• Member Since 25th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

wYvern


Make every word count.

E

After a day's worth of crusading, Apple Bloom finds herself lost and alone in the darkening Everfree forest. Whilst pondering how to escape from this predicament, she encounters a foreign structure—and finds more than she bargained for.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 13 )

This Review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Antipode of Light

Grammar: 8/10

Pros: Gave me a nice creepy feeling
Overall pacing was good
Has the potential to become something more.

Cons: other than a few Grammar mistakes here and their, not much else I can think of.

Notes: I liked this, I really liked this. The way you described the Darkness reminds me of Alan Wake (Great horror game, look it up). There were a few spelling mistakes, but not enough for me to not enjoy it. If you wanted to you could turn this into a larger story.

Hope you liked your Review Don't forget to review my story Guardian of the Heathfire.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors
Name of Story: Antipode of Light

Short review
Grammar score out of 10 - 9. Very nice work.
Pros
1. Story has very distinct beginning, middle, and end structures.
2. Climax of the story was well detailed and layed out.
3. Character dynamics between AJ and Applebloom are touching.

Cons
1. Transition out of the dream feels abrupt.
2. The darkness could have used some more character.
3. AJ and Applebloom lack their southern accents in dialogue.



In Depth Analysis
Story
The story for this fic was quite a nicely based one shot. Applebloom confronting a creature composed of such a primal fear makes for good reading. I thought that most of the scenes that you included were very well detailed - each consisted of enough ambient descriptions to set the tone while not waffling the reader or attempting to pad out a word count. The scene in which Applebloom goes into AJ's bedroom to sleep in her big sis's bed was touching and a nice choice.

I liked that you were able to make this story into three distinct sections, following on from the Aristotle three act play - start, middle and end/climax. Introduction in which Applebloom encounters the goo, middle in which she thinks she has escaped it, and climax in which she must confront it again. This helps keep the story structured well and pacing level through out.

One thing I felt was lacking was any real reason to fear the darkness in the later scene, much of it was implied. It's big, it's black, but apart from being a puddle it didn't do much other than menace. It could do with some descriptions of it being more destructive - have it cover and then consume a chair or seat when it comes into the house, the object quickly dissolving into more darkness, something that clearly states to the reader that something bad will happen to you if you let the darkness touch you.

Characters
I thought that you handled most of the characters in this story quite well. Zecora was her general wise, if cryptic self, Good job with the rhyming section at the start.

I liked how you made reference to both Sweetie Belle's lack of coordination at cooking, but also montioned that she in normally fairly good at things like chemistry, as was shown in Hearts and Hooves day.

As was mentioned at the start - I liked the sister dynamic between AJ and Applebloom during the middle of the story - clear reference to Aj having to take over the duties of a mother to Applebloom in the absence of their parents. the scene in which she brings food over to Applebloom was very touching in this respect.

The weakness between them however is that neither of them seems to have their accent written into their dialogue. While it can be assumed to be present, it helps the reader if you actually include alternative spellings for certain words so as to highlight the accent.
E.G.

“One more thing,” said Applejack when she had finished. “I wont be punishing you—I think you learned your lesson—but promise me you'll be paying more attention to your surroundings when visiting Zecoras next time. And no more nighttime strolling in the forest.”

could be altered slightly to

“One more thing,” said Applejack when she had finished. “Ah wont be punishing you—Ah think ya learned your lesson—but promise me ya'll be paying more attention to your surroundings when visiting Zecoras next time. And no more nighttime strolling in the forest.”

Grammar
I have to say that 99% of the grammar in this story seems perfect. I did not notice any major or repeated instances of badly used punctuation - commas, quote marks and full stops all appeared when they had a reason to.

You had a good usage of paragraph structure - each new idea or topic would appear in a well spaced out paragraph with indented leading sentence. Makes it very easy to read your story. Short paragraphs make it much easier to digest each topic and track ones place in the story. Good job there.

My only gripe (and this is a small one) was the transition from the dream sequence to Applebloom waking up. that felt indistinct and could easily be missed if the reader isn't focusing on it.

I would have included a page break within that section, to clearly indicate a change of scene to the reader.
E.G.

“What are you? What do you want?” whimpered Apple Bloom, gazing up at the massive, black wall in front of her. A shiver ran through the dark mass, and a strange rushing sound started to emanate from it. She listened, transfixed. The sound went on and on, until Apple Bloom finally realized what it was. It struck her like a blow and she winced in horror. What she heard were thousands of cold voices, laughing.

Suddenly, the sound stopped, and the wall of darkness came crashing down on Apple Bloom. She squealed, “Ahhhhhh!!” and jerked upright, “Huh!”

She had sent a pillow flying by her sudden movement. Soaring in a great arch across her sisters bedroom it hit the mirror which reflected both the invading sunlight and the blue skies visible through the window to her side.

Could be done as

“What are you? What do you want?” whimpered Apple Bloom, gazing up at the massive, black wall in front of her. A shiver ran through the dark mass, and a strange rushing sound started to emanate from it. She listened, transfixed. The sound went on and on, until Apple Bloom finally realized what it was. It struck her like a blow and she winced in horror. What she heard were thousands of cold voices, laughing.

Suddenly, the sound stopped, and the wall of darkness came crashing down on Apple Bloom...


Applebloom squealed and jerked upright, her legs flailing.

She had sent a pillow flying by her sudden movement. Soaring in a great arch across her sisters bedroom it hit the mirror which reflected both the invading sunlight and the blue skies visible through the window to her side.

TL;DR Summary
Well planned out and written fic, easy to read and solid themes. The darkness could have used a bit more menace to hammer home that it is something to be feared.


Well that's all I got. Hope you find something useful from it. If you did them please at least have a read of my story - Interview with the Changeling

1933019 Thank you for your review and kind words. I'm glad you liked it! I have heard of Alan Wake before, though did not check it out back then.Seems I've been missing out! :pinkiegasp:

I'll be looking through the story again to find the spelling/grammar mistakes you mentioned, but I don't think I'll be turning this into a larger story—at least not in the near future. I'll be reviewing you story ASAP.

1933131 Thank you for your very detailed and well written analysis. And thank you so much for complimenting my grammar. It is a very sensitive topic for me as I am usually the one to criticize. :twilightsheepish:

To your con list:

1. I liked the idea of her in-dream scream transitioning into the waking "Huh!" and focused on that. Now that you mentioned it, I can see that this can be missed. I'll change it.

2. You are indeed right about the goo being a bit of a joke. The Stephen King story that was one of the things that inspired me for this story was very graphic. I did not like that and wanted to avoid it, but the memory of it made the thing scary enough for me—a thing someone not connecting the two stories could not have done, of course. I'll have to ponder as to how to re-integrate that into my own story, thank you for bringing it up!

3. I have trouble rendering things phonetically in English and actively decided against integrating the southern accent into my writing out of fear of doing it wrong or overdoing it. I justified it before myself by arguing that the story was written mainly from Apple Blooms point of view, who of course would not notice the accent that much. A lame excuse, I know. I'll have to research how others convey the accent in an acceptable fashion and work it over.

I will be reviewing your story of course, but please be patient, I'm not fast and your story will take some time to do a proper job considering its length.

You have to write more, or else the Darkness will consume innocent fillies in their sleep :ajbemused:

1936616 That is the only thing it has learned, and I don't want to be held responsible for its unemployment. I'll be writing other stories, though. Thanks for reading and commenting! :pinkiehappy:

This review was brought to you by CluelessFilly at Indie Authors Unite- We Will Help Everyone!!!

Quick Review:
Grammar: 7/10
Concept 8/10
Storytelling 9/10
Overall 8/10

Grammar
Grammar mishaps don't pass me, I'll be the first to admit. You did a very good job on incorporating the sourthern accent, as I saw that you didn't have the confidence to try above. Aside from a couple of minor hiccups along the way, and some comma usage vs. period uses, there was only one persistent error.

You didn't use apostrophes.

Now, mind you, no apostrophes is better than too many. They can be easily imagined. But the main thing here is having a persistent flaw. The main uses for an apostrophe (') are 1. Posessives (Apple Bloom's) and B. Contraptions (Won't). But, for a non-native English speaker, you did very well.

Concept
This isn't a very original concept. I've seen plenty along the same line. But you did a very good job with it. The goo was terrifying enough, and,most of the time, this kind of thing is done with Slendersomething. Plus, instead of using Twilight, you went with Apple Bloom. Not a completely random choice, having a place in the plot, despite not being a mane six, which seems oh so hard for writers to do. l8 -

Storytelling
You did a very good job in telling us a good story. You kept the plot simple but enchanting, and went with simple but not repetitive words. My only concern is that the formatting with parapraphs isn't constantly persistent.

Overall
You did an outstanding job with your story! Not only is this your first venture into fiction, but it's in a foreign language. :scootangel: If you ever need any help, you can either go to any group for editors (I'm in about 100 groups here, so chances are that I'll be around) or ask me. I'm also available if you want an editor to crush any errors to sediment. Sediment that will later be eroded away and deposited at the mouth of a river. :twistnerd:

1947226 Thank you for your review and kind words! I'd however need some clarrification to some of the points you mentioned:

1. The apostrophes. I am aware that you should use them in contractions, like won't etc... it must have slipped past my mind this time. I'll incorporate them. However, I thought to make a possessive distinguishable from a contraction (e.g. its = possessive, it's = it is), using them with possessives was actually wrong. I'm confused now.

2. What do you mean by the formatting of paragraphs? Things like indentation or the structuring of content by means of paragraphing?

1947810
You double-entered and indented. In some places, you just indented.

By posessives, I mean characters. Applejack's, Apple Bloom's, Twilight Sparkle's, etc. :pinkiesmile: Sorry for not making it too clear.

1947947 So there's a difference between possessives of he/she/it and names? Good to know, I've never noticed that before... although now that you mentioned it, the "Apple Blooms" does indeed look wrong. I'll fix it, thank you.

Pretty much all I've said about your other story can be applied here, so I'll keep things short and informal this time around.
- improve your grammar/punctuation: Use apostrophes. Learn the rules of English thoroughly. It'll help you out so much, I promise you.
- sometimes, common, everyday words work better than ones that sound sophisticated. If you read it out loud and the writing doesn't sound right, then it doesn't flow smoothly enough.
- You're good at mood portrayal and storytelling. That's important in any work of fiction.
- Learn to distinguish between parts that require detail and parts that don't. It all depends on what mood you're going for.

I've quite enjoyed reading both of your stories tonight, and I wish you luck in future pieces.

Off to get some much needed sleep,
Black Lightning.

Hiya, Wyvern. It's me again, reviewing your story on behalf of the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.

Unfortunately, your story does not yet meet our standards for addition into the directory. Fortunately, that can be easily rectified, which means that I get to add your story into the directory and your readers get a more polished product. So let's take a look at some of the issues here, shall we?

the look of worry on the Zebra's face

While this includes a masterful (and, sadly, uncharacteristic) use of the possessive apostrophe, "Zebra" probably shouldn't be capitalized.

against the huts brightly lit interior

That should be "hut's".

Though it was awfully dark by now amidst the tall, closely spaced trees; she had to admit.

"She had to admit" is not, in this case, a complete sentence, and therefore shouldn't be connected to the rest of this sentence by a semicolon. You could probably replace it with a comma, but I think it'd work even better if you rewrote it like this:
"She had to admit, though, that it was awfully dark by now amidst the tall, closely spaced trees."

Scootaloos

Again, apostrophes matter.

wont

The word is "won't".

Sweetie Belle had tried her best, but, being unusually clumsy

You don't really need the comma after "but". It doesn't ruin the sentence or anything, but it's superfluous.

Scootaloo however had succumbed pretty soon.

A comma after "Scootaloo" would help this sentence read more naturally.

peculiar smelling

This should follow the same rules you applied when you wrote "slack-lining" or "free-diving".

that days events

*day's

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