A Wonderbolts reserve, tired of staying in the shadows, finds an alternative way to make himself known
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This story has been withdrawn and rewritten entirely with the help of a proofreader, TheAncientPolitzanian.
The original story was a contender for “The new blood” contest
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215333/beans-writing-group; if you'd like to read it, here's the link to a Google document:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/156gBqLis73RFl9F9JT5l1YH6THpX624448uCxeLLRso/edit
Chapters (1)
I loved this! It's a great take on wanting to be famous, and the premise executes on the idea very well. I felt like I understood why he was doing what he was doing from the get-go, which is good. I think you could have spent more time on developing his feeling (ex: how did he react when Bon Bon said "With no one" in the diner?). That said, it didn't overstay its welcome, and it felt like a great snapshot of Thunderlane's life. Well done!
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I’m glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the feedback, since i’m just a beginner any advice is welcome
If I'm not wrong, you wanted a comment for the "ruthless" feedback.
Good things: you wrote it well enough that it's clear where you're trying to go with it. Makes it easier to give advice.
The main issue here is the technique. A proofreader can fix punctuation easily, but grammatical problems like run-on sentences are harder. There's also some errors around verb tenses—for example, I noticed that you use past tense in adverbial phrases when it should be present tense.
("Old ancients ceramics shop" is also an ungrammatical phrase. Is it an old shop that sells ancient ceramics?)
One of the difficult things about your story is how it's not a plot-focused story. Because it's just a showcase of Thunderlane's personality quirk, the entire story basically relies on the quality of the writing itself. However, parts of the writing come off as awkward. The starting scene with the judge felt cliche rather clever, probably because of how short it was. Transition from being initially arrested to the next day was just a single sentence, which wasn't enough of an indication. There's a number of other technical errors as well.
Conversation between Thunderlane and the officers was mixed. The officers could have been more professional in their conversation with each other, or at least they should be trying to present a unified front against Thunderlane. (Or some other common cop dynamic, but as it stands it didn't feel that realistic with the new guy talking back to the senior officer like that.) Thunderlane's cryptic response was good, though.
One last thing I'd like to touch on is the conversation with Bon Bon. The way she stated Thunderlane's fears felt too direct. I think it would have been better for Bon Bon to respond with something that was only tangentially related to Thunderlane's goals, but he draws his own conclusions from it instead. This would both feel more realistic (instead of Bon Bon coincidentally hitting Thunderlane's insecurity right on the nail) and also better shows off Thunderlane's obsession with being known (as he reads way too deep into the conversation).
(“With no one, Lyra, I’ll be right there!” was a great line, though. I'd like to see more stuff like that.)
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Thank you for the comment!
I’ll make sure the next one is better.