CandyHeart3
Joined 6th Mar, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Progresses a bit fast, it gets into it too quickly. Your grammar is a bit off, you may want to dedicate some time to editing or finding a loyal editor. All I really got out of this in the end was AJ Leaves, really quick sex, AJ catches them.
Which sux0rz.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/25729195.jpg
GOTTA GO FASTER
needs improvement.
Idea's good.
Execution needs improvement, though.
I find it...alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/obama-not-bad-l.png
lol apple jack wit jizz on her face lol ewwwwwww
Umm...
A for effort?
I see a good amount of potental in you, all it needs is a little refining.
And no Big Mac-cumming-on-Applejack-ever. But, that's just me.
If you would like a pre-reader (editings a no-go, spelling kicks my ass) I would be happy to help.
this was weird, but funny. not sure why dash jizzed rainbow but oh well. damn apple jack being a cock blocker.
This needs a sequel
All I can really say is... Wow. But in a good way! Like Mayojar77 said, it needs some improvement, but overall, I give a solid B, with a "Not Bad," stamp of approval.
Hey, that was pretty good, I don't normally read a story that I can laugh at, but I sure did this time!
Only thing I don't understand is A; the Rainbow Cum... I take it was just a joke, but hey.. that's all you. B; How the fuck did Big Mac cum on rainbow and applejacks face, at the same time.
Other than that, verry good for a first timer.