In the distant future of Equestria, magic and technology have been fused together, and corporations pull the strings from the shadows. The world is a harsh wasteland, and ponies live in sprawling urban areas known as megacities.
For Neon Dream, life couldn't be simpler--or more boring. Despite being the 'best delivery pony in the city', she longs for something more.
She gets her wish, albeit not exactly as she hoped, when a relic from the past appears to be the latest package she was supposed to deliver, very much alive and begging for help. Now, the young mare finds herself pursued by relentless bounty hunters, gangsters and security forces hired by the corporations that run the world in a deadly game of cat and mouse.
All while this stranger keeps claiming to be Twilight Sparkle. But that's impossible, Princess Twilight died hundreds of years ago... right?
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Promising Start.
10354420
Thanks
This story looks promising.
I don't see very many fanfics that talk about "Equestria" combining their magic with technology at all sometimes. Its always "Equestria" gives up its magic in favor of technology, which doesn't make sense to me because your basically giving up something very unique that any races government would kill for, in favor for something that is limited.
10354477
Thanks! Ikr it doesn't make much sense to me either, so I'm going for kind of a Shadowrun setting, where magic meets tech etc
Looks promising. Interested where this is going.
I like this. The setting then doesn't feel like characters live in a void.
10354633
Haha good that was the intention
Thanks
It's rare for these "alternate future" type stories to actually pique my interest -- at least where FiM is concerned, but this one definitely has. Tracking now.
10355205
Waay thanks
So far it's good hoping for more chapters
👍
Are you a fisherman???
10356128
I am not, but I'm guessing this is a hook line and sinker?
10355996
Thanks! The second one is coming on nicely, I don't wanna give a day on when it'll be ready but soon!
10356135
Damn it you beat me to the punchline. Great work my dude can't wait for more
10356287
Haha sorry. Thanks man I'm enjoying writing this one, got some good ideas
I do like pony stories taking place in the future. Let's see where this goes.
I am confused, has Twilight been asleep this entire time or a spell went bad?
10357790
Wait and see! Let's assume she's been asleep for a long time, and that someone(people) didn't want her waking up
Nice chapter. Now I'm definitely interested where this is going.
This is all from Neon Dream POV?
Dirty Harry reference?
10357806
You could take it that way, or from Dash Wood's pov. And ye , Cannon himself is like a reference to Dirty Harry altogether lol
10357790
1.time travel
2.alt.universe
3.clone
4.memory lost
10359293
Ooh I like these I might have to use one
Better to give hints through out the chapters. Maybe even save it for the big reveal for a later time
I'm still very interested, this is all looking very good, and I'm glad to see that this is *our* Twilight, regardless of the mysterious circumstances of her arrival. I will read on with great curiosity. You have built a very good world here, and Neon feels like a fleshed out character whose adventures and choices I look forward to experiencing.
That said, I have some critique, and I hope you don't mind. The second half of this chapter seemed to have been hit with some minor PoV trouble that, while not deal-breaking by any means, did jar me out of the narrative slightly a time or two. Up till now, the story has been a rather clear-cut case of Limited Third Person (as in, the narrator isn't omnipotent and largely follows the thread of one character through a scene), with Neon being the focal character for the most part (There are exceptions, like Sal, but it's still Neon for the most part). So, within the context of this particular chapter, Twilight is an unknown entity that Neon is just trying to get a read on, so those brief flashes of narrator insight into Twilight's thoughts, like when she recognized the pony on the sign as resembling Flim Flam, feel a touch out of place, and like I said, jarring. I expect and am looking forward to some Twilight-cenered PoV later -- and that Flim Flam recognition is a great example of how alien the place seems to her and would be a great detail in said Twilight-centered PoV -- and as the two characters get to know each other better and establish themselves within each others' narrative, then some back-and-forth in the narration will seem more natural, but at this point in time, based on how the story's been written, Twilight's where-and-when-am-I freak out would have been better served told entirely through Neon's thoughts and reactions to it as an outsider.
Now, despite the novel that was just now, it's still actually a fairly minor thing that did little to actually deter my enjoyment of the chapter -- I am absolutely going to go on and read Chapter 3 right now to see where we are going -- but it's just that little bit of polish that, in my opinion at least, would take a really good bit of prose and make it greater.
10360781
Not at all! Any criticisms (as long as they're constructive) are always welcomed and I appreciate it.
Funnily enough I was actually planning a Twilight centred chapter soon, I might go back and touch up that mention of Flim and Flam when I get to it, thinking about it, that's a good shout. Although I think I've done something similar in chapter 3, just going back and reading it through haha
Thanks for enjoying the story so far, and thanks for the critique I'll definitely try and avoid it as much as possible in future. Thank whoever's in charge for post production edits
I like what I'm seeing so far.
10364685
Thanks!
10356778
Same! Glad you're enjoying it so far
Oh, man. I'm loving this story to pieces
10365736
Top, I'm glad you're enjoying it
Thee plot dos thicken
This is seriously getting good....
https://gyazo.com/90244dc04cdf7e52ac11a8675c64d4c3
Featured 13/08/2020
Waaay thanks gals and ghouls
we deed eet
This is getting really good, its way to underrated have an up vote.
10384192
thanks!
The comments here are praising this story up and down, so i'm definately going to check it out when I've got the time!
10394377
Haha take your time there's no rush
A very interesting story. Given what I've read so far I have my thoughts on what happened to Twilight. I like it and I think your writing is well done. The back and forth between the past and the present is a little jarring, but I understand why it's written that way. Overall I'd say well done.
10395881
Oooh I'd love to hear what your thoughts are I always like hearing theories and such.
Making it seem jarring is my biggest fear when it comes to flashbacks and the like, but I'm glad you're still enjoying it
....feel like this my be a Cheeseleg trick...or could be legit
10411655
who can say?
Cheeseleg...? Oh
10412226
Look at this point trust is hard.
uh ohhh
Does the real Grogar appear in this story?
Oh, Spike. you deluded fool....
This chapter perfectly symbolizes fighting with yourself, and your inner demons. Great job!
10437839
i.pinimg.com/originals/f5/4e/b8/f54eb8a70d58c1c8dbce0a8f739292cb.jpg
I don't think so, I don't have any plans to include him, sorry.
10438036
Haha thanks, this is the real bread and butter of what I was going for
My brain upon reading this title: Neon Dreams --> Neon City --> Owl City --> time to relive growing up.
What black magic have you cursed upon me?
10472976
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Is that < supposed to be there?
10473688
Whoops no it aint lol thanks for spottin it
> titbits of information
I only know of tidbits, not titbits
10491674
Its tidbits?? Ive been saying titbits for yeeeears!