Stardust was just like any other thestral, he woke up, he went about his day to day life, and he went to sleep, never breaking from the norm until that fateful day… the day he was ripped from his own reality and thrust into a familiar, yet unknown world, made a pawn in a centuries old feud between an ancient king and powers that threaten to destroy the very universe. Saddled with a role he never asked for, Stardust embarks on an impossible quest, a journey to find his way home and back to the life he left behind, a journey whose outcome could determine the very fate of the world itself.
Chapters (2)
put this in my Read later list looks interesting.
9638658
Thanks!, hope you enjoy it!
Interesting beginning.
9709471
Thanks, I probably could have made that a tiny bit clearer, but the idea is that he's a bat pony that was ripped from some alternate universe. That's a major point in Chapter 2 and will be brought up more in Chapter 5 (and any of the "Labyrinth" chapters for that matter.)
What the heck was that? Do you have two stories going???
9709758
Not necessarily, two characters working towards similar goals across different realities. It'll make more sense down the line. This chapter was purposely written to seem really out of place but there's details and lore that haven't been "discovered" yet by Stardust or Orion that will fill this information in over the course of the story.
So far so good.
9763932
Glad to see you enjoy it. It’s a bit of an experimental project for me so feedback is always welcome and appreciated
Sorry for not responding sooner, been very busy with studies. So far I do like the premise of the story, it sound like a great adventure with personal stakes for the MC and a build of mystery that sounds epic, with lots of room for interesting world building. I would like to say more praises for this story, but the growing saws in your story structure is really starting to hurt it with how much of a rush you are in getting in the actual adventure of your tale.
The first issue I have is that we know very little of Stardust backstory, other then he is from a family that pouts a lot of pride to their Thestral heritage and that his was an astronomer. We unfortunately don't know almost anything his life before he arrived to this world, like his career, his habits, where he lived, what was his life for him in general, how are his family, did a marefriend such little things like that; he is overall still a very undefined character at the moment and that puts him at odds with surrealism of his current situation. Also, there is the fact that there is almost no references to the Equestria of the show, like how the tribes of ponies united together, or how is Celestia and Luna, who are the Theastrals in relation to Equestria or any other major events that happened, it makes it hard to have a sense of how the world he is in is so different from his and how to really compare the two. When doing a fish out of water story you need to create a clear anchor point how peaceful or boring his life was before for him, and if he was content in it or not until he was ripped away from it. At the moment I have the light impression that he was a curious type fellow but at the moment he just seems to be dragged into situations that he doesn't seem committed in it, sense most of where he goes he is just dragged along for the ride in the home of going back to his home again, but that isn't really touched much upon. Also, most good writers on this site that I have seen using this type of makes sure not to take for granted that the reader are familiar with MLP and take the time and care to narrate that world through the lenses of their protagonist.
I think Orion as a lot more back story to him then Stardust does in terms of back story, he know of his goals for his life, the fact that the mission was also a family endeavor, that he had made great sacrifices to follow his goals and that he was making history with his mission before he was snatched away into another reality and I was so much more invested in him then the MC. He also has some companions that have clear characters traits and their goals don't exactly aligns exactly with each other which give a lot .
Other issues that I have seen of the story that I see as missed opportunities, is that Stardust shouldn't have been able to recover so quickly with the lost of his leg, it should have taken at least weeks for him to get his strength up again along with getting to grips with his new situation and the lost of his limb which would he heralding to say the least. During his he could have explore the settlement that he found himself as well as it's population, or read up on any information of this world and geography, along with allowing more about the doc and his friend savior. And also this brings about the issue of his lack of define personalty as he doesn't get the chance to really think about the choice of if he want to take all the risks of traveling alone in an unknown land or stay in this relative safety oasis of the Doc's place and just live out the rest of his life their without taking any risks even if he knows that we won't see his friends and family ever again. Having taken the time to think over his choices would help a lot in defining how he is as a pony. Also, Being given a very expensive prosthetic, and sent on his way without some form of recompense, feels somewhat like a stretch, maybe the Doc could have used him as an errand colt to get stuff for him for a while might have been interesting way to send him elsewhere, and start his journey, as a first mini adventure as a preview of things to come along with developing more characters before he is sent to the deeper ends of the pool.
I believe that you could take more time in exploring area more in their descriptions and meeting more different characters, even if it has nothing to do with the main plot would help to maker the world feel more alive for the readers.
Also, I have through this issue to another writer with the same issue, and the resection didn't go so well, in my insistence of adding a prologue to his otherwize great story, so I won't harp on the subject in further on it in the future.
Good luck on the next chapter, and I really hope you will consider adding a prologue to your story.
9927200
So first off, I just want to say thank you very much for leaving this feedback, it really does help a ton. This story is very much a passion project for me and as such I really want to make sure it's as good as I can make it.
Regarding the first point, I've felt the same way about fleshing his backstory out more and I originally wanted to delve into it a lot earlier but felt that it slowed the narrative down a bit. That's why there's smaller details peppered in throughout so far, and there's actually a big chunk of his own personal history and insight that gets brought up in the next chapter along with Axion's. The idea behind including that was that it sort of bridged the two who don't really have anything to relate to, along with getting more of that information across. It also gives them something to build up trust with, and becomes an eye opener for the two of them.
The issue of having little reference to the Equestria from the show gets brought up in depth later on, but given this feedback I want to bring this up a bit sooner, maybe go over what some of this world's locations correspond to the ones he's familiar with, especially given that this world is explained as a sort of branch in a timeline and it's different in many ways as a result. The little backstory chat he has in the next chapter could be a good way to bring it in in an organic way that doesn't come off as plain exposition and builds onto his character some more. The somewhat related question about what Celestia and Luna (and other alicorns) are up to is actually directly expanded upon in a future chapter. It should shed a lot of light on the world's backstory along with the nature of how he was brought to it, though I might flesh out the existing explanations a bit more to delve into it sooner.
I tried to work some slight hints in that Xenith might be using him as a sort of errand runner given that he's not well liked among other communities and in some cases is even wanted dead, but I could definitely go back in and flesh that out a bit more in past and future chapters to make the idea a lot clearer.
As for including a prologue, I had actually toyed around with it for quite some time, and for probably three months, this story's opening went through revision after revision until I felt happy with it. Orion's introduction at one point served as the "cold open" for the story, but I felt that it flowed better when moved where it sits now. This is something that I might play around with a little to see what works best in that regard. The Lost Souls (Orion's group) serve an important purpose, and the nature of their sections lent itself towards fleshing their backstories out a bit more.
So in relation to the other issues you brought up, I really like the idea of fleshing his recovery out a little, and I might skip a month or two of updates just to focus on fleshing the first handful of chapters out a bit to include more of that, it gives a nice opportunity for him to acclimate to his strange new surroundings a bit more, and would also serve a dual purpose of including some more world building and personal backstory in. Some backstory and insight into his prosthetic was planned to get brought up at some point, though I might bring it up sooner just so it's made a lot more clear and doesn't come out of nowhere. A lot of this might get brought up in a fleshed out chapter 3, which won't take up a significant part of the story, but will at least delve into some of these ideas more.
Once again I just want to say thanks a ton, because feedback like this really helps me figure out what works and what doesn't, and I'm already thinking of different ways to rework some content and flesh out more in the future. Like I said at the beginning of this comment, this is a passion project and I really want to make it the best it can be, so comments like this are a huge help in that regard.
9927280
Happy to hear you appreciate the comments despite the bad spelling. The prologue idea was just a meant as a simple solution to avoid exactly going through editing multiple chapter with the minimum effort in one added chapter. But I certainly understand and agree with the 'cold opening' and I would love if you could edit multiple chapter, but I am afraid that you might lose momentum with constantly looking backward with falling into the trapping of constant re-editing. If you think you can pull it off, good on you, just be warned about it.
But if you want a few suggestions on what might help to better develop Stardust(never take any of them strait up without thinking about it or putting in your own spin on it) then here it goes. Axion could offer Stardust to help him with a few scavenging operations, even if he doesn't really need the assistance to help the newly cripple and marooned pony to get some capital for himself to start living off on his own and to stop leeching off of his and the Doc's good will. This would help with developing their their trust and friendship between them, would help to show Stardust all the physical labor he will have to put in to survive this world and to get a grasp on it and to have more actual interaction between the two, and to flush Axion's character some more. Learning to barter and trade could be a wake-up call for Stardust that he has to be careful with ponies that he deals with along with dealing with ponies that have never known the life of safety and trust of his Equestria and are more then willing to exploit, lie, cheat, steal, threaten, or even kill him out of anything that would allow them to stay ahead for an extra day. it could also serve as a prelude to what is waiting for Startdust of when he actually leaves the settlement.
At the moment Axion is more of a reference book for Stardust who doesn't really do anything after saving his life, and for pretty flimsy reasons decides to accompany Stardust, or at least not strong enough feel that he would drop his livelihood just to help a stranger out to find home beyond just saving his life, unless this if part of one of his job to help the doc out. It could be that he his just a good sanitarian wanting to help out at least finding a path home, it could be that he is just fascinated about Stardust and where he comes from that he wants to stick around him a little longer, or it could that he has a crush on him, or, being more cynical here, he was payed by Doc to make sure that he reaches the first destination and doesn't accidentally kills himself on the first trip of his errands.
What would help the world building more is that Stardust talk to or interact more characters then then just the Doc, Axion, and the captain to explain everything of what happening as exposition dumps, and to allow Stardust to actually make subjective opinions of his own on what's happening around him and give more insight about his character, which is where it hurts the most in your story at the moment.
You can also skip a lot of his companions just doing exposition dumps by doing time skips and just narrate the overview on what they said and just explain the important bits glossing over them. What also hurt the story is that Stardust is just said that facts but doesn't witness any of the m personally, like the unicorn's being insular or that Theastrals are often discriminated because of their reputations, which is apparently rightly earned of being bandits, pirates, and thugs. It would help that he encounters some of them and see that for himself if it is true or not, even cut off Axion or anyone he is relying on at the moment, or that he gets repeatedly being discriminated about it, even amounts his own.
You could also get around to explain some of the technologies underpinning this world or it's magic, being very different from his own. Like the airship, while they also exist in his Equatria it would help to have an idea of what they look like and how they function, for the sake of the readers of not knowing anything about them, being not living in a magical land of techno-colored talking horses and all. These things might not even work any normal engines or even kept lifted in the air by hydrogen, it could held together by pegasus magic with the air bags being actually filled with clouds or that they can also use thunder clouds as weapon, remember the shows the laws of physics are different for them, their don't have the same constraints as we do, go wild with ideas.
I hope this helps, and just to remind you, these are just suggestions on how you could deal with it. Don't hesitate taking the long road in exploring the details of places and characters.
9927564
I’ll definitely keep these in mind, at the moment it seems like chapter 3 and maybe the crystal city chapter might be the only two that are given serious expansions, the rest should fit in nicely around those. Thanks again for the feedback!
9927751
Also one last thing that I just though about you could use the in between chapter of when Stardust wakes at the end and the following one of when they start his trip that you could add a full chapter to show his recovery recovery period and do a little character development while while he thinks over if he will go though with the voyage or not and the the much needed world building. It would allow to keep the cold arrival that you are going with and I I promise I won't add anything to this after this one.
9928598
Hey no worries, like I said before, I really do appreciate the substantial feedback, it really does help a lot. I gave the idea of making that it's own chapter a thought and I'm going to look at how the recovery content comes out, and go from there. Right now the outline for that section alone is about 1,500 words (of just a description of what's going to happen) which'll most likely fill out a full chapter's worth of content, but I want to make sure that it'll balance out enough.
I wonder how does Onix seem to know so about about the prosthetic? I know the hanged a lot with Doc, but he seems to be very knowledgeable for a salvager, is it from experience from his friends or family or is it that he had had a lot extend lectures from doc or having played chiroteraphist for a lot of his patients while he was working on other thing? Even if it was stated that he was his assistant a reminder would have helped.
Would have helped to narrate his thoughts on the matter, between suspicions of just being a lab rat to experiment on to expecting him to indenture him into his service by depth or gratitude, just now just understanding his angle on the matter, but is none the less grateful that he managed to get one in the first place; those are the little details that you seem to often seem miss in your writing after a dialog.
Would have helped to explain why he didn't though the issue was a big one seeing that the settlement could just happen not to have any, but the most important would be to explain ponies are as divided by tribe from where he comes and that tribalism was much rarer back home.
would have helped if you added is facial expression to add to the humor like: 'Onix grind at his own gallo's humorbut did underline the the fact that the metallic limb could actually drag him down into the water like a weight,'
[again he was fussing over me like a mother hen] just an example suggestion you could add to your dialogue heavy writing to break off the monotony of the dialogue.
For Gear Grinder he was a nice touch to add to the liveliness of the settlement.
Okay, the chapter certainly help fill in a lot of the gaps in Stardust's motives to go in this adventure even if the romance part seems a little out there, but it can work. I wonder who is this marfriend of his. Onyx still comes off as an exposition dump, but he genuinely seems to have a lot more character to him with how much he fusses over Stardust in his therapy, he really seems to care for him from the looks of it. Zenith seems to have a clearer back story to him and it comes off as an old man that still longs for his wanderlust that he had when he was young, and Gear seems to have a good reference to his past and helps show the Doc's relation in the community, though I wonder why Gear decided to stay there in spite of being apparently a high level tinkerer, could be something to explore later one.
At the moment your dialogue are generally pretty good, but it isn't properly backup with proper narrative to show in what tone characters say things and the narrator could also reflect more about Stardust's deep pondering on what's he things he is seeing, or hear his assumptions on them before being proven wrong.
I hope my comments helps you a little, it is a marked improvement, keep it up.
9958893
Feedback definitely helps, especially when it goes into great detail like yours does.
There's some stuff that was intentionally left a big vague because the next chapter goes on to explain more of everyone's backstories and I didn't want to just dump it all into a single chapter. I felt like it worked better to gradually delve into it more as the narrative progresses, so as Stardust moves around and onward he starts to pick up more about the ponies he's working with and the world they live in. Introducing Gear helped tease some of the locales and ponies we'll see down the line, and this chapter actually touches on a couple things that seem small now, but will heavily play into the endgame down the line. Stardust's own personal history was meant to be delved into the most in Chapter 11 (Previously Chapter 10), but I figured that introducing some of it here helped ease into it better. I have a few more slice of life esq chapters planned out that take place immediately after the action that starts in the next chapter, and those actions will act as something that gives Stardust some much needed perspective. Without giving anything away, it might change his views on his whole journey and how trusting he's been so far.
Thanks again for the feedback so far, it seriously helps more than you might think!
9958938
Happy to hear it.
I wonder if Stardust's arriving in this world also changed his mind in some way, for an astronomer, who usually live out a fairly dull and predictable life, he seems very antsy to leave the settlement considering his previous life style he just lost, and seems way too composed and calm on the matter to want to find a way back with out even a semblance of a plan on what to do or even a clue how he could come back to his world. He seems to be strangely stricken by wanderlust for a lab scholar and for a guy who just lived through a traumatic experience for the first time. Could there be something be also guiding him or manipulating him for his own ends? This is not meant as a critic, I did enough of that already, but more as an avenue maybe to explore. Of Onyx, I am starting to real think he has a crush on him, strangely still seems to be okay following him even if he said that he had a fiance; I wonder where that could leave.
9960601
Without delving into spoiler territory, the talk with Gear about the outpost he's working in is going to be something that sits in the back of Stardust's mind for a while, even if he's not actively talking about it. There's some interactions and events that come up in the next chapter that bring some of Stardust's own motivations and more importantly, what he thinks is driving him, into question and it's going to lead into another slice of life type "intermission" where he starts to question whether the risk is really worth it. There were threads laid down from the very beginning that seem minor or benign now, but will come back into the narrative down the line in a very big way.
I have plans in mind for Onyx, and some of those will come up during those chapters, but he'll also play a large role down the line as well.
And there's still the whole side narrative with the Lost Souls that gets brought up every once in a while. They might seem like insignificant dreams or memories, but the reality is much more than that and it'll start to tie in with the "A" plot sooner rather than later.
The writing is definitely improving, the casual descriptions of areas flowed well with a little back story on what parables and distinctions he could recognized, wasn't bad. You did a good job in describing his deep thoughts, feelings and impressions in the first few paragraphs, but then completely drop it when the dialogue started. While the dialogue between the two were very informative and could have told a lot more in between the two, if we could have hear Stargaze's thoughts and reactions responses on what he got from Onyx, which turned out to be more of dull lifeless info dump sadly. You certainly did a much better job in adding adding a more flow-y dialogue along with subtle gestures between dialogue to break the monotony of back and forth dialogue that you sussed to do before, but it still needs more substance to it, there were a lot of moments where the dialogue could have been so much more enriched with more insightful thoughts from Stargaze internal monologue.
You could have added: 'After all, I have nothing to lose in not trying at least, I don't belong in this dangerous world, I don't have any attachment to anypony here, and as why wouldn't I do my everything in my, limited, power to get back home and to my love one; who wouldn't?'
This would go a long way in helping adding a tone of conviction and desperation to go back from where he came from.
You could also end it with: 'He let a sigh of reluctant resignation, head slumping, looking outward at the beautiful landscape, obviously not too happy with my decision, probably would rather be back at doing scavenging back at the settlement as he usually did, maybe.'
This would help emphasize that Onyx is accompanying out of responsibility and concern for Stargaze and not for any wanderlust.
“I can imagine. Is it really all that similar?” [Onyx snickered, seemingly amused by my speech I was making.]I hope it helps to convey what I mean, and that it will assist in your writing somehow.
10130177
This definitely helps a lot. I might go in and rework the dialogue slightly, and I’m definitely going to keep this in mind for the next chapters. Thanks!
10130336
Happy to hear it, just keep in mind that most of what I suggested was meant as internal monologues.
10130359
Definitely, this is my first largely first person story so a lot of it is experimental and trial and error. I don’t want to go back and drastically rework stuff but I do think I’ll go back and give it some polish down the line so this definitely helps a ton
Hum, you changed the cover art. Well, While I still see some of the same issues that is plaguing your story, like the lack of description of characters and environment; I didn't know Sunbeam was a pegasus several paragraph after the captain argued with him, and for the life of me I can't say anything more about him beyond that he was a throwaway character for the sake of making an example of how serious the situation is for Stardust. I have a lot of trouble remebering what the other characters look like and there really isn't anything keeping in reminding those little details. I could get that the stilted dialogue seems more like a stylistic choice more then anything else,, and I could go with it but I do greatly appreciate that you finally started to add more of a tone in describing how they talk really helps to set a mood to how the rapports are going. seeing a little parcels of Stardust's thoughts on what is happening around were good moments that I did enjoyed, and I wished that you did the same for all the rest of the story with more introspection pondering on MC part would help a long way.
Another issues that seemed to bother but to a lesser extent was how the whole chapter seemed to have been happening in the space of less then an hour, more like 20 minutes, but I all stands to say that it seemed like one continuous stream of event with nothing in between, there wasn't anything to interrupt to suggest a passage of time of a few hours or a little time trying to understand how the ship worked or how it really looked like, I am guessing your typical steampunk ship with balloons, but that is just a haft hazard guess.
The friction with the crew and the captain was a very nice addition, and really helped to sell the idea he is only in charge so long as the crew wished it to be, and that Stardust really isn't wanted on the ship and things could turn very badly for him very quickly if he isn't careful about it , but again I think it could have been better explained with Stardust exploring the ship some more and have more contact with the crew working in the different sections of the ship.
The writing of the overall chapter, while nice for the most part, didn't grip my mind all that much, except for the a few moments here and there that were interesting, which seem to suggest some blooming in the quality of the story, but isn't evenly spread in the chapter. But one of those few gold nuggets that I did enjoy reading, like the more whimsical tone of the writing when took when the sirens was taking over the ship with the descriptions taking on a more playful tone to it helps to add the feeling of dread to the situation which just wasn't really there before for the Stardust parts of the story. The negotiations was a mixed bag, while I did enjoy the powerful capricious threats sirens posed, the loss of Sunbeam, or rather the talk between him and the captain was awkward; not that it was bad but I didn't had a sense how deep their relationship as captain and first mate seemed was as our only knowledge of him was the one scene with Axion telling nothing of their long complicated history together, of trust and mistrust of each other that it was supposed to suggesting when the life was snuffed out of him. I think he could have been an interesting foiled for the captain and have a sense of gagging the mood of the crew from Sunbeam, and possibly having try to get Stardust in an 'accident' that go him killed could have been fun to see.
The part Were Stardust was somehow used like a puppet, while an interesting idea, and opens a lot of interesting new dynamic to the situation, sounded a bit too forceful, mostly because of the execution could have been slightly better handled in the confusion everything happening.
While I do see a definitive improvement in the writing in different section of the chapter it would just need to be spread through out the whole chapter now. Keep up the good work.
Sorry man, what I mean is that I definitively see signs improvement in your writing it is just that it needs to expand and apply on all those good elements to the rest of the chapter. you are doing a much better job as describing the tone of in how the characters say things thoughtout the chapter, which is a massive improvement from before with the empty dialogue, what is still missing in a limited first person perspective are the little clues and hints of the MC impressions of what the interlocutor is saying and meaning putting the implicit into the more explicit leaving the guess work more to the smaller details.
Again sorry
10238015
Firstly, let me just say that I appreciate all of the feedback each chapter. This is my first first person story and to be honest it's really a big writing exercise for me. Out of all of my stories it's kind of my passion project so I like that I'm getting constant feedback and encouragement with it, it really keeps me motivated. I'm glad you noticed the cover art change, it really wasn't anything big, just changing the character art at the bottom to better reflect how Stardust looks in the story.
So getting into comments and feedback, here's a little background for this chapter. I felt that I had hit a wall in it's development and realized that I needed to overhaul some of my plans for the future, and even stuff that came before it. I wound up spending close to 7 months stuck on writing it because I realized I hadn't set up enough for the future, and in the end I wound up rewriting this chapter at least twice, splitting off parts of it into different chapters that came before and after it. I eventually hit a point where I just needed to publish it so I could move on instead of being stuck on one section even longer. As I said this is really a big creative exercise for me, so I decided to go back and work in some rolling updates to previous chapters and write this chapter with those updates in mind. Regarding Sunbeam, he gets brought up when you first meet Axion, but I'm fleshing his role out a lot more, having him be this character that is constantly against Axion's "foolish" plans to go help some ponies they didn't really need to help. Stardust kind of being compelled to go off on this adventure has come up before, especially regarding his motives being wanting to get back to a lover in his own world, but not being able to really remember details about them, something that gets attributed to amnesia. It really shows the most in this chapter and gets elaborated on more in the next and further subsequent chapters. The passage of time would have been better conveyed if I had kept this chapter in it's originally intended form that would have included the previous chapter, and probably the next two chapters as one big chapter, but I felt that stuff wasn't working the way I needed it to and that resulted in the splits.
That said, you have a great point and I want to go back in and adjust that a little more, making it clear that there's a whole day passing through, with the next chapter opening at night. Stardust exploring the ship more was going to be included originally, but didn't fit with the "being driven to pursue this quest despite how crazy it is" plot point. This directly gets addressed in the next couple chapters, and he'll eventually start exploring more of the world around him out of genuine interest rather than by some weird vision that's been guiding him. I've definitely been trying to work on the descriptive writing more, especially having his own thoughts start to pop in more.
Again, thanks for the continued feedback, I appreciate it a lot.
how the hell did I just post an entirely blank comment on accident
anyway me like
9763932
indeed
big sad
Read the chapter and I have this to say, excellent work, you manged to communicate the MC thoughts thoughts about himself and the situation he finds himself in, the writing is still at a breakneck speed but you manage to communicate the emotions though the narration pretty well even if it feel like it was damn that just bursts out, but it really helped to empathize with Stardust in the story which is what hard to relate to in previous chapter because he just seemed to be there and dragged along for the ride. The adding of sensation about his prosthetic limb was a nice touch. The the captain being a changeling while being nice twist, didn't really elicits much of a reaction and we don't know he he is a original changeling or reformed one, this is one of the problems of your often lack of descriptions, and seem they just move see to move with really settling the issue aside properly.
You tend to give the descriptions after the first quarter of the story and then bring it back toward the end, with stating the goals and that is at stack for everyone. Still this was a massive improvement in your writing, keep it up.
10340218
Thanks for the feedback, It really genuinely means a lot to me that you keep giving advice and critique with every new chapter. It’s something that I’ve been struggling to get, and that’s been kind of bringing my mood down at times, so this is genuinely a joy to get to read.
This story is very much a big learning experience and writing exercise. It’s my first time ever writing out first person and it’s also my first time writing out a long serialized story in that style and evidently I still have a lot to learn. I’ve always written third person so I wanted to try something new with this.
I tried to hide in little subtle details that might betray the captain’s true identity from as far as his introduction, and while they’re subtle, they’re there if you read into some of it deep enough.
10340244
What I mean about the not not getting much of a reaction about the captain being a changeling is that we didn't get much of a reaction from Stardust on the subject, after all changelling in his world comes in two types the love sucking ones and the reform one, and we don't really know what is the overall opinion of this Equestria on changelling and what they do to survive in a world full of strife with the MLP Equestria were already starving when Equestria was full of love and peace, so I can only imagine how bad a state these changeling are in or maybe that they are actually in a better state then before their reformation. As far as I know Startdust should have either fled or tried to hold him down to know what actually happened to the captain, being a race of deceivers doesn't help them in getting a good reputation in either cases at the best of times.
10340297
Makes perfect sense, I might go in and make some small adjustments to show that he’s still in shock and not really processing everything like he normally would
ii would agree. excellent chapter.
10346429
Glad you enjoyed it, this story is one of my passion projects so this genuinely means so much to me
how dare you walk me right into a cliffhanger
Well, you do a good job in describing the environment and the Stardust's thoughts when you want to in specific place but you you don't apply it evenly in the entire chapter which exposes both your highs and your lows in your wiring skills.
10378257
First off thanks again for the comment, I really appreciate getting feedback each update. I’ve been trying my best with each new chapter, but obviously there’s still room for improvement and a lot to learn. I’ve kind of been going through some stuff irl and writing’s become my way to get through that, so I like to think I’m gradually getting better at it with each new project.
10378484
Sorry to hear what is happening in IRL for you and I can understand that writing is an escapism for you.
Your writing is actually very good in style and i do get swept away with the throws of passion in the moment, but incomplete, you can do a good job in describing an environment and explain what MC is thinking/motives are, but you only apply it in certain areas and not the entire chapter which is what is hurting your story in being completely engaging. I know what they are doing and saying but i don't know the why the how, or what the MC intuition is telling him or suggesting or implying in the middle of your dialogue heavy sections, which could really use it because they seem like they are just telling a scripted speed and we have no idea what their body language or what do action that up an emphasis on what they are saying. You also don't explain why the MC doesn't or shouldn't trust that pony in his dream and what he actually think about all the wild stories he is telling him, who would even believe that some interdenominational robots/automaton could start hunting him down and what are the elements makes him think that he is now telling him the whole truth and such. You also tend to make the mistake of assuming that readers knows things from the show, which is not wrong at all on that point, but the problem is that you take for granted that we know what the MS knows as facts back in Equestria, like what are the facts/propaganda he was told by his media about Changelings, on how up to date he his about their ALL abilities, The mane Six knows them for would you average Equestrian know all those facts by heart or witness it themselves; and that is true for everything else from his equestria on how it works. Same, with serpent/sirens what are that facts that he knows about them do they exist in his Equestia as far as he knows, what sort of assumptions he would make about their behaviors to know they would actually keep their work. There isn't any really build up toward anything they just seem to happen... and i am stuck with just having to believe without any build up of tension or a process that complicate the matter of achieving their quest to save Onyx.
10378548
I'm definitely trying to get better at this. Just getting feedback helps so much, and I really can't thank you enough for it. Obviously it won't be an overnight improvement, but I'm trying my best with it.
10378817
Sorry, I don't have much to say anymore.
Really sorry
10378955
No worries at all, I was just saying I appreciated everything so far,
I have arrived, Zero. I see a good deal of promise with this one
The pacing. It’s breakneck, the reveals are quite cool but they are coming rather fast, no reason to spoil the mystery. Let the reader work for this stuff. It’s such a cool reveal that it seems disappointing to learn it all so quickly, makes me wonder at whether there will be any questions left going further into the story.
That said, I love the concept you’re proposing. Sort of… Chrono Cross meets Doctor Who.
I’m not usually into all OC casts, but the writing is good enough to get over that and read on.
I’m enjoying this so far, I’m going to continue enjoying it. I can tell. I’ll continue to comment with each chapter as well.
This is quite a cool visual! I really enjoy the way you paint a scene. I think you are stronger (as most people are) in 3rd Person narrative form. But this chapter is shining, and it’s early yet! Feels like you gained years of experience between the end of Chapter 1 and the beginning of Chapter 2.
Though, I notice that you pay little attention to details which make it clear that we are dealing with quadrupeds. I feel that this deprives them of depth and character that might draw any reader closer to them. Thestrals have wings, no? Don’t really have a lot of body language written in to this narrative, at least not so far. So all I'm really trying to say is paint a picture of the characters as well as the scenes they are in.
I… don’t trust this one!
I absolutely love how historical differences, ramifications, and such are explained so well with the exposition in this story. Mind, the pacing still feels a bit fast, but it’s still quite a nice read.
I'm quite enjoying this story!
10399734
I have been trying to explain that to him sense I first commented to him, not that I any good at explaining things in general. He has a tendency to skip a lot on the body language and general descriptions of both characters and surroundings, along with a communicating characters personalities or intent in their behaviors. But I will admit that he is good at keeping good flow in his writing if way too fast to allow any settling for a moment.
10431276
Your feedback is something I really appreciate and I'm still trying to learn more from it. This is my first first person story, and evidently that style of writing is not my forte. That's part of why I put it on the back burner, so I can focus on a couple of other projects and then get back to giving this one some more love. One of my my other stories, New Horizons, has a new chapter out which finishes up an ongoing arc, which means I'll probably shift focus to Stardust for a while while I plot out the next part. Hopefully I'll get back to this soon, and hopefully be able to utilize that kind of descriptiveness a lot more. There's obviously some hurdles I'm struggling to get over in that regard, but I'm trying to learn from it.
10431294
I do in fact like your more fanciful style of writing, it's really good, it's just that it's hard to understand or visualize what's happening when my brain actually catches up to the events.
10431311
Something I’m going to try and do is get more feedback and pre readers before publishing, and maybe go back in and rework some stuff some more