• Member Since 13th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 11th, 2013

Bellum


E

Big Mac was a simple farmer who could go through life with little excitement or, at least, that's what he thought. Then, a strange merchant by the name of Silver Dollar offered him a deal he couldn't refuse--an adventure around the world, and he is not alone. A group of colorful characters joined the farmer on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. However, they would soon learn that the tales are sometimes better then the real deal, and that the world has many secrets that should be left alone.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 4 )

I would recommend putting blank lines between paragraphs. Makes it a lot easier to read.

This review brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors.

Story Name: A Choice.
Grammar Score:: 8 out of 10.

Pros:
- Excellent characterization of Big Mac.
- Vivid, well-crafted descriptions.
- Intriguing premise that hooks the reader.

Cons:
- Some of Big Mac's inner thoughts don't make sense. Why would you plow a field without knowing what you're going to plant there first?
- You don't italicize characters' thoughts. That's a stylistic issue, admittedly, and I've read works that didn't italicize thoughts that were wonderfully written, but in this story I had trouble deciphering where impartial narration ended and a character's inner speech began.

Notes:
Interesting story, and one I'll definitely keep my eye on! I especially enjoyed Big Mac's characterization, it's really easy to mess up his character but I think you got him pretty good.

I would recommend possibly getting a cover image to spice things up. It never hurts!

And finally, your grammar is generally good, but I think I'd point of some of the errors I noticed:

- "early raisers" should be risers.

- "Suspended from the arch by thin iron chains, was a wooden board, a portion of it carved out to form an apple." I'd cut out the comma.

- "Until the the problem was solve" should be solved.

There were others, these were just the ones I thought of off the top of my head. Good luck on the rest! And thanks for reviewing my story!

Good to see this story update again!

I found myself kind of confused as to the mixing of Equestrian settings and real-world ones. I didn't question it last chapter because with Silver Dollar standing on his hind legs, I thought he'd be a transformed human traveling in Equestria. Now it seems that isn't the case; so in this fic, is Equestria a location in an AU, pony-filled Earth?

Also, the fact that Cheerilee would just let three fillies skip class (especially to go with a stranger she barely knows because he seems to be nice) is really questionable behavior on her part. If I was AJ, I'd find Apple Bloom a new teacher on the spot.

Don't let my nitpickings distract you--I hope to see more activity from you.

Seem promisin promi... you know what I mean.

When is the next chapter

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