flutterdash1
Joined 5th Nov, 2012 ·
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You gave me no choice
not bad
Very good! Keep it up!
wall of tex. its to hard om my eyes to read
1575785
I added indentations (I just learned about them today, sorry ^.^;; ) Hopefully that helps =)
1575422
I LOVE THIS SONG 8D
??
Hmm...
NOOOO! TANK!
I'm sorry, but that rape scene just about killed me..... I kept expecting one of the mane six to break down the door with Tank in tow and save her, and ugh.... Sorry, that just really screwed up my head.
This is starting to seem like a pretty awesome fiction so far, good job!
I'm pretty sure you meant dried here?
1580898
Thank you so much ^.^ And I fixed it: you were right, it should have been 'dried' =P
1580345
I'm so sorry :( That scene about killed me to write also. The Tank part was something that came to me halfway through Gilda's arrival and I'm thinking 'Wait wouldn't the turtle be around?' I had to do something with him =(
Would be glad to see if Gilda and Iron Claw would be brutally murdered or atleast beaten from the rest of main six.
1607171
Thank you for saying it was well-written =) I'm not sure how to take the calmly part...so I'll assume thats a good thing?
1609492
Ahh, well thank you :) I've always hated rape where the victim was depicted as having a good time or was scarcely described all so I chose the more emotional route. I also had a lot of help from some VERY moving songs.
1609564
Can't say that I have
Actually, it's hope to fly, not die
1611710
Fixed! Thank you for the correction ^.^
1727358
Pfft, try writing that part about Tank. I went through three or four tissues just blowing my nose and wiping my eyes
1778101
Abruptly shoved in is the best way I could think to handle Dune Sea. My alternative idea was to go so far with the mane plot then cut over to several chapters of her doing her thing, but I felt that that might discourage some of the reader base and make me lose readers in the long run. Best just to sprinkle her in at the end of most every chapter so that people can skip them at their leisure and read over them if and when the decide to figure out the upcoming plot.
Save your 'yay' for chapter 14
Shame we didn't get to see Gilda and Iron Claw getting trounced by Big Mac, Applejack, and of all ponies, Rarity! I would've paid money to see Gilda getting her beak smashed by Rarity of all ponies!
Baby don't hurt me
I like how you're tying the cannon together while at the same time adding in the elements for what's to come in the future chapters, very nice. I shall read onward!
~Have a good one.
This was a sweet chapter ~.~
You're moving between what is cannon and what is your own creation smoothly. I like it. Onward!
~Have a good one.
Heh, and now it starts. Onwar- *collapses from exhaustion* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
~Have a good one.
Delicious vengeance! It would be so satisfying if they all thought that the Princess would hold back on them, but then she winds up giving them the death penalty....or turning them over to the Griffons on the promise that the Griffons give them the most extreme punishment available in their nation. Which would either be the death penalty, or something worse than death....like physical and psychological torture on a daily basis three times a day for the rest of your miserable life.
A couple thoughts:
- Amazing premise. Of course, I'm biased, since I'm currently writing the same thing, but still...
- Needs more focus on the romance. I think this kind of went Jungle Fever (another amazing clop, but with similar problems) on us and became more about the secondary narrative than the character moments, which you are genuinely good at pulling off. Don't be afraid to give your fans payoff. Let a story flow naturally and end it when it should, then move on after your story has been told. It seems like the darker side of the narrative is struggling to increase the length and epic-ness of the story, but it isn't really necessary with how well done the characters have been so far. Basically, I find myself pining for more cute mane six moments, lust-fueled or not, while I'm reading about Dune Sea.
- You should add an extra line in between paragraphs, and also separate every new speaking role as a new paragraph. A wall of text is hard on the eyes and difficult to maintain your place in.
I was impressed, and even thought much of it was handled better than my story, especially how you tied the mane six's love into their back-stories, but there are also some glaring flaws that I think you should take into consideration and hopefully address in the future.
2121583
I've heard the bits about people being unhappy with Dune Sea for a while now, and I wanna try and make it clear that she and the sphinx invasion have a major role to play in the story and aren't just being tacked on. Unfortunately that role is big enough that I don't wanna just spring it on when it happens; I'm crowbaring this buildup in for a reason.
But I deeply appreciate your critiques =) i'll try harder with the seperation of paragraphs when switching to a new speaker; I thought I did that but its very posible I've missed several things. The paragraph spacing is a stylistic issue I've been on the fense about, hearing proclamations from the camp of "indentations need no spacing but if you space then you do not indent" and your own comment. Overall I'll figure out a happy medium there eventually xD
lol pwned
2121832 I usually go with one space and one Indent when changing paragraphs.
Derpy Hooves as a childhood bully and Rainbow Dash crossing her eyes with a punch?
I just couldn't continue on from there.
I hate to ask but is the Tragedy part of the tag on for more than just this or is it for something that is going to happen later? I really hope its ust this because I am nota big fan of any of the main 6 dieing.
2357347
Not to spoiler, but for this AND things that happen in the future.
2357431 k can you at least tell me thatnone ofthe main 6 die?I can handle pain and disfigurement but aslong as they don't die I am fine.... well at least twilight.. I love Twi to much to read about her death.
2357498
Sorry, I don't wanna give anything away ^.^
2357524 Aww ok well I guess iwill have to wait it out.
Nice update! Had to re-read half the story again to catch up with events, but that only re-affirmed how great it can be at times.
I see the story is getting even more dramatic, I'm guessing it'll all come to a head when Dune Sea invades and all the characters need to put aside the drama in order to save Equestria.
Oh, and please give more context for Applejack and Rainbow Dash's relationship? I'd love to see the same dedication and care taken in fleshing that out as Twilight and Fluttershy, which I think the story also needs to get back to.
I think it would be great to have more of a focus by dedicating each chapter to individual sets of characters and their emotions while interacting with the others. This story is at its best when the characters are questioning themselves and all they've ever known in the face of these new romantic emotions that have welled up for their friends.
2389327
Lol, now when I get chapter 15 done it'll seem like I'm pandering to you xD
2405362
No problem. It's just like how people think that some of the newer FiM episodes are pandering to fans because they are too much like fanfics. It just so happens that both writers came to the same conclusion after scrutinizing the characters and deciding on how they would react to a situation, or where there character logically needed to go next.
All that happened was that we both came to the same conclusions about where the characters should go and what the next stage of the story should be, because that seems logical based on the information we're given from the show in the context of the story.
2482708
Thankya, I fixed the typo
Woah, tense. You made it sound like there was going to be some sweet romance in this chapter, then hit us with the Rarity drama full-on.
I like the way how it seems Rarity is torn between wanting to create a particular mood and avoiding the use of strong language that would offend her friends. I also get the feeling that Rarity doesn't know all the details of Sweetie Belle and Octavia's 'relationship' yet.
Strife will make the love sweeter, in the end.
2483306
The plan was for there to be romance in this chapter, but the section involving simply Rarity grew so long that I felt it best to split up. AppleDash, TwiShy, a small surprise and a Big Surprise will be in the next chapter, of that you have my word.
I proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt to myself: No one is a slave to their carnality, and therefore everyone can choose whom they love. We are the only race on the entire planet with this kind of ability.
Spoken by a man who was sexually unbiased (read curious as hell) as a child, chose to prefer males as a teen because they had more texture, and now prefers females because it's so much more rewarding... to me, at least.
But anyway, this story is a phenomenal read. I don't comment on clop a lot, but this supercedes clop by a long shot.
Great song reference, by the way, even if unintentional.
Why is it that when something bad happens to dash in these fanfics it always turns Into AJ taking care of her and then they get closer falling in love. For once could we have a dash tragedy not turn into appledash? It's so cliched and predictable I am sorry but its how I feel. Either way the story is good and I enjoyed it i just wish it didnt take the predictable path of shipping appledash but other then that what other ship should I be expecting from this?
I know you have twishy I just want to know the rest.
2572054
Completely unintentional, but I love that song too <3
2693768
I'd rather leave that a surprise, but I'll give you a hint and say that this story is in the Polyamory group. The next chapter should help indicate the direction.
2487634
Thank you so much <3
1851961 Don't hurt me
2738502
no more
I reckon saying that applejacks first crush was rainbow would of given a better meaning for her to run off
That last reminded me so much of This, but the opposite