• Member Since 15th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen February 20th

Lux


I am a writer, artist, role player, and fan of MLP!

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Source

What if a cutie mark was not just related to a pony finding their talent but also a sign of a pony becomming an adult?

This was the question that Apple Bloom thought about after another failed attempt to get her mark.

But is her attempt to get her mark through magic going to work, and more importantly, what will the consequences of her actions be?

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 124 )

Not bad....
Not bad at all.
:twilightsmile:

"is her attempt to get her mark through magic going to work"
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/311/668/d76.jpg

Have we already forgotten that its impossible to get ones Cutie Mark through magic?

:facehoof: Twilight is dissapoint, Apple Bloom. :applecry:

Great story, will be checking regularly for updates!

Lux

Well, Apple Bloom is stubborn and will try to get her cutie mark through any means necessary, so you'll have to see! :twilightsmile:

I really love the concept, but I'd love even more to see a slightly more refined writing style.
For starters, really try to describe the scenario they're in to as much detail as you can imagine. Were they on a field trip? Did they venture into the Everfree Forest? Whose idea was it to go trailblazing? What time of day is it? Is the weather bright and sunny, or dark and dreary? What kind of escapades did they go through to get here?

Here's an example to see how I would write this:

The orange pegasus groaned as she flicked yet another hapless twig from her magenta mane. "Did you get yours yet, Applebloom?"

Applebloom creaked her head around, a small glimmer of hope sparking within the depths of her eyes, only to droop her head back down in despair. Though this little adventure of theirs had hardly been enjoyable, there was always the tiny sparkle of expectation every time they went crusading.

"Oh, hey! I think I have mine!"

The pegasus and earth pony equally shot up with beaming glee, scooting around each other to get a look at the unicorn's flank.

"Oh...nevermind, it's just a leaf," Sweetie Belle replied. All three visibly sagged as the white pony peeled the wet maple leaf from her body.
--------

Lux

Thanks for that tip. I'll definitely work that into the next chapters.

Wow! This is great! Can't wait for the next chapter!:derpytongue2:

I need moar lol...

Only problem I have is that it's a little short, apart from that I like where this is going :twilightsmile:

A Great storie Please hurry and write more chapters. :pinkiehappy:

Lux

Yeah, I know the last two chapters were short, but they were a good point to break the chapters up. The next chapters won't be that short I promise.

Sweet Celestia,

I wonder what her family is going to think? I wonder if her friends will find out? I like...

I can't wait for the next chapter :twilightsmile:

Another great chapter please hurry and write more :eeyup:

Lux

Next chapter will most likely be posted tomorrow.

i think this should be a episode in season 3

Lux

That would be cool if it was.

Good chapter, and the length was good too, keep it up :twilightsmile:

As for me i cant wait for the next chapter :pinkiesmile:

Man, now I feel bad for her.:pinkiesad2: At least the picture cheers me up.:ajsmug:

Iv'e been waiting for someone to do this.
To my read later folder you go. :twilightsmile:

Your such a great writer! I couldn't stop reading it till the very end!
~ Sister 2 :yay:

You can put more than one scene in a chapter. Your first four chapters would have been fine as a single chapter.

I think a cute way to finish this off would actually involve her growing up for real nöal and/or getting a cutie mark. Looking forward to it.

862574 It actually turns out that the aging potion would have worked, but Applebloom already has her cutie mark: a blank flank. :applecry:

Ok, this is truly cute and lovely story you have here, but you have a romance tag up there.:rainbowhuh: Is it going to be used. Other than that I like the story and can't wait for more.:pinkiehappy:

Wow, grown-up Applebloom looks… well… goddamnit can I call a pony beautiful in a right mind? Goddamn emotions! No wonder I had forsaken you!

863010 I thought the same way also.

Brilliant chapter, Brilliant length, just watch the spelling in some places.

Oh and I've always thought Applebloom would be a pretty mare when she's all grown up and you hit the mark there :twilightsmile:

862670

That would've been hilarious.

A non-consenting triple whammy. Now I feel like I belong on a list in some agency with an acronym for a name.

862670 That would be the saddest way to end this story.
I love it! :rainbowkiss:

Lux

Thanks for the comments!

As for the romance tag, I had an idea in mind. Still debating it though. The story is going along great now, so I'm apprehensive of trying to alter the course to a romance idea.

Aww. See, I was half-expecting her to get her cutie mark for selling those apples, which then would cause even MORE problems. :trollestia:

Eh, but we'll see what happens next chapter. :ajsmug:

Lux

Actually Apple Bloom tried that on the show selling apples (rather forcefully if I remember) and received no mark for her efforts.

This story is winding down,but I have a few more things I can do.

885229 And she failed spectacularly at it! Maybe this little potion has given her some more maturity.

885229 She also failed to move a single product back then.

Lux

You're both right!
The potion however gave physical maturity, not mental though. She still thinks and acts like her filly self, hence why she doesn't like stallions yet.

You all know that she going to one day get her cutie mark for building thing, right. :ajsmug:

I hope we all can't forget "The Show Stoppers" episode. :twilightsmile: I know I can't. :facehoof:

Lux

Maybe. Or for art. I've seen make times pictures of Apple Bloom with something art related as a cutie mark.

I thought I saw Applebloom wanting to stay a mare last chapter. And I was right Yay :twilightblush:

Great Chapter. :pinkiesmile:

A great chapter cant wait for the next one> :twilightsmile:

885967
Alchemy / potion making. She's been shown to have some aptitude / impressive results there more often than she's been shown to be good at building. That was a heck of a love potion / poison she helped to make, she's helped Zecora cook etc before, and she managed to give herself cutie pox just by eating a flower.

Are those good results? Well no, but Twilight did get a cutie mark for magic after hatching Spike, turning him into a giant malformed dragon-thing that broke through a roof, and turning both her parents into potted plants. :facehoof:

Lux

I see there's my first dislike, with no comment attached. But oh well.

Maybe Apple Bloom will one day get a mark in alchemy. The moral of this story is not actually getting the mark, but how far one would go to do so, and what consequences they would face.

There's an interesting turn of conflict: now it's whether or not to revert the transformation at all.

This story... is interesting. In concept. I've found your execution to be rather lacking however. I found it today after the latest update and read all of it in the space of 20 minutes, so I'm gonna outline the things that I've found annoying and detrimental to the work.

1. The constant mention of how pretty Applebloom is as a mare. Whether it's by her own words or somepony else, it is constantly being mentioned. Furthermore, you have it being stated by mares as though they themselves aren't pretty and that Applebloom is some kind of supermodel, this was especially evident in chapter 11.

2. The writing style is far to simplistic. You constantly have sentences that feel like 'and then this happened. Then this happened. Then X said this. Then Y replied. Then this happened.' It's something I'm sure will disappear as you write more and get better, but I think you should probably run this stuff by an editor. If there isn't anyone you're in contact with now that you could ask to do this, find one of the writers here on fimfiction or on deviantArt whose work you enjoy and ask them if they could please give it a once over (use google docs set to edit by anyone and give them the link). Something I've found with this fandom that is rather unique is that everyone is more than happy to help out other people, as everyone wants as much quality content to be created as possible. Most also see it as quite the compliment to be asked to be someones editor.

3. Your chapters are to short. You could quite easily mesh your 12 chapters down to at least 8 probably 5 at most. All you need to do is put a line in between where the chapters end to signify a short jump forward in time. This one is a personal gripe though, so don't feel you have to take it to seriously.

All in all, the story could have used a lot more work, as it feels slipshod and unpolished. I honestly like the idea behind it, but I can't encourage the way you went about it. I will, however, keep an eye on you for your future works, if there are any.

903603 Regarding your second point, I'm in agreement, but I have something more to add. The simplistic, turbo-direct and literal approach is actually what hooked me. The writing and the ideas communicated are so lucid, but the style is like that of a very young writer. It's uncanny, and I've been watching trying to figure out this mystery. The reason I haven't brought it up before is because I was waiting for somebody else to, and I felt if it were me, I'd be cheating, or breaking some sort of secret contract. At first, I thought it was actually deliberate, and maybe it is, but that seems like a long shot.

What say you, Lux?

Lux

903603 Thanks for the replies.

1. I'm merely stating the idea that she is pretty as a mare. The way she looks is a driving force behind whether she wants to stay a mare or not. Body image is self image after all and since Apple Blom sees herself as pretty, sees that her family thinks she's pretty, and sees that ponies in town are noticing her, it adds up to feeling like she's happy being one.

2. Perhaps an editor would be good. I admit I should look it over one more time before posting it.

3. Well I know most chapters in fanfiction are short, a few pages in length. Now if this were an actual novel, you can be I'd have them longer. I set up chapters accroding to where I feel would be a good break. Many writers do this. Instead of fitting to a formula that chapters have to be long, they break them up to when it's a good point like a change in scenery or a plot twist.

But thanks again.

“Thanks, Granny Smith,” Apple Bloom said as she bid her siblings goodbye and trotted through the orchard to the clubhouse.
Not complaining but, wouldn't it just be "Thanks, Granny" ?
It's not that big of a deal. I was just surprised by Apple Bloom calling her by her full name.

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