- Member Since 28th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 12th, 2017
RainbowFlash96
If cows go "moo", why don't moose go "coo"?
RainbowFlash96
Joined 28th Feb, 2013 ·
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could use some major editing, other than that, not too bad.
This really got me interested.
let me give you you're 30th thumbs up
>>NocturneD85 WOW 30th like thanks!
Wonderful story I can't wait to read more
Just some things for you to look at:
* Hasn't is a contraction, combining the words "has not" (It is not spelled hasen't)
* The first few paragraphs read like you copied your character's history into your story. (Good writers will often introduce information gradually, through story events)
* I see a lot of tense switching. This was the thing that made me stop early. Honestly I think you should write in past tense. Present tends to read awkward.
Hopefully this helps. On the positive note you had me hooked for a bit... then stuff happened. Keep at it!
Learn to... live?
Its just a figure of speech. Well she's not really dead, she can still walk and talk, she's just not with her body anymore
Steben thanks for the comment I'll try and fix some of the mistakes
Cool twist.
I am hoping that if this leads to Twilight's return that it takes more than just a pop back to Equestria. She used dark magic to kill herself and the Princesses never expect to see her again. That said, her return should cost her more than a moment of remorse and some sad friends. They seem to be taking her loss too easily in my opinion. Also, I feel like the princesses ought to explain a little more than "Twilight found some spells King Sombra made and killed herself intentionally". Why did Sombra create those spells? How do the Princesses know what they do? Why did Twilight Sparkle want to die. Has Luna done the same to herself in the past? I mean, surely being in the state of mind that led to NMM, Luna might have considered suicide at least once. It would help make the story better if you would, among other things, write more story to explain her state of mind (as in actual events along the way, etc). As it is, it seems like Twilight just got extra depressed one day and offed herself. The story is almost too thin on detail to actually feel the transition from happy go lucky Twilight Sparkle to the-world-hates-me-and-ignores-me-...Twilight Sparkle.
Just hoping this story will get better.
I suggest changing " This voice.... Equest, was an alicorn." to "The voice, Equest, was an alicorn!" since Equest is an alternate name (clarifies "the voice") for the voice and you are wanting to convey surprise at this sudden intuitive leap. Really it ought to be "had demonstrated the traits of harmony" or something like that since the "Elements of Harmony" is a proper noun and he acted in a certain way. He didn't show her some magical manifestations of harmony or anything.
See:
In any case, interesting idea at some level. You just need to flesh out the story a little.
2275326 Thanks for the comment and for helping me with my writing. I will try to explain the details more in the next chapter.
Oh, this is really nice. I've always been interested in the afterlife subject. And this story has a great idea.
I got really suspicious when he said she could call him Equest. I mean, Equest? A few moments after he mentioned Equestor? Seriously, those names are too similar.
I also found alot of yours, when it's supposed to be you're or you are. And some normal errors with some words that everyone's done once in their lives.
Here, have some moustaches for your work.
So Twilight's friends made excuses not to come and see her... but when she dies it affects them greatly... geez, kinda reminds me of The Last Party
Bottomline
Her friends suck
How do you dare only letting me give one single thumbs up!?
Better. :) Not sure why you put the details of Twilight's suicide here instead of earlier, but it's good to see some of it. What do you think of the notion of Twilight having the option of staying? Equestor and Lunesta seem in an awful hurry to send her back given their letting her choose the path earlier.
Hmm, canon cards say that cadence and shing make up the element of love, so then the crystal heart is psyical form of it
2305087
Good point, however before the crystal empire disappeared and sombra took over, princess cadence and shining armor were not there O_o
Just for curiousity's sake, could the other Alicorns return if they wanted to, or is that only the case if they killed themselves?
im normally not a patient person but for this story i can make an exception for this one because it is so good
for you i give you 5 happy twilights
and five happy pinkies 
2321177
Only Twilight not because she killed herself, that was the same spell that killed the other alicorn, but because she is so closely related to the elements of harmony.
2321190
Thanks! yeah I'm sorry for the delay, school gets in the way sometimes
2321253 i understand i myself am still in school but this is my last year of high school
2321326
Ha lucky, i still got this year and next. Hopefully things will start to slow down but this is junior year which= nope!
2321423 not really things dont actually slow down till the last month or 2 of your senior year
2321473
Okay... so now the next update will be in a year.
Just kidding, obviously ponies are more important than school
2321487 lol that was pretty funny but actually things haven't slowed down for me in school because i just moved so its not gonna slow down cuz i gotta work hard to graduate
2322699
Well all the best of luck to you!
2323066 thx i also see you watched me well i have an idea for a story but have no title if you check my blogs you can see my idea
2323447
Cool I'll be sure to check that out!
Oh god, I have cried throughout almost all 7 chapters. Out of all immortal Twilight fics this is definitely my favourite. I hope there will be another chapter soon.
2330841
Thanks! i'm glad you like it! Don't worry I'm working on the next one, its coming!
Ok, just throwing this out there: The "magic" inside of Twilight was what made her an Alicorn and was consumed in the return process.
I hope this isn't turning out to be just an "I didn't like Alicorn Twilight so now she isn't one" story, but anyway...
Ponies are so going to be mad with you Twilight, you've been dead for some time now and then you just pop up and "Oh, Hi guys!"...
2334392
I actually have no problem with alicorn Twilight. Being turned back into a unicorn was sort of the consequence for killing herself
Editing is still needed as well as natural transitions between sections.
I like the story so far. However, some editing is still required in this chapter and last, minor edits though.
2334441 Well, she can just cast the spell again to turn herself back, right? Or does she have a black mark on her permanent record.
2335012
Black mark. Way to go Twilight
That... Was... AWESOME!!
"You just re-killed our friend"
I lost it...
I'm sorry, but Fluttershy is just completely out of character in this chapter. Even if you take into account her assertiveness training (which would have been approximately one or two years before this story), she just doesn't speak with that level of aggression, and it's quite jarring, especially in such an emotive story.
There are a couple of ways to solve this problem:
1. If Fluttershy is in a scene, don't allow her to speak when other characters are present. It's fine if she's on her own (or with animals), but having her speak to other characters just isn't believable. She's Fluttershy, after all.
2. If you really MUST have her in a conversation, use small pink text to denote her speech. This more closely emulates her style of speech from the show.
For example:
Get rid of this line. Fluttershy wouldn't ask a question, she'd just accept the situation quietly and carry on.
This should be:
Otherwise, this was a pretty good chapter, well done!
lol you get 5 no 10 laughing rainbow dashes
If I had written this for AFD, Luna probably would have promptly offed herself too and left them to deal with politicking. Probably would have a random tag to justify that kind of crazy though.
Uh... just read the April Fools chapter and... LOL! :D
And when you just thought that things couldn't possibly more awkward.
2355954
Good point I'll fix that as soon as I can. Thanks for the help
2356327
2397261
Yeah, that chapter was probably the funnest to write.
Geez... Twilight is the one to suffer loneliness and her friends are the ones chewing her out? They suck
2397286
Yup. Her brother is pissed.
2397305
Let's be fair to Shining, he did lose a son/daughter so he is allowed to bitch as much as he wants.
2397310
Honestly, i do not blame him for being angry at Twilight.
2397329
I don't either. This situation is like 'who do you feel more sorry for?' He has every right to be mad at her.
2397344
And Twilight is gonna commit suicide again, starting the whole cycle (She's lonely, ending her life, is brought back to life as a mortal, hated by everypony, end her life)