because ponies killed my grandma, ok?!
Starry Nights- young aristocrat and perpetual tourist- ventures abroad to the island republic of Minos and learns to accept the past one step at a time.
"The main character’s name and identity is never mentioned."
As always, open to feedback
Written for BWG's "New Blood" Contest
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Oh, that is interesting worldbuilding
Would love to see what more stories you have planned
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aah thanks, im glad you found it interesting!! mlp is surprisingly a good setting to play around with stuff that isnt strictly high fantasy and it was really fun writing out Minos and (what would realistically be a nightmare to actually live in) Knossos
As was previously said, I enjoyed the world-building. With regards to the secret identity of Starry Night, I think you did an excellent job at hinting who she was. I had my suspicions, but I wasn't certain until the end of the story.
Good work!
A satisfying read. I liked the setting, and the characters's interactions were entertaining.
If I did have to criticize something, the occurrence of "shitty" is rather out of place in the otherwise tame narration.
Other than that, a solid story. Good luck in the contest!
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thank you for reading!!
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l'll keep the language use in mind for later stories. im a little desensitization to "shit" as a swear so i definitely missed the fact that it didn't fit in a story otherwise empty them. anyways thank you!! good luck to you too
That was an enjoyable read. Well done for your first story posted on the site!
As others have mentioned, I found the wordlbuilding quite fun. It's always nice to reach beyond Equestria, and seeing how the events of Nightmare Moon touched other countries was an interesting idea.
And yes, I found the word limit a little bit of a struggle too, but it looks like you covered it well without making the story feel too rushed.
Here and now beginneth your New Blood Contest feedback!
The first thing I'll say is that I liked this a lot. This was in my top five picks contest-wide, and would have won a prize if I was the only judge. So, considering you asked for "Ruthless" feedback, I don't think I can really tear into this the way you might be hoping for.
That is not to say there is nothing to criticize. There are Technical Problems. No obvious typos, but a low level, permeating lack of refinement, which sometimes becomes concrete and identifiable in strange phrases or sentence constructions.
I'll pull one example from the very beginning:
Starry Nights is a "tall unicorn", despite being shorter than everyone around her. These ideas are disconnected. They could be integrated by saying she is tall for a unicorn, and so forth. Also, "periwinkle coat and blue mane so light it almost seemed white" - the lack of a characterization for her mane colour beyond "blue" makes it seem like you meant to say her coat was periwinkle and her mane was a blue so light it was almost white, but this is not done in the original sentence so it's unclear.
Another example from the very end:
Swallow is not a very good speaking verb. Maybe that comma should have been a period, but even then this could be greatly improved with something like "she swallowed her gyro before answering". Perhaps better integration of the delectability of the gyro could be achieved.
These are of course very minor, but while they don't individually change the meaning of the sentences or reduce their narrative quality, in numbers and spread out across the rest of the story, it does have a detrimental effect.
Speaking of narrative quality! Beyond technical concerns, I found the story slightly unsatisfying. The hidden identity of the main character and the recounting of geopolitics and ancient history made me think, all the while I was reading this, that something was going to happen. Maybe Starry Nights would discover what she was looking for in the Museum, or connect with some kind of underground society of moon-worshippers, or, I don't know, lie down on some hotel bed made of stone and deliver a last-minute punchline.
Maybe that's a me problem. This is a Slice of Life, after all. But the meandering nature of the story left many things unresolved in a way that itself felt unresolved, compared to other examples of the genre.
Ah well. You might be thinking that's a lot of stuff I didn't like. What about stuff I did like?
The scene descriptions. The characters. The way you establish the city and its history as vivid and active and messy. How Nightmare Moon's eclipse a thousand years ago affected these people, in their own circumstances, in a believable and important way that nonetheless has absolutely nothing to do with some small tribe of alicorns half a world away.
Aleka is a standout side character, and I love how when Starry introduces herself as a "noble scion", Aleka responds with "single", as if 'noble scion' is some kind of relationship status. And from Aleka's perspective, it must have been weird for some odd foreigner to come up to her and basically go "asl?" in early-modern Minosean.
I like Starry, who, despite being a terminal nerd, endears herself by genuinely trying to understand the situation and sympathize with these strange people. I like Selene, the prototypical gentle giant with deadly hugs that is no less entertaining in its thousandth instance.
I could go on and on some more, describing yet more things I like and don't like, but you probably get the picture by now.
TLDR: This story has some consistent minor technical issues and leaves almost everything unresolved in a way that feels slightly unsatisfying even for a Slice of Life, but presents an invented city with history, complexity, and plenty of character. Good stuff.
And what a great first story! I hope to read more from you in the future.
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addressing what seemed to be the biggest criticism across all boards- even outside of this review- being that the story was meandering and ended on an unsatisfying note (and always as a caveat that the story was enjoyable otherwise, which is always flattering). its been a hot minute since i posted the story. ive reread it with fresh eyes, and though at the time i definitely didn't think it ended on an unsatisfying note, i see why it got the impression it made. so, as a piece of self-criticism to supplement the decidedly un-ruthless review:
"the author is good at introducing ideas and the implication of depth, without being able to execute those ideas fully"
bypassing the typical "buh the word count!" excuse, there were many aspects of this story that i simply didnt think through thoroughly. and things i thought were clear weren't so because those ideas were still stuck in my head. i could have done a better job making starry's inner world a much more pressing part of the story so that the ending of 'well, she's gotta look at the bright side of things' hit a better note, or something or other that would have made the story 'better'
anyhow, i won't turn this reply into an endless stream of 'what if?". past addressing the technical writing problems, which i do appreciate, the extended explanation on the narrative and why it felt like it felt short really did give me a lot to think about, and realize this part of my writing that i hadnt formalized into words until now. so, thank you!! and for reviewing this, and for the nice comments beforehand
Hello! Have a review. My apologies for the belated courtesy note: I've had Covid, but this still should have been quicker. I've always liked FiM's use of Greek mythology, so this fitted right in. Atmospheric, with some interesting world-building. Where it fell down a little for me was the word count limit: there's maybe just too much stuff here to fit comfortably in 4k words. Mind you, as your "first story in pretty much ever that actually had a coherent beginning, middle and end" this isn't a bad start at all. I'm glad you've written more since.