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Decades after Twilight Sparkle inherited the land of Equestria, she began to face her first real problems, the passing of her friends and family. As her mental state deteriorates she begins to make questionable decisions. When one final tragedy sends her over the edge, Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Flurry Heart are the only ones who can bring her back from the clutches of despair.
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I'm a big fan of the fallen hero trope, but this was very abrupt. Twilight just outright tries to murder Celestia and Luna? No matter how badly her mental state deteriorated, I could hardly see her do that. I think it would have worked better if we saw the conversation between Celestia and Twilight and knew the context of what was going on.
Still, I'm interested to see where this is going. Looking forward for more.
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@littleman001 Thank you so much for giving my story a chance. And I agree, this is nowhere near enough substance to turn Twilight evil.What I will say for now is there is a lot more to come.
What can Celestia do at this point? You can't heal someones hurt. Not that kind of hurt. She can't undo anything. Intrigued to see where this goes.
This chapter fixed the lack of context for Twilight's outburst from the previous one. Nice work!
I know the "immortal character going mad from seeing people around them die" is a popular trope, but I always thought Twilight was better than that.
Are you meaning to tell us that all throughout Celestia's millenia of living, she never lost someone to an accident? Surely, she could have had some encouraging words to Twilight.
My perspective is: Twilight blaming Celestia for making her immortal is her way of dealing with her grief. I wouldn't even be surprised if this attack was a desperate attempt to get Celestia to kill her and put her out of her misery.
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@littleman001 Thanks for the comment! Twilight's motivations are integral to where I'm taking this story so there might even be more developments on that front. I really view pre series Twilight as self sufficient and post season 2 or 3 ish as dependant on her relationships with the others. I think it's more the repetition with Celestia. Kind words after the 9th time may not have the impact one would hope. I really like your theory about Twilight and honestly my first draft toyed with that idea.
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Thank you for commenting! She's in a tough spot no doubt.
"Cure for death?" "Vessel?" I don't like the sound of that. Looks Twilight is playing God now. That never ends well. And just what does she have planned with Spike?
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@littleman001 Thanks for the comment! She's getting into some nefarious stuff.
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Yeah cure for death does not soud like a good idea! And you're right. That never ends well. I hope everypony starts realizing what's going on before she does anything to spike. I feel bad for Twilight. It's understandable to be tired and angry about death. I'm sure she assumed Radiant Dawn would at least grow old and she'd have that time to spend with her. Then for her to die from a random accident? Imagine Twilights shock!
What is the alternate universe tag for?
Flurry as Captain of the Royal Guard? I really like this interpretation! And Dr. Cadance also has a nice ring to it. Tia is fine again, but I imagine Cadance and her daughter are in for the shock of their lives when they find out what happened. A little disappointed that it didn't happen in this chapter. I was really looking forward to it.
Until next time...
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A lot of stuff hinted at and fairly bigger stuff later.
Perhaps I misunderstood. AU is if it does not take place in Canon universe or if they just travel to an alternate universe? If it's the latter I'll have to change it.
I looked for an answer. I think it is AU. More to come on that front.
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Flurry was a fun wildcard to give a role to. And I really liked the idea of doing Cadance. Thanks for reading;
You know, trying to intimidate with the Canterlot royal voice just doesn't have the same effect when you start your threat with the word "auntie".
For a moment, I thought Twilight would try to sway Flurry to her side, but it's obvious by the end that that's not what happened, so I'm not sure how this chapter moved the plot forward.
All 5 alicorn princesses had a chapter now, so I wonder who's gonna be the next chapter's narrator. My guess is Spike, since it feels like Twilight has something in store for him. Something he may not appreciate.
Until next time...
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I was going for more of a sing-songy taunt rather than intimidation, my bad.
That could be a correct presumption I'd say this is more of a character development chapter than plot. With Flurry being what is ostensibly an oc I felt the need to develop her a bit more than the others as far as originality. Also I wanted to make it apparent that Twilight isn't just mindless murder machine...or maybe she is and this was all just an act...
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read. I appreciate it.
Looks like Luna might have a new suitor on her hoof. I hope it works out. A little surprised Cadance and Flurry aren't coming along for the ride. Especially after how you portrayed Flurry as a force of nature.
No signs of life in Canterlot? I don't like the sound of that. Is Twilight now going omnicidal? Has her grief driven her so insane? And now she's out for Luna's blood too.
Next chapter is promising to bring us a truly epic showdown. I'm looking forward to see what you'll bring out of a fight scene. Until then...
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I think my reasoning with Cadance and Flurry not going was Cadance is still a little shell shocked from Flurry leaving initially so she's being overly protective.
Twilight is a puzzle. I hope she's not too crazy.
Whew I'm nervous for that fight. It's the first big one and I gotta make them look good.
Thanks again!
Poor Celestia. Forever destined to be betrayed by those closest to her. I fail to see how is it her fault. She had lost more friends and loved ones than Twilight ever will but she never tried to destroy the world out of grief. Twilight was the one who made that decision.
I'm starting to get a bad feeling that one of the alicorns - at least - are going to die in this story. And if that happens to be Luna... Well, all bets will be off. Maybe that will give the push to Tia to become just as crazy as Twilight.
Anyway, nice chapter. Until next time...
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Yeah, Celestia has gone through a lot. She's strong though. I agree I don't think this situation is her fault at all. It'd take something pretty crazy to kill one of the 5. Thanks for going on!
You were concerned with your abilities to write a fight scene. I have to say that you managed to deliver. Luna made a huge mistake not finishing it when she had the chance.
I am surprised by how twisted Twilight had become. Luna feels so much hate in her. Does she now hate all living things because they remind her of what she's lost?
Anyway, really interested to see what Celestia will do next. The way I see it, she'll feel like she created this monster, now it's her responsibility to end it.
Until next time...
What an unbelievable chapter. I am so conflicted between rooting for Twilights destruction and Luna not giving into her anger and destroying her. Lunas “Coward” to Twilight was one of my favorite parts so far. Even “in death” she refuses to give in.
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Yeah fights are hard for me to translate from mind to text. Thanks for the compliment. Luna almost paid the ultimate price for that mistake, It still might come back to bite her later. Twilight is quite ruthless right now. She hasn't gotten a chapter in a while either. interesting assessment and theory. I really feel like Twilight is the most complex one I'm working on. Celestia has so much on her plate, hopefully she can handle it all. Thanks for the comment again! It really is motivating.
Twilight has completely gone off the deep end. She is completely unreasonable. To demand Celestia that she stopped all of the ponies she cares about from dying. And she also had Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Flurry as her family. Whatever half brained excuses Twilight cooked up for herself is irrelevant now. The only thing she can do to salvage what is left of her is to want death for herself and extinguishing her own life. But given how much she had fallen into madness, I doubt that'll happen.
Good chapter. See you next time!
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Have I taken her too far? Hmmm. Lol yeah Twilight is kinda crazy still. Thanks!
THis is so cool
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Thank you so much!
Vessel? A Vessel for what exactly? Something that will prevent others from dying, or WON'T let them die?
Either that or she becomes a lich. Though I am glad to see her soul isn't completely gone.
Can't sense any love if there isn't anyone around to sense.
I must say I am curious as to what is inside those dark domes, and what did Twilight mean last chapter about "putting them in Spike". Did she make Spike a Soul Vessel or Philosopher's Stone to contain all those souls inside of him? If so... Then it will only be a matter of time till all those souls break free.
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Thank you so much for the comments. I'm glad to see that some of my idoo very well.
Sorry it took so long. After Hospital treatment university started and I also wanted to finally put out my new story. And I also lost the original draft of it so I had to restart it from scratch which was a mighty moral blow. But I finally got around to reading it.
Good to see Flurry again. Taking a trip down memory lane was nice, but then we saw the first cracks on Twilight and it became really disturbing. And at the end when we got that part about Manehattan, I got a feeling of genuine horror. I feel like whatever is coming is gonna be apocalyptic level.
I'm really looking forward to what happens next. Even though, a certain feeling of dread is still there. Keep up the good work!
Welcome back! Hope your eyes are good as new!
Looks like both Luna and Tia had things to get off their chest. Luna is still bitter about the Nightmare Moon incident and Tia has trouble accepting what Twilight had become. But now that they talked things out, I hope that finally nothing will hold them back from taking on her.
Twilight taking the life essense of ponies makes me think this is a sick attempt to preserve everypony and keep them to herself without ever losing everypony again. Would make the most sense though it's probably giving her too much credit to assume she has any sense left in her addled mind.
Keep up the good work!
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Thanks man. I can't wait til they fight together...if they fight together. Twilight is super fun to write I hope it goes good.
Blast! You updated just before I was about to go to sleep! But I decided to read it first.
Alright! They're finally taking the fight to Twilight! Are we nearing the climax or are things only just beginning?
Their plans actually include Spike? I was under the impression he was the beast that Twilight used against Luna. But I've been very curious to see how he'll fit into this.
Keep up the good work!
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Thanks for the comment. Lots to come actually. Also you are correct giant dragon beast is Spike.
I’m liking this chapter so much! The relationship between Shining and Cadance really shows how much being an Alicorn and living forever effects others and how much responsibility Twilight has had to take on as an Alicorn. Not even Cadance wanted that for Flurry.
That's it. I'm breaking out of my silence. This has been amazing and interesting so far, aside from a few faults. This fight scene is one I'll definitely have to take notes from. I have not read many fics with fight scenes, especially good ones, so this was a surprising and welcoming read.
My personal gripes with the writing thus far are the walls of text. I find myself skipping through a few lines, or even a full wall, and have to continuously check myself and go back before continuing.
I, being a user of 12-pixel font on this site (located in settings), tend to stick to three lines per paragraph before skipping a line. Sometimes I'll use four, rarely five lines. Helps with not making the eyes blur the words and lose focus.
Another quick thing, though not as prevalent, is the use of periods at the ends of quoted sentences. Using something like this: "I yield," she hissed through gritted teeth, her gaze downcast, flows much better than this: "I yield." She hissed through gritted teeth, her gaze downcast. Since your mind doesn't try to pause your reading when passing over a comma. It's so simple, yet so effective. Use periods when starting new sentences after quoted sentences, and commas when it fits the example I gave early.
Hope this helps in your writing endeavors! This is one of the (criminally) few stories longer stories that keep me hooked. Likely due to me absolutely adoring the "Twilight Snapped" situation. Or really any situation in which an Alicorn "snaps".
Anyway, I'm eager to read these next chapters and see where this is taken. Keep at it.
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I truly appreciate your comment! The fact that you
are enjoying the story and gave me very good advice mean so much to me. I'll definitely try to utilize the pointers you gave me. I can see how the spacing thing can be troublesome and I've always struggled with punctuation and dialogue. Again thanks so much it really means more than you could imagine.
Are you giving me hope that there is a chance for Twilight to see reason and come around yet? Either way, I really appreciated that insight into how she discussed aging and death with her friends. As well as Discord's unexpected cameo and Twilight's chat with her conscience. I can't wait to see her next confrontation between her and Celestia.
Keep up the good work!
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Thanks for the comment! Twilight is so fun to write I really like her arc in this story. I think she's probably the most complex in the story and that it'll be fun to see where she goes.
Tia, I think that ship has sailed. Twilight is threatening Cadance and her daughter now. She has truly lost it at this point. But Celestia is seeing an opening and realising that she may have a chance against her.
I also appreciated that little insight into their lives before the creation of Equestria. Few writers do that anymore. During the shows early days they were all over the place. Feels really nostalgic.
Keep up the good work!
Ooh! That final line implied that Flurry is gonna be essential in bringing down Twilight. This is getting interesting!
I'm a little confused about that assassin fight scene. Was that a flashback, or happened in the dreamscape? Either way, it was satisfying.
Keep up the good work!
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Thanks for the comment! I really like exploring my idea of their pasts, I might be planning another fic with that in mind.
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I used this line to show that it was Luna reminiscing on the past...
The memories were as vivid as if they were from the night before.
Although I suppose I could have made it a bit more clear. Thank you again!
If this isn't a scary story, then why is the cover art so scary-looking?
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My brother did the art. He has a definite style lol. But I am going to change it soon and hopefully it'll express better the contents of the story.
=)
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Glad you understand Discord
plz dont do it Twilight. Its not what they want
What are you doing Twilight!?
WHAT!!!!? This is too far!!!
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