• Member Since 12th Feb, 2023
  • offline last seen 18 minutes ago

Forcalor


There are no rules in art, love, and war.

T

Same continuity as The Queen of the Dark.

In the hot rainforest of Farasi, ponies met up to partake in an adventure that might be their last. Was it providence or happenstance? It was left unspoken.


Entry to the "New Blood" Contest.

Bonuses:
1 "From the beginning, you know the end.."
4 "The main character’s name and identity is never mentioned."

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

The prose here is wonderful. I enjoyed this pilgrimage a great deal, especially with the message that was ultimately delivered. An amusing, spectacular, and thrilling little tale.

Great work with everything here. I hope it doesn’t go unnoticed, especially in the contest.

11630068
To receive such praise from you is a great deal for me as well :twilightsmile:
Thank you kindly.

the atmosphere and vibe of this story is very unsettling, and the writing also reminds me of a turn of the century-esque horror novel. very cool >:)

Is that the lord of the frenzied flame?

11630393
Hey, good catch. Guess the artist was heavily inspired, he just called it 'Eclipse'
You can look for more of his work through the link in desc

11630143
Thanks for the comment :twilightsmile:
Yeah, seems like 'unsettling' is kinda what I do best

More summer reading.

11633279
You think this is summer reading? Oh, I'll give you summer reading!
Maybe even today :twilightsmile:

Was looking forward for your comment

11633327
Be gentle with me, Forkie! :pinkiegasp:

The sectional paragraph openings were quite thematic and a very clever touch!

e.g. "𒄈 According"

Minor suggestion, have you considered also increasing the font size for them?

e.g.: 𒄈 According

11638107
Oh, it is something that I generally want to incorporate into my main work and its shared AU, going on forward. It will be thematically appropriate there too, you might see :twilightsmile:

I find that frequent bigger openings will be sort of distracting and break the flow. Might be just me, though.

Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed!

11638142

I find that frequent bigger openings will be sort of distracting and break the flow. Might be just me, though.

I am sure there will be people who prefer either way. You are probably correct that more people will prefer not to have fancy formatting. My preference, however, is to lean in to the era-appropriate styling. :derpytongue2: I also staunchly believe that we have a special medium, so we should make the most of it. :pinkiecrazy:

FYI, I added this to the poetry group based on your final poem. :pinkiehappy:

Very interesting. I might have to check in on the associated series if it's anything like this.

11655208
I'd say not yet, it's more of high fantasy romance/thriller. There would be other works similar to this one, in same continuity. Thanks for reading

https://youtube.com/shorts/QVtaMwDqs3k?feature=share

Am I becoming more stupid? I've gotta be honest here, I'm not sure at all if this is supposed to be referential to something in Queen, the canon itself, or maybe the comics, but I just... Whew this flew so far over my head I think it was a spaceship.

I really did like the atmosphere, but even then I feel like I missed your intentions. While it's mentioned in the other comments that this was unsettling, I got a fun Indiana Jones kind of vibe. I liked the characters. I uhhh... Yeah, maybe there's something wrong with my brain.

Wait a second there's a death tag? Yeah, this was far beyond my mental capacity, apparently.

11666282
That is a great comment, thank you :twilightsmile:
It just means that it is working on multiple levels, and I am very glad to see that. I kinda want to do a foray into more traditional adventure with these characters, with less contemplative stuff. Well, it still will be fairly dark, of course...
Thank you for reading

RDT

Well, you wanted ruthless feedback as a comment, so here's 500 words of it.

The way the three myths were told was a bit lazy. You just threw the stories down in massive blocks where none of the other characters commented on anything. (Okay, that’s not true. Quill Pusher interrupts exactly once. And that was a good bit of dialogue.) The lack of discussion loses characterization opportunities, such as where the ponies choose to interrupt and how the storyteller responds. Telling stories around a campfire is also more interesting when we get some reactions, I think. Even if Quill Pusher doesn’t interrupt, we can still get his thoughts on the other stories. Also, splitting up the dialogue lets us get the storytellers’ tones of voice as well (dramatic flares, whispers, pauses etc).

(The long paragraph is also a bit hard to follow, especially if reading on a phone.)

The word choice in the storytelling was a bit weird. You seemed to ignore all of the narrators’ normal speech patterns and just went with a separate style for the three stories. I’m assuming the style you used is inspired by the genre you were writing in, but it should be possible to keep parts of that style while fusing it with the characters’ own speech patterns.

The third story was also thematically confusing. The first two had nice contrast—revealing secrets for the greater good vs. revealing secrets for power and profit. The third was just… the random multiverse/what-if dude? And why compassion, anyways? (Compassion isn’t inherent to his abilities: some people would be terrified of being confronted with all of their unrealized potential/alternate lives, after all. Though in this case he’s asking after someone he lost, which means that it could be used for compassionate reasons. But would it really be compassion, though?) But take this part with a grain of salt; I might just be too dumb/too unfamiliar with genre to get it, in which case feel free to ignore me.

The prose was mostly fine (and I’m assuming the final encounter was supposed to be confusing—though it wasn’t confusing in a way that I liked. But I digress.) The meat of the story really is in the three stories about the Prince of Silence, with everything else mostly as a framing device. But the three stories only take up around 1000 words total, which is just 25% of your word count.

I do notice the “Bean’s dozen” word count problem. If you were to expand the three stories (to include either more character interaction or more content), you’d probably have to cut some of the setting stuff. Which would be disappointing, because the way you build the setting is good. You could also simplify the language of the stories so that it’s less couched in weird terms, and allow the ambiguity to come from just explaining less details rather than being deliberately vague. This approach would come at the expense of the style, though.

Reiterating: I couldn’t really distinguish between the two researchers. Both the pegasus and the unicorn were cheery, competent, somewhat teasing, and no obvious dialectical difference. You also didn’t have one of them consistently use unicorn magic and another one use wings. Basically, if it wasn’t for the three separate stories, you could have just gone with a single researcher. But for any way you distinguish them, do so in a way that you think is interesting.

11691887
Thankee, that was a good review :twilightsmile:
In hindsight I love that researchers seem to be indiscernible, because that certainly would be relevant in other stories with them

I've written a longer response that extrapolate on themes here, but then decided that it will go against the spirit of the fic and original poem

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