CREATURES OF THE DARK
"Entrance, entwine, enchain..." A creature of the dark sets her eyes on the ultimate goal: to possess unrivaled power. The entire world may burn for her to fuel these ambitions.
High Dark Fantasy. Non-con serves to be mostly story-related and exists only between two characters.
Cover art taken from https://www.deviantart.com/underpable
Warnings (spoilers):
mild depictions of violence/implied violence/psychological torture
nondescriptive erotic depictions of sexual encounters between magical talking equines
discussion of incestual relationship between
Celestia and Luna (it isn't the focus of a story)
some dose of headcanon and philosophy
possibility of falling in love with
Queen Chrysalis
Chapters (19)
Interesting.
I'm curious to see how and who will be falling love with Queen Chrysalis.
I look forward to more
I read the prologue.
The plot is tense to such an extent that I began to feel my temples begin to hurt.
I don't know if you can call it a prologue, but you know better. However, based on some scenes in this chapter, I conclude that the "Violence" tag would be relevant. Of course, this is just the beginning of the plot, and I would like to see the next episode.
Try to better revise and refine/improve the battle scenes. Something clearly feels dry in the description of the characters' actions. But I'm sure that in time, you'll figure it out.
In principle, a good start, so I will wait for the continuation.
P. S. Although, to be honest, I am in favor of Chrysalis having a distinctive manner of behavior and speech from the canon. Otherwise, it's already boring when the authors make a completely (or mostly) canonical character out of Chrysalis. This is not something that can surprise. And because of this, I feel sorry for Chrysalis, and my temples begin to hurt in my head.
My palm is pressed to my forehead, and my eyes are closed. "Oh my God... Another author, in whose plot, Chrysalis is a bad girl (character / hero / mare). Probably already the ten thousandth author."
That was my adult opinion.
i.pinimg.com/originals/19/38/78/193878ddade012088f057536fa1c793e.png
"How would you like to be called Crazy? Do you have any idea for a minute what it means to be the Queen of the swarm!? Just imagine that I give birth to a thousand larvae within an hour! I didn't choose such a fate. I was born with such a fate!"
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Oh, do stick around until the end of this story then, for the sake of your Queen. You will definitely like where all of this is headed.
I hope in time it would be evident, how i absolutely love every second of writing for (semi)canon Chrysalis. There is some level of candidness in her that speaks to your primal urge to just go all-in and create some character drama and fun interactions.
In any rate, with my speed of writing i'd expect to produce the next 5 or so chapters within a couple of months, and then this slow train of fun will really get going.
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And thank you very much for the comment, as well.
That was so amazing. ACE Flare Account
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You know, this might be small, but a comment like this definitely makes you feel validated and wanting to do more writing 😊
Thank you for your written thought, and have a wonderful day, you, beautiful person
You have to admire Chrysalis and changelings in general. They might not be as strong in raw power as ponies and alicorns, but they make up for it by using every ruse and tool in their arsenal to even the odds in a fight. That includes forcing their enemies to battle in the area of their choice, settings multiple traps, using overwhelming numbers and changing nature of the fight itself to surprise their opponent.
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Yeah, exactly the feeling i've tried to capture, that they are meant to be cunning and adaptive. Far down the road, there also would be explanation why she become more efficient than usual, so stay tuned.
There was much tension in this chapter for me, as I was expecting at any moment Celestia would learn about Luna's adventure in the cave or that changeling impersonating Luna* would trip over some little detail that would reveal its true nature to Celestia. However, none of this happened and I'm interested in seeing how will this develop further down the line.
*I'm assuming that Luna in this chapter is not the real one, as she is still in the cave and this chapter is supposedly set right after the prologue. This might be a wrong assumption though...
So... I can't help but think that Chrysalis is disguising herself as Luna, and may or may not spike Celestia with something to love (or is it lust?) her.
I know I shouldn't be this intrigued when I'm read this chapter, considering the prologue is quite dark. And Ginger Lime... can somepony take a good care over the filly she doesn't deserve losing her family
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I'll be honest, i'm just blown away by seeing investment and interest from people
I'm not used to it, and it's just so freaking awesome that, well, wow
Thank you. I will try to keep up a steady schedule of updates now, i know this matters to the readers. Story is already heavily outlined into arcs, so it shouldn't be long before this one is finished.
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You're welcome. :)
One piece of critique I can offer now is that in both chapters there are moments where you switch between narrating story in present tense and past tense. Writing in either of them is correct, but there should be a consistency. Just my two cents. ;)
possibility of falling in love with
Queen Chrysalis
at the moment (judging by the prologue) it's hard to believe, because her actions are frightening. We can understand why Luna killed a bunch of changelings in the Prologue because she has a very understandable motive. But we do not fully know what the actions of Chrysalis are due to.
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This is very awesome.)
I am glad it seen that way.
I would be interested to see your thoughts when at least this current part of narrative concludes.
given that there are obvious inconsistencies in the story of Luna and the events of the prologue, it would be foolish to deny that Luna is not who she claims to be. ;)
but still there is one detail that does not allow me to be sure that Luna is a changeling.
It's "who's moving the moon now?" I doubt that Chrysalis has a large enough source of love at hand for his energy to be enough to pull celestial objects every shift.
at least I hope this is not a plot hole and this detail will be explained in the future.
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Thank you for the critique! It pushed me to reread everything, clean it up, and look up how other more seasoned writers dealt with something similar. Following chapters should now be better and more consistent with style.
This is good.
Like, really good.
I am so curious about who the male is in this poem/prophecy.
I didn't really understand the meaning of this poem.
P.S. I've always had problems with rhyming pieces.
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It is a different entity from the green text speaker!
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It will all make sense in time :P
Pictured: the titular Queen of the Dark trying to figure out her wicked plans
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/lc9f-1534546104-416993-full
(courtesy of this much more better fic)
What's the non-con tag for?
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Maybe later will be something non-con. Who knows!
You know, I got some thinking, can I safe to say that this fic is an alternate take to 'To Where and Back Again'?
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You might say so, why not.
Something similar to 'To Where and Back Again' did happen in backstory here, but no changeling was reformed, and Chrysalis didn't managed to beat down almost whole cast off-screen with magic negating throne.
Characters like Thorax are set to reappear here much later
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Considering Celestia's feeling may or may not be actually hers, (kitchen scene in the last chapter) I think it's somewhat appropriate.
Please please, get a proof reader or editor. I'm interested in your story, but the grammar is crippling my enjoyment.
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I will look into it. At the time of next update it should be more readable
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in fact, the cover of that story is more valuable than the story itself. (I personally found it boring to read.) Despite the "comedy" tag, it doesn't have any funny moments. (The only funny moment I liked was Spike asking if Shining is now king. But Chrysalis herself cuts off this dialogue very quickly.) I would call that story a useless filler.
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So! I've discovered for myself Grammarly, and ran everything through it, with some corrections along the way
It appears to be much better than Quillbot
Feast your eyes, it should be passable now
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Well, after writing the last chapter I just wanted to have some self-deprecating joke, tbh 😁
For those invested in story, next updates should take some time, because I would like to finally solve these grammar problems, and start writing ahead. Brace for more equine tragedy and character exploration
there is another opinion "what is love"
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I kinda wanted to include something similar here, but for now chemical part is just implied 😁
Was half-expecting that ancient "What is love" skit, tbh
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I thought that so far among mlp characters there are no hardened characters so disappointed in love as Rick to say such a thing.
(and when such a character appears, it will probably be the main ideological enemy for Cadance. Their argument will go on forever.)
So Luna is my most revered character and going into this I knew she would lose in this first chapter and I must say, bravo.
This is the first time I've read a defeat of Luna that actually really made a lot of sense. She was obviously dominant but her compassion put her in a vulnerable position that Chrysalis took advantage of.
This is a really good start and if you hammer out some of the missing words and such I can definitely see this becoming superb.
Reading on asap.
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Please, do leave your thoughts when you finish
And thank you for reading.
I will be slightly working on the prose in the prologue, sure, and maybe in other chapters too. This story won't properly begin until, like, for four chapters yet, so I am giving myself a little leeway while adapting my writing style
The most interesting thing to me about this fic is the figuration of Chrysalis herself. We know the least about her in proportion to her presence in the story. My sense is that she is a stand-in for the author--not to say a Sue, but rather a kind of symbol of the writer's direct imagination at work. All of the other main characters are given grand scale. They are statuesque. But Chrysalis lurks in the cavern of the author's intent. All the trepidations about estrangement, coercion, and seduction lurk there, too. We see everything through the lens of Chrysalis's calculation. The narrative point of view, perhaps not coincidentally, tends to vacillate between omniscient and limited perspective. What becomes compelling is the author's voice--who and what they are speaking for, and how they are embodied.
Words are used accurately. The things that come out of characters' mouths make sense. I am ambivalent toward implied incest. Here, it seems to be more a device than a theme. There could be other devices. If the fic were strictly about the transformation of a character's perception via a physical or psychic transformation, it might make a good tipping point for exploration. There was some tasty suspense between the bite and the bed. But it appears to have been a trick.
Overall, ambitious, bold, and energetic. I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
P.S. - I learned a few new words.
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Man, that is really some high praise in my eyes. Thank you very much, that brings to me a huge grin
Well, that's a thriller for you, I guess. I am going for a high-scale epic feel here, especially from the POV of Princesses, yes. They are symbols of fate, perfection, and kindness for all ponydom (albeit actually flawed individuals), and there is this dark harbinger of change who comes from the caverns and begins to wrestle from them all their power. I'm glad that I seem to have managed to capture the feeling
They're kind of getting a taste of their own medicine, because they might seem just as ambiguous or dominating from others perspectives.
There will be some fun exploration of what Chrysalis actually is to the themes of this story, so please stay tuned. I would love to show her as a flawed individual too, in the end.
I think I know what you're doing here, but now I just was a Celestia/Luna romance. (It's fine my headcanon for them makes it aok.)
Anyway this was fantastic... but I'm pretty sure this is gonna destroy me by the end.
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It warms my heart, thank you
I will try to destroy you by it, yes~
Also noticed and immediately fixed like a ton of stylistic mistakes from earlier. Well, good to be improving, I guess
So this is exactly where my heart fell into my stomach and I began to feel sick...
"Tia, let us be married."
"Gladly." She responded, nuzzling her.
Because I finally caught on.
Yep I feel like I'm gonna be sick, so mission accomplished on that end.
This is amazing plot wise and theme wise, but man I'm fighting not to have a conniption.
My precious sun whittled down to a plaything... truly it makes me want to vomit.
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Don't fret! I understand that this is spoiler-y, but I'm writing next chapters very slowly (there are some tone shifts, etc.), so I can tell you now that their characters will eventually clash hard, not at all one-sided.
I should put out continuation pretty soon. After all, it's only very beginning
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That's great! I'm very interested to read more and I think you've done a superb job thus far!
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Thank you, and thanks for your interest! 😁
Do you think Queen Chrysalis brushes her teeth? She's pretty evil, after all.
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No, and she doesn't wash her hooves either 😱
I'm slowly toiling away at continuation.
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/545563128939937812/1098418233595404309/image.png
Good thing that all she eats is love, right?
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Bah, you made that in Photoshop!
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Not true, and soon, I will prove it to you! I will prove it to everyone! Mwahaha!
Sorry, I was writing Chrysalis' lines, got carried away
Can't wait for the next update :3
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You are very welcome. If I don't get somehow busy, I'd expect to publish it next week, so stay tuned.
Love the pfp