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Applejack drops preparations for her own family's Hearth's Warming Day celebration when she finds out that her marefriend, Rainbow Dash, is going to go visit her family for the first time in a few years. Rainbow Dash is reluctant to introduce Applejack to her family, but the farmer won't take "no" for an answer. Together, the two travel north to Vanhoover where Applejack gets to meet the ponies that raised the awesome and amazing Rainbow Dash.
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2801834
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I shall be keeping an eye on this
...5 bucks Rainbow's family's homophobic or something....
Hopefully they're just nuts
2802502
Great, now I gotta rewrite the 3k words I already wrote on that subject or I'll owe you money =(
(totally kidding xD I never rewrite /o/ ))
2802588
Hah, I'll take the homophobic parents for 5 bucks please
2802601
Something tells me that her parent's ain't gonna like RD following the rainbow...
I think I see where this is going...
I'm liking this. I haven't read a fic yet where we get to meet Rainbow's parents and I love how she has so many siblings
reminds me of my own family.
I am now really interested in where this will go, it looks like it'll be a funny "Meet the In-laws" type of fic. Can't wait for more!
"Dad works at the Vanhoover Rainbow Factory and mom stays at home.
I see what you did there...
This is amazing work! Cant wait for next chapter! I always wondered what RD's family would be like :)
Ooh, a rainbow from a big family? And a less-than-perfect one? Finally, some variety!
2811066
lol Idunno if that's sarcasm or not xD
2811080 Nono! I'm being serious. So tired of seeing single-dad-or-orphaned-only-child Dash. The thought from her being from a rough family of blue-collar ne'er-do-wells is awesome.
This has an interesting idea behind it. Rainbow Dash coming from a big family and not seeming to really care about them all that much will make for an interesting contrast between her and AJ, more so if it gets revealed that Dash has a blank flank little sister she's never talked about.
Only thing is that the story seems a little rushed in its pacing. Maybe that's just me though - it sorta felt like things were moving fast and AJ was a little too eager to drop her plans with her family to be with Dash. But again this really seems promising, and certainly worth the time to read.
I should be writting, but I'm here reading!
I want more!!!!!
For the third night in a row i have checked my updates to find more appledash! Im going to die from a lack of sleep at this rate.
How ever it claims there is only 2 chapters and 3k works, strange.
And thank you for another great chapter! For someone with the username flutterdash you sure write great appledash!
Awezum.
2823997
Thanks! FlutterDash is my favorite pairing overall, but i'm quite fond of MANY pairings =)
You promised me homophobia :0
2824210
No I didn't =p
2824234
Lol it's okay. You're forgiven
But who won the hoofball game
2825016
The Ponyville Pioneers =D
2835726
Go Pioneers!
I quite enjoyed this, but the chapter was very busy I have to admit. I was able to keep up with all the characters that were introduced but I found it tiring to read because there was so much happening every second. It really felt like a lively house. Also... I found this weird, but mistletoe in a family house? What if two sisters or a brother or a sister accidentally met under it? Just seems pretty risky if you ask me. But I liked it and I like how I got to see Dash's family for change and I can see why Dash wouldn't come home too often. But I'm still looking forward to a big fight and tears because that happens every year my family get together
So good job, looking forward to more
2842820
as far as mistletoe goes you can just kiss your relatives on the cheek :p
as far as the fight and tears... spoiler alert this is a comedy tag
2843086 Yeah, but it could be a comedic fight
My family fights over the most stupid of things, you could have them fight over the hoofball game or just arguing or something. That's what happens with all big families, especially when you have over fifty relatives in a small space (believe me I know)
but I'll still read even if they don't fight, I was just speculating
This is more interesting than I first thought! It could use some editing work - spelling, grammar issues, some awkward phrasing, but overall this is pretty interesting. Looking forward to see where you're going with this.
I geuss that rainbows parents aren't going to like her dating a mare:)
Added to Twilight's Library.
40th like yo.
Those must be some pretty bloody carols hehe... Great story so far looking forward to more.
2883101
Thank you for catching that =) Fixed~
Can't wait to read chapter four! :)
When will chapter 4 be up? can't wait!!
Come on! More chapters!
2985792
2986272
I'm working as fast as I can
Hi there. Milky here, from WRITE with your review.
So, to begin with, I'm going to say that this story seems to have pretty good potential. Your characterization is fairly sound, and your writing and detail, especially when it comes to how large family functions work, is great. Coming from a pretty big family myself, I can say you captured the energy really well.
There are only two things I really had a problem with. First was AJ being very caught up in her own family celebration suddenly blowing it off like it was nothing. She had been so tense and worried about it before, and then it seemed like it was nothing to hand over. The switch was too sudden and sorta came from no where. I would work on showing the transition from AJ being all about her family to wanting to go to Dash's in just a second.
Other than that, you may want a proof reader becasue there are a couple of things that seem to be awkwardly phrased. Really though, this seem to be a pretty good story.
♥Milky Way, WRITE's Timey Wimey Authority
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Hi there! Unfortunately for most involved, I've decapitated Milky Way. However, in true Highlander fashion, I've absorbed both her powers and her reviews, so taking a look at this fic falls to me. Shall we get started?
Alright, there are going to be three separate parts to this review. First, I’m going to go over the actual story part. I’ll talk about characters, plot, all that sort of thing. I’ll go over both what you do well and what you do not so well, as well as give you some suggestions on how to improve. The next section’s gonna be the grammar section, which I’m pretty sure is self evident. I’ll go over any common grammar mistakes I see you making, as well as any that I find you making persistently. The last section, however, is going to be a basic summary of the rest of the review. A TL;DR version, essentially, designed to be a quick reference guide for you to quickly check while writing without having to sort through the entire thing. That’s about the size of it, so let’s take a look at The Season’s Upon Us!
First and foremost, what I notice about your writing is the main characters, specifically Applejack and Rainbow Dash. To sum them up in two main points:
A) Perfectly in character. Rainbow and Applejack are spot on, and you manage to carry over their quirks and mannerisms to a T.
B) Chemistry. They bounce off each other perfectly. You can get an honest handle on how they feel about each other, the sort of rivalry they share, how their relationship is progressing. They act and treat each other like ponies who’ve managed to fall in love with their best friends
You write their relationship better than many I’ve seen, and you deserve an honest pat on the back for that. We don’t get a THESE TWO LOVE EACH OTHER BECAUSE I SAY SO picklesmashing i.imgur.com/tlS93Us.gif romance, we get an honest relationship between two ponies who really seem to care about each other, and that’s worth a great deal in a story such as this.
While talking about the characters, the next important thing to take a look at is Rainbow Dash’s family. Here, unfortunately, you’ve come a little bit short of your performance with AJ and Dash. On one hand, you’ve created a rather entertaining cast of unique and funny characters. On the other, though, I feel you’ve spread yourself a little bit thin with it, and as such are having trouble giving them more than one dimension to their personalities. However, it’s still early on, and we’ve only just been introduced, so you’ve still got plenty of time to develop them. I look forward to seeing if Twip turns into more than just a bitey little shit, myself :P
I believe that’s all I’ve got to say on the subject of the characters, really. With that out of the way, let’s take a look at the plot!
Honestly, there’s not much to say about that. It’s a really neat little idea, albeit one that’s been done a ton of times before. You’re putting your own spin on it, though, and making it your own, in a way which I’m quite fond of so far. I really don’t have too much to say on it, with the exception of some suggestions on how to make certain parts a bit more plausible. For instance, Applejack’s decision to join Rainbow Dash for the holidays seems really sudden, and honestly not very much in character.
There’s really a good bit of whiplash between ‘No, this is so important I can’t even spare an hour to go ice skating with my significant other’ to ‘Pfft, forget the party, I’m going to Canada!’. On one hand, it shows an admirable amount of dedication to getting to know the mare she’s fallen in love with, but on the other, it’s incredibly unlike her to just go ‘Welp, screw the family, I’m off!’.
My suggestion here would be for her to come up with the idea that evening, and talk it over with somepony who’d encourage her to go, like Big Mac or Granny Smith. That way, she KNOWS she’s not abandoning her family, and she’d feel a lot better about going, but again, just a suggestion.
The last thing I’d like to discuss when it comes to story is another slightly out of character moment that I’ve found. In all reality, she’s being awfully douchey to Big Mac, apparently nagging him to the point of frustration and insulting him behind his back. Might want to look into that a tad. Everything we know about him points to him being a good, hard worker, yet she’s insulting him to other ponies? That might be something you want to change around some.
Okay! That’s it for the plot! From here on, we’re going to be talking about the more technical aspects, stuff like grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, all that fun stuff! You ready?
Unfortunately, here’s where I’m gonna be a little less nice, as there’s a lot to work on here. While you’ve got a lot of promise in the storytelling department, you really do need some help in translating it onto paper.
To begin, the main issue that I’ve found with your writing so far is your sentence structure. At points it’s alright, at others it’s poorly worded, stilted and really rather awkward. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve found for dealing with something like that is to read a sentence out loud, and find how natural it feels to say. If it seems like something you’d tell people, if it feels natural coming out of your mouth, then it’s a good bet it’s structured decently. For instance,
The sentence is big, wordy, and says far too little with far too many words. I’d rewrite it as such:
Doesn’t that just FEEL a lot better to read? I’d give this page here a read. It can help you figure out a better way to structure your sentences.
One other issue I’ve found is that you really need to take the whole ‘Show, don’t tell’ concept to heart. You’re telling us what Rainbow Dash is feeling, but you aren’t showing us she feels that way. Instead of
which is something you’d be telling us directly, try something like
Do you see how that can change the entire feel of a sentence? Don’t tell us she’s embarrassed, show us what she’s doing and let us draw our own conclusions.
Next, I’ve found that you tend to use run on sentences, extending a sentence past what it should hold on its own. For a good bit of information on these and how to avoid them, try giving this article a read.
Moving on, the next bit I’d like to take a look at is chapter 3 as a whole. First and foremost, I think you capture the feeling of a large family gathering really well. I’ve got 14 aunts and uncles, and an absolute load of cousins, and I think you do quite well with that. It does a really good job at conveying the feeling of being whisked around a lot while everyone around you is doing this, that and a hatrack, while you’re feeling almost lost in an unfamiliar place where you really don’t fit in. It captures the feeling beautifully. However, the main issue I have is that you’re doing it by changing scenes, rooms and characters at such a rapid rate that you’re actually losing the reader. It just becomes really hard to follow at points, and I found myself having to go back and reread things to figure out what I’d missed.
One last issue that I’d like you to take a look at is Applejack’s accent. I’m sorry, but it gets absolutely physically PAINFUL to read. I’m sorry, but you really do need to rewrite just about all of her dialogue. You’re not writing an accent, you’re writing a chant to the Elder Gods. This is some “Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" shit right here. Give a bit of this story a read for an example of how to do her accent a bit better. Try this guide, written by Burraku Pansa, for some help. Although the rules are anything but absolute, this is still really useful.
SO! Time for the TL;DR version!
Characters:
- AJ and Dash are beautifully done, though there are some points that AJ’s out of character.
- The romance and relationship is done beautifully.
- The relatives are a bit one dimensional, could use some fleshing out, but I’m sure you will.
Plot:
- A bit of a cliche, but you make it your own and original.
- AJ gives whiplash so hard what with switching from being absolutely obsessed with the family party to going with Dash so fast that the reader could probably sue you.
-AJ’s a bit out of character, being a dick to Big Mac.
Technical Aspects:
- Really awkward sentence structure. Needs some serious work. Article that can help.
- A good few run-on sentences. Read this for help.
- Show, don’t tell. Don’t just tell us how they feel, show it through their actions and reactions.
- While Dash’s family reunion is pretty good, it turns into a clusterfuck, and is difficult both to read and to follow.
- I think that ‘Sweet Apple Massacre was written about what you’ve done to AJ’s accent here. Read this for an example of how to fix it, or this.
And that’s about it, I think! One last word, though. Get yourself a prereader and/or an editor, because honestly? If you manage to clean this up and get rid of the issues I’m talking about here? I can honestly see this getting featured. It’s a great story so far, and all I think it really needs is some good spit and polish. Not only are you putting a bit of an original spin on the whole ‘meeting the parents for the first time’ scenario, I honestly have to say that I feel you’ve done one of the best jobs of creating what feels like a genuine relationship that I’ve ever seen on this site. You have an absolutely insane amount of potential. Don’t let that go to waste!
Take care and good luck,
~La Barata, W.R.I.T.E.’s Head (and review) Taking Highlander.
P.S. ‘Fangled’ isn’t actually a word. ‘Newfangled’ is, though.
A wondrous ending, truly left a warm feeling in the heart.
Took you long enough... I jest, of course
That nephew of hers needs to be thwapped upside the head with AJ's hat. Other than that.. this was very cute!
Well worth the wait for that chapter.
3102883 3101528
I actually had the ending done for over a month...I just completely forgot to post it xD
Why do I enjoy reading this?
Nvm, don't tell me...
I don't think i wanna know...
3103407
I'm uncertain if this is good or bad xD?
3103711 Let's say its....
Ok, lemme explain this.
I like the story and all but...
Idk why i suddenly out of nowhere like AppleDash...
Understand now?
3105063
It means I converted you to the horde =)
3105439 Is that supposed to be a good thing?