Sequel story posted
Follow-up story has now been posted
find it here
Trixie - Saviour of all Equestria
Focuses on Trixie following her seperation from the group at the end of this story
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Fimbulvinter · 45k words · 49 4 · 2.1k views
- Diamond Sparkle · 3.2k words · 15 2 · 1.4k views
- Commissar Rarity · 4.5k words · 53 1 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.101 seconds
Total duration
1,047 users online
2,061,441 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
1555641 At last. Some one who caught that reference. And Trixie is best pony
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors
Name of Story: Interview with the Changeling
Short review
Grammar score out of 10: 8 There were some incidents I thought a comma or a word was missing, but nothing apart from that.
Pros:
- Very nice concept of changeling organization/psychology/physiology
- Easy to follow and not the slightest bit of tedious
- Trixie was a real treat
Cons:
- Celestia seems out of character to me
- Pacing of the fight scene was a bit slow for my taste
- Dialogue was sometimes hard to pin to the respective speaker
Longer Review / Notes
I'll be elaborating the points I've made in addition to other things that caught my attention in regard to their respective chapters.
Chapter 1: I liked how you emphasized the insect character of the changelings by giving them a caste system similar to bees or other comparable insects. However, I wondered why Chrysalis would put a drone in charge of such an important task if there was a whole nobility caste to choose from.
Chapter 2: Loved the royal canterlot voice! However, as mentioned in my Cons list, I though that Celestia seemed out of character—not because of the cake-thing, but about her thoughts regarding her subjects. It somehow seemed very un-benevolent-ruler-style to me to be complaining about suck-ups, even if it was only her thoughts. Also, to a proposedly immortal being, one evening should seem like a really low price to pay for information about a race she has yet next to no knowledge off.
Also, Cadence and Shining Armor agreed to readily to the terms set by Chrysalis... I thought they might have had a private conversation about it at the very least.
Chapter 3: I loved the humorous way you wrote from the perspective of Phalanx, that was really well done.
I here have to complain about Celestias depiction again, sorry. I thought the notion of thinking about turning the rule of Equestria to a dictatorship was a bit off... Since Celestia is a goddess and the supreme ruler without separation of powers (at least it is never mentioned), it is a theocracy and she practially IS the dictator already. In that respect, the notion about a line for the throne seems absurd to me, since only another goddess or god would be suitable, but no mortal. I do not know if these ideas of mine are canon, fanon or my private fantasies, but it bothered me.
Another notion to that chapter is, that you should write "two" instead of "2" in prose. The numbers break up the text flow in my opinion. You also changed between the two ways—if you insist on using numbers, stick to it.
I love, love loved the little sidestory about Smarty Pants lecturing advanced particle physics to Twilight, that was hilarious! I also loved the name Horstralia and Constant Vigil. Maybe I'm too much of a Potterhead but I think Madeye Moody would have approved.
I have a question though, what did you mean by the "almighty Faust?" I know only one Faust (the one from Goethes play), and he is not almighty at all.
Chapter 4: A thing I had not noticed up until then was that you don't use dialogue attribution consistently. Adding a he said, she said now and then makes it easier to follow who is talking. What particularily confuses people is when you put the reaction of someone into the same paragraph as the dialogue he reacts to. EG:
The first paragraph is something Drone says, the second is what Fancy Pants answers plus Drones reaction. Instead, you could write:
Although on second thought, agreeing is an interpreted action and not a primary one, which does not paint a clear picture. How did he agree? Did he nod, did he say something that is not mentioned in the text, did he write a letter saying "Yes, you're right about that."? I would avoid these and instead be more precise.
Also regarding dialogue, you might want to add in some more descriptive passages to avoid the "floating heads" syndrome, if that is a term to you. If not: Even the best written dialogue of all time does not convey body language or other subtle things ponies might be doing while they are talking, yet these are crucial to make communication credible and, again, paint a more vivid picture of the scene.
In the fight scene, I would try to shorten some sentences. This one, for instance:
This is a big ass long sentence, and it disrupts the action in my opinion. Instead, you could put it like this:
I also replaced your night of heavy drinking here, since it, at least for me, paints a picture of a pub, out with friends, laughter, women... While not unwelcome, it is not a picture I'd expect in a fight with a chimera, just saying.
Chapter 5: I loved the fact you let Fancy Pants propose to Fleur, but the climax of the whole story was over a bit quickly to me. You could have elaborated on the feelings of the "donors" a bit more maybe, or give the radiating love some kind of physical appearance—I'm not exactly sure what was missing, but it seemed too short to me, sorry.
Regarding the downward journey in the mines, you clearly described the whole fellowship running. That does not show up in your dialogue, however. I never talk when I go for a run, but if I had to, I'd be making way shorter sentences... with breakes in between... whenever I needed... to take a breath. I'd add so much credulity to the scene.
One more thing—Yes, just the one more, I promise—using brackets in prose is very bad style. I would recommend using en ( – ) or em (—) dashes (decide on one and stick to that one), or elipses (...).
If you're unsure about any other style stuff, I'd like to point you to RBDash47s guide on Writing Fanfiction. The stuff he says in the last chapter of this document helped me lots, and it applies to any kind of fiction, really. Just pick up a book of you choice and have a look, he's right.
Concluding Remarks
While I had lot of things to say what I think you could have done better, please don't think I did not enjoy your story, because I did! The Idea is great and I loved the end, hinting to a sequel—never trust a changeling wasn't such a bad maxime after all, haha.
I don't feel competent as to make a tl;dr version of my review, but I hope you'll find the time to work your way through my remarks. Thanks again for the fantastic review of my story Antipode of Light, I hope you liked this review nearly as much as I liked yours and that it might help you a bit.
This was originally in the Indie Authors Unite forum page. I'm copying here on request from the admin, and since it follows the Authors Helping Authors guidelines.
Format taken directly from the Authors Helping Authors page.
Name of Story: Interview with the Changeling
Grammar Score: 6
Pros:
Excellent, interesting storyline
All canon characters were portrayed wonderfully, especially Fleur and her talent
All chapters offered a new experience, from adventure to romance
Cons:
Grammar and typos, although they didn't take anything away
What, there were any more cons?
I didn't see any.
Notes:
The story was amazing. The interview offered an interesting insight to the changeling race and, with each question answered, allowed me to see all that changelings were. The adventure that ensued was exciting and kept me at the edge of my seat. And the final bit was a great conclusion that summed up the story very nicely while still leaving it open to expansion. There is absolutely nothing about the story that was an issue with me.
The characters in the story all added their own flair to the piece, while still keeping those that are canon within their respective personalities. Blueblood and Fancy's relationship was perfect. The idea of Fancy being a watchdog over the cowardly Blueblood made me laugh. Drone, as a character, was interesting yet ambiguous. He offered so much about the changelings, but yet nothing about himself. I guess that's how it is with drones. I almost pleaded for more about Drone, but I can see why he wouldn't be too open about himself. It made me appreciate him so much.
There are some typos and grammar issues that show up throughout the piece. For example, in Chapter 1:
The other two ponies were members of the media (that were)brought along to record the interview. The first one, Hard Hitter(comma) worked for the Canterlot Times, and was well known as being a provider of well researched and balanced articles. The other journalist, Daily (S)coop(comma) was a freelancer, currently working for the Stable Enquirer, (and was)well know(n) for being a source of news (that was)heavily dramaticised and embellished in the pursuit of selling additional papers. If any pony could take what was likely to be a waste of time and turn it into an interesting story(comma) it was him.
Capitalization isn't consistent throughout the piece, but isn't a huge issue.
There are some words in the piece that seem to be auto-corrected. They just don't belong and I can't think of a reason why. In Chapter 2:
“Oh Shining, I through (should be thought)that you had been replaced by that drone, I was so worried about you”.
The last sentence also reminds me about quotations. You're placing the punctuation on the outside, but if it's the end of the sentence and quotation it's inside.
"...worried about you."
Also, if a description comes after a sentence that isn't a question or exclamation, you end the sentence with a comma.
"...worried about you," Drone said.
I will say this, as I read later on into the chapters the grammar gets significantly better.
I think the way to fix the grammar and typo issue is to reread each chapter, word for word because it's only occasionally sneaking itself in, before posting it or enlist the help of an editor. There are only minor issues, but most are consistent, capitalization and the occasional word error in particular.
1945927 Thanks for spending the time on this.
I am aware of many of the gramatical issues that are in this story, but haven't gone back to fix them mostly out of wanting to keep this the way it is as an objective measure of how much I have improved, or lack there of.
Can I tempt you to take a look at the sequel story - Trixie, Saviour of all Equestria at some point? Not right away but eventually.
Man, was kinda disappointed with this. I like the starting idea and cast of characters, but just felt too short and lacked any substance. Its nice to see you go into details about how changelings work, but by the end I found myself agreeing with Blueblood with “Is it over?”. Other than the manticore thing, there was really no tension, the characters didnt really do much other than walk, and the build up to the hive was anticlimactic. With this cast of such different personalities, put on a quest together to the interesting destination of a changeling lair, it came out rather lacking. Would have liked more interaction of the characters, especially Blueblood and Trixie, with each other and wanted the time in the hive to be longer than just a couple paragraphs. I know there is a sequel (which is pretty obvious given the ending here) but this feels more like a prologue than a separate story. Hope the sequel doesnt also miss out.
1980517 Thanks for giving me an honest opinion.
Much of what you said is true. I'm not suprised you felt that it was lacking in areas or was a bit bland - it was my first attempt at writing in ever.
Looking back at it now, some of the dialogue or scenes are cringe worthy.
The sequel is nearly twice as long and has the advantage of me having more experience when I began writing it - scenes should be more detailed and characters have more personality.
2171112 This entire story needs a serious overhaul for grammar.
I wrote it without knowing what I was doing as far as the rules of writing prose are concerned, having written nothing but Essays and scientific articles for about 10-15 years.
I am aware of most of the issues in this fic, I just haven't fixed them yet
2447949 I really should finish that game. Hit a wall for character progression, didn't have enough L4 spheres to continue and don't know how to get/refine them.
2448201 I can't even get past Evrae! And my sister can't beat Yunalesca, partly because the disc keeps on freezing... But still!
2448473 The final comment by Chrysalis is an almost word for word rip from Broodwar's ending cutscene. Blizzard knows how to do cutscenes.
2520857Everyone seems to like Warrior Fleur, to the point that she is going to get her own story.
I will take a look over your story in the coming days.
3246589 Thanks. This story does have a special place for me. It will always be my first and I can't bring myself to go back and change it.
A very slick and fun fic, there's a few spots where it's confusing or the pace stutters but still very worthwhile, bravo
5481288 I'm fully aware of the grammatical errors present in this story. I haven't gone back and changed them simply because this was my first attempt at doing a story, and it's important for seeing how much I have improved since then.
Sentimental reasons, I know.
Was going to read this but hit the “turn ponies into changelings” bit. Sorry, but even from a “these things survive on emotions” perspective, that makes no sense. The resources available drop while the resources consumed increase every time you do such a conversion.
I’ll pass