Get With The Times And Get That Hiney Clean
Celestia let herself go with a deep breath. The lustrous pool of water brought on a euphoria that she desperately needed after the travesty she endured last night.
She had the ambassadors from Griffonstone and the Dragon Lands to blame for the stress that had haunted her sleep. To think it took all of her cunning to stifle tensions over a mere philosophy of stonemasonry. Who cares about the efficiency between rock picking versus rock shearing? They didn’t have to get into a heated argument over some silly rocks. Thank goodness it was all behind her now.
The fragrance of mango-scented oil imbued the steamy air as she soaked her face with another potful of herbal water. Her body brimmed so light and warm that she could fall asleep any moment now. However, all great things must eventually end.
After leaving her royal bath chamber, robed in pink towels, she strolled into the dining room for breakfast. She took her place at the table where a voice welcomed her, “Dost thou choose to dine in that attire?”
“Oh, Luna, what’s the harm,” Celestia replied. She rested her head atop her hooves above the table. “The key to relaxation is to free oneself from conventional standards.”
“Many meanings can be perceived from thy words,” Luna stated. She sat at the opposite end from Celesita with a bowl of sliced fruits before her.
Celestia couldn’t help raising a brow. “Another bowl of fruit? You know I could always make pancakes for you.”
“If we wanted that, we would ask thee.” Luna whisked a small stack of the sliced fruit into her mouth. The crunching resembled that of a gorging mutt. Unrefined with the times as always, Celestia noted.
“Fine.” Celestia pouted. “Then why not learn something new to cook for yourself? There are all sorts of recipe books in the library to choose from.”
“If we desired a prepped meal, we would leave the task to our chefs,” Luna remarked again before tossing yet another stack of sliced fruits into her mouth. “Is that not why thou hast hired them?”
“Hmm, a fair point,” Celestia admitted. “Then I would urge you to make use of them if you desire another meal than my pancakes. I’m sure our cooks would like to be worth the bits they are paid.”
“Ugh,” Luna groaned. “Must thou question everything we do? Thou dost realize we art an adult?”
“I only ask out of love.” Luna rolled her eyes at Celestia’s caring words. “Perhaps I should ask our chefs to prepare breakfast for us henceforth. I know a small mare that has been dying to share a recipe of hers with us.”
Luna perked at her sister’s offer. “We were not aware of this. It would be rude to ignore a kind offer from our ponies.”
Celestia smiled. “Then I shall make the arrangement. She will certainly be delighted, just as I am right now. Ooh, speaking of which, shall I share the story of my bath?”
Luna scowled at her sister. “Art we free to say no, or will thou proceed without our—”
“There is nothing quite like a hot bath to whisk all the weight off of you,” Celestia began. Luna did not even bother to let out an exasperated sigh. “As an admirer of tropical lands, I like to imagine myself bathing in the freshwaters of a forest. It is why I furnish the chamber with arrays of orchids and foliage. Oh, it sets my body aflutter like a flock of breezies.”
“Breezies would die under that kind of heat,” Luna pointed out, but of course she knew her sister ignored her comment.
“Tell me, Luna, can you guess the scent on me?” Luna shrugged and sniffed towards her sister’s direction.
“We smell a faint sweet fragrance,” Luna said. “We believe it’s familiar, somehow.”
“It’s honey, Luna.”
“Thou slathered honey onto thyself?”
“No, Luna.” Celestia rolled her eyes with a chuckle. “It’s from a popular line of bath products. The scent is lovely, isn’t it? It’s like I’ve become a sweet nectar flower blooming on a meadow.”
“Thou dost view thyself as sweet nectar?” Luna raised a brow. “We did not know thou like to attract bees into thine pistil?”
Celestia twitched her eyes. “Oh, Luna.” She chuckled. “I see that your quips have not left you over the years. Although don’t you think it’s a bit crude to describe your elder sister that way?”
“’Twas merely a guess.” Luna smiled at her offended sister before taking another bite of her fruit slices. This stack happened to send her aflutter as well. “Heaven knows thou has claimed the hearts of many back in the millennium.”
“Oh please,” Celestia hissed. “Don’t tell me you haven’t done the same.”
“Nay.” Luna shook her head. “We have not. However, we cannot blame our ponies for falling for thine open warm invitations into thine chamber.”
“Do not start accusing me as a succubus!” Celestia exclaimed. Luna did not think her meal would be this delectable before going to bed. “That was a long time ago.” Celestia placed a hoof on her chest. “You will find that I am now a princess that embodies self-control.”
“With a body as flaring as the sun. We art doubtful,” Luna mumbled.
“If you’re done with your interruption, I would like to return to the topic of my relaxing bath.” Luna lazily waved her hoof. “Good, now where was I… Oh yes, the setting. In the most stressful of days, I like to add scented Epsom salt into my bath. I just adore the ones with mixtures of pineapples and coconuts.”
“All for thine illusion of a tropical feel, we can presume.” Luna sighed.
“You know, there are also times I like to treat myself to a bubble bath as well. It’s not something I often take solace in, but when I do, I am reminded of our youth when we used to bathe together.”
Luna’s eyes twitched. “Sister, let us not discuss this. That is a rather troubling memory we would rather not tread.”
“I can still remember it like it was yesterday,” Celestia continued to Luna’s dismay. “Our mother used to rub us clean since all the two of us would ever do was play in the water. We were such unruly fillies back then.”
Luna rubbed her temple. “Must we revisit this?”
“No matter what she did...” Celestia went on. Luna swore her elder sister just loved to hear her own voice. “She could never get us to cooperate. We would always play pranks against each other and fought over the most trivial of things. And of course, that would inevitably follow us into our baths.”
“Yes, good times.” Luna narrowed her eyes at her. “Now shall we move on from—”
“I remember you being quite attached to a rubber duckie. Getting you to take a dip without it was like opening Pandora’s box. All the erratic magic discharge you would exert in protest was so unnerving. What was it you used to call it, Captain Duckworth?”
“Dear sister!” Luna stomped on the table. “We think thou hath frolicked in thy nostalgia long enough.”
“Goodness, Luna.” Celestia sighed. “Why is it so hard for you to enjoy an innocent memory of our past? There are so many misadventures we had as fillies I can recount.”
“We would much prefer to finish our meal in peace rather than prance over silly memories like old mares.”
“Oh no.” Celestia let out an exaggerated gasp. “Don’t tell me you’re having a mid-life crisis?”
“Must thou continue to test our patience!” Luna exclaimed. “We art telling thee that we wish to eat in peace!”
“Well, then.” Celestia switched her tone to a calmer one. “If peace is what you’re looking for, then I don’t mind sharing my conditioners with you. Mine happens to make one’s mind go numb. Which would you prefer: white grapefruit or coconut milk?”
“We shall require neither,” Luna declined.
“Come now, I’m being generous. My collection is of the highest quality you will ever find in Equestria. If not for my status, I would have to battle for them with mares from all across the land.”
“We do not require thy conditioners because we do not bathe,” Luna stated.
Celestia dropped her jaw at her sister’s statement. “… What?” Her calm and collected tone deteriorated into a hoarse and baffled voice.
“We do not take baths,” Luna repeated. “We find the chore to be taxing to our time. It is better that we just skip it.”
“S-surely you jest,” Celestia stammered with a wry smile. “A bath is of the utmost importance to any pony’s day. How else can you attend to your hygiene?”
“With a spell we crafted,” Luna answered.
“… A spell?”
“Yes.” Luna rolled her eyes, annoyed. “A convenient method we constructed during our entrapment on our moon. The place there was drier than the arid Badlands. A pressing issue that prompted us to construct a spell to serve as an alternative.”
“And what is it that this spell does?”
“It removes all detestable stench and stains from our body. A practical cleanse of thy body if thou wilt.”
“That’s it? It just gets rid of it?”
“Yes.” Luna sighed. “It leaves us clean and odorless. How many times must we repeat ourselves?”
“Is that why I can never pick up a scent off of you?” Celestia wondered. “I figured there was something odd going on, but never did I think it would be this dreadful. Luna, you must take a bath.”
“We shall not,” Luna declined. “We hath found this method to save a fair fragment of our time. Why must we throw away a spell we hath spent a long time creating for ourselves?”
“Yes, I can see you have a sentimental hold on this spell of yours. However, allow me to refresh you with reality. We live in a society. Do you not realize how odd ponies will find it if they learn that their princess doesn't take baths?”
Luna raised a brow at her sister. “Dost thou not believe thou art exaggerating?”
“Luna, you must take my word on this. Take a bath.”
“Will thou stop with this already!?” Luna cried. “We do not take kindly to thine imposition.”
“It’s not as trivial as you think it is,” Celestia argued. “Here, what if I join you? I can show you all the wonders that you’re missing out on.”
“We decline,” Luna dismissed and stepped away from the table.
Celestia came rushing to her side. “Come now, sister. Surely you can’t pass on the opportunity to relive fond memories together. I know you enjoyed them.”
“They are our past for a reason, sister. We hath outgrown them. Learn to move on.”
Luna was near exiting through the door before she felt her sister’s magic enshroud and halt her body. “For the good of Equestria,” Celestia spoke, “this is one that must be revived again.”
Luna turned to her sister with a sharp glare. “Unhoof me this instant!”
“Know that I do this because I love you. You will take a bath, even if I must dirty my hooves to do so.”
A blue light erupted from Luna’s horn and destroyed Celestia’s magic around her. “Tread thy course carefully, sister,” Luna warned. “Thou may not like where it leads.”
“Only the uncouth deal in absolutes. I will do what I must.”
“You will try.” Luna began with a beam that Celestia blocked with a barrier she erected. In the small time it took for Celestia to drop her barrier, Luna immediately slammed the door open and fled into the halls.
“Don’t run from me!” Celestia shifted her wings out of her towel to unfurl. With her eyes keen upon her sister, Celestia dashed through the air in pursuit of her.
Luna galloped through the halls, swerving past befuddled royal guards. This was honestly the last thing she could see herself doing before going to bed.
After turning around another corner, Luna looked back. Her sister soared beneath the ceiling, steadily closing the distance between them. It baffled Luna how her sister moved so fast. This was the same mare that gorged upon pastries on a daily basis.
Another surprise welcomed her when Celestia’s horn shimmered a deep blue. Luna darted her gaze from her sister, doubling her speed.
Tides of water cascaded beneath Celestia. The wave raged behind Luna and flushed through the halls. Luna sped pass poor guards that became collateral damage to her escape.
“Hath thou gone mad!” Luna shouted.
“What is mad about giving my dear little sister a wash?”
“Why can’t thou respect our ways!?”
“You just have to trust me on this. You must conform back to the conventions of our land.”
Luna unfurled her wings to speed through the halls from the encroaching water. “Then perhaps thou should make an effort to cease thy frivolous pastries,” Luna remarked. “Thou would certainly bear a scandal if a princess grew the rump of an ursa minor.”
“This is not about me!” Celestia raised her voice. “Now, will you come willingly, or must I leave these waters to sway you?”
There was no way Luna could reason with her. She cursed the ill timing of this duel, but she had to hold strong.
Luna noted the next corner of the halls ahead of her. If she could motion her body just right, then perhaps... “Thou art a fool to think we would yield so easily.” When she drew near, Luna placed her hooves upon the wall and launched herself upward with the strongest kick she could muster. Her body soared above the raging tide. Catching Celestia by surprise, Luna tackled her and teleported the two just as they plummeted into the cascading water.
Luna’s spell took them to the castle garden, where they splashed into a patch of mud. The mud rained upon the two, drenching their body with its sludge.
Celestia was quick to raise her muddied face from the patch and spat out a gunk that found its way into her mouth. “Look at what you’ve done!”
“Us!?” Luna rose from the mud. “Thou dares to blame us after cornering us? Thou should try to respect our privacy instead of—”
Celestia interrupted her sister’s defense with a ball of mud she threw at her face. “Here’s what I think about your privacy!”
“Thou dare!?” Luna grabbed a ball of mud herself and hurled it towards her sister. With her alabaster coat and pink towel fully stained and ruined, Celestia tackled her into the mud with newfound anger.
From a safe distance, two guards who were stationed in the garden observed their princesses dirtying themselves with each slap of mud. “Um,” one guard started, “you think we should do something?”
“Maybe,” said the other. “But how often do you get to see something so beautiful as this?”
“True,” the guard agreed. “I sure wish I had a camera to record this.”
“Enough!” Luna shouted and charged her magic to blast a large beam at her sister.
Celestia erected another barrier that absorbed the impact. The rage in Luna’s magic bewildered Celestia as it expanded over her. Her barrier scraped the ground as it became overwhelmed by Luna’s fury until it and Celestia were punted through the walls of the castle.
Her barrier disintegrated once she breached into a room. Her body twirled and slid along with debris that littered the room. She dropped her barrier and tossed her dirtied towels off her. Those were her favorite silk towels that were now soaked in gunk. “Oh, she is going to get the wash of a millennium once I get my hooves on her,” Celestia growled.
As she prepared herself for her incoming sister, a door slammed open. “What in Equestria is going on here!?” Emerging from the door came her nephew, Prince Blueblood, wrapped in royal blue towels. Celestia couldn’t help but notice a certain rubber duckie held in his magic.
She gaped at the toy. “Blueblood! What are you doing with Captain Duckworth!?”
“P-Princess Celestia!” Blueblood stammered and hid himself and Captain Duckworth behind the door. “What are you—”
“You went into my room, didn’t you!?” Celestia stomped to the door and pried it open. Blueblood fell on his back, holding a pleading hoof before the fuming princess.
“No, wait!” Blueblood squeaked. “I can explain!”
A loud bang resounded behind Celestia as Luna descended into the room with more crumbling bricks rolling to the floor. “Do not think thou wilt escape unscathed for thy transgression!”
Luna’s presence froze both Celestia and Blueblood. Her glowering eyes prompted Celestia to unfurl her wings to hide the bewildered stallion, but it was too late.
“Is that…” Luna started. “What is that brat doing with our Captain Duckworth!?”
“Now, Luna,” Celestia sheepishly started, “you have to understand that there are many rubber duckies across the lands. Who’s to say that this one is truly yours?”
“We doubt any would bear our cutie mark!” Luna sneered. “We placed that there ourselves.”
“This is Luna’s?” Blueblood voiced. “But I found it in Celestia’s restroom.”
“So, you admit your crime!” Celestia pointed at Blueblood. “Why in blazes were you snooping around in my room!?”
“Thou hast stolen my Captain Duckworth!” Celestia shook at her sister’s claim. “And thou had the gall to bring him up as if he had long since left us!”
Celestria faltered when Luna stomped towards her. She tried to distance herself from her angry sister, but instead found herself cornered against a wall.
“Now, wait a moment,” Celestia said. “I didn’t necessarily take him from you. It was … a memento for me while you were on the moon. I needed something to lean on after centuries of your absence.”
“And thou did not think it was best to give Duckworth back after we hath returned!?” Luna shook the room with a powerful stomp.
“Okay… fair point. But it’s been a whole millennium. How could I not get attached to him?”
“And thou dost spout nonsense of us needing to act our age!” Luna’s horn shimmered once again. Celestia instinctively erected another barrier and repelled her sister’s beam. It bounced off her shield and ricoheted across the room until it flew through the gaping hole in the wall.
“We can discuss Duckworth another time. For now, it is important that you join me for a bath.”
“Do not speak as if thou hath the upper hoof.” Luna huffed. “We hath enough magic to spare to discipline that horrid righteousness of thine.”
“But Luna, all I want is for you is to—”
“Enough!” Luna snapped. “We will not stand here and allow thee to do as thy please.” A thick spark surged upon Luna’s horn, discharging across the room. The furniture within the room lit aflame.
“Are you mad!?” Celestia gaped at her.
“If it means getting thine fat rump off our back, then so be it!” Luna unleashed a massive beam that enveloped Celestia’s vision. Celestia responded with a hasty beam of her own. Together they ignited the room in piercing light. Blueblood locked himself in the bathroom to protect himself from the overwhelming light and seething heat that pervaded the room.
“It’s not too late to stop this now!” Celestia said. “All will be forgiven if you just listen to me!”
“Thou shall reap what thou hast sown, sister!” Luna’s voice reverted to the old royal voice, quaking the world around them.
Their beams burst into a massive explosion. The powerful impact blew out the windows and flashed with a blinding light.
A haze of smoke welcomed Celestia when she finally opened her eyes. As it settled, she could see the room now riddled in burns that singed its furniture to charcoal. A few holes now pierced the room and extended far into other chambers of the castle.
Luna panted raggedy with her body splayed on the ground. She quivered, bruised, muddied, and fatigued just as Celestia.
“I hope you’re proud of yourself,” Celestia breathed in between ragged breaths.
“Thou bear… fault… in this destruction as well,” Luna argued. “Now… will thou cease thine… foolish act?”
“We’ve already reached the point of no return. Like it or not, you’re getting a bath.”
“Then thou hath chosen defeat.” Luna harnessed another light onto her horn. Though it was dim, she shot a small beam at her sister. Celestia summoned a partial barrier to defend herself. She panted after it cracked and crumbled to nothingness. “Thou still hast energy for shields?”
“And I’ll have even more after drinking this.” Celestia lit her horn and summoned a purple vial into her grasp. The liquid inside fizzled like carbonated water.
Luna gaped at the mysterious potion. “What is that?”
“Oh, this?” Celestia grinned. “Just something I often order from a certain zebra. It does wonders for me whenever I need a little boost to get through the day.” Luna watched in horror as Celestia gulped down the potion. The sun princess gritted her teeth as the veins in her body shortly bulged before relaxing. “Ah,” Celestia breathed, “I feel so rejuvenated.”
“That’s not fair!” Luna spat. She lamely tried to pick herself, but fell on her stomach. “That’s cheating!”
“There’s no such thing as cheating in battle, sister.” Celestia smirked. “I figured you would have learned that by now.”
Celestia took a step towards her, sparking Luna to crawl away to escape her fate. However, Celestia easily closed the distance with a pull of her magic that Luna no longer had the energy to break free from.
“Don’t bother fighting it,” Celestia said. “We both know that you must be exhausted after your nightly duties. It also didn’t help that you threw such a tantrum with your magic.”
“Thou planned this outrage from the begging, didn’t thou!?”
“More a matter of taking an opportunity when I saw it,” Celestia admitted. “But we’re far from the end. There’s so much to do.”
“Thou wouldn’t dare!”
Celestia’s grin grew wider. “On the contrary, I’m looking forward to this.”