• Member Since 6th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen February 15th

Fimbulvinter


Yea, I'm a writer and I occasionally freelance as an editor or collaborator.

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A Changeling drone comes to Canterlot offering an explanation of the attempted invasion during the wedding and a through description of changeling shape-shifting abilities in exchange for Equestria's help in saving the hive from extinction.

Celestia accepts the offer,eager to learn more about a potential threat to Equestria but it becomes clear that this deal is far more complicated than it first appears. Has Chrysalis really changed or is this simply they build up to her next little scheme?

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 53 )

Huh, interesting. Different but quite similar to my own, in alot of respects. It doesn't appear we're treading on each other's toes, so I'll just wish you the best of luck with this and get on with my own story.

1327104 What is yours called? would be interesting to compare.

1327226 Glad you liked it, chapter 3 is almost done

That's the thing, it's also called 'Interview with a Changeling.' and i'm seeing alot of... rather strikingly similar scenes, thus far.

You can find it on my page here, if you care to compare.

Make it as long as you need to, it's good :twilightsmile: .

I'm liking this.:twilightsmile:

I did spot errors::twilightsheepish:
What follows in an account
The first one, Hard hitter
Drone looked at Celestia how nodded
the entire thing was should have gone
even hungrier that we began

the reasoning behind the aborted invasion. (the invasion wasn't aborted, which means canceled, it was defeated)

Now on to ch.2:pinkiehappy:

...I really don't think that Celestia would be this...hasty...to accept a deal like this...And I really don't believe that Cadence and Shining would be that willing to go to the hive after a few minutes of conversation with Drone.

Speaking of which I forgot to mention this on the first comment, I'm getting a really strong Mass Effect 2 vibe from this story, especially the part with trying to get Drone's name. Kept waiting for Edi to pop up and call him Legion.

More errors:
She would have to get the chancellor to arrange that his articles from this meeting receive royal clearance before being published. (this sentence is a bit clunky. I'd rewrite as "She would have to ensure that the chancellor receive royal clearance before his articles were published.")
Celestia noticed the Cadance took
as for the happy ponies part, How do you think
about how you would like some volunteers for feed the colony.
Both as gesture of goodwill those innocent in all of this,

Additionally You seem to use apostrophes ( ' ) for dialogue instead of quotation marks ( " ) I'm fairly certain that's wrong.

My queen could not control herself and kept draining you of your sweet tasty love...:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

My goodness was that an awkward line, nothing wrong with it, but I would have loved to see Shining's face when he heard it.

1327870 Celestia knows that something is being hidden in this deal, but is pragmatic enough to know that to delay too long is to condem the entire hive to death.

I was going for a Mass Effect vibe from Drones introduction. Legion was awsome. He does not understand the question as the concept of individuallity is alien to him.

Thank you for spotting out errors, fixing them now.

EDIT: Fixed

1327325>>1327337


For a moment i was soo confused, did the author delete and repost his story? :rainbowlaugh:

Good i checked the comments and saw its just the same name and similar story. :pinkiecrazy:

kapitiseniornet.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/and-so-it-begins1.jpg?w=584

Time for adventure and shenanigans!

Further proofing for ya:
instructing them as which nobles (on)
be impressed in Phalanx (if)
government would just as bad (be)
Rather than us an illusion to (use)

Well I seriously like where you're taking this. Fleur was awesome in this, and I like what you're doing with Trixie. Seems she may actually be a challenge for Twilight now, must have done some serious magic training in her exile.
I do hope Flitter makes it. I don't like it when ponies die.:fluttershysad:

and proofing:
across the Chimera back ( 's)
grab Trixie and let go
into the darken cave

1341002 Once again thanks for the grammar checks, no matter how many times I look over the chapter, I can never find them all.

Trixie has done what Trixie does best, found a shortcut solution to greater power by combining a few spells together. full disclosure will happen in the epilouge chapter, to be up shortly.

1341439
No problem, few people can.

Epiogue?! No no no no no, I want more.

1341555 Don't worry, there is another whole chapter between now and the epilouge. plenty still to come

1336925 titles were just coincidental. no relation between them

EDIT: altered the title of my story slightly to aleviate further confusion.

:yay:D'aaaww. So sappy, in a good way of course.

I was kind of expecting a sub-romance between Blueblood and Trixie. The ultimate battle of egos.:rainbowwild:
Good epilogue. Not to mention a major:

At the end.

Well looks like this is the last time I do this for this story::rainbowdetermined2:
Ch.5
as I understand this one of their (is)
After we removed the suppression band from your horn, went all strange, like my sister does when she channels her strongest spells (your eyes went, sisters do)
private fantasy of your (choice)
she shell began to shine
preferring to let other more qualified handle the task of providing love. (either 'others' or other ponies)
Ch.6
That I also spent many months practicing my magic basics didn’t hurt either”. (That and spending)
at once. the two reporters
that you saide you

Good luck with what every you decide on to write next.:twilightsmile:

1343706 Obligatory sequel setup

as for the Trixie/Blueblood romance, It has been done before, though they are practically made for each other. Still that is what sequels are for:pinkiehappy:.

Characters like Trixie are fun to write. you can make her as beligerant as you want and get away with it, because that was how it was in the show

My next story will be 'Tugging at my undead heartstrings' but that will be a way off yet. (please don't steal the title anypony)

Oooooooooh.... Snap!

1447474
Fear not intrepid reader, a follow up story is in progress. I hope you like Trixie:trixieshiftleft:

1449431 Yes. But i dont think people should blame her for the Ursa. She didn't bring it to ponyville. People are often much too hard on her... :fluttershysad:

1450995
She will earn forgiveness in this comming story, plus some new cool magic to boot

1451434 I did like how you made her a cappable mage in your story. It's kinda stupid to think a mare who travels equestria alone wouldnt know some powerful magic. :facehoof:

1451619
Trixie is an intresting case. some people think that she is weak, and knows little magic. others put her on par with Twilight.

personally I think that Trixie and Twilight are about equal in terms of raw ability, but the fact that Twi has had only the finest in magical education, while little is known of Trixie's origins (Possibly self-taught) gives Twi the advantage, not to mention that the Element of magic may be giving her a sizable boost as well.

1452000 Exactly what i was thinking. It's a good view of polar opposits. They're both reletively equel in power however, Twilight has had the perfect education and endless theoretical knowlege from her studying whereas; Trixie has struggled through life picking up a good amount of practical experience but has been unable to gain access to the knowlege required to effectivly show it. I like to think of Twilight as a solar mage and Trixie as a Lunar mage. She would have made an excellect student of Luna dont'cha think?

1453401 The Sun/Moon relationship between Twilight and Trixie will feature in the upcomming story but in a different way to those reasons suggested, But I've said too much.

Chapter 1 is done but not submitted, will do so later in the week once chapter 2 is well underway.

Reading through the story atm. I just had to comment that I can't believe you took the line from Sarah Kerrigan in Broodwar at the end there. Not in a bad way, just amuses me greatly that you used it. Also Trixie is best pony. ^_^

1555641 At last. Some one who caught that reference. And Trixie is best pony

Part 1 seems nice so far, I will give the rest of the story chance.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors

Name of Story: Interview with the Changeling

Short review
Grammar score out of 10: 8 There were some incidents I thought a comma or a word was missing, but nothing apart from that.

Pros:
- Very nice concept of changeling organization/psychology/physiology
- Easy to follow and not the slightest bit of tedious
- Trixie was a real treat

Cons:
- Celestia seems out of character to me
- Pacing of the fight scene was a bit slow for my taste
- Dialogue was sometimes hard to pin to the respective speaker

Longer Review / Notes
I'll be elaborating the points I've made in addition to other things that caught my attention in regard to their respective chapters.

Chapter 1: I liked how you emphasized the insect character of the changelings by giving them a caste system similar to bees or other comparable insects. However, I wondered why Chrysalis would put a drone in charge of such an important task if there was a whole nobility caste to choose from.

Chapter 2: Loved the royal canterlot voice! However, as mentioned in my Cons list, I though that Celestia seemed out of character—not because of the cake-thing, but about her thoughts regarding her subjects. It somehow seemed very un-benevolent-ruler-style to me to be complaining about suck-ups, even if it was only her thoughts. Also, to a proposedly immortal being, one evening should seem like a really low price to pay for information about a race she has yet next to no knowledge off.
Also, Cadence and Shining Armor agreed to readily to the terms set by Chrysalis... I thought they might have had a private conversation about it at the very least.

Chapter 3: I loved the humorous way you wrote from the perspective of Phalanx, that was really well done.
I here have to complain about Celestias depiction again, sorry. I thought the notion of thinking about turning the rule of Equestria to a dictatorship was a bit off... Since Celestia is a goddess and the supreme ruler without separation of powers (at least it is never mentioned), it is a theocracy and she practially IS the dictator already. In that respect, the notion about a line for the throne seems absurd to me, since only another goddess or god would be suitable, but no mortal. I do not know if these ideas of mine are canon, fanon or my private fantasies, but it bothered me.

Another notion to that chapter is, that you should write "two" instead of "2" in prose. The numbers break up the text flow in my opinion. You also changed between the two ways—if you insist on using numbers, stick to it.

I love, love loved the little sidestory about Smarty Pants lecturing advanced particle physics to Twilight, that was hilarious! I also loved the name Horstralia and Constant Vigil. Maybe I'm too much of a Potterhead but I think Madeye Moody would have approved.

I have a question though, what did you mean by the "almighty Faust?" I know only one Faust (the one from Goethes play), and he is not almighty at all.

Chapter 4: A thing I had not noticed up until then was that you don't use dialogue attribution consistently. Adding a he said, she said now and then makes it easier to follow who is talking. What particularily confuses people is when you put the reaction of someone into the same paragraph as the dialogue he reacts to. EG:

“I’m fine. When your marefriend went up against the captain of the guards, she was radiating exhilaration and joy. I was able to feed off of those emotions and get my fill. I will be fine until we reach the hive tomorrow”.

“Well then, I think it is time to turn in don’t you”. Drone agreed.

The first paragraph is something Drone says, the second is what Fancy Pants answers plus Drones reaction. Instead, you could write:

“I’m fine. When your marefriend went up against the captain of the guards, she was radiating exhilaration and joy. I was able to feed off of those emotions and get my fill. I will be fine until we reach the hive tomorrow,” Drone said.

“Well then, I think it is time to turn in don’t you?” suggested Fancy Pants.

Drone agreed.

Although on second thought, agreeing is an interpreted action and not a primary one, which does not paint a clear picture. How did he agree? Did he nod, did he say something that is not mentioned in the text, did he write a letter saying "Yes, you're right about that."? I would avoid these and instead be more precise.

Also regarding dialogue, you might want to add in some more descriptive passages to avoid the "floating heads" syndrome, if that is a term to you. If not: Even the best written dialogue of all time does not convey body language or other subtle things ponies might be doing while they are talking, yet these are crucial to make communication credible and, again, paint a more vivid picture of the scene.

In the fight scene, I would try to shorten some sentences. This one, for instance:

Instantly it was clear that Flitter was out of this fight, he crashed to the ground and stumbled away with a lack of balance suggestive of a night of heavy drinking.

This is a big ass long sentence, and it disrupts the action in my opinion. Instead, you could put it like this:

Instantly, it was clear that Flitter was out of this fight. He crashed to the ground, stood up again and stumbled away, swaying as if intoxicated.

I also replaced your night of heavy drinking here, since it, at least for me, paints a picture of a pub, out with friends, laughter, women... While not unwelcome, it is not a picture I'd expect in a fight with a chimera, just saying.

Chapter 5: I loved the fact you let Fancy Pants propose to Fleur, but the climax of the whole story was over a bit quickly to me. You could have elaborated on the feelings of the "donors" a bit more maybe, or give the radiating love some kind of physical appearance—I'm not exactly sure what was missing, but it seemed too short to me, sorry.

Regarding the downward journey in the mines, you clearly described the whole fellowship running. That does not show up in your dialogue, however. I never talk when I go for a run, but if I had to, I'd be making way shorter sentences... with breakes in between... whenever I needed... to take a breath. I'd add so much credulity to the scene.

One more thing—Yes, just the one more, I promise—using brackets in prose is very bad style. I would recommend using en ( – ) or em (—) dashes (decide on one and stick to that one), or elipses (...).

If you're unsure about any other style stuff, I'd like to point you to RBDash47s guide on Writing Fanfiction. The stuff he says in the last chapter of this document helped me lots, and it applies to any kind of fiction, really. Just pick up a book of you choice and have a look, he's right.

Concluding Remarks
While I had lot of things to say what I think you could have done better, please don't think I did not enjoy your story, because I did! The Idea is great and I loved the end, hinting to a sequel—never trust a changeling wasn't such a bad maxime after all, haha.
I don't feel competent as to make a tl;dr version of my review, but I hope you'll find the time to work your way through my remarks. Thanks again for the fantastic review of my story Antipode of Light, I hope you liked this review nearly as much as I liked yours and that it might help you a bit.

This was originally in the Indie Authors Unite forum page. I'm copying here on request from the admin, and since it follows the Authors Helping Authors guidelines.

Format taken directly from the Authors Helping Authors page.

Name of Story: Interview with the Changeling

Grammar Score: 6

Pros:

Excellent, interesting storyline

All canon characters were portrayed wonderfully, especially Fleur and her talent

All chapters offered a new experience, from adventure to romance

Cons:

Grammar and typos, although they didn't take anything away

What, there were any more cons?

I didn't see any.

Notes:

The story was amazing. The interview offered an interesting insight to the changeling race and, with each question answered, allowed me to see all that changelings were. The adventure that ensued was exciting and kept me at the edge of my seat. And the final bit was a great conclusion that summed up the story very nicely while still leaving it open to expansion. There is absolutely nothing about the story that was an issue with me.

The characters in the story all added their own flair to the piece, while still keeping those that are canon within their respective personalities. Blueblood and Fancy's relationship was perfect. The idea of Fancy being a watchdog over the cowardly Blueblood made me laugh. Drone, as a character, was interesting yet ambiguous. He offered so much about the changelings, but yet nothing about himself. I guess that's how it is with drones. I almost pleaded for more about Drone, but I can see why he wouldn't be too open about himself. It made me appreciate him so much.

There are some typos and grammar issues that show up throughout the piece. For example, in Chapter 1:

The other two ponies were members of the media (that were)brought along to record the interview. The first one, Hard Hitter(comma) worked for the Canterlot Times, and was well known as being a provider of well researched and balanced articles. The other journalist, Daily (S)coop(comma) was a freelancer, currently working for the Stable Enquirer, (and was)well know(n) for being a source of news (that was)heavily dramaticised and embellished in the pursuit of selling additional papers. If any pony could take what was likely to be a waste of time and turn it into an interesting story(comma) it was him.

Capitalization isn't consistent throughout the piece, but isn't a huge issue.

There are some words in the piece that seem to be auto-corrected. They just don't belong and I can't think of a reason why. In Chapter 2:

“Oh Shining, I through (should be thought)that you had been replaced by that drone, I was so worried about you”.

The last sentence also reminds me about quotations. You're placing the punctuation on the outside, but if it's the end of the sentence and quotation it's inside.

"...worried about you."

Also, if a description comes after a sentence that isn't a question or exclamation, you end the sentence with a comma.

"...worried about you," Drone said.

I will say this, as I read later on into the chapters the grammar gets significantly better.

I think the way to fix the grammar and typo issue is to reread each chapter, word for word because it's only occasionally sneaking itself in, before posting it or enlist the help of an editor. There are only minor issues, but most are consistent, capitalization and the occasional word error in particular.

1945927 Thanks for spending the time on this.

I am aware of many of the gramatical issues that are in this story, but haven't gone back to fix them mostly out of wanting to keep this the way it is as an objective measure of how much I have improved, or lack there of.

Can I tempt you to take a look at the sequel story - Trixie, Saviour of all Equestria at some point? Not right away but eventually.

Man, was kinda disappointed with this. I like the starting idea and cast of characters, but just felt too short and lacked any substance. Its nice to see you go into details about how changelings work, but by the end I found myself agreeing with Blueblood with “Is it over?”. Other than the manticore thing, there was really no tension, the characters didnt really do much other than walk, and the build up to the hive was anticlimactic. With this cast of such different personalities, put on a quest together to the interesting destination of a changeling lair, it came out rather lacking. Would have liked more interaction of the characters, especially Blueblood and Trixie, with each other and wanted the time in the hive to be longer than just a couple paragraphs. I know there is a sequel (which is pretty obvious given the ending here) but this feels more like a prologue than a separate story. Hope the sequel doesnt also miss out.

1980517 Thanks for giving me an honest opinion.

Much of what you said is true. I'm not suprised you felt that it was lacking in areas or was a bit bland - it was my first attempt at writing in ever.
Looking back at it now, some of the dialogue or scenes are cringe worthy.

The sequel is nearly twice as long and has the advantage of me having more experience when I began writing it - scenes should be more detailed and characters have more personality.

Hm, a promising premise. :) Just one thought, you need a comma after "under heavy guard."

2171112 This entire story needs a serious overhaul for grammar.
I wrote it without knowing what I was doing as far as the rules of writing prose are concerned, having written nothing but Essays and scientific articles for about 10-15 years.

I am aware of most of the issues in this fic, I just haven't fixed them yet

On the whole, I'm inclined to say "not sure if want." It's nice to get the other side of the story, but the changeling lifestyle seems a little too sanitized. It's nice that the transformation is still likely to go horribly wrong, and they have a soul-crushing culture, but it's hard to see creatures so benign and stealthy ever reaching such a point of desperation. It's also hard to see one pony, however loving, providing all the mojo a hive needs without the invasion plan. It also seems unlikely that the ambient emotions thing is all they need when one queen managed to drain three bridesmaids into green-eyed zombies while receiving regular feeds from Shining Armor.

I'm still interested, particularly since Drone could be giving us a half-truth or misleading picture, and there are still more factors to see. Still, I will be watching carefully to see how this plays out.

2447949 I really should finish that game. Hit a wall for character progression, didn't have enough L4 spheres to continue and don't know how to get/refine them.

2448201 I can't even get past Evrae! And my sister can't beat Yunalesca, partly because the disc keeps on freezing... But still!

1555641 What did Kerrigan say? I haven't beaten Starcraft 1, let alone Broodwar.

2448473 The final comment by Chrysalis is an almost word for word rip from Broodwar's ending cutscene. Blizzard knows how to do cutscenes.

2520857Everyone seems to like Warrior Fleur, to the point that she is going to get her own story.

I will take a look over your story in the coming days.

This is my favorite story of all time I have read it over and over again you are a brilliant writer

3246589 Thanks. This story does have a special place for me. It will always be my first and I can't bring myself to go back and change it.

Well that was an unexpected dark ending...

A very slick and fun fic, there's a few spots where it's confusing or the pace stutters but still very worthwhile, bravo

Ugh, the grammar. This looks promising, but the grammatical and punctuation mistakes make it virtually unreadable for me. There are run on sentences, missed periods and commas, and quotation mistakes, all of which saturate the entire story. I strongly recommend getting a proofreader /editor and carefully go over every single chapter.

The concept is good... but the execution is not.

5481288 I'm fully aware of the grammatical errors present in this story. I haven't gone back and changed them simply because this was my first attempt at doing a story, and it's important for seeing how much I have improved since then.

Sentimental reasons, I know.

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