• Member Since 30th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen April 17th

Knight Joy


T
Source

Jean tries to run from his past...and ends up in the future of Equestria. Sadly he was going to face his past as it was coming up on him real fast. Will he run or will he finally accept his past an face it head on.


Art is copy-right by *ManiacPaint

My first story. Can i have you readers honest review not how it is but what needs work, if you can.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 40 )

Okay, so I noticed you asked for someone to comment without just thumbing you down... Hoo, boy... This is gonna hurt...

I'll be completely honest, this was painful to read. You made unbelievable amounts of spelling and grammatical errors, the descriptions you have are pretty bland, and occasionally I can't even tell who it is who's speaking. Watch me attempt to turn one of your paragraphs into something readable.

The solar system is ruled by two fearless sisters, one is called Luna for her dark beauty and her eyes that had the moon in it. The older sister was called Celestia for her radiance beauty and had the sun in her eyes their race was close to humans but was purely beast inside. Before them was their brother Discord who nearly destroyed the universe in 2395 he reeked chaos for five long years until he was stopped by his sisters in 2400. But Discord didn't die, he was instead sealed somewhere unknown and swore to come back to seek his revenge. Soon after the defeat of Discord came peace that ever lasting for 32 years of crime-free.

The solar system was ruled by two fearless sisters. (Period. Stop.)
The younger was named Luna, renowned for her dark and mysterious beauty to mirror her enigmatic moon.
The elder sister was called Celestia for her radiant beauty, a parallel to her brilliant sun. (I would just leave the entire sun/moon being in their eyes out. It sounds weird, and doesn't do much to describe them.)
They appeared to be human, but something about them seemed bestial. Not less than human, nor more so; they were simply different. (Flowery prose... Whee! But in all seriousness, "purely beast inside" makes them sound like monsters, not princesses.)
Their elder brother, Discord, had ruled before them, nearly destroying the universe in his chaotic reign. For five years he ruled, wreaking chaos upon all before him, until his sisters were finally able to stop him. (Not including anything about the year because my own flowery prose doesn't do well with dates...) However, his downfall was not his death. Instead, he was sealed in a place unknown. His lingering spirit refused to accept this fate quietly, and swore revenge on the sisters.
For thirty two years since the day of Discord's defeat, there has been peace. ("Crime-free" doesn't really mean all that much in context... It's fine to leave it.)

And then the characters start talking.
You build the Princesses up to be beautiful, but you don't do much beyond that. When 'Tia speaks, she sounds like a whiny child throwing a tantrum. Yelling has its place, but that place is most certainly not here. When the Solar Princess loses her temper, it should not be over something as trivial as what you portray.

You look like you could have a good bit of world-building buried under your mountain of spelling and grammar travesties. Get this into MS Word for grammar and spelling check before you port it to GDocs and eventually here.

...Then again, half your world-building sounds like horrid cliches. Seriously, "Akatsuki?" Why has the Earth suddenly become a Red Moon? If you're just calling it Akatsuki because of Naruto, I don't see any reason I should even continue this...

Also, stay consistent.

Celestia Blasted the door with her right hand without delay today was just one of those days she wasn't going to have any of it and well just...take what she wants.

"Where are you~" Celestia saw the room was empty but she could sense something was still here. Celestia then held a ball of light in her hooves and started to burn the room. She smiled

There are probably a thousand other things I could say about this, but I think that's enough constructive criticism for tonight.

2540147 No I really like how you pointed out my flaws and other things. I really did need someone to point out things because i know there are errors but i have no idea how to handle them. I have to thank you really. I don't mind the criticism because really i'm trying to better myself but can't because there is no one to comment about my mistake. I thank you again and i will make the changes needed. I know the names are...hahaha...different but at the time i have no idea what to call them so i just wrote what was cool. Any who I know the mistakes and thank you for your comment and criticism it means lot.

Mahalo

2542378
Mahalo's a nice touch. :twilightsmile:
Sorry, just felt the need to make that reference.

2542382 Well i'm from Hawaii and been writing so much on paper i might as well try typing it on the internet to share. Thanks though

Mahalo

can we expect an update today?

2554027 I am now just editing it as we speak. Just trying to fix the flaws and errors of mistake. But i can ensure there will be another chapter to come.

Is this a humanized story?

2554686 Both humanized and ponies. For only in the later chapter will it explain.

2554695
Thank you for telling me. Now I know not to read this story.
Good luck with all of your endeavors.

I have never seen a male is long time,

a bit of an error there but im enjoying it so far

2556680 Thank you for the inspiring comment. XD But the next chapter is going to be longer in hope to explain more things to come.

I read all 3 chapters of yours, and I have to say, the other two were a little better than your first. You have an interesting concept going on, but I can't stress enough on many fics, THAT PROPER GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, AND SPELLING IS REQUIRED D:

Also, your pacing is a little off. I'm not quite sure what it means. People have told me that when I first started writing. But I feel it speeds way too fast, like a bullet train catching up with time. Punctuation might help slow it down. A comma, period or even an ellipse may alleviate this issue, especially when you read it over out loud and pause for a second. That's when you usually add some sort of punctuation.

Also, characterization of Celestia quite... troll. I wouldn't say unbelievable, as this is in an alternate universe, but I imagined Pinkeama fused with Celestia. Princess on the verge on insanity. Also, the entire thing was grammatically inconsistent. You switched from present to past a couple of times. Having it read over by someone else, or even yourself, before you upload it, may help with this problem.

Also, double exclamation marks are unnecessary!! It looks unprofessional, so to say, so try reducing it to one. Also, save all caps as a last resort for momentum build up. What I'm trying to say is something like this:

EXAMPLE
"No... No!... NO!" She yelled at her with increasing fury.

For your story, some of the "WHAT?!" can be replaced simply with "What the *uck?!" Makes it more believable, and if you don't feel like using the f-word, use buck instead. For example, in your story:

"WHAT!" I slammed into the ground making a carter in the training grounds as the man disappeared in thin air.
^ could be replaced something like
"What the f-" I yelled, slamming into ground and making a cater in the training grounds as the man vanished.

P.s. sometimes, a wider vocabulary helps. Remember, quality over quantity. If you can replace "ate with immense speed" with "ate quickly", or even "gobbled" or "chomped down" or "devoured" (yeah, devoured sounds the best in this case), it is often better. As I read somewhere, emphasise and describe the more important parts of your story. If the chase from Point A to B had been important, describe it, narrate it. If not, just simply state "x chased y all across Point A to B."

And as I'm back on narration, your first chapter lacked it. Second and third had a little, which helped me imagine your world a little. The first one was just too... cluttered.

I wish you all the best in your story, and I delivered what I promised. Sill, I was expecting a like 0-10 on your story and no comments based on what you said, but I have to admit, I'm jealous of your likes and view counts. How in the world... :pinkiecrazy:

2592707

Well i did say i need help and is asking everyone to review on it. I know for a fact i'm lacking but i'm also improving listening and taking in account, so any input makes me a better writer. I haven't found a editor because i was out for two weeks and just graduated so kinda busy. But thanks really for the review. Love to know what the readers like and how they see it. I'll start reading your story after i get out of this damn hospital bed. Take care and

Mahalo

Dude I've tried to slip on bannans before. It just doesn't happen!:trollestia:

2781931 I have XD it was a weird moment..."Did i just slip on a banana" moment XD

Mahalo

2790198 I mean, his suit may be oc but when they're trying to rape you.......you run! Have you read a story called 'The scent'?

This needs to be updated really want to know what happens next and banana are EVIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2790942 Well later on it shows why he's like that. I'm trying to make it better but right now i'm stuck. Also my daily doing isn't helping the cause.

And the story, I like Distorted Flare fics. Each one is different with different types of char and his emotions. Though i always smile and laugh because almost all of them involve a 'rape' scene, also it makes me think 'DAMN! NIGGA GOT RAPE! THAT HOE GOTTA GO!' And i laugh because it's really really good detail. Though it's me. Thanks for reading and...

Mahalo

2793607 another reason I didn't think this would be hood is because they're humanized which I don't really think is a good idea but this fix make it work.

2793607 Damn should I feel honored that you are like the fifteenth author to write an antrho rape fic because of me or sad that I have corrupted so many writers and readers

Humanity died on my birthday... cool

this is good cant wait for more

3428819 I have yet to update any of them because I do not own a computer nor do I have any way in logging on to update them. Though I have already polished up the up coming chapters and shall notify when I am able to get a computer. It saddens me but crap happens so, i'm just wait until then....thought its been over well four months....-sigh- I work and I pay bills....I don't have enough for myself. (Typing on my phone) Thank you and...

Mahalo

I am no use for proof reading but I can help with the story idea if you are interested?

4631413 Yeah sure i'm open for ideas. I'm writing the plot on paper and other things so i can see timeline and stuff. hahaha ^_^

4631413
4632275 I feel like these rape fics are so wrong, but that's what makes them so right!:pinkiecrazy:

I feel as if a week has past already is there a chapter coming soon? Do hope so, goodbye.

4682960 that moment u see that rape face (my outro song)

Okay, the only advice I can give you is in regards to the whole species thing. Decide on one, then have every one but Jean stick to their subspecies, for example, Luna and Celestia have a horn and wings without fail, or an analogous replacement that they share with all ponies, Twilight always has a horn or its appropriate analog, Rainbow Dash always has wings or an appropriate analog, and so on. You can have them be human in form and call them a human version of it, like A Stranger in a Familiar Land has (Valkyries, Trifects, Etherials, Agronauts), or you could just call them by their pony races but have a different race classification.

quite certain that this is dead

So it is gone man it looks really good

4632275
Don't tell me you gave up on this story because it just got good and who cares for a little bit misspelling.

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