Evident Disaster
Joined 30th Dec, 2011 ·
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Okay i do hope you all understand what's going on or i'll really be annoyed at the obvious tell tale signs i made very easy to see. Well aside from that please put critiques, i'll need a lot of help to sort this one out.
Oh and enjoy the clop!
I like this
i1170.photobucket.com/albums/r522/xSputnickx/CommanderShepardmegusta.jpg
I cant wait to see the next one
Amusing enough...
975028
Wait amusing, i thought this was supposed to be serious, Solar Solstice was the one that was supposed to be funny. I'm kind of confused now.
975088 No, I mean you have my attention. I'm amused, which means I'm enjoying myself.
975131
Ah, my mistake. Well i hope for more people like you to be so amused, it makes me happy!
975131
Just curious, but i was wondering about an idea i had, do you think anyone would actually be interested in a game fic?
A written story that is controlled somewhat largely by the audience to determine actions and such and such, also with rules with dice and stats.
Intriguing, but holy mother of God that was actually REALLY DIFFICULT TO READ.
You have commas where there should be periods, spaces where commas should be, and you're using words far too many times in too short a period of time.
You should diversify your language, as well as play out each scene in your head. How does the dialogue sound? Every time a character pauses, there's a comma, every time they stop speaking, there's a period. Each time you add a thought to a sentence, you use a semi-colon. Sadly no immediate use comes to mind...
I'm sure if you run this by a couple of the users here, they'll help point out the grammar.
As for what the story is...well...it's interesting. I haven't read a story using this form of character medium before, and the imagery is a bit...lacking. I think you could describe the environments more vividly.
I shall be watching this with a grain of salt at the ready, but be sure to go over your own writing! Hell, go over this chapter, you may see what I mean.
975183
okay, i'll take that as a very defined form of criticism, well i'll go through this, i'm not to sure how much i can edit. I'll surely try, but i've got my hand tied with other fics. Umm could you point out specifically sections that i should go and edit?
Woah
975247 If I had to be specific, it'd be near every second line of the story considering incorrect use of pauses, or lack thereof.
What I'm asking is for you to read the story over, and see where it sounds 'weird'. Lines where you're rambling for a paragraph without a single pause is bad, but lines where you're taking a breath after every three words is also bad, right?
Talking about commas here.
Uhhh...lessee...
"It was night time in the lands of Equestria, the land of the ponies. It had been over one thousand years of peace and harmony but something stirs in the darkness of the night, over a year ago there came a threat that had once been thought to be myth, Nightmare Moon, an entity of immense power and darkness, she was the spark of a dark fire that burned within the sister ruler of Equestria Princess Luna. One thousand years ago the princess was defeated and banished with the entity that had surfaced within her and waited to make her return."
I just grabbed the first paragraph of the story. Try reading this in one go, using only the commas and periods to stop and take a breath. To me, this paragraph sounds...funny.
I really do wish I could be way more specific than I am, but all I have is that weird gut feeling about how the problem is present often in the story. My only tip is to read through the story, just a quick read through, and find out how it sounds in your head. Don't worry about the story itself - though I do have to admit, some of the lines do get kind of confusing. In the second paragraph, I saw that someone was 'planning a trap', but Celestia wasn't the one that leapt to mind. Maybe that's just me being dumb, I dunno... - just focus on the grammar and how the sentences are built.
Do they convey the message you want them to? Do they sound repeated, redundant? Do they use words over and over in places where you could use different language to describe it? For instance, the use of 'she' in the story - the really really really ACTIVE use of the word - and the instances where the language can be switched out. 'She' in every instance is a noun; an object for use in the sentence. Unless you're suddenly switching targets mid-sentence, that one character is who you're referencing.
From there, you can use whatever terms you want, so long as they relate to the character in use at that point. This means you don't have to constantly use 'she', 'he', what have you, in order to describe what's going on or what the character is doing.
Re-evaluate how you use commas and periods, properly space out your breaths as you read, and vary how you use your language! Variety of words is the spice of writing, and it's a very good spice at that.
Tell you what though; give me a paragraph in a reply, if you wanna reply, and I'll see if I can point out any errors.
975297
Ah back to basics then, i thought i was forgetting something, i remember that i didn't need to keep adding, he and she, it just comes as a bad habit after a while. Hmm, well i don't know if there was a real meaning to conveying in the story, aside from the more descriptive side, i don't think there was anything else, maybe the dream, or the clop scene, i'll really have to go edit that.
Well thanks for the tip, i'll see if i can jump into this during the week, but i've got another 4 fics to write up with over 30,000 words by the end of this week. Man this is going to be busy.
975321 Take your time. Remember, writing these things is a HOBBY, not a job or assignment!
Take your time and have fun with it!
975324 I planned to, but its become like a job, i initially started out small, but now.
If you've been to my profile on FF.net, i've got roughly 1500 subscribers and a ton of favorites and over half a million views and increasing every 1000+ per chapter i pump out.
I've been under pressure and a lot of back pain to get things done to an extent, i actually just wanted to give people ideas and refine my skills at writing, but after a while i really got tired with the same song and dance and jumped into fimfiction, because it was easier to get things written without taking heavy criticism, i mean specifically on sex/mature content, trust me, people don't read mature as much as you'd think on FF.net.
I need a back massage.
975340 Just chill and stop writing for the time being then.
Fans will wait for you, and you don't need to feel obliged to serve them a new chapter every day or week or whatever. This is a hobby, this is meant to be a fun pastime, not a job or some kind of duty to the public.
You're the one who's doing the work after all, so do it at your own leisure. If you think it's becoming too much, or you think the quality of your writing is suffering, then stop, take a break, and go do something else. Maybe run the idea passively through your head.
For me, it helps when I'm not writing to play scenes out in my head; fully animated, of course. Helps describe the environments, what the characters are doing, and dialogue, though it tends to be about 30 times longer than the scene in my head :V.
A 20 second clip can come up to around 3000 words for me, maybe more.
975346
Quite impressive then, i've run through by actually trying to act out scenes before, but i can't do that all the time, and with time constraints with my education and practice for university coming up and an additional education before i plan to go oversees. Yeah i might need a short break in between now and next month, but i don't think that'll happen any time soon. Man i need to sort a WH40K fic out soon, those guys have been waiting for me to post a new chapter for over 4 months, they're gonna be pissed.
975359 If you force creativity, the train won't move. All you can do is ease yourself into the process.
I know I was thinking for two months about my own story, trying out different ideas before settling on an inspired one from a series I'd been reading. Took another week and a half for me to truly nail down where I wanted to take the story, and then I just started writing.
It's gotta come naturally. Think about WH40K, think about all the different scenarios, and see if you can draw a path through them. Do they relate in a coherent path? Do the characters do anything interesting, run into anyone interesting, find new things?
Stories are entertaining, first and foremost, so keep running ideas through until you find one that keeps you glued to the animation until the very end. Then, play that animation again and again so you can get the writing aspect down pat, and then, just sit down and start typing.
Bam, six hours are gone and you've written about three chapters of your new story, each over 5000 words long.
975366
Uh, that's the thing, the scenes that i came up with were coherent, but i made a rather arduous story, its interesting, but arduous because of the sheer extent of its size, making the wait for answers sort of annoying for people, trust me, i've learnt that the hard way about keeping people waiting on complicated plots. I had some good chapters, not so good ones, honestly horrible ones, brilliantly planned ones and such and so forth, its been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me.
975380 Sounds like the rough trials of your every-day author, honestly :V.
Well, I suppose all I can do is wish you luck in your writing, and wait for the second chapter of this here story.
975387
Right after the other 3, which i'll try to get done in the week.
975147 Could work out... Would require a lot of forethought however.
975682
tis good
amazing i like the idea of trixie having nightmare moon's power can't w8 to read the next chapter
979045
No probs, it's coming along, i hope...
I like the idea and the story, but the whole flow feels awkward and keeps pulling me out. I wish I could write a better review than that. I'm sorry.
995119 No problem. Understandable.
great chapter but i have a question is twilight going to be the only wife of Nightmare Moon because i like that pairing
1072694 That was a dream but possible i'm kind of hoping for you guys to alter the story as it goes.
hmm have it go four way twi, luna, nmm, and celestia is that ok?
then have trixie just dropped out i just hope she gets the short end of the stick if she's mean. as for nmm give her the best. maybe capture and turn twi first. give em a power boost.
corrupt fluttershy
Well, you could always go for the more obvious targets: Prime candidates for the Council of Evil are usually Gilda, Queen Chrysalis, Blueblood, Diamond Tiara and the Flim Flam brothers (though the two are complicated due to being basically one character composed of two people). None of them live directly in Ponyville, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem for a being of Nightmare Moon's caliber.
Gilda's often understood to be interested in Rainbow Dash as more than a friend, and considering her jealous fits it's easy to see why. She has a wholy unapologetic attitude and at least somewhat of a devious streak, but doesn't seem clever enough not to be easily manipulated. Since she cares little beyond immediate gratification and is willing to get her talons dirty, she should make an ideal follower. She's also one of the few flyers who should be able to match up to Rainbow Dash outside of the Wonderbolts (which can't be said about Trixie and Twilight)
Chrysalis needs little explanation. There are, however, downsides to recruiting her: Unlike Gilda above, the Changeling Queen's probably difficult to satisfy, seeing as how her last plot was supposed to give her control over all of Equestria. In that regard, she and Nightmare Moon are too much alike; she'd probably resent a minion role, no matter how powerful her new master is. On the other hand, perhaps Nightmare Moon'd enjoy pressing Chrysalis into her service and laugh at the latter's impotent rage at being forced to help somepony else snatch her dream away from her.
Blueblood'd most often chosen because of his deplorable behaviour during the Gala; people reasoning that somepony that rude's probably ready to do any number of other villainies. Being a handsome prince, and related to Celestia herself, it might be a challenge to construct a motive for his betrayal of what is, after all, his family. Perhaps he desires revenge against Rarity for humiliating him at the Gala- but the two seemed fairly amicable during the latter's brief popularity soar in Canterlot; so, it might not be revenge that turns him against his aunt. Perhaps he decided he wanted Rarity to be his after all, but she declined, and the jilted prince looks for another way to get what he desires. For a slightly different twist, it might not've been Rarity that caught his eye, but rather the rural beauty they met at the Gala (and whose fritters he spat out again).
Trixie herself should be able to recruit Snips and Snails easily enough. Those two were already behaving like her minions last time she was in town, but they offer very little in direct power or influence (they're kids, after all). However, they might open up additional ways for Nightmare to get at the Element Bearers. They're friends with the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike both- it would be easy for the boys to lure them into a trap, should Nightmare wish for hostages. Also, they might have unrequited crushes on any of the Crusaders; another reason to fall in with Trixie, if she offers them a chance to simply claim their loves. Of course, they suffer a lot from being comic relief. It's just more difficult to take them seriously than the characters above.
Devious children always leads us to Diamond Tiara. whereas Gilda's quick to lash out physically, Diamond delights in emotional pain. She should be easy to win over if offered the chance to humiliate and hurt Applebloom. She only seems to have a single friend as well; should her connection with Silver Spoon be cut, she might very well spiral into ever more cruel plots to get at the blank flanks (inexorably driving her deeper once they all fail one after one as they have in the show). She has an exploitable weakness, since she seems to lover her father dearly; and if his name is any indication, they have lots and lots of money to throw around and buy whatever influence Nightmare Moon needs.
Just a few ideas to throw out there; I hope they can be of some help to you.
This is a great concept, and you've done pretty well with it. One thing that I can't figure out is if the characters are human or equine; in the first chapter you reference hands, women, and mares.
I think i'm gonna have to scrap this one.
Wait... Indestructable hair?