All Fine and Dandy
Celestia left the charred room with a limp Luna floating in her magic. Luna could see her subjects in the hall, dazed and awe-struck at the destruction and the sight of their princess being paraded about like a head-piked tyrant.
Luna kicked and screamed with every small fiber of energy she had left in her. She swore, using language that would scar the minds of foals. But her defiance was to no avail.
Her demise seemed inevitable when Celestia laid her on the tiles of the bath chamber. A wall within the room held a large breach that revealed the stretches of their city. Their final clash had indeed infected their castle with its destruction.
However, this proved no concern to the sun princess as she hummed and turned the faucets around the large pool she called her bathtub. The pouring water imbued the room in a steamy mist. She collected leaves from the bountiful greenery across the room that she dropped into the rising water. Dear Faust, thou did not jest about the tropics!
“Sister, please,” Luna begged. “We can still talk over this like civilized ponies. Thou does not have to—” Warm water splashed atop her head. She spit and coughed as she became wary of a smooth pot in Celestia’s magic.
“We must get rid of all that filth before we start the main event,” Celestia said. She filled the pot again from the pool and cast it over her body, flooding the clean tiles with mud and scrunched grass.
Then Celestia hoisted Luna with her magic again. “Thou can’t do this to me!” Luna protested. “I know my rights!”
“I’m a princess, Luna.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “What rights do you truly think you have over me?”
“We art a princess as well!” It all mattered little to Celestia. The moment of Luna’s reckoning came when Celestia tossed her into the bath. Luna could feel the warm liquid encroach her body all at once. The wetness was so foreign and strange that Luna flailed about before sinking back into the water.
She felt like she was falling into a deep ocean, unable to feel the bottom to push herself out of this death trap. She escaped her fate, however, when a white hoof grabbed hold of her own and pulled her back to the surface.
“My, you must be so tuckered out,” Celestia commented and wrapped her hooves around her sister’s waist.
Luna coughed out water before she glared at her sister. “Let me go, you demon spawn!”
“I could, but then my poor sister would sink to her death.”
Luna looked down upon the water. Beneath her hind hooves, she could only see an endless bank of water. “Why is the water so deep!?”
“It’s not all deep. Just this portion of the bath.”
Luna continued breathing raggedly as she tried moving her hooves. The water made her body feel so heavy that she couldn’t manage a single stroke. “Sister, we demand thou end this madness now!”
Celestia grinned. “I think it’s for the best that you stop resisting.” Luna observed her surroundings and noted that Celestia placed her in the middle of the bath. With what little energy Luna had left in her, she could no longer imagine swimming, much less flying her way out. Celestia had her.
Celestia whisked a set of brushes and bottled conditioners around them. Luna’s eyes widened at the tools that would no doubt defile her in the coming moments. “Like what you see?” Celestia asked.
“Thou use all of this for thine bath?”
“Of course not,” Celestia chuckled. “But this is a special occasion. Now let’s see.” Celestia floated the conditioners before her and picked out five of the surrounding dozen to remain. “These will do. I think you'll smell lovely as a fruit punch.”
Luna groaned when Celestia lifted her forehoof above her. She gaped at the red conditioner Celestia floated near her and when her sister lined its red gel across her foreleg. Luna lacked the time to cringe at the slimy feeling as Celestia swarmed the brushes over her foreleg and turned it to bubbles in a matter of seconds. Luna yelped at the ravishing motions, but Celestia held her still.
“Don’t you just love the fragrance of cherries,” Celestia whispered in Luna’s ear. “They say it marks the renewal of the mind and soul as if you were born anew.”
To Luna’s dismay, Celestia shifted her attention to her other foreleg. It infuriated Luna how Celestia held power over her as she hummingly washed her down as if she were her pet.
But Luna underestimated her sister’s sadism when Celestia’s magic shimmered around Luna’s hindhoof. She yelped when Celestia lifted her hind leg atop the water like a caught rabbit. Her sister wasted no time sending the brushes and conditioners to pilfer the remaining purity she had left.
“Thou art a cretin,” Luna spat. “Is this how thou treat thine ponies?”
“I would think a lot of ponies would jump at the chance to be bathed by their princess.” Celestia finally released Luna’s aching hind legs into the bathwater. Luna wanted to console her tormented body, but Celestia offered her little time.
Celestia turned Luna’s body towards herself. She lifted her sister's torso over her shoulder as if Luna was a foal needing her back patted. She then dripped yellow goo across Luna’s back that made the moon princess quiver at the cold sliminess. It was more and more unnerving to her by the minute. The brush violated her coat again.
“Nothing says tropics like pineapples, don’t you agree?” Celestia said. “With its welcoming scent, ponies will feel pleased in your presence.”
Luna certainly did not feel pleased by her sister’s brushes. They swarmed through her back with such blinding speed that she feared they would chafe her coat off.
This was a nightmare and it did not help that Luna could see the exit within the distance. With her body fatigued and her magic sapped, she lost all hope of ever reaching it. Celestia had Luna completely at her mercy, and she was going to plunder Luna of everything until she was… clean.
“There we are,” Celestia said after resting Luna’s back upon her chest again. “I must say, I am enjoying this more than I thought I would.”
“Thy definition of joy is sickening,” Luna grumbled.
“You would enjoy this yourself if you just let go.” Celestia smeared a sweet-smelling gel over Luna’s chest. The scent strengthened when the scrubs worked their magic on her, dazing her with their overwhelming fragrance. Though she hated to admit it, she rather relished the aroma.
“Peaches are so sweet,” Celestia commented. “Ponies had once rumored that if they ate enough, they could live as long as the two of us. It's incredible what the pony mind can come up with, don't you think?”
Luna gave her sister a stink eye. “Do not speak to us as if this is normal. What thou hast committed is a crime of the highest order.”
“Oh, Luna,” Celestia chuckled. “You and your exaggerations. You’ll get wrinkles on your face if you stress over every little thing.” Celestia squeezed another conditioner to let out a white gel over her hoof and slathered it on Luna’s face. Luna swerved her face from her, but her rebellion was put to an immediate halt by the grip of Celestia’s other hoof upon her chin. “Ponies of Hayseed Swamp spoke of how coconuts can cleanse the ego of a pony. Hopefully, it will work some of its magic to enlighten you.”
Celestia used her accursed pot again to flood the suds residing on Luna’s face. She repeated it over and over. Luna kept her eyes and mouth shut and hoped for all of this to end. She wished to find herself in her bedroom, to wake from this nightmare.
“Now how about we clean that dirty moon of yours?” Celestia remarked as she lifted Luna again over her shoulder. “My, it appears to have put on some weight over the months.”
“Thou speak lies!” Luna shouted. “Dost thine pettiness know no bounds!?” Celestia shrugged and scrubbed Luna’s flank with burning maliciousness after a drop of red conditioner. Luna could actually feel her flank catching fire with the speed and roughness of her sister’s pacing.
“Strawberry is such a wondrous encapsulation of love,” Celestia commented. “It happens to be a favorite of Cadence. I’m sure you’ll find ponies floating swimmingly into your chamber.”
“Thou must find this so amusing, torturing thine sister just because of a minor difference.” Luna growled. “We see now that thou have not grown wise over the years.”
Celestia’s magic subsided. Her brush and conditioners sunk into the bath as she lowered her sister to face her with a perturbed face. “You don’t mean that,” Celestia said. “Do you?”
Luna gaped at her sister’s sudden shift. Apparently, she finally sparked a nerve in her. “And pray tell how art we supposed to think? You chased us through the castle, cheated in our duel—”
“Luna, you can’t cheat if it’s not official—”
“Cheated in our duel!” Luna snapped. “And art now forcefully washing us against our will. Art we led to believe that our sister has grown enlightened after this travesty?”
“I… well, it’s not…” Celestia frowned. “I’m sorry, Luna. It would seem that I might have overreacted.”
“Thou put it far too lightly.” Luna sneered.
“Perhaps so,” Celestia admitted. She pulled her near the end of the pool where she could feel land under her hooves. She could have climbed out as well if she had any strength left in her. All the heat and shuffling Celestia had done to her made her body even number.
“I apologize for taking things so far,” Celestia said. “It’s just that… well, I’ve noticed that you still have issues adapting to the world. Nearly every little thing comes as a shock to you. It’s not surprising though. Ponies today would view the world a millennium ago as mere fiction.”
“And thou believe forcefully washing me would help me adapt to the world?”
“Yes, I overreacted.” Celestia huffed. “I understand that now. But how am I supposed to feel when I take fault in all of this?”
“What does thou speaketh of?”
“Luna, it’s because of my actions that you missed Equestria growing over the millenium. You could’ve been there for all the discoveries, trends, and events. You certainly wouldn’t be so lost as you are now.”
“Art thou serious?” Celestia perked at a chuckle from her sister. She then felt her sister place a hoof upon her chest as Luna spoke, “Thou cannot take accountability for the choice of others. It was because of our jealousy that led to our entrapment on the moon. We forced that upon thou.”
“Does it not trouble you that you have so much to learn of our world? Centuries of our history that you could’ve been a part of, but must now study from text.”
“There shall be other centuries we shall take part in. We do not see ourselves taking another nap on the moon in the near future.”
Celestia stared at her sister. She then chuckled. “You’ve grown so mature. Maybe I should walk a millennium out of Equestria.”
“And leave us here to parade smiles to our ponies again.” Luna laughed. “We think not.”
The sisters giggled and shared a hug. The sweet and heartwarming moment was breached by debris that fell through a shattered hole in the ceiling. A pony screamed and crashed into the bath. The pony quickly emerged with a gasp for air, revealing himself.
“Blueblood.” The prince shook at Celestia’s voice. “What do you think you’re doing in my bath!?”
“It wasn’t on purpose!” Blueblood said. “The castle is teeming with pitfalls right now. I mean, you have a literal hole in your bathroom right now. Don’t you believe that requires attention?”
“All in good time. For now, please excuse yourself from the premises. You’re interrupting our sisterly bonding.”
“Your priorities leave me dumbfounded.” Blueblood swam out of the bath. He trotted towards the exit, then turned and instead approached the princesses. “But before I go, I believe it is appropriate that I return this.”
Blueblood presented Captain Duckworth with a whisk of magic. He laid it before Luna in the water for her to grab. She held it close to her chest and breathed, “Duckworth.”
“I must apologize for my conduct. It was wrong of me to take him from both of you. I allowed my nostalgia to overcome me. You see, when I was still a young colt, Princess Celestia would often care for me despite her duties as a princess.”
“You babysit during your duties?” Luna asked her sister.
“He was so adorable,” Celestia said. “You know how I easily gush around foals. I couldn’t resist.”
Blueblood coughed into his hoof. “Moving on from my impeccable cuteness,” he said, “Princess Celestia would usually bathe me, and each time she would use Captain Duckworth to calm me. She had told me I was quite the rowdy foal when it came to baths.”
“Feisty as a kitten,” Celestia commented. “He bit me once. It was a delightful sight.”
“Okay,” Blueblood held up a hoof, “I am flattered by how much you took a liking to me, but if you could allow me, I would like to get to my point.”
“Oh yes, please, continue.”
“Thank you. Now, what I was going to say was—”
“Duckworth was an anchor to thou, wasn’t he?” Luna said, surprising to Blueblood. “We liked to have him around whenever we felt lost and scared. There was so much of the world that frightened us back then, and when we didn’t have our parents or our sister around, Duckworth was always there for us.”
“I didn’t know that Duckworth meant that much to you,” Celestia said. “I thought he was a mere toy you were attached to.”
“Duckworth meant a lot to us and still does. However, we believe we should face the world on our own now. We are no longer the confused filly we were in the past. It is time for Duckworth to bring out the bravery of other foals.”
“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Celestia agreed.
“Well then,” Blueblood said. “I will take my leave. The ponies will need direction to fix this mess during their princesses’ absence.” He turned away to depart, but then stopped upon the mound of greenery amongst the room. “Are these cerulean orchids!? Where in Equestria did you find these!?”
“You know of them?” Celestia asked.
“Well, of course I do! I’ve been looking for them for months. They are a rare valuable I have been meaning to add to my estate. But I could not find a single merchant in these lands to order them from. I had begun to think they went extinct.”
“I thought so as well. It baffled me how nopony had stored a garden full of such a prized breed.”
“We can tell the two of thee are enjoying this conversation,” Luna interjected. “But if thou do not mind, we would like to return to our bedchamber now.”
“Of course.” Celestia used her magic to carry Luna back on the tiles. After exiting the bath herself, Celestia enshrouded Luna and herself in towels.
“Turning in for the day?” Blueblood said as he grabbed a towel of his own. “You know, before I go to bed, I like to paint my face with a beauty mask. I just love how it softens my skin.”
“You know.” Celestia tapped her chin. “That’s not a bad idea.”
“Huh? What dost thou insinuate?” Luna quivered at the peering eyes of her sister. “Hold, sister. Thou hath already got what thou wanted. Now is the time to put this behind us.”
“Don’t worry, Luna.” Celestia summoned a wrapper over Luna. The moon princess prayed to Faust to have mercy on her soul, but her plea went unanswered. “You’re definitely going to love this.”
A new morning sun reigned over the lands of Equestria. Celestia never felt so limber and satisfied after a well-deserved nap. Her euphoria was not even shaken by the reconstructions taking place across the castle after the fiasco between her and her sister. It was a chaos that was well worth the cost.
Celestia hummed her way into the dining room. There, she found her younger sister, feasting upon a bowl of porridge with strawberries and bananas. “I see somepony has built up an appetite,” Celestia commented.
Luna’s eyes remained closed. “Good morning, sister. Hast thou slept well?”
“It was more peaceful than usual. It’s honestly surprising that…” Celestia sniffed and then again near her sister. “Do I smell white grapefruit?”
“Yes.” Luna nodded. “We hath taken it upon ourselves to administer one of those conditioners thou speak so fondly of. We hope that is fine with thee.”
“Of course.” Celestia smiled. She could actually feel a tear forming to fall down her cheek. “In fact, you can have it.”
“Thank you, sister. You are too kind. Well then, we think we shall retire this morning.”
“Rest easy. You’ve earned it.”
Celestia excused herself from the dining room and headed to her bathroom to begin a bath of her own. Despite the gaping hole still present in her bathroom, she calmly collected her usual sets of Epsom salts and honey conditioner. She was all set to be bathed in her personal nirvana. “You know what, this is a special occasion. I think I’ll have a bubble bath to celebrate the moment.”
Celestia dived into the bath, yet she couldn’t feel the warm touch of the hot water for which she yearned. Instead, she discovered the water to be moving away from her.
“What black magic is this!?” Her wings ruffled. She tried to pull the water to her with her magic, but it wouldn’t budge an inch. This made no sense. Why would her bathwater act so strangely? “Luna!”
Celestia teleported from the bathroom and appeared in Luna’s bedroom, where Luna was a pull away from being tucked into her bed. “Luna!” Celestia announced. “What did you do!?”
“We?” Luna pointed at herself, confused. “Prithee tell what thou mean.”
“Don’t act coy with me,” Celestia started with an icy voice. “I was hoping to start my day with a relaxing bath. But it’s rather difficult to do so with the water constantly running away from me. I know you have a hoof in this.”
“And thou art right.” Luna shrugged. “What thou art experiencing is the result of a hex we placed upon thee.”
“You placed a curse upon me!? Upon your own sister!?”
“A rather unique one too.” Luna smiled proudly. “That spell we had searched for deep within the library. It bears the effect of repelling all forms of water from touching thine skin.”
“How do you expect me to drink? How do you expect me to clean myself?”
“It doesn’t repel in all areas,” Luna pointed out. “Just in places where thy coat lies. But, if it is a matter of cleaning thyself, we know of a spell thou can borrow. Thou could make fair use of it for the next two days.”
“Two days!” Celestia gaped at her sister. “Luna, I can’t go without a bath for even a minute more. Please, you must undo this.”
“Unfortunately, ‘tis a fate thou hast brought upon thyself. Thou must bear the punishment for thy infamous crimes of lese-majesty. And for the level of thy crimes, thy punishment must be doubled.”
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I have to say, editing this story was a fun and pleasant experience. It's not everyday that I get to work on a story that is almost simultaneously being looked over by so many pre-readers, so that was definitely a breath of fresh air. It's also not exactly common to have the author want to learn a bit, so, while I normally tend to explain why am I suggesting some edits, I could go into full lecture mode here. I admit it was a bit more time-consuming, but in the end, it was really rewarding to see the story blossom into a light-hearted comedy that provides more amusement that one could think, given its rather simplistic premise.
XD A really fun read!
First, I'm loving the fact Luna got in the last word/shot in this mess. One would think Celestia would know better by now.
Second,
This is a "Journey to the West" reference, isn't it?
10521571
Momotaro, actually, though I'm not familiar with the original JttW.
I really liked this funny and at the same time sweet story.
Many smiles and laughs were had. And that ending... Oh mother alive that ENDING!
Comedy is hard
I approve of the payback.
And for crying out loud Celestia, just use one or two scented products. Using them all at once results in a stinky, nondescript mishmash. I stick to coconut shampoo.
well this was interesting XD
I wanna Get Clean!
I wanna Get Clean!
Something something paraphrasing "The Vines".
10522229
She never scrubbed me, she never scrubbed me, she never scrubbed me-
Why should Celestia?
10522135
Ditto
As someone who also hates baths, I can feel Luna's pain.
I honestly don't get baths. Basically, whatever you wash off yourself, wherever you wash it, is still in the water with you. That's disgusting.
Showers only for me.
That ending... Celestia probably expected a predictable nightmare instead! Still, Luna should have made it last a month
That said, am I the only one who actually felt bad for Luna and wanted to punch Celestia when she forced Luna to the bathtub
? That part was pretty... disturbing for a while.
I’d say the better revenge would have been right after the initial wash to remove the odor of the conditioners.
This was super sweet. If baths really make her uncomfortable then she should at least try showers since they are quicker. From her reaction to all the scents Celestia was suggesting Luna doesn't seem to be a big fan of fruit scents unless it's the real thing with the purpose of being consumed. She should take her shopping to look at the smells body washes she'd want rather then Celestia's preferences. That bath also didn't sound to relaxing either with how rough she was about it so whether it's the shower or bath tub she should let her slowly easy into it at her own pace.
Near the end there with her giving prince blueblood her duckie was super sweet and wholesome. She's slowly letting go of the past.
I can guarantee a lot of the palace guards think Luna smells nice, no matter what spells she uses to remove it. The lavender she hangs around the place helps.
10522809
No, you're not, I felt Celestia went a little far on the matter too. I mean, I can see where she was coming from--I have high doubts Luna's spell was really getting her as truly "clean" as Luna seemed to believe, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because there are some things you can't just replace good ol' soap and water with--but at the same time, it wasn't her place to try and force not just bathing in general but her particular style of bathing upon Luna as well.
But at least Celestia recognized her error in the end and they mostly reconciled over it...and that Luna managed to get her revenge regardless in the end.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fudge
Celly, you better run
10523579
Oh snap! I didn't think anyone would notice my Star Wars reference!
Pffffft BAHAHAHAAA
10522135
The sweet, sweet payback
Also agreed on the scent part. Heard once that if you mix enough of different perfumes, the result would smell like a pile of excrement...
10524345
10522135
I sometimes use one or two differently scented products, but only when my hair is really dirty and I haven’t washed it in like two weeks. Otherwise, only coconut shampoo and conditioner.
I think the only thing preventing the mish-mash of scents on Luna is that the conditioners were on different sections of her body and not put on top of one another. (Ex: peach on her chest, but nothing else there after it was rinsed off.) If not, then magic because this is Equestria and these are two alicorn princesses, who knows what little bit of magic is in the self care products??
Also, Luna, don’t think I didn’t notice the sneaky spell-casting when you were eating your porridge.
10523241
No matter how you try, you will have a scent!! MWUAHAHA!!!
10522041
Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.
(I know this only from seeing it somewhere else—)
10524254
Actually, the music connected to that scene that I believe you are looking for is called "Battle of the Heroes"
10524518
Yeah, I know. But Duel Of The Fates honestly feels better in this context. Both are still amazing, and the reference was beautifully written.
10525035
Such a shame we'll never get a 7th movie.
10525035
Agreed, can't argue with that.
10525155
Yes. Of course. It is quite a shame that there will only ever be 6 episodes.
This was a REALLY good ending....but now I'm torn.
Do I leave this wonderful ending as is, or do I beg for more? DECISIONS ARE HARD!! @.@
Still, this was certainly BETTER than I would have expected and I really enjoyed it! <3
really strong end. really happy to see the overstepping of boundaries talked about. and while the aim was good and the ends was good the means prompted a punishment. honestly i could argue harsher punishment could be justified, but the punishment was satisfying to the highest degree.
(and for some reason my speech tends towards the archaic after reading similar)
10525785
Believe it or not, I actually do have a sequel in mind. This story had been so fun to make that I might just make a short-story collection of royal sisters shenanigans.
10522030
I think Ablutophobia is the word you're looking for.
10522041
So true. This story was my first attempt at comedy writing and I was anxious I would get torn to shred by the comments. I've gone so far as to read lecture pages by Space Jazz on SNFW on how to do comedy writing just to get this right.
Lecture 1
Lecture 2
10548552
Yessssssss! <3
Nice read. Really enjoyed it.
Great story. I felt sorry for Luna when she was forced to be bathed by her sister. But it's nice to see that she got her revenge in the end. That cleaning spell sounds pretty interesting if you ask me.