• Member Since 15th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 20th, 2019

Lux


I am a writer, artist, role player, and fan of MLP!

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Source

Sweetie Belle feels depressed. Not only does she have yet to get her cutie mark, but she can hardly do any magic! Yet her sister Rarity has a plan to help her with a little help of a certain newly minted Princess. Can Twilight Sparkle teach her magic or will it end in disaster?

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 132 )

Hmmmmmmmm this story interest me but can u separate ppl lines so I can read better? Rather then that I like the plot.

Lux

3160853

Of course! Have to have a little bullying involved. I was going to add Silver Spoon but ran out of character spaces.

Why is Sweetie Belle so cute? :yay:
By the way, you think you can mix in a PipBelle (Sweetie Belle-Pipsqueak romance) for this story? It would extra sweet! :scootangel:

3161024
Little, sure.
Her being purely awful, no.
I'm a Diamond Cutter, so I like DT.

Pretty good start but a little lacking. :raritywink:

Lux

3161507

Well, I have a Sweetie Belle schoolyard crush story coming up some time in the future, so perhaps Pip will be in there.

Wow! Over 30 likes already? Thanks! Of course that was just the prologue chapter, a little taste of what's to come. There will be school, bullies, Crusader antics, and a certain new Princess appearing in the other chapters. I'm trying to make this one close to something you would find in the actual show, so let's see how it goes!

3164158
I think I get where you've going here. :raritywink:

Sweetie Belle learning magic, eh? I'm curious as to where it will go from here and how you will explore magic in this story. I've added it to favourites to keep an eye on it :unsuresweetie: There's not really enough in the first chapter for me to offer much in the way of critique, but it wasn't poorly written. The only real issue I had was the character transition between Sweetie and Rarity. I suggest using a line break for that instance. And cut out any mention of Sweetie Belle in that first paragraph of the transition.

Thanks for writing.

This looks quite interesting, but I can't see much going on here. :duck: Of course, the prolouge was definitely not poorly written and was actually quite entertaining. :raritywink: I'd love to see the first actual chapter! :raritystarry:

A promising concept...I like it. Continue! :pinkiehappy:

But why were you trying to do magic in the morning?”

The same reason why couples try to make a baby in the morning.
gifninja.com/animatedgifs/83412/if-you-know-what-i-mean.gif

Anyway, I think you're might be making your character talk out loud a little too much. Then again, that's just my point of view.

Lux

3166629

Thanks for the feedback all.

Yes, this is a Prologue (consider it the first few minutes of the show before it cuts into the opener). This is actually about the size of a regular chapter which vary from 1,000 to 2,000 words. But we'll be delving a little deeper into magic, bullies, and other things as the story progresses.

I will make the transitions a little clearer as I proceed to the next chapters.

3164742
You really do look at every Sweeie Belle fic don't you?

3173947 Most of 'em, yeah. And I always leave some sort of comment to let the author know that I've read it and what I think of it. They deserve that much for spending the time writing the piece. Plus if the story turns out to be really good, then I can recommend it to others with a blog post :twilightsmile:

And this one is a Sweetie learning magic fic, one of my favourite fic subjects. I'm curious as to how it will be handled, as the premise was similar enough to the start of my own story, although it is Slice of Life instead of Adventure, so I know that it'll turn out a lot different.

It seems like it's become headcannon that unicorns can get headaches from magic build up. :eeyup:

Hmm, good start here. :pinkiesmile: Nice dialogue, organized storyline. :twilightsmile:

I like It. Simple enough.

The gold star is waiting, you have the skill to earn it. Make it a reality.

I like the concept and i think it is well written. I really look forward to seeing how this story evolves. :twilightsmile:

Lux

3185128

Yeah, I've seen this in other fics too. My idea is that (which I'll elaborate in this fic) that a unicorn's horn is essentially wired directly into the brain. Thus headaches can indicate too much energy.

3185671 That would mean snaping off a unicorn's horn could kill them and damaging their horn could count as brain damage. Of course I'm sure Alicorns don't work the same way, after all Celestia managed to survive when her horn was badly burned.

3187628
Sure, but the brain damage could be losing the ability to use magic, it's not like brain damage is a constant thing, it's different from one pony to the next. That doesn't take into account the fact that the only information that part of the brain would have is what is exclusive to unicorns, that being an understanding of how magic works.

Hmm, this chapter came off as a little to much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. I know telling is quite important during the opening chapters of a story, but the chapter started feeling kind of static because there wasn't any showing going around. Consider giving the characters some actions beyond just talking. Like what if Rarity were working on a dress while she's thinking about Sweetie Belle, then it turns out that she can't concentrate on the dress (that would show us the depth of her worry)

I think the best moment is Twilight saying how she accidentally turned Spike into a dog, but other than that, the rest of the chapter felt quite static to me.

Thanks for writing.

Lux

3189149

Thanks for the feedback. I'm always trying to improve my writing.

Think you might want to fix that part to:

She still doesn’t have her cutie mark yet, despite how many times she and her Crusader friends try.

Poor Rarity tends to suffer at being helpless... :raritycry:
Twilight teaching Sweetie Belle magic? That's an AWESOME idea! :pinkiehappy:

Using much too many Rarity emoticons?
Sure. :raritywink:

Lux

Sorry for the delay all. Having a slight writer's block mixed with a busy week. I should hopefully get the next chapter tomorrow. :derpytongue2:

Dick move Diamond Tiara, how low can you go? :ajbemused:

This story's just getting better and better.

...Please? :-)

Hmm. I'm still on the fence with this fic. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading the updates, but I feel like the execution could be a lot smoother. The biggest issue I had was Twi's speech not being separated into paragraphs. And following that, I felt the little bit about examining Sweetie felt a little too long-winded. Maybe if you laced the dialogue with Twilight examining the filly and her reactions, it would have a greater effect.

Also, Scoots' first two dialogue bits need question marks.

Thanks for writing. I'm curious as to where this will go.

well according to cannon, DT is a little OC mainly because she NEVER does that bull around grownups that give a ..., anyway nice story so far and looking forward as to how and where you take this

It was nice of Princess Twilight to come visit the school. :twilightsmile:
My thoughts on Diamond Tiara picking on Sweetie Belle:

Poor Sweetie Belle! She's just a cute puppy! I hope Twilight can teach her magic soon! :applecry:

:unsuresweetie::twilightsmile: Can't wait for next part - keep 'em coming! :twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

And then part 3 is where she shows them all MUA HA HA HA HA?:unsuresweetie:

Aw... Sweetie Belle's gonna learn magic from Twilight! That's so cute! :twilightsmile:

3224355 and then promptly blows the doors to Hell right off their hinges, while trying to pick up a piece of paper:rainbowlaugh: all love the Sweetie:pinkiehappy:

nice chapter looking forward to more

3224240 I'd love to see her stick to Diamond Tiara. :rainbowdetermined2:

I'll show you what REAL magic is! :unsuresweetie:

See, I love the theme of the story. Sweetie learning magic and her getting a cutie mark are probably my two favourite specific topics to write about in this fandom, which is why I'm looking forward with what is to come.

There are some critiques I will offer however:
-The dialogue sequence between the crusaders could use a bit of work. Consider getting rid of a few of the attributions and have the characters express themselves with actions instead. Not every line of dialogue needs an 'X said/asked/replied.' after it. You can use an action such as instead of:

“Actually I think I’m going to home,” Sweetie Belle said to her friends.

You could say write it out like:
'Sweetie Belle turned away from her two friends. "Actually, I think I'm going to go home."'

Having actions take the place of the attributions can help out a lot. I was beginning to get annoyed by the line after line of 'X said' variations. While it's important to know who is talking, it's also important not to repeat too much.

-Another point, in the dialogue, is the punctuation. When they are asking questions, put the question marks down.

Example:

“Are you ok,” Apple Bloom asked.

With this one you need a question mark in place of the comma. And I think I spotted this problem more than once. The question mark in this case is treated grammatically as a comma in the whole of the sentence, but it replaces the comma.

-Another thing that slightly irked me:

“Sweetie Belle you were all excited earlier on about Crusading afterwards,” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah, why the change,” Apple Bloom said.

Apple Bloom talks twice in a row in two separate paragraphs. Now, I imagine that Scootaloo was saying one of these lines instead of Apple Bloom.

And I think I'll stop pointing out more errors there. As I said: I like the story and its potential, but the errors are a bit distracting. (If I didn't like the story I wouldn't offer this much critique)

Thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle.

Twilight to do list: one going vist the school. Check. Two tell Sweetie Bell I will teacher some magic. Check. Three give Diamond Tiara to the diamond dogs after using the magical pool Pinkie found on her. Working on that right now.

Lux

3226024

See, I guess I was raised in the older school of writing where a person only put a comma in a dialogue area rather than a question mark like you described. It is hard for me as well to do more than three ponies in a conversation, but I'm trying to fix that as well.

3227912 Even in older works, like Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist, they used question marks. Though they often didn't include many colourful attributions, and just stuck with saying stuff like 'he said.' even after a question mark.

I understand how tough it can be to not have dialogue fully under control though. Highschool never taught me the nuances of dialogue (I wish they had). I honestly had huge problems with my dialogue when I started writing and felt too intimidated to write conversations with more than 2 characters. It just takes a bunch of practice and understanding the characters you are working with, then the scene will practically write itself. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask me and I'll do my best to give a satisfactory answer. The worst that can happen is I say, "I don't know." There's also EZN's guide in the FAQ section of this site, it's quite comprehensive. And never be afraid to type a question into google.

Just make sure that you fix the mistakes that are pointed out, that's the best way to learn not to make the same mistake again.

oh for crying out loud:fluttercry: you get on a roll and then you just stop??? what are you trying to do to us?:fluttercry::fluttercry:
we need more,please?:fluttershysad:

Hmm, interesting... still wondering how this will play out.

Lux

You'll be getting more.

This chapter was to set things up between Twilight and Sweetie Belle, a lighthearted conversation. I'm trying to improve the dialogue aspect between characters as these are just as important as the actions.

Next chapter we'll get into the magic of things.

This story is soooooo good! I can't wait to see more, there will be many heartwarming feels and much dawwwws :heart:

Twilight turning Diamond Tiara into a slug and Sweetie Belle trying to move Opal with magic?That's something I'd like to see! :rainbowlaugh:
Yay! Sweetie Belle's gonna learn magic! This is so cute! :scootangel:

You might want to fix a few things:

“Thanks again for teaching me,” the white unicorn said to Twilight, not taking this chance of a lifetime for granted.

“Fine,” Sweetie Belle replied as she slumped in her chair, upset that a pony who encouraged others to read was now telling her what she should or shouldn’t study.

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