- Member Since 4th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen March 15th
Distorted Flare
King nigger lord of the watermelon, duke of the chicken realm, high almoner of the grape cool aid of the Nile, has no tolerance for white people.
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Distorted Flare · 58k words · 1,053 111 · 18k views
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I think I can see why you're getting some of these dislikes. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism for you.
As I was reading, I noticed that you were using both Past Tense and Present Tense Narration. Now, either one is fine to use, but you should remain consistent. This chapter would switch between them mid-paragraph.
Tense aside, as I was reading, things seemed to work out in a manner that would sound just fine if it was being read to me aloud. You really to have a fairly gripping means of description. When you put it into type, however, some issues can be found.
There are quite a number of typos. "Tare", for example, I think you were going with either "Tear", for present tense, or "Tore", for past tense. There was also "Steeped" which means "To immerse" when I think you meant "Stepped", "To step forward"
The last thing I noticed was a major lack of commas. I can give a few rules of thumb for dealing with them. Typically, when you can remove a word from the sentence without the sentence having any significant change, you should separate it with a comma. A good example would be the word "Typically" in my last sentence.
Another rule of thumb for commas, that might be a little easier. If, when speaking the sentence, you would take a moment for breath or a beat of pause, there should be a comma.
I hope these thought help you to improve. I really do believe you have a talent for the words you pick, now just to get them onto the page in the most recognizable fashion.
1496792
I agree with you on all accounts, good sir.
1497059
There's not much to add to what Handsome Masquerade posted. Maybe slow down a little bit; that would make things a little easier on the reader, but that isn't anything overly dramatic really. Don't get discouraged! Have an upvote!
I say that you should really continue!
Good plot so far and looking forward to see what will happen!
I don't get why people have thumbed this so much down... Sure it has some minor past sense mistakes, but that isn't really that good of a reason...
If it is just because of the subject and the rape, then please just fuck off...
Gotta say, never been a fan of rape. Even if it is just a part of the story. Oh well.... Lachlan round 2
funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Now-this-is-how-you-fight.jpg
FIGHT!
more please
1498080
1498152
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/160/a/f/fluttershy_meme_mortal_kombat_by_joezilla1991-d3ih643.png
1498162 FLAWLESS VICTORY
i gotta say, I love this story so far, I don't even care that there are spelling mistakes, or grammatical errors, can't wait till the next chapter, and I hope you make it to.
Because I'll be sad if you don't
Well, as a reader of non-English speaking country, I can say that I read this chapter without a problem. And I certainly wish the continuation of this story.
Not many anthro-pony stories, so please go ahead. It would be sad if it ended.
Q: Will the story also submissive ponies? I like the idea of big, strong women in a subordinate position to men.
I think the exact same thing as high voltage, the grammar errors have to be very extreme to deter me
please write more i feel bad for this guy,s waist ouch
My only concern so far is they said ponies age a lot slower than humans, and that 40 is 18 years old in pony years, correct?
Well, I don't see why you'd do that, unless it's like Gnomes, who can live up to 400 years, but anyways, I hope that our human hero can explain that he's an adult, not a colt, by human standards. Maybe he and Twilight and Celestia can talk about age differences in later chapters?
Interesting, please continue!
Personally I'm not one for clop,but the plot of this story is interesting.
1503394 I can do that for you, I'm fairly well acquainted with the proper use of both grammar and punctuation. That is if you want me to.
1505306 I would love you forever if you could I have finished chapter 2 which is 4700 words long could you go over it and correct my mistakes. and maybe even help get my tenses right like past and present.
This could definitely use some refining, but I have no complaints that haven't been voiced.
1503136
Male human raped by anthro-ponies? Interesting...
Always a fan of anthro ponies. There really needs to be more anthro, and less humanized.
Plus this is a male human/ponies heram. Hope the next chapter is out soon.
1509543 I have competed chapter 2 but need a proof reader
1498170
Shytality
1509638
Remember, proper punctuation makes any story about 20% cooler.
For example:
“Because slave something about your scent makes me horny as Tartarus and your stamina is a nice change to the pathetic thirty second that most stallions last”
“Because slave, something about your scent makes me horny as Tartarus, and your stamina is a nice change to the pathetic thirty second that most stallions last.”
Also...
“Someone is adventures”
It should be...
"Someone is adventurous..."
1496081 I agree, me gusta
Awe-some! That is the only way I can describe it!
OH SHIT
Nice chapter
HOLY SHIT! Dude almost killed Big Mac. Now they think he's a monster? That's messed up. Great Chapter though.
Nightmare's probably preggers or in love and by god I'm pissed off at Ponyville. And now I'm gonna have to wait a month for Demo to get the
Halo out of his system long enough to continue the fic..... shit.
wow poor bastard
Those meany pants!
All he did was an act of rage because the one he loved got hurt! He is not a monster, but rather Big Mac is the true monster.
Now look where that got the human, in the hooves of Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon!
1552191 Do you read the Story "Man of War" or "My Better life" ? because i have seen your name before
im sad now
update and make me happy
So Chrysalis looks like this:
Dark grey fur, green dress, sharpened fingers, long dark green hair with holes in it, a sharp horn partially hidden by the hair, thin arms and waist compared to her chest and thighs, and natural green chitin armor on her back.
Does that about cover it?
1552455 i feel a disturbance in the force, as if millions of hopes were crying out and silenced.
1553530
i.qkme.me/3po3hx.jpg
So, I'm not the only one who felt it
1553570 it seems not my lord
Well... We all know where this is going.
Hmm, you made this quite interesting now, to my suprise. You have shown the barbaric and cruel side of humans with Lachlan acting out on Big Mac whcih the citizens of Ponyville were shocked as much as to avoid being him do to his human nature, really showed who were truly friends with Lachlan to begin with (oddly enough only Big Mac can be considered as his true friend). This chapter has shown internal struggles as how our poor hero is overwhelmed with isolation and bitterness (due to him being a sociable creature after-all), making it surprising dark and tragic.
So I have to say to you, kudos my man, fricking kudos indeed. You have pressed this fic into new territory where no mere HiE would dare to go, thus having me more hooked into your story due to change of atmosphere (quite a refreshing change). Besides format errors and grammar, really good work. I'll be favoring this fic due to such development you have done. Best of wishes man and hope you have a good weekend. Best regards.
Some parts made me laugh. I liked it, over all. The little fear, HiE exploration, and conflict. Will wait for the next one.
They all fear him and hate him!? No love for him anymore.
Still.....Richard.....
i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt133/jjholt_2009/Memes/yougonnagetraped-spongebob.jpg
You gotta be kidding me! ⊙.⊙
Very interesting turn in the story. I find it unexpected, that all ponies turned away from Lachlan. Especially Dash, it's against her element.
I have also question the further development of the story.
1. Divert Chrysalis, Lachlan into changeling´s hive? I am interested in the possibility of meeting with changeling´s mares.
2. Will in story females of in other races? For example gryffins or diamond dogs.
1554547 yes and the reason that the girls have left him is because of nightmare moon she has leaked foul magic amplifying there fear and prejudge views
this chpter made my cry becus ive ben in his situation just with out ponys and sex
thay just stoped liking me still cant think of why but thi is going grate chapter 6
9 out of 10 so far
Let us hope that Zecora saw Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis kidnapping Lachlan. She can warren Mane 6 what has happens and reminds that they should not judge a book by its cover as they did to her, reminding them of all the good things Lachlan did and they should not turn their backs their friend because he can eat meat.
Zecora lived Everfree Forest and knows allot about many different creatures that live there, she can also explain to Mane 6 what an Omnivore is and some Predators are highly protective of their mates, willing kill or even sacrificing themselves to protect their mate from great harm.
1554589 That explains why they dont run around like idiots when a Griffin is around cause technically he's an Omnivore and Griffins are carnivores so they have more reason to fear Griffins than they do him
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This is what the mane six look like but far bigger breasts XD>>1554782
Sadly no they are not. In this fic Griffons are not carnivorous and are more accustomed to eating fish and berries which is not a big deal as Fluttershy feeds a couple of ferrets fish in one episode