readed version.
2241446 If you would like I can proof-read for you. I proofread for several other authors. Google docs usually works well for this. After reading this chapter the story has been upgraded from "good" to "great". Looks super promising.
2242049
I would love to mate! I can send you a link right away if you want!
2242130 Sure but I probably won't get to it until tomorrow. It's late where I am.
2242411
It is really late for me too. I'm about to go to bed, so I think I will contact you tomorrow, if you don't mind kind sir.
Awesome story so far!
DAMN, longest chapter I ever read, but I get very annoyed if things are not so serious, I find it so hard for such a dark villian to say please or even grant one mercy, Pinkie Pie makes me very annoyed when she does not get serious during a fight and the fact the the Elements if Harmony have defeated two gods alone should mean that they are to be feared
Seriously though, despise the grammer, I'm very impressed by this, you added humor where there should not have been any yes, but you did really well with telling of the new enemies and how their 'king' was defeated, I'm impressed...shall read onward
Can't wait to see the Goddess of Magic and what, no Spike? He is the Chrystal Savior after all
This is going to get insane and dark very fast, though you have my full attention, I'm just hoping Spike can go with her on her quest if anything (once she escapes and there is no doubt an epic battle between all three gods), maybe they can even bond romantically, if not then as family, does not matter which
Long as he does not call her mom of course *shivers* can't stand that, but I could deal with older sister, like I said, does not matter which, it's your story.
Shit, the Goddess of the Night, dreams and moon rejected her and even the Goddess of the Sun, they turned their backs on the Goddess of Magic, do all the Gods despise Twilight now? Shit, this has so many questions that need to be answered, cool sword though, if Spike does join her mind giving him a scythe? That weapon would be so badass
This.....is going to be good, you have attention
Fun fact, Nalenthi actually hates this piece. She never understood why one of her quicker pieces is more popular than some of the stuff she does now. Another fun fact, she bashes on other peoples art despite the fact that the person she's insulting is the reason her pictures got onto eqD at all.
2244201
That's interesting to know!
Well, I choose this piece of her because it reproduces the feelings I want to transmit through the fic very well. Twilight's face is not seen; she can be facing the blurred road ahead of her with determination and courage, or just sadness and worry, leaving it up to the readers interpretation. Also, I like the fact she's not using the royal regalia, just the crown of her element, its also perfect for this fic setup.
About the fact she bashes other people works... Well, I guess some people are harsh critiques. If you visit the parasprite page, he did a blog post about my story, and one of his followers called my fic a "piece of shit with bad grammar."
I don't mind, can't get attention from all the world right? And I assume Nelenthi has other great pics, and is a great artist, and she is a very kind person too, at least she didn't mind in leaning me her art for my cover.
So... wait... Tyranyt!Luna? ...
... I thought it said 'a group', not 'the two very Princesses that are mentor/role model'. Bit of a nitpick. Just because I am currently disliking the setup does not mean you should stop. It's only the second chapter, so we've yet to see where this goes.
2244232
Believe me, they have motives for doing all this. Just kep watching the show, and everything will fall on place.
2244236
I'm just hoping it doesn't turn out like every single other Tyrant!lestia/Tyrant! fic... I'm one of those whom tires of seeing the Princesses being portrayed as jerks... That said, I am also hoping it's not a stupid 'test of character' thing, because if so? That's just... stupid.
2244252
Well, I think that considering her dead in front of her is a little too rash on poor Twilie even for Celestia for being just a test.
And I understand you, I love all the Princesses and I don't like when they are evil, just because they are evil.
Ok, this story is unfair for mane 6, I mean, mane 6 are not 6 pony army, they are group of nomral ponies, they are talented, but they are not powerful Alicorns, they are teenage mares, they only big ADVANTAGE are elements of harmony, and it is only to KO super villains, not to fight army, whats more if one of element bearers is captured or killed, it is over.
Elements are glass canon, they can hit hard but they can be easy killed or destroyed.
Now lets see they enemy, they foe is tactic expert with entire army with him, mane 6 managed to beat 100 changelings before they got defeated, so why would it be different for them to fight entire army of big well trained soldiers ?
My questions are: Why elements once again go alone, why there are no guards who protect the only mares what can use the most powerful weapon in Equestria, why princesses do not accompany them, so princesses have no elements, big deal, they are still powerful, so what is the big deal for one of princesses to go with elements to protect them, why it is so hard to send trained expendable guards to protect elements instead of sending 6 very important mares to fight again army, why 6 teenage ponies are expected to fight better then 100 soldiers, it is unfair enough they had to do everything alone, it make no sense that they do not have help or escort.
" I know that Celestia ordered me to not intervene, but I could not let my only friend to be hurt "
Even better, not only Celestia do not help mane 6, not only she not send escort, but she also tell everyone to not help them, yea, send 6 most important ponies into enemy territory with tons of traps and soldiers where they can not use elements.
Also if 6 teenage ponies can defeat army, why Canterlot with entire Garnizon would be in danger, if 6 mare can win, why not 1000 trained soldiers ?
Your story is good, but I hate that in every story mane 6 have to do dirty work alone, why no one make them finally get some help, why no one see how unfair it is to send 6 teenage mares into danger without any escort, mane 6 are glass canon, they can not fight armies, it make no sense to make them do everything alone.
" What he is talking about? Me, stronger than Princess Celestia? That’s impossible! She’s an immortal alicorn! She’s the ruler of all ponykind! "
Yea, ruler who not help, who is not even accompanying you on your mission, who sit on her throne when you risk your life, ruler who can not win a fair fight and expect you to beat enemies far more powerful then you.
I understand that most of army was ready to invade Canterlot, but if mane 6 was able to fight again King and his elite guards, why would 2 powerful Alicorns with entire army of Royal Guards not repel this invasion, not to mention that mane 6 succeed while enemy knew they weak-point.
This is the only issue I find in this story, but this one always annoy me.
MOAR OF THIS, NOW!!
----------------------------------------
And what the hell, Luna? Just because you have reasons for locking her up doesn't mean you have to be so cruel! You make me cry for Twilight!
I just hope this turns out OK. I don't like where it's going so far.
------------------------------------------
Anyway, all considered, this is amazing! Keep it up!
2244225
I'm not hating the piece or her work, it is a solid work of art. I'm just saying she's not the nicest person when it comes to other traditional or digital artists. As for critique, she doesn't critique. If you ask her for one she bashes. That is literally the only word that can apply to it. There isn't a single smidgen of "Do this, it will help your art look better" involved.
Not that I wish to dissuade the use of her art, or any art for that matter, I just think people are entitled to know each other fully.
2245537
I love a good discussion with a reader. Alright, I will give you my motives for everything.
First, you already answered the bigger motive: Grogar stationed the huge part of his army around Canterlot. They were just waiting for his order to invade. They were greater in numbers, had much more combat experience (different from the changeling army) and were physically superior to the troops. If Celestia would send some soldiers to help them attack the core of the enemy force, what chance they would have? The mane six would need a huge battalion to invade Tambelon at their side to make a real difference, then comes the motive number two.
Second, a bigger group is easily spotted. With just the small group formed by the elements, they could get past the minimal security around Tambelon and enter the city easier, taking advantage of Grogar's over confidence, fact that Celestia knew from their previous battle.
Third, even if Grogar knew all about them, he still feared the elements as a force able to destroy him. That's why he tried a mind game, showing in front of them and using the weak spots of the girls against them, but he would fail anyway, because of the forth motive. Now imagine how many innocent ponies Grogar could take advantage to blackmail the girls if they were accompained...
Forth, their unique bond. The mane six are long time friends, with a special connection to each other. They are a winning team, but only because they faced the enemies together. With other ponies around, they could get distracted, or their good hearts would make them try to defend those unknown ponies, exposing them to danger.
Celestia and Luna needed to command the troops on Canterlot, and stay to ease the mind of their people. If you saw your ruler leaving the sit of power, during a war, would you stay calm?
Now about Discord. He's the spirit of chaos, and his powers are too dangerous to be used at a such delicate situation. Also, Celestia's grasp upon him is very loose, and we all know it from the end of the episode.
I hope those are enough to answer your questions, and ease your mind mate! Thank you for reading the story!