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One would think that the wounded Trixie would appreciate Twilight Sparkle taking her in to nurse her back to health. But for some ponies, leaning on someone else isn't so easy. Their crossing of paths sets them both on a journey that neither of them would've expected...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hi everyone,
This is my first fimfiction so I'm eager to hear what people think of it! Any feedback you can offer (good or bad) would be appreciated.
I plan on starting Chapter Two very soon (tomorrow), though I am considering a re-write of the first 400~ words in this Chapter because I'm not sure I'm happy with them.
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy (or enjoyed) the Chapter!
P.S. Could anyone tell me the name of Ponyville's 'doctor pony'? The one I mean appears in Episode 4: Applebuck season, about 15 minutes in, but I don't think her name was mentioned. It's not something I need desperately, I just thought it might help readers understand that I'm talking about that pony in particular, rather than one I invented.
I believe that would be "Nurse Redheart".
This seems to be well written, and I'll be tracking.
I remain a little skeptical though, since this ship has sailed so many times. It won't be easy to bring something new into it.
Your writing is superb so it gave me plenty of reason to read through the whole thing. Also, there were nice touches of humor sprinkled throughout which brought a chuckle now and then.
Mechanics are fine but Zobeid makes a good point: Twilight/Trixie is a very well trodden path so it's going to take some work to make it stand out against the rest.
You have a good start. Good luck to ya! I'll be watching!
Edit: Oh, and FF8 reference for the win! I know some (read: Spoony) thought that game was overrated but I got plenty of hours of enjoyment out of it!
I think the name you're looking for is Nurse Redheart
As for the story itself, I saw no grammar errors, the pacing is solid, the dialogue feels natural and, most prominently, the characterization is spot on.
On top of all that, Twixie is my favorite shipping pairing, so I'll be tracking this.
145444 Nurse Redheart, thanks! I'll work that into the chapter soon.
145454 Great game and a great song. For some reason I haven't been able to get it out of my head recently.
145456 Thanks for the feedback and the warning - I'll try to keep it original!
145521 Thank you very much, I look forward to continuing it! And again I'll do my best to stay original! (FF8 is a great game, definitely one of my favourites)
145559 Thanks for the name and the feedback. Personally I was worried that the characterization was a bit 'off' so I'm glad to hear you say that! (Twixie is my favourite pairing as well)
>>Everyone: I wasn't expecting this many views and responses so quickly! Your comments are all very encouraging, thank you once again. I'll get to work on the next chapter post-haste!
A commendable effort.
I will be checking back for new chapters, I believe.
I'm liking the story. There's more of a clash between Twilight and Trixie then what I usually see in fics which is great. And having them react in shock over "what the hay" was surprising. Their reaction to that mild outburst felt more attune to the show then some fics which have light (ponified) swearing. I don't really see what there is to critique from what I read.
Good job!
146559 Thank you. I am working on Chapter 2, but I am trying to get through something of a 'block' at the moment so it is going to take a bit longer than I had intended.
148410 Thanks for the encouraging feedback
I'm glad you liked this Chapter and I'll hopefully improve or at least match it with the next one.
>>Everyone: I've just had an interesting idea for how to do Chapter 2 which could work a lot better than what I had originally planned. I'll try that now and see if I can't break down this block!
Tracked for maor
Hi again, Chapter 2 is up!
As you will probably notice, I've written this Chapter from Trixie's perspective. In Chapter 3 I plan to go back to writing as Twilight, and from there I may alternate between them on a per-chapter basis.
> 
> 
etc.
Thank you all for your feedback so far and if you can provide any more for this Chapter then it would be greatly appreciated.
Once again, I hope you enjoy the Chapter!
Not a bad follow up. I thought Trixie went from hating Twilight to considering her a "minor annoyance" was a little abrupt. While I can see her coming to this decision eventually, "just because she can" felt forced to move the story along. I was expecting Trixie to keep her distance for a bit longer.
I liked the part where Twilight gave Trixie some, "tough love." Twilight comes across as a character that won't put up with an attitude. There's a limit to how much she's willing to go through.
And the, "Twilight gives Trixie back her cape" trope pops up again. Not saying it wasn't handled well but it just keeps managing to wiggle in, in a Twixie story. Ah, well.
Going back to Twilight's perspective next time? Looking forward to it!
172509 After looking over the chapter again I can definitely see what you mean - the change of heart is very abrupt. I was actually going for more of an "I'll give her a chance..." here, but it seems to have gone terribly wrong
I'll certainly be tweaking this chapter before moving on.
Also, sorry about the cliché with the cape, somehow it didn't occur to me whilst I was writing. I'll leave it in for now but in the meantime I'll be trying to think up something more original.
Thanks once again for taking the time to provide feedback, it's going to be very helpful.
I liked what was there before, but wanted to leave my comment until after the rewrite.
And I'm glad I did. You've fixed the issue of moving a little too fast and added more intrigue by giving a few more mentions of whoever "Him" is and just what brought Trixie back to Ponyville (I have my guesses as to who "Him" is, but I suck at speculation
). I'm not gonna complain about the cape thing, it's used often because it's an effective way to ease things up between those two whenever they're being shipped.
Good stuff
Hi all, just commenting to let you know that the re-write is done! (I got called away right after updating the blog, so that's why I'm only posting this now) Please let me know what you think!
175711 I'm glad that you waited until after the rewrite as well. Yours is exactly the response I was hoping for, thanks very much!
I started tracking this the moment I laid eyes on the opening lines. Truly wunderful story five stars. (Btb: Im getting a strange feeling that trixie and starswirl the bearded have more in common than meets the untrained eye, huh
)
Looks great! Can't wait for the next chapter!
Is the opening a reference to Teardrops & Snowflakes?
177746 Thank you, I'm glad you like it!
185102 Thanks, neither can I!
186101 When I wrote the chapter I hadn't intended to make any reference. But I suppose that is where the idea came from in the first place - So yes, it is a subconscious reference.
Teardrops and Snowflakes was both the first FiMfiction I read and (a bit later on) my inspiration for writing this story - so, if you do see any references, that's probably why.
I'm really liking the story so far. I give you a thumbs up because Twixie. Well that and because the story is good. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Excellent story.
Can't wait to read more.
Oh! I was surprised to find such a well written and entertaining chapter the first day I signed up. :3 You did really well with this. I'm not much of a writer so I can't give much critique but I was a little skeptical at first, like others had said, because 'Twixie' is a well treaded path.
I think you've got a good thing going though, I can't wait to read on to chapter 2!
I love this. I like it's progression and how the characters act, you captured them well. Can't wait for the next one!
Really a lot of mysteries going on at once, I'll love watching how this plays out.
This is your first time writing? How do you write so well?
562248 I have dabbled in writing before, but this is my first fimfiction. I'm flattered that you think I write well - thank you for that and your question (which I've spent three hours thinking about, so if you say it was rhetorical I will cry
) In terms of grammar and spelling, the answer is easy - it's due to the sheer amount of reports I had to write back in college. Practise definitely pays off in this case.
When it comes to writing creatively though, I'm at a loss for an answer. If I had to pick one thing, I think I'd say that this story (link) is what taught me to write as I do in Eyes On You. There was something about the writing style that I really liked - so I adopted something similar when I decided to write my own story. And I'm very proud of how it turned out! Chapter 1 at least... Chapter 2, not so much.
If I come up with a better answer, I'll let you know
564403 maybe I should pay more attention when I go to college
I hope to see a new chapter soon.
liked and faved.
Any chance of an update soonish?
639653 I need a bit more time to sort some things out, but once that's done I should be able to get into updating regularly. For now though, I can't really say when Chapter 3 is coming. Sorry for keeping you all waiting so long, I plan to get my act together soon.
i am definately tracking. story has much promise. can't wait to see more chapters but for now i think i will read the second one
[sits down and reads]
644763 hello there! I just found this and I have to ask if there will be any more updates in the future? I have really enjoyed the story up to this point and am curious how it would continue.
967467 Hello! It will definitely be updated in the future, but I can't say when because I've been having trouble writing for some time now
(as well as being busy with other things). I'm glad that you like it so far and I'll let you know as soon as I start updating again!
I'm back! I can't apologise enough for taking so long, this should have been done back in February. But it's here now, even if I do have my reservations about it... enjoy!
Questions, comments, feedback and suggestions are all very welcome as usual - talking with you all makes this a lot more fun!
I...I love you. For making this. It's awesome
A new chapter... sweet celestia, thank you
Very nice.
I hope new chapters are forthcoming!
Twilight actually stood up for Trixie? with that being done, i bet its gonna get a bit "cheesy" in the next chapter, if you know what i mean
Twilight has a point. it was two idiot fans that did it, not Trixie.
Wow, it's been a while since I last saw this one. I think I need to go back to the previous chapters just to remind myself of what happened.
I think I'm starting to see where the title came from.
So far, a fairly typical tale of Trixie's return, though I do like that Trixie hasn't lost her cattiness. She becomes a lot less interesting when she's being all mopey and feeling sorry for herself. I'm looking forward to how things escalate next time!
Yay, stunned silence.
The third best kind of silence.
Oooh, an update
I'll admit to quirking an eyebrow at how okay AJ and Rarity are with Trixie (after all, she humiliated them too), but I suppose they have their reasons for not being as downright pissed at her as Rainbow. Twilight standing up for her, oh the delicious awkwardness
She's right, though; it's not Trixie's fault that Snips and Snails are too
dumbimmature to know that they shouldn't lead house-sized bears into town just because a stage magician said she could beat one.Anyway, glad to see this story back, and looking forward to see where it goes dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_smile.png
164093 Maor has finally arrived, sorry it took so long!
231699 Thank you! Sorry to keep you waiting
295602 I'm glad you like it! I hope you enjoy chapter three!
329877 Thank you very much! I'm sorry that one of your first experiences on the site was a story that took forever to update. I can't promise that the story will be revolutionary or anything, but I can at least promise to update regularly from now on.
423992 That's good to hear - thank you!
461620 There sure are! I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew
Thank you for the comment!
584772 Does this count as soon?
Sorry it took so long but I'm glad you liked it!
815524 Well thank you! I hope you enjoyed the second chapter too!
1317851 And I love you for reading and commenting on it!
Thanks!
1317977 So, so sorry it took so long! It won't happen again!
1318010 Thank you! And they certainly are
1318336 It will if I have anything to say about it!
Thanks for the comment!
1318343 Yeah, I personally wouldn't blame her for it either. Poor Trixie
Cheers for the comment!
1318489 It's been far too long - Glad to see that you're still around! Yes, I may have gotten a bit carried away with the 'glancing at each other' thing
Thanks for the comment once again!
1318840 The first and second being companionable and awkward, right?
Thanks for the comment!
1318927 Thank you! I'm pleased to hear that you find the awkwardness delicious
In regards to AJ and Rarity, I did have my worries about how I portrayed them. Part of my reasoning there was that I thought their egos would heal a lot easier than Rainbow Dash's, though I could be wrong.
>>Everyone: I'm glad to be back and I'm very much looking forward to writing more chapters. For those of you that didn't see the blog post, I will be publishing at least one chapter per fortnight - more if time allows. Another 'thank you' to you all!
Very glad the story is back, looking forward to the next chapter.
Oh, it updated
How ironic, that my last comment was that I couldn't wait for the next chapter
It's wonderful to see this again. Trixie is being Trixie and Twilight is being frustrated. And Pinkie Pie is egging on Trixie's ego
Can't wait for more
Holy carp, a new chapter after so damn long?
What a pleasant surprise.
1320509 Me too, on both accounts. Thank you!
1321327 Aw, thanks
1322527 Please don't sue me!
Seriously though, I hope you're okay. Thanks for the comment!
1323693 *salutes* It shall be done!
1329217 It's probably redundant at this point to say that I'm sorry but... I'm sorry! I'm glad that you were willing to pick up the story again after so long, thank you very much!
1329541 The last person to say that ended up waiting a loooong time
But seriously, you won't have to wait longer than two weeks per chapter anymore, I Pinkie promise!
1332288 Oh, I love surprises! Glad you liked it, thanks!