• Member Since 30th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen May 26th, 2023

Aeondragon


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Three years after she first gained the Element of Magic, Twilight learns that it has a whole lot more in mind for her than being a simple librarian. Twilight falls into a coma to adjust to her new abilities and Celestia follows her to try and help. Unfortunately, while the sun goddess is away, monsters come out to play. An unexpected enemy declares war on Equestria while the princess sleeps. When Twilight awakens to a new world, will she be able to save it with her new powers?

Updates will be highly sporadic. I am going to need a plethora of OCs, so please submit them either as comments or PMs. You will be credited for your suggestions.

The title is a work in progress, as is the description. I may change to mature rating later, depending on the content of future chapters. This is an experimental first pony fic, so we'll see where it goes.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 91 )

EQUESTRIA'S TWILIGHT IS DEAAAAD

/batman

Shows quite a bit of promise, I really think you should continue this. Also, there are a few things I think should be fixed.

Fortunately, her superior eyes had

That "Superior eyes" seems a little redundant to me, not to mention that it gives off a little bit of the "mary sue" vibe, at least to me.

Unfortunately, her own power was simply insufficient to suppress the magical energies that were pouring forth from her student.

Celestia is the alicorn of the sun, I think she'd be a little more disturbed that a trick that worked without so much as forcing her to blink the first time is utter useless right now. That she takes it in stride like this "Oh, seems like I, one of the five most powerful beings in Equestria, can't suppress the power surge of my student whom is weaker than me." It stands to reason that she would be confused, shocked and worried.

“Sister? Art thou alright?” Luna asked hesitantly. “How doth our friend Twilight Sparkle fare?”

Why is she still using her archaic speech pattern? It's been at least six years (if you count every season as a year) since she was released from Nightmare Moon's embrace, that should be more than time enough to adjust to the modern way of speaking. There's also several episodes that show us that Luna has learned to speak "normally". Sleepless in Ponyville being one.

faithful student’s powers?

You can do with just "Student's". If you tag titles on every pronoun it'll get tiring very soon.

“You have been asking me to take a larger role in governing our country."

This sentence is phrased as if Celestia is telling Luna that Luna had asked Celestia to take on a larger role. I'd suggest re-writing it to something along the lines of "You have been asking me to let you take a on a larger role in governing our country."

Not only did she have to perform a 270 degree turn immediately after breaking through the barrier

Typo? I believe it is 180, not 270.

She winced at his scream, the spear piercing right through one of his wings.

I know she's all panicky and all but sheesh... Talk about attempting to kill without hesitation. This is not so much an error as it is something I just think is a little strange.



Also, if you want an OC, another pegasus that is "Loyal to Equestria" as Rainbow says she is, I have one you're free to use. Just gimme a shout if you wanna see the sheet I have for her :twilightsmile:

...And don't you dare delete this :pinkiecrazy:

2865915
That entire section was designed to emphasize just how different Celestia is from ordinary ponies. It's going to be a big deal later. I've seen many stories that have pegasi with better vision, and Alicorns are more than just unicorns with wings.

Celestia sees Twilight as a daughter in this story. She's absolutely confused and worried, but she has had thousands of years of practice suppressing her emotions. She wasn't willing to let that slow her down.

Um... I didn't mean to put it in all the time. I meant to only have it in there when she was surprised or angry. I'll fix that. I was kind of on autopilot when writing most of this.

I tend to use a lot of phrases like that in my writing. Are they really that annoying?

Yeah, there was supposed to be an 'on' there. That's what I get for writing on the phone.

No, 270 is correct. She didn't just turn around, she basically did a backflip. The idea of this trick is that it's basically a + shaped Rainboom, one horizontal and one vertical. She needed the full 270 degree turn because she needed a moment to slow down.

Yeah, I wasn't too happy with that either. She wasn't aiming to hit him at all, just to get him away from her. Her aim is a bit better than she was prepared for is all. I made a quick edit. Besides, a hit to the wings isn't fatal when they're standing on the ground.

Yes please! Any OCs are welcome. There's going to be a lot more pegasi on the other side, but a number will remain loyal too.

Thanks for liking the story! :twilightsmile:

2866173
1 - It's alright to want to emphasize that Celestia is very different from normal ponies, but it can be done in ways that don't seem, well, weird like that. I think using "Sharp" instead of "Superior" would make it less awkward, at least to me.

2 - Suppressing it is all fine and dandy, but you're using the omniscient third person narrative, so we will have insight into her thoughts which would require a bit more description as to what her reaction is. She can suppress her emotions all she wants on the outside, but it's impossible to keep your emotions completely in check. If something surprises you, you will get surprised despite not showing it outwardly.

3 - That's fair enough, maybe add a little line that describes that she only reverts to Archaic Equestrian when she gets surprised/angered, just to explain why she uses it.

4 - Not so much annoying as they seem unimaginative. I've been knocked on the head for the exact same mistake before, so... :derpytongue2: I just think it'd to better without.

5 - :twilightsmile:

6 - Ah, that makes much more sense. I viewed the rings as being parallel to each other, the second above the first.

7 - Took a look at the edit, now it's clear that she had no intent of killing him. :yay:

As for the OC, I'll send you a sheet for it.

Well, I'm hooked I love how you used enchantments here, also Twilight is quite sly adding it to Rainbows bracelet. I'm just hoping that Celestia is able to get Twilight to wake up soon.:twilightsmile: also the Wonderbolts are now just pawns? I thought they were proud warriors of Equestria, :facehoof: guess not.

Loving the fic as it is for now.

This definitely has potential, can't wait to see more.

By the way, are non pony OC's cool with you. Like say, a griffon?

2867074
Yup. Pretty much any of the more common races are cool. Besides, do you really think that other countries are going to just sit there with a civil war going on in Equestria? :rainbowlaugh:

The title of this story is already taken by another, though the story's been collecting dust for over a year now. Not telling you to change your title or anything. Just pointing it out. Please don't kill me.

2867114
True, and I hope it's not all, "Let's invade the country while the rebellion happens!" Celestia is an old hand in the game, she must have formed some alliances that'll stick.

Also, there's the whole saving the world thing going on for Equistria. That has to give them some points. Not too mention you'll never know when another unspeakable evil is going to pop up and needs to be zapped by the friendship ray. Better stay on the good side of the pony wielders.

I'll send you a PM soon with my OC suggestion.

2867313
... I was not aware of that. :facehoof: I guess I should probably try and think of something else then. Thanks for the FYI.
You shall be spared. For now.:twilightsmile:

Edit: Changed the name now. Not completely happy though. If I think of anything better, I might change it again.

2867427 Ah, Equestria's Twilight, how I miss thee so....

OH MY GOD!!!!! That was even better than I thought it would have been. There were a few grammar mistakes, but I don't really care about that.

I can't wait to see what you can do with my OC. 1 more thing I should let you know about him; he is in charge of all the weather in Canterlot.

Can't wait for more.

-Bringer of Despair.

That story picture...... It looks painful.

I love this story! I can't wait for more!

The wonderbolts revolting is very original, good job!

You do what you have to do. And characters do tend to do and say things you never thought they would if your a good author :)

Huzzah, new chapter :rainbowwild:

Also, there are two things I'd like to bring to your attention. The first is that Luna seems a little too... "loud" here. I'd imagine her to appear much calmer and indifferent when fighting, rather than almost shout insults and so on. Luna is the night, calm, mysterious, dangerous.

The other thing is that I would encourage you to add some more information as to why this rebellion is happening. This info could come in the form of a prisoner, perhaps, or a pegasus that chose to join the Equestrian side that was "in" on the whole rebel-thing for the Pegasi.

2874736
Luna only spoke to her opponents to intimidate them after the fight. She was trying to scare them away from attacking again. It was pretty much entirely a show on her part. I pictured her as more mocking than insulting.

Explanations are coming soon. This was Luna's POV, and I don't see her as being much of an interrogator if she doesn't have to be one. Besides, who knows if the canon fodder actually knows anything?

2874801
I know this was an interlude of sorts, I was just saying that explanation for it should come at some point :pinkiesmile:

And while mocking speeches may be intimidating sometimes, I find it scarier to stand in front of someone that just mops the floor with you while hardly saying anything.

2874817
Normally I'd agree, but she was using the whole speech to claim to possess abilities that she actually doesn't have. Namely, omniscience at night. She wouldn't have let him go if it hadn't been for wanting her enemies to think that.

“Oh this?” Rainbow asked, raising her hoof to show the bracelet more clearly. “Twilight made it for me, apparently. It… well, it somehow it fired off one of my Rainbooms when I was trapped back in Cloudsdale.”

It… well, it somehow it fired.
is it supposed to be like that?

otherwise good chapter hope to see the next one soon.:twilightsmile:

2875722 your welcome:twilightsmile: stuff like that tends to get past most inspections for some reason.

This story is awesome. sorry, short on time. cannot give bigger nicer comment. bye.

"Where are the trumpets? Trumpets were promised to announce the counts arrival."

Guess the quote, get a cookie.:twilightsmile:

That brings me to a issue though, if they're discussing strategy, where are the commanders, generals, nobles, etc?

Besides that, it's all good.

I'm liking this story so far. Let's see where this goes from here. I'll send you my oc's so you can use them if you want. ^v^

2877647
Robots, I think. I expect my cookie to be delivered promptly. :twilightsmile:
This was more of a private discussion after everyone else already went home. Remember, it was at night. Don't worry, you'll get your generals, officials, and nobles.
Glad you like it! :twilightsmile:

2890087
You're right, Robots. And about the cookie......

coedmagazine.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/cookie-monster-2.jpg

...I'll have to get back to you on that.

The pacing feels a bit quick, okay very quick. Despite that, this is going well so far. Not so sure about those Rainbow juice bomb clouds thing though.

I mean, RD has some falling off her house and the weather factory kept them in open unsecured vats that the general public could just waltz up. Not too mention Pinkie had eaten some without exploding before....

2890239 But that's Pinkie Pie, silly! :pinkiehappy:

2890374
I can see her surviving said explosion without harm, maybe a comical harmless in body explosion, but not the explosion not happening at all.

Keep the outline it helps Demand that you at least have certain things going in the story.
Anyway Epic Twilight magic fighting rendition.:twilightsmile:

With her new look Twi will need no more candle! o/

The only thing I have about Twilight is how she seems so at ease with killing. Sure, none of them really died, but using force that is easily lethal should be something she'd be a little hesitant about.

No matter how much time you spend training and/or learning, you'll never be ready to kill. The only thing one can grow accustomed to it and do it with ease is if you've done is several times. Sure, she may have spend 7 weeks with Celestia in the dreamscape, training and what not, but the killing part is something she will be hesitant about.

2891018
Huh? It wasn't lethal force at any point. None of her spells had the power to kill, except when she exploded the clouds, then she saved them. Even the earthquake was completely controlled.
I tried to make it clear that she WAS horrified by the possibility of killing. And she has been in battles before, so she shouldn't freeze up. Trust me, it'll be a big deal if she actually does kill some pony.

2890239
I've seen exploding liquid rainbows in a couple of other stories and came up with this idea. I'm going to say that there are two types of the stuff. Refined, which is safe, and unrefined, which explodes.

2891229
I never picked up on her being terrified of killing, and even while she saved that guy from the explosion, the original spell still produced lethal force.

You need to work a bit on it if you want to convince the readers that Twilight is horrified by the prospect of killing others, because I didn't pick up on it at all. All I saw was Twilight taking a stroll out of the dome and then beating the living snot out of those pegasi. No hesitation.

2891249
Yes, she did. There was no hesitation because they were threatening her home after nearly killing her best friend. She may not have made it clear, but she was pissed. For reasons that will be explained later, her emotional reactions are being carefully suppressed.

2891291
Suppressed or not, I have always viewed it as necessary to make the emotional state of a character clear if you're using the omniscient third person narrative, which you are. We see what's going on in Twilight's head, so when some things aren't described, we have no reason to believe that they are there.

Jeez laweez Twilight... OVERKILL much!?

2890384 It's a stooorrry, they can stray from canon. Maybe it's a special kind of rainbow!

2891433
He did say that actually, but only in the comments.

Also, it is fine to stray from cannon but it has to make sense. A bomb seemingly made from just a cloud container and a substance shown to be safe and widespread does not make sense.

He explained to me it was treated rainbow juice, however he should include that explanation in the story itself.

2891340 The best kind of kill. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Sketchy Markks deleted Jul 18th, 2013

2891924 That's what I said. :duck: THE OTHER GUY SAID CANNON.

2891495 GRAMMAR NAZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

canon* (official storyline)

A cannon is a cylindrical metal device that fires spheres of iron with the combustion of a highly flammable substance.

2893043
Well, it's nice to have the definition of the thing I'm aiming at your house. Thank you for that.:trollestia:

2893056 Sorry Sir, you seem to not be canon in my life's story.:twilightoops:

2893424
Oh really?, but if you look closely at the script right here....closer now......Smack.:trollestia:

2893439 Why you naughty little fiction you.....:pinkiegasp:

2893475
Just wait for the sensual versions to come out.:rainbowwild:

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