• Member Since 14th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 5th, 2019

Brilorodion


T
Source

Twilight Sparkle is happy with her life. Although the newly founded Twilit Court presents her with challenges, she can still continue her studies and even discover a new kind of friendship. However, this quickly ends when she suddenly loses a large portion of her memory. Now her friends have to adjust to a Twilight who doesn’t seem to know a thing about friendship. As if all that wasn't enough, a sinister force is pulling strings without anypony being able to unveil the identity of the puppeteer...

"The past catches up to everypony. We try to forget some events, but we do not know what we have lost once they have left our minds. We are no more than the entirety of our memories. Hold on to them, for they are what you are."

- Princess Celestia

Artwork by CosmicUnicorn

Chapters (8)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 78 )

:pinkiegasp: Suspense!

Not bad so far, especially for you first time. I'm a big Twiluna fan and will be definitely be following this one, although I do think that I saw a story that also used Twilight losing her memory as a plot device. I don't think that it was a romance/intrigue fic, however.

Anyway, on to OCD editing time! Just remember that I'm not a professional, and you should double check any recommendations I make with your proofreader.

“Enough!” Twilight was a little startled to her own tone of voice.

(Word choice)

The exhausting discussion with her counterpart, an extremely arrogant noblepony named Radiant Topaz, had been lasting now for almost an hour.

(Word order. Perhaps "had now been lasting" or something similar?)

In the course of the conversation, Twilight had more than once given him the opportunity to withdraw...

(A comma would probably be an improvement there.)

To Celestia and Luna, it was a welcome relief to their duties: while the older sister, who, after a whole day in the court often was too exhausted and enervated to dedicate much attention to the concerns of ponies who so deserved it, the younger sister was known – in internal circles, which now included Twilight – to sleep late, whereby to opening of the Lunar Court wasn't really tied to a fixed time.

(This sentence is a bit confusing and probably a run-on sentence. I'd recommend splitting it up into 2 or 3 sentences.)

Not only did she want to continue to take care of the library, she also refused to move to Canterlot because for nothing in Equestria she let her friends down.

(This phrase is a bit unwieldy, I'd recommend that you rework it.)

Lastly, Twilight had indeed been given wings but that didn't mean she had became a good and certainly not enduring flyer.

(Should be "had become" or "became" instead of "had became," and "a good and certainly not enduring flyer" needs to be reworked. As an example, rerhaps "a strong flyer, and certainly not a an enduring one" would work better.)

“Until a few hours ago, great. I've read three chapters of 'History of Griffica' and then I decryptedt some spells from the book of Starswirl the Bearded.

(Check your spelling here.)

Just as she dreamed of the dark blue alicorn and her sleep seemed to get calmer, she was awakened by a known, distant, but strangely still very loud voice. A few seconds later, the entire castle seemed to be shaken,

(1. Word choice (it sounds akward). 2. Word order (also feels a bit akward). 3. Should be either "shake" or "shaking" or even "have been shaken."
It think this one is probably grammatically correct as it is, but it could be changed to sound better.)

Don't worry about the number of edits I've found; what you've wrote so far is strong, but it does need some polish in places. In addition to these edits, I would recommend breaking up some of your longer paragraphs as to avoid the dreaded "wall-o'-text."

Other than that, if you pay close attention to dialouge and characterization this piece should turn out to be great! :pinkiehappy:

I'd love to serve as a proofreader if you so desire another, so just shoot me a PM if you do.

Hm... interesting. I'm a fan of TwiLuna, and will be keeping an eye on this one.

Thanks a lot for your help!

Suspense!

- If you only knew what I have planned :scootangel:

I do think that I saw a story that also used Twilight losing her memory as a plot device

- Losing memories is a common plot device but I haven't seen a story so far using it for what I intend to do with it.

but it does need some polish in places.

- Problem is, English is not my first language, so with all the proofreading I can get (and which is very much appreciated) there will probably always be some awkward phrases :(

I'm a fan of TwiLuna, but I'm not too sure about this fic. I shall look into it when there's more content.

I read the title of the chapter and thought of the Foo Fighters song of the same name

Hmmm... Leaving on at the start of the rising action...

YOU *breath* ARE *breath* A (put in whatever your mind wants)

Ooh, interesting start. I will be keeping an eye on this. :pinkiehappy:

hard to say where this will be going, i'll see what happens next before i "judge".

Hm. You remind me of myself once, just publishing your first story and having people tell you you're good at it. I personally thought you had the required talent to go far, and even though I did not like the story myself, I wish you all the luck in the world.

this looks like it could be good, be carful with the romance though, I find it can often ruin a story.

Im hoping this will be a story where twilight forgets all about what has happened since she realised nightmare moon was returning and therefore forgets about all her friends, which of course leads to them all seeing how twilight was before she met them.
If anyone knows of any story's like that that alredy exist can you please let me know, I would love to see some.

Very nice. There's many improvements since last chapter, especially with paragraphing. My eyes thank you.

On another note, I would like to out your use of "thee/thou/thy." It's important to note that these words aren't simply old-timey versions of you and your. Thee/thou/thy are all informal conjugations and they're used in informal situations (talking with inferiors or peers.) Interogating a prisioner is definitely not an informal situation.

I'd also like to point out "mustest" and "doeth" are incorrect. Rather, it would simply be "must" and "doth."

Other than the English lesson, you're doing great. I enjoy your characterization and pacing, and you're building suspense rather well.

Keep up the good work!

2416540

Thanks for your comment, it's very much appreciated :twilightsmile:
I tried to fix the archaic phrases, they should be okay now. Really not easy if it isn't your first language :pinkiehappy:

Fantastic chapter, I'm intrigued! Also loving that bit of Luna-Light. :pinkiehappy:

There evening meetings

*Their

Also, your paragraphs are very large and awkward to get through. You might want to consider just splitting some of them in half, to make it less "wall of texty". It's a little overwhelming and several times I found myself losing track of what was happening as a result.

2432344

Well, that's an embarrassing mistake!

Haven't had the time to go through the first chapter again, but the paragraphing is already on my to-do-list.

Finally, the sobs slowly stopped and Luna seemed to calm down a little. She looked at Twilight and spoke probably for hours her first words:

Do you mean

Finally, the sobs slowly stopped and Luna seemed to calm down a little. She looked at Twilight and spoke probably her first words in hours:

I wonder what Luna cast on the house?

I can't do this alone, Twilight. Please... stay with me.

*looks at [Romance] tag*

Yes, stay with her, Twilight.

A story that portrays Celestia as the asshole she is? I like. As for mind control? Never been a fan of that, it's a to easy way to make a story (also like amnesia) like that, it reminds me of that terrible story for starcraft 2 where Blizzard was like: "Kerrigan? pfff... mindcontrol... obviously? EASY-STORY-MODE GO!"

Honestly, I didn't like the two first chapter too much but I like this one, at least that is something :P

Our daughter always is a very light sleeper when her father has to work at night.

Would sound better as "Our daughter has always been a very light sleeper when her father has to work at night." Or "Our daughter is a very light sleeper when her father's working at night." Depends on how you mean it.

Given the horrible events of the evening, Twilight found Luna’s behavior disturbing. She had tried to talk her out of visiting the family, because Warding Moon's death seemed to affect the blue alicorn directly and Twilight was sure it wouldn't help Luna with handling the event if she took the blame on herself. Therefore she had joined the group to keep an eye on her friend and help her.

This feels unnecessary. You've described the situation, and Luna's odd response to it, already. The latter was covered in the previous paragraph, in fact.

The tension that had seized them after the recent events was visible in their faces. Although it was already past midnight and several hours had passed since the incident at the castle, the guards still seemed to be very nervous.

One of these sentences is redundant. I'd suggest picking one and cutting the other.

Luna sighed and let him have his way, while Twilight thought that she probably wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore, after this statement.

"Luna sighed and let him have his way. Twilight thought that she probably wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully anymore, after this statement." Makes it more clear who's having future nightmares. The peaceful thing sounds better to me, but whatever you prefer.

A moment after he had knocked a second time

"After he knocked a second time," and continue.

Then, as if she had just remembered something, she bowed down before Twilight and Luna, who were almost completely hidden by the guards between them.

Seeing as she noticed them when she opened the door, this part seems a little off.

“Their Highnesses, the Princesses Luna and Twilight would like to speak with you. I have to inform you however, that we have to inspect your house beforehand. Otherwise, this conversation will have to take place inside the castle. I am sure though, that it would be in everypony's best interest to stay here.”

Comma after 'Twilight', comma after 'however' is unneeded, as is the one after 'though'. Personal preference again.

“W-What’s going on? Did something happen?” Daisy Garden asked. “Oh, where are my manners?

I'm not entirely sure if this was intentional, as you do point out her confusion later, but this reads awkwardly. I'd suggest she apologizes for her rudeness or the like, forgetting to offer them hospitality.

Daisy Garden immediately went towards the stairs and tried to bring her little filly back to bed.

Might be better as 'send'.

Luna, you're deep in thought all the time, I see it in your face. It was an awful night. Let me help, talk to me. That's what friends are for.”

If you wish to keep the sentence, rewrite as "Luna, you've been deep in thought all night, I see it on your face." or similar. That way, it shows Luna's stressing over the situation, and it doesn't sound like Twilight is pointing out a long running habit of hers.

“What... What does this mean?

'That' would be better.

she walked over to her and wanted to put a hoof on her shoulder.

'Tried', 'made a move', saying she wanted to makes it seem like she did not actually do the action.

She wanted to support Luna and defuse the situation.

A little on the awkward side, the paragraph works without it.

Luna had collapsed on the floor and lay sunk down on the floor,

You say floor twice here.

You also use colons as a segway into someone speaking, and that is honestly the first time I've seen this. Grammatical accuracy is debatable. But again, this is all personal preference on my part, and poorly explained at that. Take or ignore what you wish, mighty writer.

I can't wait for the next update. Poor Luna, she needs some love :fluttercry:.

Hmmmm, I definitely want to see where this is going. Will it eventually be a MoonLight, or will it stay a TwiLuna?

2512254
A good long cuddle is just what the doctor ordered. :heart:

I know that in the show Alicorns are not meant to be invisible, but come on, how could one shot kill Luna, even Nightmare Moon seems to be powerful enough to defeat entire Canterlot army, there is no way a Unicorn can cast spell strong enough to kill her ( if killing pony would be that easy, mane 6 would be dead long time ago instead of saving the world ).

Also how can a trained guard who passed endurance and battle training fall from one hit, more or less not blocking it with weapon.

I hope that it is not one of those stories where Luna or Celestia get defeated by a small group of villains with easy while mane 6 will have to defeat entire army of villains and survive.

2614624

Actually, I never said that the spell would have killed Luna :scootangel: Perhaps there is more behind it? :pinkiegasp:

Also, Warding Moon wasn't hit by the spell if you take a close look.

been waiting for this ending part for 3.9 chapters

wut... was the guard being controlled or something?:rainbowhuh:

It is odd, even as Unicorn Twilight withstood entire episode called ' Pinkie Keen ' where she was damaged everywhere she went, smashed by door, attacked by beez and crushed under very heavy cargo, and yet she endured it without any brain damage.

There is no way alicorn Twilight would lose her memory from royal guard attack ( she fought army of changelings after all ), so I assume this had to be a special spell what was aimed on Twilight mind, it is the only explanation I find that Twilight could lose her memory from normal attack, she is just to tough.

2685838

There are such things as spells...

And on a side-note, very impressive, 4 chapters for character and story development!

2685838

Because plot device. Also, because cartoon logic.

Good chapter keep it up :)

Yay! Another chapter. Things are now getting interesting. I can't wait to see what exactly that spell did or what happened to that guard.

2685969
I know, but by so called cartoon logic, we can just use Twilight as tough pony in a story, if she proved to be very durable in the show ( even if it was meant to be just plot device ).

RainbowDash crashed into stone wall while flying many times, and she even withstand crashing into rock tower Spike made for her, so we can asume that she is a very tough pony.

Rarity and Twilight managed to lift 2 tons TOM and run with it around, so we can assume that despite them being unicorns ( high mp and magic, low strength, hp and stamina ), they are still very strong ( not as strong as Applejack for example but still, and in Rarity episode, one of servants was carrying huge amount of cargo on his back, and in scootalo episode, small sweetie belle was hauling massive cargo for Rarity as well ).

Conclusion: Ponies thanks to magic inside of them are capable to lift objects 20 times more heavy ( unicorns, pegasi ), while earth ponies are best at lifting.
Unicorns telecinesis is they magic muscle what they have in exchange for some of they physical muscles, and in Twilight case, her magic is stronger then Applejack and Bic Mac strength together ( 50 tons Ursa Minor > 25 tons house ).
Considering how badly ponies get damaged often and yet they endure it, we can assume that in RPG terms they have huge amount of hp, and they hp grown as they get hurt more often ( I bet Derpy crash in tons of thinks so she got used to it and she have far more hp then RainbowDash ).

Now fnal conclusion, in canon alicorns have magic of earth ponies ( what make them bigger and give them more strength and stamina ), pegasi magic ( what let them fly ), and unicorn magic ( what over hundreds of years grown above any unicorn level ), long story short, Twilight who already had much hp thanks to her adventures ( saving Equestria give nice exp ), and as alicorn her hp increased since she have earth pony magic inside her.


So long story short, Twilight was tough, as alicorn she is tougher, there is no way she can lose memory after one magic attack unless spell itself was destined to erase her memories, just a personal opinion.

2692798 i would like to tell you that such a thing as exp doesn't actually exist in real life. nothing is said that alicorns are stronger then anything else by nature. id assume that power like that is gained by practice. also non main 6 characters can be strong to with practice. just because she's an alicorn doesn't mean that shes uber buff
conclusion: not sure if trolling or stupid

2692798

Again, plot device. If a writer needs something to happen to a character, it's going to happen. I'm not sure how you're seeing bits and pieces of a show that were intended as plot devices for comedy, pure convenience or slapstick as canon. If that were the case, The Three Stooges are immortal beings.

2692798

This is just... wow.

Ok, first thing: You simply can't take the jokes from the series as facts. Just like AppleBandit pointed out, Rainbow Dash crashing into the stone tower is a joke. If you try to use real logic, Rainbow Dash wouldn't be able to fly after "May the best pet win!", since a huge rock crushed her wing. Twilight got injuries from less dangerous things ("It's about time"). See? Doesn't make sense - and it isn't supposed to make sense. It's a cartoon.

Same goes for ponies lifting heavy things.

In addition, if you strictly stay with canon, it is never said that alicorns are more powerful just because they are alicorns. Sure, Celestia and Luna are more powerful, but their age and experience could also be the reason for that. From all we know, alicorns could just be flying unicorns, nothing more (canon-wise.)

Finally, you rant about something that doesn't make sense at all regarding my story, but you also know what really happened: "unless spell itself was destined to erase her memories". Did I write Twilight got hit by a rock and lost her memories afterwards? I don't think so. I think I wrote something about a spell hitting her head. I could be wrong though...
Sorry if I'm getting a bit sarcastic, but your comments don't make any sense in my eyes :rainbowhuh:

Anyway, I hope you can still enjoy my story, even if you don't like "stories with love between two mares" or "Celestia or Luna making stupid decysions" (yes, even an immortal princess can make a mistake...).

2692895

I see that everyone started to get very angry on my comments, fine, I will not post them any longer if it cause everyone to pick on me.

As for stories, I did not liked shipping stories in the past, but I am starting to like them, especially stories with Twilight and RainbowDash or Twilight and Luna.

Also, I have nothing again Celestia and Luna doing stupid decysions from time to time, however in majority of fanfics I read so far, Celestia and Luna are: useless, never helping, do more good then bad or put away from the action with excuses, and it really annoy me.
If you want Luna to make mistakes in your story, go right ahead, as long as you wont make her weak and useless to level where powerful princess of the night will need to be rescued by mane 6, or if Luna will be so useless that she would not help Twilight or her friends when they are in danger ( this would really ruin your story for me ).

2692876
The Three Stooges ARE immortal... they will live forever in my heart :heart:
:twilightsmile:

2693918

Well, you do have me there, I suppose.

OMG SERISIOLY IN THE GRET PART OF THE STORY AND YOU END IT YOU CREATE A NEW CHAPTHER SOON:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

also most ponies still did not see Equestria as diarchy

I don't know how high Twi is on the power ladder, but if she has her own court in which she makes the decisions, wouldn't it seem more like a triarchy?

2934106

In my head, Celestia and Luna rule the country. Twilight helps, but she doesn't rule like the other two do. But you're right, it could be confusing. Maybe I'll make it clearer :)

And thus the illogical logicalness of cartoons, video games, books, movies, etc. has struck again! Now, I am going to say this nic-er I meant to say meanly. (For a dramatic effect.) WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO UPDATE THIS STORY?!!!!!?!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!