When Braeburn forgets something in his visit to Ponyville, Rainbow Dash goes flying after his train to give it back, only to find out Big Mac is on the trip with him. With the Appleloosan going to the restrooms, they argue- until their car, the last one of the train's line, is mysteriously cut off. Lost in the desert, they now have to survive a ghost town, a pair of ancient, cursed bracelets, Las Pegasus, one very mad scientist, so much more, and, most of all, each other. But there may also be more to their story, like three pairs of hooves looming over their destiny. First, though, they're gonna need to get back to Ponyville.
It's my first MLP fan fiction, but I do so appreciate feedback.
Chapters (5)
Okay...
Keep it up
It has been a while since I read a story, and I got to say: This story is bucking great.
Finally, a good story.
You've earned my fav and like.
And screw the person that disliked this, this is great.
The simplicity of this story of yours is just great, the flow of the story is great as well.
I would go into greater detail, but its late, and I don't feel like it.
You get a 7/7 asses.
I'll keep an eye on this one before handing out constructive criticism.
Watch your step, here.
Keep writing.
A decent premise, good grammar, fair pacing.
You have yourself a new watcher.
Personally, I would space out the dialouge a bit with detail. I like to spruce up words with actions and changes in descriptions like expressions. Nothing's wrong with your style, it's just how I tell things.
Speaking of which, as Mayojar said, you're doing very fair so far. Look sharp, though, because the rest of the group is gonna be looking at it.
Keep writing.
Okay, so this story has a lot of promise! The pacing is done pretty well, and the characters are more or less accurate. The only thing holding this fic back are a few word errors (i.e. the wrong word, like when Mac said: Is that discontent in your voice? Disappointment would have worked better in that respect.) Also, you tend to overdo the Apple accent to the point where it's a bit distracting. If your readers know one of the Apples are speaking, really the only thing you have to change about their dialogue is Ah in place of I, and you can leave of the -g in words like runnin' climbin' and so on. Other than that, this is one of the better Mac Dash stories I've come across, and I do hope you continue it!
Also, since this is your first pony fic, and editor would really help you catch those little errors I mentioned and overall just improve the flow of the narrative. Anyway, I'm looking forward to more!
oooh you have GOT to update soon!
Poptart? That is... Wonderful...
A lot of cute, plenty of embarrassing, and a big ol' heapin' helpin' of possible backstory.
Hmn, not bad.
Maps are always a buzzkill.
It's a Ghost Town
Uh what?
damn Map!!!
Here's the two referenced videos
(20% cooler version)
[youtube=HL7wPkZJDQg]
[youtube=pTPqjKk_xCo]
not bad
1930931 Actually, discontent is basically when you're not happy with something. It fits there.