Delicious vengeance! It would be so satisfying if they all thought that the Princess would hold back on them, but then she winds up giving them the death penalty....or turning them over to the Griffons on the promise that the Griffons give them the most extreme punishment available in their nation. Which would either be the death penalty, or something worse than death....like physical and psychological torture on a daily basis three times a day for the rest of your miserable life.
- Amazing premise. Of course, I'm biased, since I'm currently writing the same thing, but still... - Needs more focus on the romance. I think this kind of went Jungle Fever (another amazing clop, but with similar problems) on us and became more about the secondary narrative than the character moments, which you are genuinely good at pulling off. Don't be afraid to give your fans payoff. Let a story flow naturally and end it when it should, then move on after your story has been told. It seems like the darker side of the narrative is struggling to increase the length and epic-ness of the story, but it isn't really necessary with how well done the characters have been so far. Basically, I find myself pining for more cute mane six moments, lust-fueled or not, while I'm reading about Dune Sea. - You should add an extra line in between paragraphs, and also separate every new speaking role as a new paragraph. A wall of text is hard on the eyes and difficult to maintain your place in.
I was impressed, and even thought much of it was handled better than my story, especially how you tied the mane six's love into their back-stories, but there are also some glaring flaws that I think you should take into consideration and hopefully address in the future.
2121583 I've heard the bits about people being unhappy with Dune Sea for a while now, and I wanna try and make it clear that she and the sphinx invasion have a major role to play in the story and aren't just being tacked on. Unfortunately that role is big enough that I don't wanna just spring it on when it happens; I'm crowbaring this buildup in for a reason.
But I deeply appreciate your critiques =) i'll try harder with the seperation of paragraphs when switching to a new speaker; I thought I did that but its very posible I've missed several things. The paragraph spacing is a stylistic issue I've been on the fense about, hearing proclamations from the camp of "indentations need no spacing but if you space then you do not indent" and your own comment. Overall I'll figure out a happy medium there eventually xD
I hate to ask but is the Tragedy part of the tag on for more than just this or is it for something that is going to happen later? I really hope its ust this because I am nota big fan of any of the main 6 dieing.
2357431 k can you at least tell me thatnone ofthe main 6 die?I can handle pain and disfigurement but aslong as they don't die I am fine.... well at least twilight.. I love Twi to much to read about her death.
Baby don't hurt me
Delicious vengeance! It would be so satisfying if they all thought that the Princess would hold back on them, but then she winds up giving them the death penalty....or turning them over to the Griffons on the promise that the Griffons give them the most extreme punishment available in their nation. Which would either be the death penalty, or something worse than death....like physical and psychological torture on a daily basis three times a day for the rest of your miserable life.
A couple thoughts:
- Amazing premise. Of course, I'm biased, since I'm currently writing the same thing, but still...
- Needs more focus on the romance. I think this kind of went Jungle Fever (another amazing clop, but with similar problems) on us and became more about the secondary narrative than the character moments, which you are genuinely good at pulling off. Don't be afraid to give your fans payoff. Let a story flow naturally and end it when it should, then move on after your story has been told. It seems like the darker side of the narrative is struggling to increase the length and epic-ness of the story, but it isn't really necessary with how well done the characters have been so far. Basically, I find myself pining for more cute mane six moments, lust-fueled or not, while I'm reading about Dune Sea.
- You should add an extra line in between paragraphs, and also separate every new speaking role as a new paragraph. A wall of text is hard on the eyes and difficult to maintain your place in.
I was impressed, and even thought much of it was handled better than my story, especially how you tied the mane six's love into their back-stories, but there are also some glaring flaws that I think you should take into consideration and hopefully address in the future.
2121583
I've heard the bits about people being unhappy with Dune Sea for a while now, and I wanna try and make it clear that she and the sphinx invasion have a major role to play in the story and aren't just being tacked on. Unfortunately that role is big enough that I don't wanna just spring it on when it happens; I'm crowbaring this buildup in for a reason.
But I deeply appreciate your critiques =) i'll try harder with the seperation of paragraphs when switching to a new speaker; I thought I did that but its very posible I've missed several things. The paragraph spacing is a stylistic issue I've been on the fense about, hearing proclamations from the camp of "indentations need no spacing but if you space then you do not indent" and your own comment. Overall I'll figure out a happy medium there eventually xD
lol pwned
2121832 I usually go with one space and one Indent when changing paragraphs.
I hate to ask but is the Tragedy part of the tag on for more than just this or is it for something that is going to happen later? I really hope its ust this because I am nota big fan of any of the main 6 dieing.
2357347
Not to spoiler, but for this AND things that happen in the future.
2357431 k can you at least tell me thatnone ofthe main 6 die?I can handle pain and disfigurement but aslong as they don't die I am fine.... well at least twilight.. I love Twi to much to read about her death.
2357498
Sorry, I don't wanna give anything away ^.^
2357524 Aww ok well I guess iwill have to wait it out.
Well then. I retract my previous statement.