An era ends in the Crystal Empire, an era begins in the Crystal Empire.
An entry to the "Imposing Sovereigns II" contest. Writing prompt is listed in the author's notes at the end.
With a review!
And another review!
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 5th Dec, 2018
- offline last seen 14 minutes ago
SockPuppet
I like writing about the worst day of a character's life; it lets us see the mettle inside. (Pronouns: Sock/No!)
SockPuppet
Joined 5th Dec, 2018 ·
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Nicely done. As to be expected, a wonderful mix of agony and hope.
I agree, it could work for either prompt. The two are pretty closely tied by their nature. This does feel more like it's about Flurry than Cadence, though.
9916591
Thanks! The two prompts are really different sides of the same coin. I tried to write from a loose Cadance point-of-view, however, to keep the focus on her and her emotions.
Kind of a major bust if you don't bother explaining who happened to do all this. Unless I missed it somewhere during Cadance's monologue about it.
Yeah, no, that thing's going to be dried and preserved as a holy relic whether you like it or not, Flurry. Sorry, that's just the way these things go.
Very well done. My only complaint is that Flurry accepts her new role a touch too quickly. Aside from that, excellent work in capturing the tragedy and bitter triumph of this day. Every princess was used excellently, from Twilight trying and ultimately failing to cope through schedules and technicalities to Luna being thoroughly sick of resting on her rump. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
9916619
There's no evidence one way or the other.
9916655
Many, many thanks!
9916655
Maybe
9916642
Thank you for the honest feedback. I do appreciate your perspective.
Nicely written :)
I'm not even mad
Well, good to know early that I won't be winning the contest. always nice to get that out of the way.
I will never not be impressed with your ability to convey raw, heartfelt emotions in your writing, and your ability to make me feel such pride and sadness for a group of fictional characters. This is a story worthy of someone who wrote Luna's Daughters, and I am, as always, very eager to see what you write next.
9916893
Ohhhh! Fuzzy feelings. Thanks!!
It’s was good fic, so as I vent and rave keep that in mind. Cause it was great.
But the total destruction of the officer core felt... Idk, not lazy just incomplete. You have a cadet, repeat, cadet. And this Cadet takes control of an ENTIRE legion and is able to guide it in even a half assed manner with no prior experience? You can rely on a more decentralized leadership if need be... If it wasn’t for the fact that every officer was dead.
Now I understand that these soldiers could still rebound after a loss of almost the entirety of its leadership. But this would take a figure with cunning, charisma, and even a touch of fame. Or at least familiarity. And most importantly, time. There would inevitably be chaos, and who could blame them? A large portion of the leadership was given a Nagasaki and that inevitably took out a sizable chunk of the bodies that make said army.
Other than that, fifty enemies? Whilst grievously wounded? Sorry to say, but even in a land of magic and rainbows, that cadet better be on PCP if that’s to be believed. And one shmuck no one knows charging an enemy shouting at them to follow isn’t going to prevent a route. Julius Caesar was nearly killed by one of his own soldiers that was routing. This man idiolized by many even failed to regroup his forces as they’ve routed. And some cadet is believed to do so?
Welp. I’ll end this rant that probably came of as douchey. But is was good, flurry a little quick on the up take but other than that and a impossibly heroic mad lad on PCP leading his other lads on tour.
9917109
Fair points all! I was actually trying to deliver something much shorter, more like 2000 words, so I blew over the details semi-on purpose.
That was a heck of a way to get me interested
I'll echo what some others have said about the lack of details. Especially towards the end, there were moments like this:
Where the vibe I was getting was that the scene in the past was more interesting than the one in the present, so it bugged me a bit that we only hear about all the history in this vague, loose way after everything's done and cleared up. And especially with the era this is set in, where all the recurring threats to Equestria seem to have been dealt with, the question of who this war was with and why it was happening was in the back of my head from really early on in the story, and the lack of answers there bothered me a bit.
That being said, quite a lot of the rest landed quite satisfactorily, and I'll happily admit that the exact details of the war probably aren't the most important things at work here. Cadence's speech was so wonderful, and I liked the repetition of the exact numbers a lot too.
This was a nice read. Thanks for writing
9917206
Thanks!
Amazingly powerful. Wonderfully written. Incredibly solemn. Painfully mournful. I doubt this was an easy one to write.
Thank you for sharing it. Your pieces are often emotional wrecking balls, and that isn't a bad thing.
Well done.
9917773
Many thanks!!!! This is the kind if comment that makes a person keep writing.
Well.. I freely admit I teared up at least three times.
Very well done. A story that can make me tear up so, is a great story.
The music helped too.
I guess that looked something like:
media.giphy.com/media/BszNKjp8OkOJi/giphy-downsized-large.gif
Did it get infected?
9916655
There are more than dozen claimed Flurry Heart ear relics across Equestria, but only three of them are genuine
I'm not trying to downplay losing limbs, but for some reason I'm thinking of Princess Kerfuffle.
9922846
There's still time to sign up for the contest!
9917109
I mean, but... she wasn't an unknown. As Princess of the Crystal Empire, she was very well known. She was a Cadet in rank because she'd just joined the military, but she would have been well known as their princess and the daughter of their general ahead of time.
Also, alicorn. Ponies seem to be conditioned to look at alicorns and think "That thing must be an awesome leader, I'll follow it!"
Also, godawfully over-powered because alicorn. Most of her injuries were probably taken at the end when she'd already killed, like, 42 opponents and was getting tired. Keep in mind this character shattered the Crystal Heart when she was a newborn.
If you tell me Joe Schmoe the pegasus pulled this off, I'd agree, unbelievable. But princess of the Crystal Empire and well-known OP alicorn? Yeah. It's believable because it's Flurry.
9926605
Ok, fair enough on the combat argument. But alicorn and instincts or not, the leadership and rally to charge is to far. Even the greatest and most respected, and in some cases damn near worshiped commanders of history can have their soldiers route. Refuse to follow, or even try to kill them as they flee. And that’s after normal combat. In a situation where the officer core is dead, The casualties are pulling up, and their numbers where significantly diminished before they even got to engage. (Significant being the amount needed to break an army. Which is surprisingly small, like 4-10%)Any human army with even a greatly respected leader would break or mutiny.
And yes they are ponies. But if anything that would work against them. Even if they have a human like mentality, they still developed as a prey species and don’t have an evolutionary history of hunting or being in a predator situation. Let’s say magic ditches that, (and horses can be brutal at times) this isn’t a militarized society bent on battle honor.
But once more, look at Julius’s legions and that’s as loyal of men as you can get. Minus a few stabby boys... Royalty or not. Alicorn or not. They don’t have a ‘personal’ connection to their new cadet/commander. The same connection necessary to make your soldiers go through hell and back. And still so, there would be disinters and in this situation it wouldn’t be to hard for a mass route or mutiny to occur from them. All it takes is a few to run...
I could see a group of royal fanatics and extremely patriotic individuals staying, but their number be not sufficient.
Very well done story, definitely worth a read. I do like Flurry Heart depicted like this, it's clear that she's taken something from each parent. Would I have changed something if I wrote it? Of course, I couldn't write something this good. That said, I do think I would've let her heal in time including growing back her ear, but not without throwing a sort of price on it, that of Alicorns taking at least twice as long to heal normal wounds, and complete loss like her ear? Years. I would have also had someone correct her when she says she's ugly, she is beautiful to the ponies of the Crystal Empire right now, a princess (or whatever her role would be before Cadance stepped down) who fought and nearly died for them. Every scar is a reminder that they are led by one who would give up her own life to protect, and yet never lose sight of the best a pony can be.
9933663
Thanks! Much appreciated.
I read through this quickly enough, and honestly that's a pretty good sign in itself, knowing my track record.
Although even so, and even with it from the perspective of one of my favorite characters, I couldn't quite get into this story.
In part I think it's because of the very militarized nature of it, although it is fun to read about it in a world like MLP. But mores the emotions felt overdone (granted, the situation arguably called for it).
The lack of information worked well enough, but it did feel odd, especially when being told Flurry killed 50 enemy combatants, that stuck out. In a same way that having every officer killed was a bit overkill (literally).
I think this a good fic, but just not to my personal taste.
9934149
Quite fair, and I am most appreciative that you took the time to comment!
I admit that I was experimenting outside of my normal (rather wordy) style with this fic. I wanted to paint something more like a flash-photograph than a proper beginning, middle, and end, and I had to leave quite a few loose threads to accomplish that, so your comment is entirely on point!
Again, thanks for taking the time.
9950317
Big thanks!
9916642
I think it doesn't really matter - the story is about the Empire's side of things, not their's.
9916878
Knowing SockPuppet, I suspect this to be quite accurate. Although the alicorn thing will probably help a bit.
Certainly not the transition the Empire wanted - and it would be crass to call it the one they needed. Still, Flurry's rule will be even more rock-solid than her mother's now. I hope she handles it well - especially since she doesn't have an heir herself yet.
9961932
Then I couldn't care less about the Empire's side if I don't have any idea of what lead to this. It's how I am.
Dang, who the heck were they fighting? Minotaurs? Centaurs? Saytrs? Ogres? Orcs? Reptoids? Molemen???
10016175
I chose to leave that to the reader's imagination.
10016288
Molemen... I'm going with Molemen.
Wow that was powerful. Part of me want to see more but the majority of me can’t help but think it ended perfectly.
Well done.
10018032
Thank you!!!
Very well done. Also a tearjerker.
10077494
Thanks again!
Sure, I didn't need to be happy ever again.
10238412
10238412
Actually, if you think this one's sad, try "Luna's Daughters."
Beautiful story, as always! I'm astonished at your talent for writing ponies that always feel so human
Helluva tearjearker, Socky.
I want to see this.
What do you estimate the population of the Crystal Empire to be? And the size of the army? 'Cos frankly ~200 KIA to secure an empire sounds like miraculously low toll.