cxzyzx
Joined 13th May, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interestingly done. Very well done, loved every second of it.
Well done although sadly not enough back story, not that it needs it but your writing can obviously handle a more in depth story,
(Joke) Alt. Title: The Rainbowmac Tree
[sarcasm]Wait. A hetrosexual clopfic? I hope these don't catch on.[/sarcasm]
Hmm... sex for the point of sex.
Lack of well... ANYTHING! Lovers? WTF? Where did that come from?
good but make it longer.
I wish I knew what Apple Jack thinks
Feels forced for the sake of being straight.
2063709
Aren't most clopfics that way?
Personally, I think this was way too short. Any sex scene itself should be at least a thousand words, anywhere from 1 to 4. You can not have a story and sex in only 1.5k
Either way. Rainbow seems incredibly slutty, and there is no explanation why. I don't know if this is from my lack of knowledge, or if you're just crazy but, I didn't think unsheathing caused a 'hissing sound'.
I gotta say, this could have been really good, but it feels like you really rushed it. I would have enjoyed this much much more had you sat down and written this out into something longer and less wham bam thank you ma'am.
I feel that you could have done better, it just doesn't seem to look like you tried too hard, like you just wanted it done and over with.
2063926 Sounds like a medical problem Big Mac needs to have looked at. I doubt the sound of "coming out" sounds like a sword being pulled from its scabbard.
2063953 Oh god... I'm just imagining that now.
*shwick!*
The mare blinked. "What was that?"
He crossed his legs. "Nothing."
2063968 Let's just say he's gotten an "edge" up on her now.
2063975
You have my boner...er like. I meant like! Heh.
2063926
Hey, you're mostly right. This was something that came out in about 2 hours which I wrote for fun, in between working on Rose Luckless, a real attempt at a well-driven story.
Thanks to everyone who read this silly thing.
2064787 like I said, the difference here between good and pretty damn good is just your lack of effort here.
You write pretty well, but...
Yeah.
2063872 I believe this image should explain everything.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-RnRmj4UOwOQ/TVmN45a9ztI/AAAAAAAABXc/jkMRVLfsDOk/s1600/dash+not+a+lesbian.jpg
My job is done here.
Wait shes in heat? Uh oh looks like Mac has a kid on the way
2063926 it clearly says why she's being so slutty
Nice, hot! Thumbs up!
I know it's short, but for some reason it doesn't feel that way. Good job!
Nice story set up and I do like brevity in my porn, but the prose was fucking dire. Protip: you're writing porn, and porn is heavy on imagery. Imagery depends on the words you use. And when you use words like:
'Plunging' is not a sexy or erotic word. What's a plunger? A silly looking device to unplug blocked sinks, that makes disgusting farty noises when you use it. Still, it doesn't kill this sentence entirely.
'Dripping crack,' on the other hand? Dripping crack?!
Oh come on!
How do you not notice the foul imagery that phrasing brings up? 'Dripping haunches' works. 'Dripping sex' works. 'Dripping pussy' works. Hell, even 'Dripping nethers' works. Brings up an image of female genitalia soaked with arousal. So far so good.
But dripping crack? Yes, crack refers to the divide between your buttocks, but it's also a term for the anus. If a girl tells you to stick it in her crack, she's explicitly telling you to bugger her and implicitly telling you to wear a thick condom while doing so. A 'dripping crack' does not refer to a vagina dripping with love fluids. It refers to a dripping anus. There is only one substance that typically drips from an anus, and I'm fairly sure that's not the type of erotica you're aiming for here.
I mean seriously, this stuff isn't difficult or complicated. It just requires editing your work for half an hour after you write it and removing all the sentences that kill your wood/ladywood and make you double over laughing.
2065220 well that is a very funny pic u have there
Buy your own personal 'Steam-powered-Big-Mac'. xD
First off, I entirely agree with Chuckfinley.
Second,
"Macintosh also got up, following her. He reared and threw his fore-hooves over her shoulders, insterting his rod into her marehood as he settled in place, determined to live up to the 'Big' in his name."
I'm not sure if this was supposed to be errotic or funny, but I just laughed. A majority of the story wasn't even sexy if you ask me cause the visuals in this story weren't exactly strong. Somethings along the lines of "Sibling Rivalry" and "Princess Molestia" are perfect examples of clop-fics without getting into the more mature details. If it had, it would be insanely errotic, so I reccomend you ask a few friends or try writing something more visual.
Personally I wasn't crazy about the Rainbow Dash x Macintosh idea, but that's just me.
2067266 2073140
I always appreciate constructive criticism, so I thank you both for thoroughly typed up comments. However, there does seem to be some misunderstanding.
I'm going to assume that this is your perspective:
-Complete story
-1500 words
-Clopfic
-Sure, why not
Here's my perspective:
-tagged "Romance" and "Comedy"
-2 hours of writing, exercise between bouts of working on a 'real' story
-Wrote to amuse myself
-Sure, why not publish
There's some rough up in this piece, sure. Some poor word choice, perhaps. Maybe the timing was wrong on a lulzy part, or the word 'crack' was used instead of 'plot', but if you found yourself aroused or amused during the 3-9 minutes it took to read this, I consider my job done.
I understand however, how one might expect more polish to be put on a story before it's published. I apologize for lower standards on occasion, and will leave it at that.
Spectrum, there's some good Rainbowmac floating around. Don't shove it based off this.
Chuck, maybe I'm into that kind of thing
Thank you for your time and a good day to you, gents.
I like it
That was the fastest hot sex about ponies I've ever read.
Pretty good
This was so rushed. Why isn't this 10'000 MILLION words!?
Don't get me wrong, though. I loved every second of this. I adore straight Rainbow Dash shipping, and this was certainly no exception. It only took me five minutes to read this, but I relished every second. I'm impressed with how well this works, given your word constraint. You should do more like this.
2142158
That's the reason why I like you
2370048
Giving praise where praise is due.
I'm such an ass-kisser