All criticism is welcome, but only if you don't hurt my feelings
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Nearly a millennia after Princess Luna banished her elder sister to the Sun, two detectives struggle to track down the unknown perpetrators of a coordinated strike on Fillydelphia's banks.
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This story is an entry in the New Blood Writing Contest for Bean's Writing Group. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Bonus #4: "The main character’s name and identity is never mentioned."
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really cool worldbuilding!!
Excellent story, I didn't expect that ending, this AU has a lot of potential.
One hell of a twist—didn't see it coming at all, honestly.
Hopefully balanced feedback:
I like how after the reveal, everything immediately makes sense. Great job with the setup and twist, which really is the most important thing to get right.
I can't really give suggestions for this story, because I think you wrote it better than I could. However, I think that giving my detailed responses as a reader is still useful.
Opening part is very exposition heavy. It's very funny exposition (once we get the reveal), but it drags a bit while reading.
Took a bit to figure out what the AU was about: "dead of day" and "before Luna raised the moon and everypony started rushing to work" look like the first two indications. Maybe it could have been a bit more heavy-handed.
Lots of cool worldbuilding. Drags a little bit at the beginning, but other than that the pacing was very good. Prose was good technically with no grammatical problems and non-repetitive descriptions.
The (apparently) hypocritical protagonist confused me while reading, even though it's cleared up by the end. Various positive traits (ambitious from opening section, seemed to be a good mentor) contrast with what can only be interpreted as chronic laziness. It kind of feels like the author doesn't know how to write a consistent character (at least until reaching the end). This is kind of a big problem, but also I don't really know how to fix it because it seems necessary for the story to function. This didn't bother me too much, but I think there are some readers that would be.
Sorry for not being more helpful. Seriously, I enjoyed the story.
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Thank you for the feedback. Really, it was quite helpful.
Your criticism is noted. I hadn't thought of that before, and will definitely try to address it should I write a similar character in the future.